You indeed are 100% correct, I am firm believer that this type of thing isn't something that just happens. One would be a fool especially to believe so. I for a fact that every single time I was unfaithful to a signficant other, it was no doubt cause I wanted to and had full intention too. Fact of the matter is if you put yourself in that position its what you want.

These things happen because of chronic depression-fact! sincerely David Petropoulos

David- Can you suggest where I may find the factual information linking chronic depression to infidelity? I would really like to read more about this.
My ex-husband claimed to have been diagnosed with a form of depression before we met, therefore instead of getting help he used this as a crutch throughout our marriage, often to convince me to stay with him despite his abusive ways. In the end the straw that broke the camel's back was the behaviors he chose that led him to be unfaithful. As soon as I found out I left.
So this also leads to the question, isn't this then just another excuse?
If you are chronically depressed shouldn't you seek treatment of some sort not just use the condition as an excuse for behaviors?

I feel it is trite to suggest that people cheat because they have arguments over bills or in-laws. Although these things certainly happen and can cause discomfort, I have never known anyone to cheat based on such trivial "bumps in the road" and the person being denied sex for a year and still faithful seems to reflect someone beaten down and lacking self-worth.

I am all for trying to work out deep problems within the marriage rather than stepping outside the marriage, but I feel that often people who cheat are seeking a desperately needed sense of value and love and are swayed by the notion that it can be disguised as sex. After all, some happily married couples allow each other to have sex with other partners and don't see this as infidelity. It is a form of denial that becomes essential.

I think we need to thus broaden our view of what infidelity really is and what it represents. The person who knowingly goes to the hotel and physically cheats may be responding to thier partner's emotional infidelity and an innate need for a human connection. Both partners are in the wrong. Just as the "cheater" knowingly sets up meetings that could lead to infidelity, the other partner knowingly sets up scenarios that de-value thier spouse.

I have been in both boats. I cheated on my ex-husband. It wasn't accidental and it took careful planning. Still, it tormented me and wasn't something I ever took lightly. The judgement that surrounded me only served as further isolation and as I began to view myself as a bad person, I needed reassurance of my lovability even more ( via cheating).

I am now in a very happy relationship and have zero desire to cheat. The very thought of it disgusts me. I can now see how people blessed with these types of relationships from the get go can hand out scarlet letters without even attempting compassion for the unfaithful.

I take responsibility for my actions and in the future if I feel emotional isolation in my relationship I will deal with it head on. Part of me honestly believes, however, that my few incidents of infidelity gave me the clarity I needed to move forward and to build a new relationship that is actually based on trust and unwavering faith. Relationships are work and don't just happen but there are certainly some that threaten to toss you down a dark road of infidelity despit valient efforts to build a stable foundation.

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As for affairs; no, they don't 'just happen', but a lot of people simply refuse to take responsibility for the choices they make. Even refuse they have any responsibility to take.

I'm constantly amazed that during a time when marriages are falling apart all around us, people don't seem more aware of measures they should take to protect their marriages. I have heard so much discussion of "innocent lunches" with coworkers or other friends of the opposite sex. That's not to say that a person can't truly think of it as being innocent, it's just that it seems so obvious that it is where trouble often starts. People seem to think, "I would never do something with this person, so I'll be ok." --As if the next week when another co-worker asks them out, they would stop and think, "Now, wait--I could have a problem with this person, so I better say no." Of course that's not how it works; the way to protect a marriage is to set boundaries for yourself and not justify crossing them for seemingly innocent situations.

As for the comment about arguing about bills and in-laws, I don't think the author was suggesting that this is why people cheat; I believe she was illustrating the draw of having a "friend" to talk to that is not your spouse--someone who is always fun and supportive (because you don't have to deal with day-to-day life with them). Again, when we seek to have our emotional needs fulfilled outside of our marriages, we are stepping onto a slippery slope.

. . . because they want to. That's all. When someone wants to cheat, it's no effort for them to find any justification in the world. Recent studies have even shown that increasingly people who cheat on their spouses are NOT unhappily married. They are simply taking advantage of an opportunity that presented itself. So what do you do with that? That's a personal choice.

On the flip side, when someone doesn't want to cheat anymore, they simply make different decisions and stop cheating. No relationship fulfills us all the time - not even a marriage. It was never supposed to and people with that wholly unreasonable expectation are a foundational reason for the ever-escalating divorce rate.

People who do stay married don't do it for the children, for sex, for satisfaction, or for love. They do it because they're more committed to their commitment than they are to their own feelings. Without that commitment, we're dust.

Yes, I agree with Michele. I would like to add that about three-quarters of what is going on in our brains is "what we don't know we don't know." If we are only conscious part of the time, only using maybe 10-25% of our brain, then we get thoughtless actions like cheating. We shift to our default - our "animal brain" (amygdala) with its primal instincts, that takes over. The shift is so effortless, so seamless, it's not surprising people say "it just happened." Mix in some childhood issues - craving love and attention, diminished or negative self-esteem and it's a disastrous menage-a-trois of impulse, emotion and conscious thought to make infidelity happen. I think for the unfaithful, the bare minimum is for them to become aware of this complex process. They have a choice to put themselves in check... or not.

Without a doubt cheating has serious consequences...but how about when spouses are upfront with their expectations and intentions to have other sexual partners in their lives? Open Marriages? How about if one partner has lost all interest in sex but is generous enough to allow their partner to have a sexual relationship with someone else on the side?. Can couples still commit to each other(and share in all of their personal constraints: kids, finances, chores, family & friends) and fulfill their individual (sexual)appetites elsewhere? Can't sex sometimes be just about sex? Is there any reliable data out there (European research?) that would support this?

Just wondering..........

I'm a little worried by what The Wife is suggesting: marriages are fragile so no friendships with people of the opposite sex, period. What are bisexuals going to do? Not have friendships? Serious question.

As Deirdre says: no relationship fulfills us all the time. But the answer is not to just suffer through it, but to have more than one relationship. Not necessarily sexual relationships, but meaningful friendships.

I think it is unwise to expect a single person in your life to be your lover, co-parent, housemate and one-and-only friend all the time your entire life. Marriage shouldn't be isolating, people are herd animals, we need more than one intimate relationship. Find other people who can help meet some of your social needs, just don't sleep with them if you're in a sexually monogamous marriage.

Lidia: I'd say sex is rarely just about sex; usually it's at least also about power. Otherwise: yes, happy, functional open marriages exist. So do messed up disfuctional ones, but the same could be said about closed marriages.

Statements like "I never meant for it to happen" and the other famous one "I never meant to hurt you" are undoubtedly well meaning. Maybe the speaker really is that unconscious and does believe that he/she didn't intentionally go out to have an affair. Having been the recipient of these two statements, I said nothing in response. I don't believe that these statements constitute a real apology; instead they are self justifying. .

An affair usually happens when a spouse is being taken for granted. When your spouse does not have an interest in making love to you.Or even the simple task of asking you how your day was, you will go searching for that someone who can relate to you and is willing to give you the time of day, per se. Affairs are not all about sex, I know you will say an affair is an affair even if its only on the emotional level affair. But when you connect with someone who is in the "same boat" as you are, you look forward to being with them. And your both on the same wave length, you dont want your marriage to end, and you still want to see them. Again, affairs do not just happen, one is looking to fill an empty feeling.

However many will deny, it's amazing to know that such emotional, being "swept off one's feet" responses are actually pretty much acts of logic, planning & careful thought.

How true!

Thks for sharing, Michele. :-)

Dave
TaipeiDreams.com

Michelle:
Your article on spontaneous affairs is right on target. I have worked with hundreds of couples in affairs and many, if not most of them never intended to have the affair. Most were not aware that small steps led to the affair and some insisted that they had certain "rights" which eventually led them into the affair.
Some deliberately ran through stop signs along the way, such as advice from friends or relatives, or sometimes from a therapist. Couples need education on this topic before an affair; many looking back with advice from a therapist can see how it happened and take necessary steps to prevent it from occuring again. Others still don't get it and remain vulnerable to subsequent affairs.
Michele: Keep up the good work with couples. I appreciate you so much.
Jerry

I think what confuses people when they believe affairs happen by accident is that for most couples the decision to have an affair doesn't seem like one big decision. I haven't met many couples where one spouse decided they wanted to cheat and went out looking for a new partner. It is usually a series of many small decisions along the way--having lunch with a co-worker of the opposite sex, telling them about what's frustrating with your marriage, etc. Each small decision seems innocent by itself, but together they lead to an affair.

It's important to set boundaries about under what circumstance you will be alone with the opposite sex, and about keeping marriage problems out of conversations with a friend of the opposite sex, and about keeping yourself accountable to your spouse or to a friend of the same sex. It's not that the marriage is fragile and lacking something, it's that it's normal to feel close to someone who gives you empathy about your problems. If the person you start feeling close to is a friend of the opposite sex, then it will be normal to feel attracted to them, and an affair becomes likely.

This doesn't mean you need to be isolated in your marriage. Having supportive relationships other than only your spouse is important. But don't rely on a firend of the opposite sex for this kind of support. Rely on same-sex friends and and familiy members. Best yet is to find friends who support you but also don't gang-up on your spouse.

Having just gone through a year of hell experiencing my husbands infidelity and claiming " it just happened and I never meant for it to happen" - I saw the handwriting on the wall with his "friendship" and my warnings went unheeded. I begged, pleaded, made an ass out of myself, read as many self-help books as possible, and went to therapy. The lies, deceit, betrayal and emptiness your heart feels as this is happening is something that one works hard to forget. The "Divorce Remedy" book became my bible and through hard work we are trying to work things out. I had to come to my breaking point and finally give the ultimatum - once and for all and he made the decision to finally try to work on our marriage. He seems remorseful and is trying to gain my trust again - I am moving cautiously and guarding my heart, for I cannot go through this again.

Michele,

You are right on tract. Be it infidelity or shoplifting, speeding, all is a slippery slope in that the transgressor has a choice. This is not a question of "just happened" it is a question of ethical choice. I suspect that the attention from the other party and the enhanced esteem is intoxicating and entices, as does any ethical dilemma or vice. The honest response of the guilty party is a choice was made. Also remember it takes two to tango. The party outside the marriage is also guilty of making a choice as well, an ethical choice to become involved with a married, albeit unhappily married man/woman. Their choice should also be viewed in the same light. Unfortunately, our world is too much of "what have you done for me lately" conditional love, rather than the forgiveness that we should extend to all our fellow human beings especially our spouse. Remember the golden rule. Keep writing Michele.

Maybe many feel their affair is not of the heart so it was a fling -- of no import. Honestly, I've never been there and always feel on alert when out with someone of the opposite sex. I would not talk about the home life in a negative light in that scenario even if it were bad. I think marriage, like any relationship, has ups and downs. It makes it more worthwhile that you both pull through it together. Giving your heart is a choice as well. And giving such an intimate part of us is quite an invasion of the married relationship.

There are many people in opposite-sex friendships would feel completely comfortable discussing their marital problems with eachother. Lunching with a co-worker several times might just as easily lead to an affair as not. People simply need to be concious of their own and and eachothers feelings and be aware of what sort of relationship is developing. Of course, some people will recognize that they're about to have an affair and continue the relationship, but at leat they'll recognize what caused the situation. Others, hopefully, will recognize that an inappropriate relationship is forming and, deciding not to cheat, just end the relationship.

I couldn't agree with you more on all the points you mention. Things don't just "happen" to people--particularly having sex.

I was married about 15 years when my husband's job took him to live Monday-Friday in another state for 3 months. It was a difficult time, emotionally, because I was left at home with 2 sons and working full time. I was also suffering from panic disorder. Nonetheless, instead of being a real man and talking about his feelings, he acted passive-agressive and had a one-nighter or so he says. I don't know and don't care now and the only way I found out was that he came down with an STD.

I didn't give up on the marriage because I needed him financially and didn't know how I would make it on my own. It took years to get over the hurt and work things through. I wanted to make sure that it never happened that way again so I got a B.S degree and then a M.S. degree and then a great job. I now make more than he does and could support myself just fine.

Fast forward to now........we've been married over 42 years and the pain has finally gone. I know now that he was and is weaker in nature than I, and his youth led him to know no other way to face conflict than to act in passive-agressive fashion. I don't blame him any longer for his bad choice of action. I am confident that he loves me more now than ever and that we will grow old together. There is life after bad behavior.

I also know that I am stronger, wiser and financially able to move on if bad behavior of any sort occurs.

This is the same story my husband told me and then acted like it was no big deal and that I should have "given him credit" for telling me in the first place as if it were MY fault that he told me when I asked him!

What I don't understand is how he could act so nonchalant about the entire thing like it happened every day.

I know our marriage was not the best to begin with but any time I said anything it was met with silence. I'm a simple person, I just wanted a little of his time and instead I got the kids all the time while he went playing every sport known to man all over Europe and Japan until he finally settled on softball (with 6 different teams) from April to September every year. No time for me or the kids.

It took me years to "get over" his one night (at least that's all I know of) infidelity and even more years to forgive him for it.

We aren't any stronger for it though. As a matter-of-fact he's been screaming divorce for about 4 yrs. now but won't file for one and I won't either. I'm to the point now that I just want out but don't have the funds to make it happen.