Disturbed

Criminal profiling and the deviant mind

Is Your Lover a Pervert?

What to do when the sex is scary

Everyone wants some fun in their sex life. Role playing and being adventurous add heat and excitement. When everyone consents and no one gets hurt, there are no problems. But many people struggle with some of the things that their lovers do.

What is scary? When does a fantasy become frightening? If you look at certain behaviors, you’ll find a sinister element that raises red flags. Some men have fantasies that involve their partners dressing as school girls. It is one thing to ask a lover to dress in school uniform, as many strippers do. It is another thing if your lover asks you to wear pigtails, speak like a little girl, shave your pubic hair, makes you call him ‘daddy,’ and pushes other things in order to turn you into a little girl. Such behavior points to someone who is attracted to children and is walking a dangerous line between a sick fantasy and reality. Always, it is best to walk away if someone wants you to be a child in the bedroom.

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But that isn’t the worst sex scenario. The worst case is one where he wants to hurt you. This is not the experimental game of getting tied up and playfully dominating. Sadistic sex is where your partner really wants to hurt you. Your partner may try to force you to have sex or go to the brink of raping you only to stop at the last minute. Just because he didn’t rape you does not mean that he is not dangerous. If he is putting you in a position of fear and pain, you need to get out. Things won’t get better.

He may try to hit you, cut you, or use a painful object to penetrate you. There is real fear and real pain. In situations like this, a lover will push you to go further every time you have sex. One time he may simply request putting handcuffs on you. The next time he wants to gag you. He goads you into a position where you are completely helpless, and once he does, he causes damage. You end up with bruises and become frightened. You find yourself ashamed and scared, with no one to talk to. Sensing your doubt, your lover says it’s all a game, but this is no game. This is a deviant desire which is designed to make you into nothing more than a sex object. Very, very dangerous activity can leave you dead. If you see yourself here, then get help.

Is your lover asking to choke you while having sex? If so, be warned. Someone who wants to strangle during sex has paired sex and violence. Such behavior does not end well. You have to ask yourself why he would want to cut off your air during sex. This is someone who becomes sexually aroused while choking the oxygen right out of you. He has violent fantasies which could easily end in death. It is too dangerous to play with, so be warned if someone asks you to engage in this kind of rough sex. It is bad news.

Has your lover ever asked you to play dead while he has sex with you? I am hoping the answer is ‘no’ because if someone is asking you to look as if you are simply a dead body, then that person has necrophilia fantasies. This person is turned on by the dead. And there is a high probability that such an individual has a desire to kill. This is a no win situation. Get out while the getting is good.

Does your lover insist on using you to lure other women to do the activities listed above? Maybe he wants you to get him girls. He tells you he can take out his frustrations on them to keep you safe. Watch it. Blatantly using you for bait is a huge warning sign, and one you should never ignore.

Was there ever a time that your lover pushed you to have sex with another person in front of him? Attempting to force you to engage in sexual relations with a third party when you do not want to is domineering, psychopathic behavior. Many times, men like this will try to force you into sex against your will for their entertainment. Again, pushing you to do something uncomfortable is not ok. They do this as a power move to show that they have control over you, to make you do something that you consider degrading.

If you see your lover or boyfriend in any of the above circumstances, then take a step back to think. You should never feel forced to do something that feels wrong to you. No matter how much you love someone, it is never right to give in when sex gets scary. Anyone who corners you into an uncomfortable or frightening situation is not your friend. This type of person is using you for his convenience. You are nothing more than a toy, an object. That is how he sees you, and it will not change. You cannot change someone with this mentality. Such a person has paired sex with violence, and once that pairing has been made, you cannot break it.

I have worked with so many women who were abused and raped, and they always had horrible self esteem. Sadly, none of them felt worthy of getting help. So I want to let women and men know that no one has the right to make you feel like you have to do anything degrading. Remember, that is not love. Love is comfort, not pain.

You may not think that you can ever find true love, and if you stay with Mr. Wrong who is hurting you, then you won’t find it. You have to keep your self respect and protect yourself. Only then can you find happiness. If you get stuck in a situation where you are being hurt in any relationship, you may not ever come out of it.

Remember you are worth more than being treated as an object. If you feel like you are all alone remember that there are people out there who care. You have to take the first step to reach out for help. You have to decide your life is worth saving. Once you take that first step, the other steps will be much easier.

Deborah Schurman-Kauflin, Ph.D., is a criminal profiler and expert on serial crimes.

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