Editor's Note: Today, I spoke with two leading child experts, Dr. Foster Cline, M.D., and Lisa Greene, co-authors of the book Parenting Children with Health Issues. Here are some tips for parents on how to make sure siblings don't get lost in the shuffle of doctors and hospitals.
"Siblings of children with chronic health issues or disabilities are left out because the parent must spend an inordinate amount of time on healthcare issues for the child with the special needs," the say. "Parents sometimes feel guilty about the lack of time and energy they have for the other children, but this guilt is dangerous because it can lead parents to overcompensate with material gifts and overindulgence, which can lead to entitled and demanding children."
They recommend ways parents can help a sibling cope in this situation:
* Focus on feelings - parents are often reluctant to have children express their feelings when the issue (such as a disabled sibling) cannot be resolved, yet simply listening and exploring feelings actually solves many problems (just as therapy includes a lot of talking while a therapist listens). Parents should not be overly apologetic or defensive about the time and energy they need to spend on the child with special needs because such defensiveness can validate resentful responses from the sibling. Instead parents should create the expectation that the sibling can handle the situation.
* Make time - parents should spend time alone with the non-disabled child as often as possible - it's not a matter of how much time is spent - time alone, even in bits and pieces, really matters.
* Let them help - involving the child in the care of the disabled sibling can help create a spirit of family cohesion and cooperation. This also allows the siblings to bond and makes the child who helps out feel included and important.
* Sibling support groups, camps and workshops should not be overlooked. The Sibling Support Project (highly recommended by Foster and Lisa and mentioned in their book), is a wonderful resource.
