Great blog, I was charged by UPS for two years (at least) each time I sent a package.....I would pay in cash AND get billed. Three separate times I spent frustrating and useless time with officials and even lawyers at their end to no avail, fianlly some intelligent woman fixed it...three years later.......I think this certainly qualifies as an empathic institutional failure.....but my relationship with them didn't seem to get closer upon resolution.....I just rarely call them to pick up packages....do I have a forgiveness issue?

Dr. Yalom poses a relevant question of our day. One would think the human beings working for institutions would have their personal experiences to carry into their customer
service jobs. Therefore, having some degree of empathic
understanding. Not so? Have people become so programmed by their job prescriptions that they clock into their jobs and leave their empathy at the door?

Cool Blog Dr. Yalom! I had a similar experience with the Alaska State Department of Occupational Licensing. You would expect a typical bureaucratic response from a state agency but in 2009 you would also expect they would be able to receive a payment by for a professional license via fax using a credit card. But no, they haven't moved into the 21st century. Even that wouldn't be so surprising but their response when I suggested that they add the ability to use credit cards to the State website was that they didn't do that. I told the person who dutifully responded to my email that is why I had made this suggestion and that it was already available with other Alaska State departments. Ultimately, I did receive an email that acknowledged they hoped to add that feature in the future but didn't have the ability to accept payment by fax at this time. It's not just huge corporations that have this problem.

Hi Victor, what an intriguing piece. May I suggest also that you write to the president of UPS?
What happened was that the bureaucrat became hypnotized by the technical constraints of her job---a truly Dilbertoid situation. What was missing is actually missing in most situations: The art of empathy, the modeling of seeing a respected other handle this situation well:
Ideal agent: "Oh, I hate it when this kind of mix-up happens. I'm so sorry. I plan to write this up and shoot it up a couple of levels, because ironing out these kinds of problems is what our managers are paid to do. I'll do what I can to help you at this level. Please forgive us: Complex glitches happen, and I haven't really encountered this specific one before. I'll also ask around later and see if others have had this kind of problem."
That's what I'd like to hear her say. That's the way my wife Allee deals with folks from both sides. She might have said, "I know you feel stuck in the middle on this... (adapting what's said above.) "Would you please... (let others know)? Can you write me an email about the follow-up? and if the person is helpful, can I have your name and where I can mention your helpfulness to your supervisor?" And then send that email as a follow-up.

I think that few people have experienced this from either end. Most tech support and other middleman roles get dissatisfied customers who blame them for their larger system inefficiencies; and in turn they react to requests for help by freezing up. I suspect it's quite unconscious and they don't even have the training or psychological background to recognize that their interpersonal skills could be improved. They may have never had more positive, gentle, or empathic modeling, or even---for many people---have never or rarely been treated more gently or nicely by anyone---customers, supervisors, parents, or teachers.

Your blog brings out a level of friction that I suspect is ubiquitous and tragically unnecessary---except that it is what will happen unless we advance the cause of psychological literacy, help the average person learn about and be given heaps of positive reinforcement for learning about practical psychology, the need for tact, diplomacy, friendliness, letting others off the hook, giving others room to maneuver, and so forth.