Relationships, when they are good, are so very good. They can fill us up, make us feel complete, enhance who we are as a person, and contribute to a sense of self-worth. But what happens when that sense of completeness begins to completely determine how we feel about ourselves? As most of us know – relationships are good and they are also tough. And during those tough moments – what happens to ones’ self-worth?
It seems a dangerous line to walk – attaching ones’ self worth to a relationship. At this point, many of you reading are thinking – “pffft, I don’t do that…my “self-worth” doesnt depend on him/her.” But really, lets think about this for a second. We all do this. In fact, it’s quite healthy – to depend on our partner and to enjoy feeling valued. Partners should enhance us, should challenge us to be better, and should make us feel more worthy. But there is a delicate tipping point – a point that is difficult to see, difficult to draw in the sand, and hard to sense when you’ve reached it. But when these warm fuzzy feelings turn into the foundation for how you feel about yourself – well, that can cause problems.
This idea is hardly new; many researchers have tackled what is termed “Relationship Contingency” wherein a person’s self-worth is based on the status of their relationship and their partner. And “contingencies of self-worth” for other things are prevalent in the academic literature. Because, in fact, we all derive our sense of worth, in part, from other things, other people, other interactions. But what is the cost of externally based self-worth when it becomes weighted heavily on our relationship?
When how we feel about our self is based on our partner and the status of our relationship – a very precarious dynamic is struck. Our self-worth is then hitched to the natural ups and downs of a relationship – any relationship. We may make compromises about what we want and what we are willing to do in all areas of the relationship and outside of it, just to assure greater acceptance and therefore greater self-worth. In this way, the very core of who we are then becomes much less stable. This entanglement of self-worth and relationship status becomes further problematic when we lose perspective of our “bottom line” – or our sense of when its time to adjust or leave a relationship. Those who experience their relationship as significantly related to their sense of self-worth may be less inclined to end the relationship, even when it has passed the point of being healthy or happy. They may try to obsessively fix or pursue the relationship, losing sight of what they want and need. In addition, commitment to the relationship may continue to be high but may be more of a reflection of trying to sustain that sense of self worth rather than sustaining a healthy and mutually benefiting relationship. After all, if we haven’t said it or thought it, we have all heard someone say after a break-up “But I don’t even know who I am without him/her!”
Deriving a sense of self-worth from elsewhere - from family, friends, romantic partners, jobs – makes sense and contributes to a healthy self-esteem. But the benefit is found in finding balance. We must keep our finger on the pulse of where we are building our sense of self-worth and how much of it is attached to any one thing or person. In the end, the strongest most sustainable sense of worth is built upon many foundations. It is built by knowing ones values and ones sense of meaning in life, and then seeking out opportunities to contribute to those areas. Bringing a strong sense of self-worth to a relationship creates a mutually enriching dynamic that helps both partners grow.
How to know if your self-worth is a little too relationship-based? Ask yourself:
- Is my relationship more important than who I am as a person?
- Has my sense of self changed drastically and continues to shift in my relationship?
- Do I feel empty when imagining not being in this relationship?
- Do I feel empty when Im alone?
- The times I feel good about myself, are they all connected to my partner?
- Does my relationship fill some void I feel?
