The idea of an "other" added to a monogamous relationship seems understandably confusing and threatening to most partners. Giving your partner free reign to indulge and engage with other people outside your relationship causes more than a little "yuck" in most our minds (and stomachs). But, what if an "other" could enhance the relationship? And no, I'm not talking about a threesome here.
Most of our lives are comprised of a number of different people, weaving themselves in and out of our life in complex ways. It makes sense that from time to time, we find ourselves really connected to someone. Perhaps physically, or psychologically, intellectually, spiritually, or in any number of ways that ignite us. And what is our first reaction? Often, those in a happily committed relationship react with fear - closing themselves off to this connection for the possible danger that it carries. And, of course, this kind of connection is dangerous. But it doesn't have to be.
Holding our partner accountable to completely and totally fulfill us, in this moment, all the moments past, and all those to come - is a hefty burden to place on a person. A burden that is at best unreasonable and at worst, harmful and unrealistic. So what is the answer? Instead of settling to be unsatisfied in various parts of our lives, perhaps we could find that partial fulfillment in an ‘other'. A couple I once saw for therapy had been happily married for 30 years - she a librarian, he an auto mechanic. They were quite possibly one of the happiest and healthiest couples I have worked with. But her love of ideas, travel, and books was unshared by her partner; just as his passion for snowmobiles, jeeps, and tinkering were unappreciated by her. These important values may have slipped into nonexistence given the lack of commonality between the two. But, instead, they both found an "other" to enrich and enhance these values. She found a man with whom she worked that she was able to have rich conversations about world issues and inspiring novels. He found a woman who shared his enthusiasm for trail riding by jeep or four-wheeler. Easily, these relationships could have been categorized as inappropriate or dangerous to their relationship. But the two carefully and intentionally allowed themselves to experience their connection with an "other". Labeling this engagement as strictly "wrong" would have precluded them from two beautiful and mutually fulfilling relationships. In addition, connecting in this way and sharing things that were most important to them, allowed them to be more the people they wanted to be in life. It imbued them with passion, excitement, and energy that they could bring to their relationship. In short, it made them better partners.
These connections with ‘others' do not come risk-free. Indeed, it seems that these types of bonds are not easily enjoyed by partners who experience higher levels of insecurity or jealousy. In addition, those who have trouble maintaining agreed upon boundaries of a relationship may also have trouble connecting to an ‘other' while honoring the responsibilities to their partner. This dynamic requires being vigilantly mindful of what you are thinking and doing and feeling. It requires being really honest with yourself - monitoring and restraining your feelings and actions to protect your relationship.
Too easily, people fall into the trap of thinking - "this is great, I want more of it, I want it to be more". This dynamic requires continual recognition of its inherent limitations; that a connection with someone can be fulfilling and enriching without it progressing or culminating into a sexual relationship or an emotional affair.
Finally, there is the issue of how all of this is conveyed to your partner. A common reaction to these relationships is to hide it or pretend it isn't there, which can lead the relationship down an unintentional and dangerous course. Honesty is a vital component to the negotiation of this dynamic. But - sometimes too much honesty can have the opposite effect. Hearing about an incredible fulfilling enriching connection with an ‘other' can understandably make a person feel left out, jealous, and worried about the direction of the relationship. A delicate balance can be struck in being mindful about what your partner needs to hear and what would set off unnecessary alarm bells. Each relationship and partner is different, with some needing to know everything about the interactions while others merely need to know that nothing inappropriate is being done or felt.
The world is full of people who can enrich, challenge, and fulfill us. These people take the form of friends, family, and ‘others'. Having the courage to be open to these connections while maintaining committed and honest to our partner is worthy of the exploration. Undoubtedly, this type of situation is not for everyone. Whether that's true for you or not, its important to consider what and who we are closing ourselves off from and for what reason.
Quick Tips:
(1.) Consider your language when talking about your ‘other' (i.e. avoid language about how much you "love" them or how much you "cant wait to see them").
(2.) Limit the time spent with the ‘other' and never spend time with an ‘other' when your partner really needs you.
(3.) Monitor your feelings and be alert to signs that you or the ‘other' might be investing too much emotionally.
(4.) Limit touching - the dynamic is already a bit of a slippery slope, touching only makes the slope more slick.
(5.) Be aware of the possibility that your partner may not be able to handle this and be prepared to do what is necessary to protect your relationship or make adjustments.
