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This month, let us continue now with part 2 of (what would have been) my presentation at AutismOne.
My goal for this presentation / blog is to have parents adopt the mindset of Transformation rather than Coping. To do so, I will convey the Tools of Transformation that have helped me become a positive force and improve Alex’s life and my own.
If you look up the word Cope, you read “deal effectively with something difficult”. Defined the word Cope is just fine. However, in daily use cope takes a negative turn. We use it to describe how one simply survives or manages or muddles through. It is to this sense of the word that I rebel and ask you to choose to transform rather than simply cope. Transform, “make a thorough or dramatic change in form, appearance or character”. Yes, I like this idea much better than simply surviving, as it directs us to something more, a possible higher plane by accepting the challenge of climbing to said plane. Coping may help you survive, but transformation will help you to thrive.
Another way to look at this – coping is playing the hand you are dealt. I don’t want to geek out on you all, too much, but we need to be more like Kirk in the Star Trek movie Wrath of Khan (the best of the series). If you recall, at the beginning, cadets are taking a test called the Kobayashi Maru, in which they face a no-win scenario. Kirk, no fan of the no-win, decides to reprogram the computer so that he can win. This is what we need to do as parents of kids with special needs; we need to reprogram ourselves to become a transformational force.
Over the next few posts I will detail the tools I have used, but introduce them here as Optimism and Organization. In Optimism we focus on the journey, not the past (which leads to depression) nor the future (which leads to anxiety), but the present. For we can control this, here, right now, and with this control we can shape the future. In Organization, we take a stepwise approach to control and manage our path. I will use the Japanese word Kaizen here, we unfortunately do now have an equivalent term in English, which loosely translated is to “constantly, incrementally improve for the better”. We will come back to this in a later post.
For myself, my “Guy Plan” (see last post here) had to change for me to become a transformational force. Not right away mind you, but I did eventually embrace becoming a full time single parent. This led me to likeminded others and to the opportunity to become an advocate and writer to tell the somewhat unusual tale of a single, sole-custody dad in the autism community. I also transformed from corporate tool to entrepreneur, grudgingly at first (tough to get an analyst or hedge fund job when you tell the boss you have to leave at 2 pm each day to pick up your kid), until I realized what an opportunity I had been given. Many, if not all, dream about escaping from being a cog in the corporate machine, but shy away given the overwhelming nature of going against the heard, or if you prefer, leaving the flock. Autism gave me this chance. What I have done is create a new business by solving a problem I recognized from my corporate tool days – lack of investor recognition of global micro and small cap companies on Wall Street.
All of these changes have given my life the flexibility required to take care of Alex, be on top of the information and therapies in the community (via my book) and work for the advancement of our community. These “transformations” provide me with a greater feeling of success and meaning than I though possible in my previous iteration.
So when you enter the Club Nobody Wants to Join, walk in confident and embrace the path before you.
Next time: What Happened to Alex?
*If anyone would like a presentation copy or sample spreadsheet (that I reference throughout the presentation, visit my site www.kensiri.com and send me a request).
