Curious?

When is Chiropractic Care a Scam? What About Reflexology? Magnetic Therapy?

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 14:05:53 +0000

I was a horrible football player in high school. Terrified of losing my expensive non-disposable contact lenses, I made the unwise decision to remove them before walking onto the field. As you might expect, I was often crushed to the ground without even seeing who hit me. Friends and family in the stands witnessed brutal breaks in my shoulder and torn ligaments in my neck. When my pain tolerance wore thin and I relented to surgery, the next several months were spent with an arm wed to my torso under plaster. When the cast was removed, besides physical therapy, I saw a chiropractor. And it seemed to work. The pain disappeared, my shoulder and neck felt supple, and so I continued going to chiropractors for years.

Impatient to become bigger, stronger, and faster, I never let my body heal on its own terms. When I finally did, I realized that I felt better without my trusty chiropractor.

Why do I share this story? Because when someone is in chronic pain, unable to function, they are susceptible to charismatic people who claim to have the answers. Skepticism disappears. Consumers aren't to blame. This is an age of unprecedented information overload. Who has the time to read the science on whether chiropractic care works? Chiropractic care must be effective. After all, why would health insurance companies pay for visits? I mean, if someone suffers from crippling depression, their insurance only pays for 10-15 visits to a therapist (even though most treatments require at least 3 months to be effective!).

Despite my narrow focus on chiropractic care, I could just as easily be talking about other alternative approaches such as reflexology (the unproven idea that there are connections between the foot and nearly every organ in the body and applying pressure to the right spots on the foot can alleviate ailments and even diseases).

As a clinical psychologist and scientist, I wanted to share three red flags that an intervention is likely to be a scam or sham on the horizon:

1. Jargon. If a practitioner knows what that they are doing, they should be able to explain why their services are needed and how they work so that an 11-year old can understand. Don't ever blame yourself if you are confused by wacky terms, practitioners should be able to describe your problem and their plan in everyday language. If your chiropractor tells you that subluxations of the bones and joints (misalignments) are responsible for an illness or disease, don't be content with this gobbledygook. I kid you not, this is the exact same thing that Daniel D. Palmer, the founder of chiropractic care, wrote about in 1895! Palmer thought that subluxations were the cause of nearly every problem suffered by humankind. Haven't we learned a few things about the human body in the past 115 years? After all, in 1895, scientists had just learned that little microbes called germs can cause disease and perhaps its a good idea if surgeons wash their hands before reaching inside your body cavity.

Moving beyond chiropractors, there are proponents of magnetic therapy who claim that wearing their brand of necklace or bracelet will change the body's magnetic field, aligning or changing electrons, which in turn stimulates healing. Sounds really interesting until you ask how this magnetic field works. How do little trinkets know exactly which electrons and body parts need to be changed and which to leave alone? And how did this magnetic field get out of whack in the first place to lead to health conditions such as headaches, sinus problems, arthritis, insomnia, and cancer and heart disease? All of which are supposedly healed by magnetic therapies (a multi-billion dollar industry)!

2. Evidence. Following the mantra of Carl Sagan, "extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence." But let's be generous, how about evidence showing that a group of people receiving alternative medicine fare better than people who exercise regularly, sleep well, and eat healthy over a 6-month period?

Gushy testimonials are not enough. What do you think happens after a reflexologist gives you an intense foot massage or a chiropractor stretches the joints and tissues that join vertebrae to one another? You're going to feel real good, much better than when you came in. And you are going to attribute this relief, this feeling of hope, to chiropratic care or reflexology. And in a few days when you return to how poorly you felt before, you are going to schedule another appointment.

On top of this, we often attempt to justify the time, effort, and money devoted to therapy by saying that it's helpful. These reactions are often automatic. That is, we don't deceive ourselves on purpose, it happens outside of conscious awareness. Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance. Before your first ever visit to a chiropractor, you might be 60% confident that it's going to help. Asked again after spending hundreds of dollars on dozens of visits, you are likely to be 70, 80, even 100% certain that the treatment is working. There are hundreds of studies to document this process. Our knowledge about ourselves is more flawed than we think. This is just one of many reasons why anecdotes do not quality as acceptable evidence that medicine works.

Ask your practitioner for stronger evidence. Ask about published research. Ask for details about the research such as what other possible explanations could exist for why people ended up better after treatment. You want to know if their treatment is better than waiting and letting the body heal on its own. You want to know if their treatment better than exercise. You want to know if their treatment is better than taking pain relievers. You want to know what exactly is going to be changed that is relevant to the problem being treated. And while you're asking questions, carefully observe your therapist. Look for signs of resistance, look for signs that they're comfortable (vs. being pissed off) with your curiosity, and look for signs that they are more interested in your health instead of selling their wares. Any good therapist should welcome an engaged, skeptical consumer walking through their doors...unless they have something to hide or something to be afraid of.

3. Change should be observable and measurable. There should be some clear, objective way to know that the treatment is doing what is supposed to do. I'm not talking about feeling good after being touched in a gentle way on the feet or back. Feeling good doesn't mean a treatment works. Our feelings are affected by the weather, hormones, music, colors, and a thousand other features that have nothing to do with being treated for an ailment.

If a chiropractor says that a subluxation is the cause of your problem, then you should be able to gauge the steady, systematic decline of a subluxation. If you are taking part in magnetic therapy, you should be able to observe changes in your magnetic field and the alignment of electrons and ions. Ask your practitioner how they are going to measure what your magnetic field looks like before treatment and how they are going to notice whether there is improvement. If there is no way to tell that you improved except by what you feel then there is no evidence that their work is responsible for any gains. Can you see it on an X-ray? in a blood test? in a brain scanner? a test of flexibility, stamina, or physical strength? Do other people notice a difference (who don't know you are being treated)? You can never rely solely on anyone's so-called words of expertise. They have plenty of economic incentives to tell you that you are getting better or that you need to be patient and continue what you are doing with them to get better.

Yes, I'm concerned when people offer treatments that lack evidence. I'm concerned when people in pain or who are sick, weak, or desperate for help are preyed upon. When someone invests their limited time and money in a treatment that doesn't work, there is an opportunity cost. That is, they are being pulled away from treatments that can really help them. When this happens, everyone loses.

Here's a simple idea for health care reform, only support treatments that work. When it comes to the spinal manipulations of chiropractors, magnetic therapies, and reflexology, there is little evidence that they are effective in the treatment of any medical condition. And as for lower back pain, headaches, or neck pain, these procedures have yet to be shown to be any better or worse than any other standard intervention that consumers are confident in. This includes massages and exercise. So if you want to get rid of some pork and help prevent problems in the first place, remove chiropractic care from health care plans and support people to exercise regularly....

Dr. Todd B. Kashdan is a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at George Mason University. He is the author of Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life. For more about his books and research, go to www.toddkashdan.com

What Psychological Science Says about Obama and What Makes an Effective Leader in Trying Times

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 14:50:52 +0000

Until George Bush Jr. became president, the word "incurious" was seldom linked with American Diplomacy. From all accounts, Bush was extremely loyal to the people and groups he identified with, respectful of authority and order, and extremely committed to his values of security and tradition. Yet blatantly absent was the curiosity, the openness to change, that makes a president good.

In less than a decade, we experienced the terrorist attacks of 9/11, collapse of the subprime lending market, and the genome project where for the first time a species mapped out the recipe for creating itself. History is a sequence of novelty, surprising events, and discoveries. A leader who needs certainty and fails to be curious is at a major disadvantage. During the incurious George administration, government officials were consistently pressured to corroborate reports with the steadfast beliefs and gut feelings of Bush and his cronies. For eight long years, this presented an unsuitable climate for people to inquire, test hypotheses, consider alternatives, and interpret data before arriving at a conclusion. Bush's legacy is a lesson on the danger of power in the absence of curiosity: the international community views us as a country that imposes its will without sufficient rationale.

But that's in the past, let's move to now, right now. It's refreshing to hear Obama speak of his uncertainty about the future of the economy or foreign relations because anything less would be dishonest. For many, the image of him extending his hand to Chavez or talking with the leader of Iran is repulsive and inappropriate. At this exact moment, people from other political parties, media pundits, and even a growing section of the general public are lambasting him for being timid, for thinking instead of being rash and aggressive.

As a scientist who studies strengths of character, I view these events differently. He is exercising the least common strength in the United States, self-control, along with one of the most common strengths, curiosity. He is assessing instead of trying to dominate the situation. He recognizes that a strong stance would curry favor of people who crave an immediate resolution but history says that it might backfire. Governments such as Iran control information. Interventions by foreigners are used as pre-packaged propaganda. When foreigners are blamed it's easy to escalate the violence and destruction. When it appears that he is not acting, Obama is acting. Obama is letting things unfold and patiently waiting for the right opening so that this crisis is handled effectively. By exercising his self-control and curiosity, Obama gains new perspectives to make informed judgments instead of premature commitments to temporary solutions that might be ill-informed in the long run. This level of willpower is far too rare in an era of impatience and immediacy. Because soon the cameras will stop rolling as the media moves on to the next international crisis. When Obama shows a combination of openness and restraint, the international community in turn, shows a readiness to meet him and improve existing relationships. This approach requires someone to always be thinking two to three moves ahead on the chess board.

This is how to lead in an evolving world. Be wary of so-called experts who approach new problems with the old tools of past solutions. When we carefully observe other people and situations with an open, receptive attitude, our attention is broadened, we draw a greater number of connections between ideas, resulting in flexible and creative thinking. As if this weren't enough, when we are open-minded, negative emotions fail to linger or derail us from making progress toward our goals.

If you want to diffuse conflicts and negotiate with seemingly hostile leaders, you don't avoid them until they agree to your demands. Instead, you take the time to be genuinely curious about their perspective. What are the values and interests that motivate them? Where is there agreement? How can areas of disagreement be recognized as opposing principles that on balance could work? The past administration assumed a firm stance that "opponents" -- especially "The Axis of Evil" -- would eventually submit to American power and perspective.

Obama has a keen curiosity about allies and opponents alike. This doesn't mean he agrees with everything they say and do. This doesn't mean he is committed to altering or changing his position based on what he learns. Instead, he gathers insights that allow him to decide on the best course of action.

Obama's approach to diplomacy is backed by laboratory research by psychologists. Ask a clarifying question about the other person's view to let them know you are listening. That's it. One question and suspend your beliefs for a short period of time so that the other person doesn't become defensive and shut down. Probe for details and you will be viewed as warm and open-minded and in turn, compromises benefiting everyone become more likely. Curiosity is contagious. Show interest in what "opponents" care about and they will do the same. The takeaway lesson is that Obama's behavior sets the stage for the win-win outcomes of a benevolent society.

Obama is surrounded by what leaders need: advisors chosen based on credentials and who are ready to dissent in the appropriate situation. To be curious in a stressful situation a person needs to harness the ability to tolerate pain and discomfort. Far too many atrocities, wars, and societal ills can often be traced to the absence of curiosity.

We need leaders who search for fresh solutions instead of recycling old ideas. We need leaders that take an interest in how to modify their behavior and feelings to match the demands of situations. When human rights are being stifled and innocent people are being killed, the world should be skeptical of everything that is being done by leaders. Knowing that real lives are on the line, I suggest that critics follow Obama's lead and check to see whether seemingly good interventions are more than pawns on the grand chessboard.

[NOTE: if you can't read the caption on the picture it says, "Always remember that fear and intimidation bring immediate results."]

Dr. Todd B. Kashdan is a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at George Mason University. He is the author of Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life. Details about his book and research can be found at www.toddkashdan.com

Follow Todd Kashdan on Twitter: www.twitter.com/toddkashdan

Beyond Jesus Christ: Another person with a really interesting death who should motive you to live better

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 19:46:57 +0000

Some people show a preference for seeking out new knowledge and experiences for their own sake. In fact, they often accept psychological, social, and even physical risks to obtain these experiences. Each of us feels this way sometimes but there are some people who show a preference to expand the boundaries of who they are, what they know, and what they do. We can call these people "curious explorers."

It requires a willingness to recognize that what we know is limited and that as soon as we think we understand something, we stop paying attention. It requires an ability to tolerate the pain, ambiguity, and confusion that arises anytime we leave our comfort zone. It requires a desire to continue growing and evolving as a person. We have to be vulnerable to explore new territory. After all, we are going to make mistakes, get hurt, and look foolish every once in awhile. Unfortunately, our society doesn't reward someone who is willing to be vulnerable. Instead our society rewards people that possess unwavering confidence, a sense of certainty, and a personality that can be easily labeled and understood. If you disagree, consider these scenarios.

Politicians who refuse to take an unambiguous stance on an issue. Genetically engineered foods, good or evil? Pick an ally, Israel or Palestine? Right now, decide the fate of women making difficult decisions around the globe, are you for or against abortion? When is the recession going to end? (and while you're at it, give us an exact date.) Anything less than certainty and everyone is aghast because leadership is about making decisions. The idea that context matters and both sides have a point is ludicrous. Keep it simple. Stick to soundbites.

College students who have yet to declare a major. This is what they often hear from parents, teachers, and peers: "what are you waiting for?" "what's wrong with you?" "you do know that you're falling behind everyone else?" and "why are you in college if you don't know what you want to do with your life?" Uncertainty is the mark of weakness. After all, what a silly notion to get an ample tasting of what different fields have to offer. What a silly notion to better understand what one is passionate about before committing to a single career for the next 60 years.

Thankfully, some curious people from the past felt compelled to share what they learned from their explorations. Sir Francis Bacon, the great British scientist, philosopher, lawyer, historian, and education reformer of the 1600's, was curiosity incarnate. Some of his most famous statements on the topic resonate 400 years later.

Sir Francis Bacon on the ability to tolerate pain, novelty, and ambiguity:

If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties.

As the births of living creatures at first are ill-shapen, so are all innovations, which are the births of time.

There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.

It is a miserable state of mind to have few things to desire and many things to fear.

A man must make his opportunity, as oft as find it.

Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.

He that will not apply new remedies must expect new evils; for time is the greatest innovator.

They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea.

Sir Francis Bacon on other people and how they help and hinder our ability to be open, curious, and flexible:

Men fear death as children fear to go in the dark; and as that natural fear in children is increased with tales, so is the other.

Man seeketh in society comfort, use, and protection.

A sudden bold and unexpected question doth many times surprise a man and lay him open.

Besides being hard working and ambitious, Bacon possessed boundless curiosity. Consider a single day of his life. In 1626, he was heading home in a carriage on a snowy evening with one of the king's physicians. Horse carriage small-talk and gossip was interrupted by an idea that Bacon couldn't shake. Looking at the snow-covered ground, Bacon wondered if a dead body could be preserved in the surrounding cold ice. Bacon had to know the answer. Not content to wait until returning home, he stopped the driver and jumped into the snow like a child let loose on a Toys R Us shopping spree. He bought a hen from a peasant woman, paid a bit extra to have it killed, and stuffed the lifeless hen with snow. Bacon, in all his wacky glory, could barely contain his enthusiasm as he shivered in the bitter wind waiting to see if there was any merit to his idea. Only when he was thoroughly chilled and his experiment was over did he continue his journey to a friend's house. Once there, he started showing signs of serious illness. Although the historical record is unclear, he contracted either bronchitis or pneumonia before this spontaneous expedition. And later that night, he died. Think about it. The guy died to satisfy his curiosity! And a pretty morbid dose of curiosity.

Here you have a moment that is both tragic and beautiful. A famous historical figure died the same way he lived. A man in love with discovering knowledge and creating meaning provides the world with a final factoid about how to preserve chicken and beef for later in the week. Which of course led to blood banks, cryogenic labs, and a slew of other advances. His story highlights the fact that curiosity is a powerful motivator for why we do the things we do. His story highlights the link between curiosity and innovation. Understanding this motivation allows us to understand human nature and our evolution as a species. Imagine what an alternative universe would look like where no creature was curious....stagnation would run rampant and tolerance and compassion for dissimilar people would come to a standstill.

There is not a shred of scientific evidence to suggest that being incurious and intolerant of uncertainty and change is the road to wellness. The unknown will always outweigh the known. Exploring new terrain can help us build pleasurable, engaging, and meaningful moments. These moments are the building blocks of a life well-lived.

Dr. Todd B. Kashdan is a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at George Mason University He is the author of Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life. Details about his book and research can be found at www.toddkashdan.com

Lessons from the Science of Well-Being for New Graduates and their Parents

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:07:34 +0000

For the past decade, I have been teaching my dream course called "The Science of Well-Being," exposing my students to what scientists have learned about happiness, positive emotions, love, creativity, forgiveness, mindfulness, curiosity, and meaning and purpose in life. This is my launching pad for dispensing advice to graduates about how to leave the sanctuary of college.

Regardless of your SAT scores, GPA, and the U.S. News & World Report ranking of your college, odds are that you are as bad as everyone else at figuring out what is going to lead to a fulfilling life. When asked, people think that novel, uncertain events will be less pleasurable than feeling absolutely certain and possessing every bit of information possible in a situation. However, scientists are finding that when events are new and uncertain our pleasure is more likely to be intense; it will linger longer and be more meaningful. What this means is that most of us are doing the exact opposite of what will bring us fulfillment.

How can you thrive in an uncertain, unpredictable, rapidly evolving world?

Explore your deepest, most central values by devoting time for introspection. Schedule this time as you would your workout sessions and doctor appointments. Imagine, for a moment, that you could wave a magic wand to ensure the approval and admiration of everyone on the planet, forever. In that case, what would you choose to do with your life? Think about your answer. Don't let the opinions and expectations of others determine the outcome of this exercise. When you are the author of your behavior and choices, you'll devote more effort, make more progress, and derive more satisfaction and meaning from your goals.

Search for lessons and inspirations in unexpected places and don't surround yourself with people who are too similar to you. Recognize that your knowledge and perspective is limited. Only through multiple perspectives can we grasp the totality of an idea or issue. Talk to strangers that look and act nothing like you. Econ majors: hang out with musicians and capture their joy in improvisation. Dancers: take a Math major to lunch and enjoy the thrill of their focused approach to problems.

Don't judge yourself harshly against people that appear more knowledgeable and successful than you. Every so-called expert was trained by what worked in the past for a future that will present new problems. Take a close look at how the wizards of Wall Street tripped over their knowledge.

Be willing to be anxious, uncomfortable, and mistake-prone because these are the natural consequences of taking on challenges. As soon as someone thinks they know what they are doing, they pull out their recipes and start applying old ideas to new situations. This often marks the end of productivity, creativity, and innovation. Proudly proclaim that you will be a lifelong learner, never an expert.

Time and energy are the most limited and valuable commodities in life. Forget about accumulating 1000 friends on Facebook. Nourish a few significant, meaningful relationships with people who will support your explorations and provide a safe haven to which you can always return. Discover your strengths and find new ways to use them; discover your passions and devote effort to them on a daily basis.

Forget about the pursuit of happiness. Create a life that matters and you might catch happiness along the way.

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoidance of danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing."
~Helen Keller~

NOTE: This was originally an op-ed at The Huffington Post by the same author and title.

Disclaimer: only read this if you are interested in mysterious, bizarre, deviant, and intriguing human behavior

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Thu, 28 May 2009 02:45:32 +0000

There’s an issue that you may have been contemplating since you started reading this blog or anything related to my book that was released last month. Depending on the particular circumstances, curiosity can be over-utilized, problematic, perverted, and an impediment to the well-being of another person and society.

I feel compelled to write a brief disclaimer before you consider reading Chapter 8. It diverges from the rest of the book. The content may be unsettling to the highly sensitive person. This is because I discuss disturbing behavior. Unlike other chapters in this book, there are few uplifting, positive stories. However, understanding the potential dark side of human nature is an intervention in itself.

All of us have inclinations that we consider acting on but decide not to for fear of harming our self, people we care about, or our position as a socially responsible member of society. There is something to be said about embracing your dark side. Discover how it is part of you without acting in ways that impinge on the welfare of other people or hinder your own lasting well-being. When the dark side beckons, we seek short-term pleasure and gratification at the expense of long-term positive feelings and meaning in life. Careful contemplation allows you to decide whether the short-term benefits outweigh long-term costs.

For most of you, the topics in Chapter 8 will be outside the scope of your personal life. That’s fine. Another goal in writing this chapter is that the dark side of curiosity is downright interesting. We are curious about the dark side of human behavior, we are curious about what our lives would be like if we acted purely on impulse, we wonder about people far removed from ourselves. (no anxiety, no empathy, no inhibitions, no control.)

If we want to fully understand curiosity, I believe we need to attend to the various manifestations, even those that cause us discomfort. We gain little by ignoring, avoiding, and hiding from uncomfortable feelings. Whether you are paying attention or not, the dark side exists. It benefits everyone to acknowledge when strengths go awry. It helps to know about the “banality of evil.”

For instance, consider necrophilia. That’s right, people with an erotic interest in dead bodies. Aren’t you the least bit interested in why some people get sexually aroused by corpses and spend their weekend nights with them instead of the living? Come on. Even MGM, the company that made Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and the Wizard of Oz, got in on the action with the 1996 movie called Kissed (don’t freak out, there are no sex scenes as the focus is on the tender loving romance between a teenage girl and her corpse). Now if you think necrophilia is inappropriate to write about or even discuss, please don’t read on. (though I know you will because it’s hard to resist an adventure to the outposts of human nature).

So here it is; the unearthing of a fascinating psychology study that nobody knows about. Rosman and Resnick (1989) summarized the details of 122 people with necrophilia. They provided the most comprehensive account of what motivates people to show an erotic preference for dead people:

68% said it was about possessing someone who couldn’t resist or reject them

21% wanted to continue a relationship with a romantic partner (why should death get in the way?)

15% were sexually attracted to corpses

15% spent time with them to ward off the pain of being isolated and lonely

12% sought self-esteem and power

Right in front of me are other intriguing statistics such as their most common sexual acts and fantasies. I suspect that some readers would be repulsed and blame me for sharing them. I suspect that some readers would thank me for providing mesmerizing cocktail party conversation. Diverse interests and reactions is part of what makes socializing so much fun. Unless of course we let that desire for safety, security, and control take full reign…

Think about it. Someone actually does this in your city and if you find out, you are going to turn to a television reporter and say, "But they're an outstanding member of the community. They're the first one to plow the snow on the sidewalk. I don't believe it." Definitely do not share these statistics with anyone. Talk about the latest baseball player to be caught with steroids, talk about today's pollen count, talk about the Jane's Addiction reunion tour, anything but this...

I do want to be clear that by writing about these behaviors, I am not condoning them. Consider me nothing more than a purveyor of information that is likely to make you feel something whether it’s intrigue, disgust, empathy, anger, excitement, or something else. With this in mind, if you want, read on.

Just remember that 8 chapters of my book have absolutely nothing to do with the dark side of humanity. Devoting at least a single chapter to this topic is intellectually honest. Any strength can become a liability in the extreme, in the wrong person, or in the wrong situation. Being attentive, engaged, open, receptive, and curious is no different.

Details about my new book, Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life, can be found at www.toddkashdan.com

Curiosity and the Chrysanthemum: Defuse Conflicts, Become a Masterful Negotiator, and Relish the Beauty of Change

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:25:14 +0000

The rules are simple: don't talk about politics, religion, sex, certainly not masturbation, and definitely don't question how someone parents their children. After all, what are you going to do if the person you're talking to is unwilling to appreciate your point of view? Can you handle a violent argument or an exhausting bout of strained silence? Out of fear, people hide from a number of important issues and a lot of relationships never build the strength to tolerate the intense emotions that arise during disagreements. As a clinical psychologist, I can tell you that handling conflict is essential to our well-being, healthy relationships, healthy workplaces, and healthy communities.

The truth is conflicts are inevitable. Human beings were never designed to live in the densely packed settings of modern society. With so many people in our personal space, so many emotions to read from so many faces, disagreements and arguments are unavoidable. It could be a romantic couple bickering on a regular basis about how to discipline their children. It could be a financially unstable business trying to negotiate a purchase with a stubborn buyer. It could be two nations that are inches away from war. Usually there is some value in negotiating some common ground to prevent conflicts from escalating into violent endings.

Researchers at Stanford University tested a simple idea for how to create successful outcomes during tense negotiations or conflicts. The reason that arguments can quickly turn ugly is that people don't feel as if they're being understood. Thus, make sure that each party feels as if they are being carefully listened to.

If people show that they are curious and willing to learn more about someone else's opposing view, this might be the key to diplomacy. That is, ask a single clarifying question about what another person's view is about. That's it. One question with a few important guidelines:

1. All you are doing is gathering information.
2. Be willing to suspend your biases and passionate beliefs-anticipate being challenged to defuse any defensive reactions on your part.
3. There is no commitment that you are going to alter or change your position based on what you learn.

Think of it as making an assessment of what the other person is thinking instead of judging them. Don't get me wrong, this is a hard mindset to be in. But what happens when we are genuinely curious about someone that holds a point-of-view that diverges from our own? By merely asking for a single bit of information, the other person views us as more open-minded and warm ("I appreciate you taking the time to actually hear me out"). They view us as different from the typical person with a belief system that differs from their own ("You know, it's refreshing to hear someone who is an atheist listen to what someone with faith actually has to say"). The other person feels as if we are paying attention and they don't just feel good, they view us as a good person. That curiosity, that open-mindedness, ends up being contagious. When you show curiosity in what they care about, they show a greater willingness to gather additional information from you. In the end, they are more willing to negotiate and come to a compromise that benefits everyone.

My favorite study asked participants to view a video of someone holding a view completely counter to their own belief system. Feminists vs. fans of pornography. Vegans vs. carnivores. Half of the participants were asked to prepare comments for the speaker. The other half were asked to prepare a single question showcasing their natural curiosity about the speaker's point of view ("Can you explain to me why the benefits of banning pornography outweigh the costs?"). What scientists found was that compared with people preparing comments, people armed with a single question viewed the message on the video as more intelligent and reasonable, viewed the speaker as more open-minded, and most promising, were more interested in meeting and getting to know the speaker in the future.

So what's the take-home message from this research? If we prepare people to be more curious before they hear messages, they are more receptive to what is being shared even if it clashes with their own worldviews. Consider the real-world implications. Think about the difficulty of creating peace between warring couples, corporations, and countries. Think about the government's attempts to sell controversial ideas about how to fix the economy. When we train ourselves to be curious ahead of time, when we prepare questions that don't smell of judgment and criticism, we open the doors to achieving the greatest possible outcomes in emotionally charged situations. Curiosity offers a back-door route to managing anxiety, conflict, and the uncertainty and ambiguity that colors most of our social world.

You should be skeptical. It sounds too good to be true. Come on now, one single question and people are going to compromise, appreciate each other, and sing "we are the world" together? Let me respond. First, what I am describing was tested using rigorous scientific methods so we can be much more confident than if someone gave you their opinion or relied on their intuition (which characterizes most books on happiness and meaning in life). Science is quality control. My entire book is informed by the latest scientific discoveries. From this research, I will provide you with a wide range of strategies for improving the quality of your own life and the lives of those around you. Second, we often believe that complex problems require complex solutions. Sometimes the simplest ideas are overlooked because they seem obvious and thus, impotent. Each of us is familiar with being curious but we differ on how often, how intensely, and how easily we enter this mindset. This book is about reclaiming this neglected, underappreciated strength. It's about learning how to actively wield this strength instead of passively waiting to bump into opportunities. Being curious on a regular basis takes practice because it requires us to alter our natural tendency to judge, categorize, and attempt to reach closure so that we feel confident, secure, and in control.

Dealing with conflicts in a successful manner only scratches the surface of the benefits of becoming a curious explorer. Read the book for much more (available for pre-order). Read a recent book review of an advanced copy.

Oh, in case you were wondering, that pumpkin is exactly what I envisioned to accompany this article.

Only serial killers deserve to eat lobster

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 17:19:23 +0000

As a parent of twin two-year olds, I rarely get to eat at restaurants. Let me correct that statement. I miss dining at restaurants where I am greeted by someone other than a grown adult dressed like a rodent or a 15-year old handing out balloons. Thus, when I dine, I feast. There is no guilt when I choose the most expensive entrée on the menu. This usually means that I'm ordering lobster. The crème de le crème. Ambrosia of the sea.

I'm on a budget so for me, lobster is a treat. People that eat lobster regularly are different from most of us. Members of posh country clubs. Parents that name their kids Muffy or Biff. But what is it about lobster that makes it so damn expensive? Don't get me wrong, a soft, buttery lobster tail is downright delicious. But why is lobster given such exalted status?

You might be surprised to know that it wasn't always this way. When Europeans settled in New England in the 1600's lobster was only eaten by the poor and helpless. In some colonies, there was even a rule that prisoners could only be fed lobsters once per week. Anything more was considered "cruel and unusual punishment." I'm serious. The ocean shores of Massachusetts were littered with lobsters. Anybody could run down to the shore and grab one. Richer colonists didn't want to eat like the minions, they wanted something rare and difficult to find. Lobsters were cheap. People who ate lobsters were cheap. I envision the downtrodden at that time. Lying in the gutter, a drunken man in tattered clothes slowly clenches his dirty fingers around a lobster tail. Cringing with disgust, he bites down. As if things weren't bad enough, this crustacean was all he could find to eat. If only there was a more satisfying meal such as a can of spam or sardines...

So what changed? After all, lobsters are lobsters. What changed was people's perspective. As lobsters became scarce, people began to view them as more valuable. Only the mightiest, richest people were eating lobster. Everybody wanted to be like them and lobster was in style.

But this isn't just about lobsters. It's about how things change depending on our perspective. For instance, we often equate intelligence with getting good grades and doing well on national achievement tests. Well, what about the illiterate 8-year boy in Brazil who runs a jewelry store, handling money transactions and complex negotiations on a daily basis? How can anyone say he's less intelligent? It depends on the context.

Then there is the manager of a textile factory searching for new employees to cut fabrics into curtains by hand or machine. Two people apply for the job with the same skills and qualifications. Now one of them happens to be deaf. Who should they hire? Forget morality, forget affirmative action, who should they hire? If what the manager is interested in is someone who can sit for hours at a time at a machine without being distracted by other people, wouldn't the applicant who is deaf be at an advantage? In this situation, their disability becomes an advantage. In a similar vein, if I was playing pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, it would make more sense to choose blind people to be on my team than sighted people. In certain situations, strengths become weaknesses and weaknesses become strengths. But if we're narrowly focused, if we are rigid in our thinking, we forget to pay attention to the broader picture.

When we are open and curious, we recognize that situations are rarely black-and-white and we are better equipped to handle the uncertain, ambiguous, gray zone between. If we rely on categories, labels, rules, and what other people say and do, we will miss out on the rich, complexity of life. We will make less optimal decisions. We will be less creative, less productive, and feel less autonomous.

Who says lobster is the best dish on the menu? Why should I listen to them? Peel back the curtains of why things are the way they are. When we do, we increase our flexibility and in turn, our opportunities for pleasure and meaning. Sometimes we prefer a corn dog, sometimes we crave lobster. Who cares about what society values, it's arbitrary. Being curious liberates us.

NOTE: For daily details on the science of happiness, meaning in life, and other elements of a well-lived life, follow me on twitter.

For a good afterlife, you need sexual experiences with a variety of partners. Seriously.

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 23:29:37 +0000

A number of so-called experts, best-selling authors, and speakers charging an insane amount of money for seminars are talking about what happens when we die. Maybe you heard some of these ideas.

There is a bright white light at the end of a tunnel that embraces you in a warm, loving cocoon. The best massage you ever had with the one exception that the light refuses to let you put your clothes back on, pay, and go home.

Then there's Karma. Your actions in this life predetermine what happens in the next life. So be generous, honest, and compassionate. Charles Manson's best hope is to return as a dung beetle [insert cackling laugh and slow wringing of hands]. I imagine Martin Luther King returning as a starburst of sapphire blue petals, a Chrysthanemum growing at the ground zero site in NYC. Keep in mind that this circle of rebirth is never-ending; so pause and wonder what you did in your last life to deserve this one. (and listen to Karma Police by Radiohead).

But forget everything you've heard. I am going to give you the truth about the afterlife. Pay attention because there are things you can do now to make the next life more comfortable and it has little to do with being a good, moral person.

After dying, you will end up outdoors, at a dining room table. Seated is every single one of your ancestors (back to the primordial ooze). They haven't eaten since the last person joined them and as you might suspect, they are ravenous and irritable. Forget the pleasantries, they beg you to get them food. Everyone notices your bewildered look. To help, somebody points to a few large trees with fruit hanging from upper level branches. There is no way for you or anyone else to reach them. After your growing frustration becomes apparent, another family member explains the situation. It ends up that you didn't arrive alone. On the ground is a satchel. Depending on what sort of sexual escapades you had during your brief time on earth, inside the satchel is a collection of penises, vaginas, or both. This is the kicker. The amount of genitalia in your satchel relates to how many people you slept with in your lifetime. Your job is to reach into that satchel and sling those penises and vaginas at the fruit in the tree. Whatever you knock down is what your family gets to eat. If you decided to be celibate, expect an angry mob. If you were, shall we say, generous with your body, your dead ancestors are going to feast like royalty and love you even more in the process.

If you think I'm making this up, you overestimate my imagination. This is straight from Mayan lore. The elders transcribed information straight from the Gods, wrote it down, and so it is written in their ancient texts.

All three of these accounts of the afterlife sound good. I certainly could use that white soothing light after decades of dealing with the stress and hassles of balancing work and family. Life is hard, I want the light. As for Karma, what a great motivation to be an outstanding citizen! And who wouldn't be pissed if serial killers and rapists get the same benefits as the rest of us in the next world. As for the Mayans, this is a fantasy come true. Perhaps you can convince your romantic partner that it's absolutely essential that you sleep with more people because you care. It would be incredibly selfish to be monogamous and let your great-great-grandparents go hungry.

But why should you believe in any particular notion of what happens after dying? If you haven't seen it, and the storytellers haven't seen it, then we don't know if it's true. If you scoff at these Mayan ideas then the next logical question is why you are skeptical of this interpretation of the afterlife and not your own pet beliefs?

Speaking for myself, I usually ask a lot of questions. Not because I think anyone's ideas of the afterlife are wrong but because I am truly interested in why people believe the things they do. How do people choose between competing ideas of what happens when our life ends? Unfortunately, people rarely like skeptics when it comes to matters of faith. In fact, this is such a hot-button issue that I was hesitant to even write this column.

What exactly does "faith" mean? Isn't it unusual to believe in something that there's no proof of? How is this a virtue? What is the distinction between acceptable and unacceptable faith? Loved ones who die are watching over us. You can talk to the dead and they can talk back, in what I presume are really stimulating conversations. Extraterrestrials have been visiting our planet for years, with a weird interest in probing anuses and planting mind tracking devices without any discernible trace. (is it a coincidence that most victims are tired truck drivers on desolate roads in the middle of the night?) I could go on but I don't want to come across as controversial. I am seriously interested in beliefs, values, and sources of meaning.

Beliefs that we accept without a single shred of evidence of truth must offer something. Soothing feelings. Purpose. Focusing on, and being part of something, that is bigger than us. Strong social relationships by binding together with others with similar beliefs and values. There is always a motive behind our movements. It would be great to bring these motives under the microscope to better understand why we do the things we do. Such insight can help us find a greater number of opportunities to satisfy our needs.

Perhaps everything I am writing about is irrelevant if people do no harm to other people. Perhaps there is an opportunity cost. When we spend our time and energy believing in something, there is something else we don't devote ourselves to. Who knows what opportunities are missed.

Perhaps the most egregious error is to never ask any questions and never put any thought into what happens when our life ends. I know of no poll that has been conducted on the topic but I suspect that a greater number of people spend more time in a given year thinking about whether to upgrade to a high-definition plasma TV or a better car than asking questions about their faith. Why these beliefs and not others? Why should I believe one expert and not another?

It's complicated. No one really knows and why should we trust any other flesh-and-blood human being who says they know the answers to life, death, and everything in between? Is is wrong to be skeptical? For me, it's more inconsiderate to be disinterested enough to withhold questions. Question yourself. Question authority. Question everything.

Who was that other guy who discovered evolution? A few extra things to remember and celebrate as Darwin turns 200

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 05:42:53 +0000

Just to be clear from the onset, I must confess a preference for underdogs. I love to watch nervous audience members stump distinguished scientists with tough questions. When I watch the Olympics, I secretly root for discus throwers from Lithuania and tennis players from Togo. Thus, on this special day, an incredibly special day, this celebration of Darwin's 200th birthday, I am reminded of the forgotten.

Let us pity the young, white, and well-behaved Alfred Russell Wallace. Science is a brutally competitive arena of politics and egos. But not little Alfred. He was in awe of Darwin's wide range of knowledge. After all, in the mid-1800's, following his magic carpet ride on the Beagle, Darwin was king of the red carpet. He was writing about the volcanoes of Tahiti, forests of Tierra del Fuego, and iguanas of the Galapagos Islands (the Bo Jackson of the intellectual elite). With such deep wisdom, Alfred didn't hesitate to send Darwin a manuscript in the hope, just the hope, that he might be given feedback on his blasphemous idea. It was heresy to suggest that something other than God was responsible for life and death and in a nutshell, Alfred told Darwin that environmental stress might explain why some insect and animal species outlive others. Darwin was petrified (maybe?). Alfred had stumbled upon the same ideas that Darwin had been scribbling away at for nearly 20 years. To avoid being scooped, exactly one year after this correspondence, Darwin wrote the book that would change the world. The awkwardly titled, On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favored Races in the Struggle for Life. Now other people had written about evolution but what nobody seemed to grasp was how evolution worked. Darwin nailed it. Then again, so did Alfred.

Darwin always, always recognized Alfred's work but Darwin's friends were powerful and they made sure credit was given to him. Him alone. Over time, history kept this nice, simple storyline about one man and his idea. History mirrors our own desire to keep things nice and simple. Often too simple. Just the same, history mirrors our own preference for the status quo (when we're part of the powerful majority). Thus, like many others before and after, Alfred tends to be forgotten. But more than Alfred's byline in history, an important lesson was lost: great ideas require the collaboration of great minds. Darwin needed Alfred. Alfred inspired Darwin, because if two people independently arrived at this idea, maybe it wasn't so crazy after all. In a weird way, Alfred provided the support that Darwin needed for his explorations into forbidden territory.

Each of us needs to surround ourselves with people who support, rather than hinder or belittle, our passionate pursuits. On this day, I celebrate a simple, modest idea of how one species changes into another, eradicating the need for superstition and magical explanation. I celebrate the need for curiosity and the willingness to explore new, uncertain terrain. Without these enduring strengths, we might survive, but we won't evolve. I celebrate Darwin. Finally, I celebrate Alfred Russell Wallace and the often forgotten teammates that play a role in discoveries, big and small, throughout history. Sometimes simplicity and certainty should take a backseat to the full story. Only with the details, can we replicate such great feats in our own lives.