Curious?

Can Two Tylenol a Day Keep Rejection and Heartbreak Away?

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 16:59:43 +0000

Did you know there is only one single characteristic that separates extremely happy people from "merely" happy people? They aren't more grateful, kind, or compassionate. They aren't more energized when they wake up in the morning (drinking the same amount of coffee as the rest of us). Rather, they possess an abundance of significant, meaningful, lasting relationships. That is, there are people they can confide in, call on during difficult times, and share joyous events that have absolutely nothing to do with them. Human beings depend on other people for their well-being and survival. We might even say that human beings have a basic "need to belong." For this reason, it makes sense that being rejected by other people might be as painful as physical injuries.

Across multiple languages and cultures, people use injury-related terms such as hurt, heartbreak, and "emotional pain" to describe what it feels like to be rejected by other people. The notion of being hurt by other people might appear to be nothing more than a metaphor. But getting your feelings hurt actually hurts. Researchers discovered this after scanning people's brains while playing videogames. On the computer, they tossed around a ball with two other people who supposedly logged on from another part of the world. In reality, the program was rigged so that people were heavily involved (getting the ball for half the throws) or excluded (getting the ball less than a handful of times over 5 minutes). The results were astounding. Here you have people playing a game with a ball that didn't actually exist with a group of people whom they didn't know and never expected to meet, and they really cared about the extent they were included. After the game was over, those who were excluded witnessed a plummet in their self-esteem and they viewed their life as less satisfying and meaningful. I can't stress enough, all that happened was that they didn't get the ball thrown to them as often as they liked. Clearly, little is necessary to make us feel rejected and devalued as a person. We simply cannot underestimate the power of feeling cared for, valued, and connected to other people.

But let's up the ante. What if you openly despised the people who played catch with you in a videogame? Jews being told the other players thought the holocaust was a hoax, Black people told the other players were members of the KKK, and Christian fundamentalists told the other players were atheists. In this situation, who would possibly care about getting the ball? The ball might even be viewed as contaminated after touching the mitts of these rival group members. Guess what? It didn't matter. Failing to get the ball thrown to you, even by people you despise, still led to anxious, depressed, and lonely feelings. And in these studies, when ostracized, the parts of the brain that lit up happened to be the same brain regions that light up when you get a migraine or slice through fleshy fingers while cutting bagels. What this means is that overlap exists between the brain systems that control physical and social pain!

Now, if emotional pain is processed in the same way as physical pain, then perhaps the same strategies to diminish physical pain might be equally effective when we feel excluded, rejected, or ostracized. Think analgesic drugs. Think Tylenol or Excedrin (actually, the active ingredient called acetaminophen). To test this idea, a few of my colleagues randomly assigned people to take a dose of acetaminophen or a placebo each day for 3 weeks and provide daily reports on what happened to them and what they felt. By day 15, those taking acetaminophen reported feeling less painful reactions to being rejected on a daily basis than those taking placebo. The ability of acetaminophen to ease hurt feelings, enhance self-esteem, and reduce anxiety, sadness, and hostility grew stronger each day until the end of the study. Mad science at its best.

An inexpensive, safe method for soothing the daily emotional pain of our uncertain, unpredictable, ambiguous social world. Swallow two Tylenol, get rejected, and keep on ticking...

Life is an experiment, try it out and let me know how it goes....

***Want to learn about these and other strategies for managing the anxiety and pain of pursuing the good life? Some will surprise you. Contact me for more information.

Dr. Todd B. Kashdan is a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at George Mason University. He is the author of Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life. For more about his books, research, and services- www.toddkashdan.com

State of the Union, Haiti, Prison Rape, and More

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 01:17:49 +0000

In the next few days, expect a heap of news articles and talking heads blathering about the State of the Union. What's fascinating is how so many people interpret the same event differently (each through his or her own prism of values and beliefs). It's one of the benefits of living in a democracy. Some people never really listened to the State of the Union. Before Obama said a single word, their reactions were pre-determined by assumptions, their favorite media pundits and personal biases about the Democratic Party. This is one of the costs of living in a culture where few people are trained in mindfulness and critical thinking.

What if we could be guided instead of governed by our brains? What if we could be open and receptive as we listen to people with views that differ from our own? What if we decided to think for ourselves instead of falling prey to political party allegiances? What if our leaders and elected officials could do the same?

For a few minutes, let me ask for your open, receptive attitude. There are a number of major issues facing the world right now, and too many people are reacting with automatic, reflexive political views. When did our society start assuming that our leaders would solve all of our woes in one year or less? When did our society start assuming that our leaders can do everything on their own, against any obstacle? There are no easy answers to complex problems and sometimes we have to tolerate some discomfort in the short term until solutions unfold. In a climate where the answers to most questions are a mouse-click away, I think we often forget that sometimes solutions take time. How long does it take to deal with an economic recession? Who the %$#@ knows? How long does it take to end a war and stabilize a country such as Iraq or Afghanistan? Who the %$#@ knows? I do know that everyone on the opposing side of the political party in power has an answer, but that doesn't mean they know. If there is one thing that social scientists have discovered, its that human beings are horrible at making accurate assessments about themselves, other people and the future. Knowledge of these flawed assessments is a starting point. Working together with people with diverging perspectives is another starting point. Increasing mindful thinking is another starting point.

With this in mind, I thought we would play a game of "would you rather..." Essentially, I am going to pit ideas against each other to see what you would do. There are no right or wrong answers. The goal is to discover what matters to us. The goal is to explore the motives behind our movements. The goal is increase tolerance of complex, ambiguous situations.

Would you rather give money to Haiti or the rebuilding efforts in Indonesia (after the 2004 tsunami)? Despite 35,000 deaths, the displacement of over 1,000,000 people, the destruction of over 100,0000 houses, and astounding joblessness, homelessness and crime rates, it appears that the world has moved on from Indonesia to the next disaster. Assistance, financial or otherwise, has dried up. If history tells us anything, the same will happen with Haiti. This is a recipe for failure. Short-term sutures are insufficient to aid people and countries in need. Perhaps we can learn something from what happened when we helped Afghanistan fend off a Soviet invasion but failed to stick around and devote resources for building communities, educating youth and thereby creating long-term allies.

Would you rather use your time and money to prevent the human rights violations in Darfur or the rape of children behind prison walls in the United States? I am sure everyone wants to say both. The reason for the forced choice is that people are mobilized for the former with bumper stickers and T-shirts to boot but nobody seems to be paying attention to what is going on in our backyard: Approximately 12.5% of kids in prison are being sexually assaulted whether it is by fellow prisoners or staff. Most of the victims are in prison for nonviolent crimes such as arson and theft. Is there a reason for this political activism blind spot? When it comes to children being violated, there should never be a blind spot.

Would you rather protest abortions outside of hospitals and Planned Parenthood Centers on a daily basis or adopt a child from a parent who couldn't afford to raise the child and was compelled to put him or her into an orphanage? If you are adamant that women should not have control over their own bodies, if you believe that this is not a personal, profoundly difficult decision, then please consider how you want to respond to the problem. One option is to attack women who are emotionally vulnerable and try to force them to abide by your values and decision rules (particularly interesting when most of the politicians and corporate entities with the strongest views happen to be men). Another option is to help deal with children outside of the womb without primary caregivers, rotting away in orphanages without sufficient love and affection. If you believe every mother should bring their fetus to term regardless of the circumstances surrounding the situation (their pregnancy is the result of a brutal rape, their own survival is unlikely), then are you prepared to care for that baby? Guess what? There are mothers with the same views who died in childbirth. In the absence of friends and family, there are babies who are alive without caregivers. If you are against abortion, are you ready to step in?

Which brings me to the State of the Union.

If you are not a fan of Obama or the Democratic Party, when he brings up plans to give health care to children living in poverty, when he brings up plans to start treating gay people like equal citizens, would you rather nod your head in agreement or hope that he fails?

Choose mindfulness, compassion, critical thinking, problem-solving, and an openness to perspectives that differ from your own. And take action instead of passively waiting for a savior to do it for you.

A Secret to Happiness? Discovering the Pleasures of Uncertainty

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 15:53:37 +0000

Being on a national radio show is often a painful experience. Sometimes you simply lack chemistry with the host (and unlike a party there is no alcohol, and nowhere to hide). They take long, deep breaths directly into the microphone, allowing you intimate knowledge of the saliva in their throat. They ask inane questions, "so you're a twin and you have twins, is that weird for you?" They toss around bewildering phrases such as "spiritual transgressions" and "metaphysical escapes" that bring conversations to a standstill. They grab pockets of time to think of their next comment by inserting low, guttural, orgasmic sounds. After a six minute show devoted to "happiness in the recession," I finally understood why people become hermits.

It started innocently enough. She asked me about my book and why anyone listening should care about curiosity when everyone else is talking about happiness, love, exercise, and dieting. I explained that whatever we pay attention to becomes our identity, our reality. Being aware, open, and curious--this is our most valuable currency. We can learn to spend this currency wisely. We can discover strengths in our arsenal that for some reason, are not been used. We can experiment with ways to put these strengths into use more regularly and in turn, feel more energized and alive. We can discover our values and interests by devoting time to introspection. We can create goals aligned with our deepest values and interests and commit effort each day to make progress toward them. By being aware and curious in what we do and who we're with, we are liable to catch happiness along the way. This was the gist of my comments on the radio show. Keep in mind that I had about 30 seconds to make my point before a Herbie Hancock song loomed louder and louder in the background, taking us into a commercial break.

After the break, the host turned into a cynical foe. She told me that curiosity seems tedious and commonplace. It lacks "spirit and soul." For her, being good enough to gain access to heaven is the meaning of life. Enter heaven and you get easy access to the mysteries of the universe. Everything that she ever wondered about will be resolved. Every creation and innovation will be at her disposal. Considering the enthusiasm, I was half expecting her to swallow a cyanide cocktail to expedite the process.

I thought about her notion of life and the afterlife for a long moment before responding, "don't take this the wrong way, but it doesn't sound so great to me." Who wants all the answers? Who wants effortless moments? Who wants to be given the warm, humble feeling atop Mount Kilimanjaro without the climb? Who wants great poetry to be implanted instead of delicately absorbed? Who wants to forgo the surprising smell of honeysuckle during a mid-day bike ride?

Not me.

It reminded me of a great Twilight Zone episode. Excuse me if I recall it from memory, instead of turning to a website to get the title and exact details. Right from the start, a powerful mob boss dies. When he wakes up, he finds himself surrounded by everything he loves. Beautiful broads surround him. In fact, every time he approaches a beautiful lady, she succumbs to his charms. Easy enough, he has an impressive sex life. Then there are pool halls and poker games welcoming him on every street corner. Each time he takes the opening break shot, balls drive straight into the four pockets as the table clears. Each time he is dealt a hand of cards, he gets a royal straight flush. And life is good. He has women, he has money, he has luck, he has control, he has everything. And then time goes on. The mob boss turns to the strange man next to him, "man, nobody every told me that heaven could be such a tiresome, weary place." The strange man slowly turns his head, "who said you were in heaven?"

For 2010 and beyond, my hope is that people resist the seduction of certainty. Hold onto ideas gently, be willing to absorb new perspectives, always remember how much you don't know, keep chiseling away at important questions, and challenge yourself and other people. Don't be complacent about what you know. Learning how to tolerate uncertainty might be one of the greatest gifts we give to ourselves and those around us.

Dr. Todd B. Kashdan is a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at George Mason University. He is the author of Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life. For more about his books and research, go to www.toddkashdan.com

What Maids Teach Us About Physical Health and Life Longevity: A Lesson in Mindfulness

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 15:20:38 +0000

I have no idea what the politically correct term is for women who clean hotel rooms. Maid? Chambermaid? Housekeeper? Female room attendant? Hoover lady? If I offend anyone, my apologies for failing to master the appropriate terminology. But everything else is true and rather inoffensive. In this brief post, you will learn a single secret to physical fitness and mental health that might translate into longer, better living.

Hotel maids are notorious for waking up at ridiculously early hours to start working. They also are confronted with unwanted flesh at surprising intervals and in surprising situations. There's the man who refuses to make a peep while sitting on the toilet until spotted. There's the man who opens the front door with swinging genitalia lacking a single synaptic connection to the idea of covering up. There's the guest's drunken friend who rests peacefully face to the ground, ass in the air, burrowed behind the curtains. I'm not being sexist. Ninety-seven out of 100 encounters, the naked being will be male. But I digress.

Hotel maids are stressed out and thus, have little time for a formal workout. If you don't believe me, go ask a hotel maid how often they go the gym or jog in the park. They certainly do enough bending, lifting, climbing, and moving to burn off calories. Which begs the question -- what if maids were made mindfully aware and open to the idea that a fitness routine is embedded into their job? Could changing their mindset lead to actual changes in their physical and mental health? A few researchers sought to find out.

As the most minimal of interventions, one group of hotel maids were informed about the importance of daily exercise and how their regimen of climbing stairs, vacuuming, cleaning linen, and scrubbing tables and tubs affects their body. They were given exact details, for example, a 140-pound women burns 50 calories after vacuuming for 15 minutes. They were told that their typical workday far exceeds the exercise recommendations of the Surgeon General. A second group of hotel maids were given the same information about the benefits of exercise but weren't told anything about how their work effort is in fact, exercise. With this comparison group, the researchers could determine whether there was some unique benefit to being mindful about what constitutes exercise.

So what happened when these maids were tracked down a month later? After only four weeks of learning that work might serve as exercise, the maids lost an average of two pounds, lowered their blood pressure by an average of 10 points, and trimmed their body fit even though they didn't change their diet or add any exercise to their routine. The only thing that changed was that how they attended to their physical exertion at work. That's it! As for the comparison group, they basically remained in the same shape as when they started.

Yet another testament to how our mindset can alter our bodies. We can't always feel good but we can almost always be profoundly aware and open to what we do. Being fully alive during these moments are the building blocks to a life well lived.

Here's a question that we should all be asking -- what do I fail to notice in my daily routine that's important to my physical, mental, and social well-being? And tell your hotel maid how muscular her arms are looking so she can live a long, healthy life...

***Business and marketing guru Seth Godin writes that curiosity is the secret to creativity. Gretchen Rubin, best-selling author of The Happiness Project, mentions that while we try to desperately seek control in our lives it is novelty and challenge that makes us happy. Want to learn the science behind these insights? Want concrete ideas for how to use this science to enhance your life, the lives of others, or your business? Pick up Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life

Dr. Todd B. Kashdan is a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at George Mason University. For more about Curious? and his other books and research, go to www.toddkashdan.com

When is Chiropractic Care a Scam? What About Reflexology? Magnetic Therapy?

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 14:05:53 +0000

I was a horrible football player in high school. Terrified of losing my expensive non-disposable contact lenses, I made the unwise decision to remove them before walking onto the field. As you might expect, I was often crushed to the ground without even seeing who hit me. Friends and family in the stands witnessed brutal breaks in my shoulder and torn ligaments in my neck. When my pain tolerance wore thin and I relented to surgery, the next several months were spent with an arm wed to my torso under plaster. When the cast was removed, besides physical therapy, I saw a chiropractor. And it seemed to work. The pain disappeared, my shoulder and neck felt supple, and so I continued going to chiropractors for years.

Impatient to become bigger, stronger, and faster, I never let my body heal on its own terms. When I finally did, I realized that I felt better without my trusty chiropractor.

Why do I share this story? Because when someone is in chronic pain, unable to function, they are susceptible to charismatic people who claim to have the answers. Skepticism disappears. Consumers aren't to blame. This is an age of unprecedented information overload. Who has the time to read the science on whether chiropractic care works? Chiropractic care must be effective. After all, why would health insurance companies pay for visits? I mean, if someone suffers from crippling depression, their insurance only pays for 10-15 visits to a therapist (even though most treatments require at least 3 months to be effective!).

Despite my narrow focus on chiropractic care, I could just as easily be talking about other alternative approaches such as reflexology (the unproven idea that there are connections between the foot and nearly every organ in the body and applying pressure to the right spots on the foot can alleviate ailments and even diseases).

As a clinical psychologist and scientist, I wanted to share three red flags that an intervention is likely to be a scam or sham on the horizon:

1. Jargon. If a practitioner knows what that they are doing, they should be able to explain why their services are needed and how they work so that an 11-year old can understand. Don't ever blame yourself if you are confused by wacky terms, practitioners should be able to describe your problem and their plan in everyday language. If your chiropractor tells you that subluxations of the bones and joints (misalignments) are responsible for an illness or disease, don't be content with this gobbledygook. I kid you not, this is the exact same thing that Daniel D. Palmer, the founder of chiropractic care, wrote about in 1895! Palmer thought that subluxations were the cause of nearly every problem suffered by humankind. Haven't we learned a few things about the human body in the past 115 years? After all, in 1895, scientists had just learned that little microbes called germs can cause disease and perhaps its a good idea if surgeons wash their hands before reaching inside your body cavity.

Moving beyond chiropractors, there are proponents of magnetic therapy who claim that wearing their brand of necklace or bracelet will change the body's magnetic field, aligning or changing electrons, which in turn stimulates healing. Sounds really interesting until you ask how this magnetic field works. How do little trinkets know exactly which electrons and body parts need to be changed and which to leave alone? And how did this magnetic field get out of whack in the first place to lead to health conditions such as headaches, sinus problems, arthritis, insomnia, and cancer and heart disease? All of which are supposedly healed by magnetic therapies (a multi-billion dollar industry)!

2. Evidence. Following the mantra of Carl Sagan, "extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence." But let's be generous, how about evidence showing that a group of people receiving alternative medicine fare better than people who exercise regularly, sleep well, and eat healthy over a 6-month period?

Gushy testimonials are not enough. What do you think happens after a reflexologist gives you an intense foot massage or a chiropractor stretches the joints and tissues that join vertebrae to one another? You're going to feel real good, much better than when you came in. And you are going to attribute this relief, this feeling of hope, to chiropratic care or reflexology. And in a few days when you return to how poorly you felt before, you are going to schedule another appointment.

On top of this, we often attempt to justify the time, effort, and money devoted to therapy by saying that it's helpful. These reactions are often automatic. That is, we don't deceive ourselves on purpose, it happens outside of conscious awareness. Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance. Before your first ever visit to a chiropractor, you might be 60% confident that it's going to help. Asked again after spending hundreds of dollars on dozens of visits, you are likely to be 70, 80, even 100% certain that the treatment is working. There are hundreds of studies to document this process. Our knowledge about ourselves is more flawed than we think. This is just one of many reasons why anecdotes do not quality as acceptable evidence that medicine works.

Ask your practitioner for stronger evidence. Ask about published research. Ask for details about the research such as what other possible explanations could exist for why people ended up better after treatment. You want to know if their treatment is better than waiting and letting the body heal on its own. You want to know if their treatment better than exercise. You want to know if their treatment is better than taking pain relievers. You want to know what exactly is going to be changed that is relevant to the problem being treated. And while you're asking questions, carefully observe your therapist. Look for signs of resistance, look for signs that they're comfortable (vs. being pissed off) with your curiosity, and look for signs that they are more interested in your health instead of selling their wares. Any good therapist should welcome an engaged, skeptical consumer walking through their doors...unless they have something to hide or something to be afraid of.

3. Change should be observable and measurable. There should be some clear, objective way to know that the treatment is doing what is supposed to do. I'm not talking about feeling good after being touched in a gentle way on the feet or back. Feeling good doesn't mean a treatment works. Our feelings are affected by the weather, hormones, music, colors, and a thousand other features that have nothing to do with being treated for an ailment.

If a chiropractor says that a subluxation is the cause of your problem, then you should be able to gauge the steady, systematic decline of a subluxation. If you are taking part in magnetic therapy, you should be able to observe changes in your magnetic field and the alignment of electrons and ions. Ask your practitioner how they are going to measure what your magnetic field looks like before treatment and how they are going to notice whether there is improvement. If there is no way to tell that you improved except by what you feel then there is no evidence that their work is responsible for any gains. Can you see it on an X-ray? in a blood test? in a brain scanner? a test of flexibility, stamina, or physical strength? Do other people notice a difference (who don't know you are being treated)? You can never rely solely on anyone's so-called words of expertise. They have plenty of economic incentives to tell you that you are getting better or that you need to be patient and continue what you are doing with them to get better.

Yes, I'm concerned when people offer treatments that lack evidence. I'm concerned when people in pain or who are sick, weak, or desperate for help are preyed upon. When someone invests their limited time and money in a treatment that doesn't work, there is an opportunity cost. That is, they are being pulled away from treatments that can really help them. When this happens, everyone loses.

Here's a simple idea for health care reform, only support treatments that work. When it comes to the spinal manipulations of chiropractors, magnetic therapies, and reflexology, there is little evidence that they are effective in the treatment of any medical condition. And as for lower back pain, headaches, or neck pain, these procedures have yet to be shown to be any better or worse than any other standard intervention that consumers are confident in. This includes massages and exercise. So if you want to get rid of some pork and help prevent problems in the first place, remove chiropractic care from health care plans and support people to exercise regularly....

Dr. Todd B. Kashdan is a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at George Mason University. He is the author of Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life. For more about his books and research, go to www.toddkashdan.com

What Psychological Science Says about Obama and What Makes an Effective Leader in Trying Times

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 14:50:52 +0000

Until George Bush Jr. became president, the word "incurious" was seldom linked with American Diplomacy. From all accounts, Bush was extremely loyal to the people and groups he identified with, respectful of authority and order, and extremely committed to his values of security and tradition. Yet blatantly absent was the curiosity, the openness to change, that makes a president good.

In less than a decade, we experienced the terrorist attacks of 9/11, collapse of the subprime lending market, and the genome project where for the first time a species mapped out the recipe for creating itself. History is a sequence of novelty, surprising events, and discoveries. A leader who needs certainty and fails to be curious is at a major disadvantage. During the incurious George administration, government officials were consistently pressured to corroborate reports with the steadfast beliefs and gut feelings of Bush and his cronies. For eight long years, this presented an unsuitable climate for people to inquire, test hypotheses, consider alternatives, and interpret data before arriving at a conclusion. Bush's legacy is a lesson on the danger of power in the absence of curiosity: the international community views us as a country that imposes its will without sufficient rationale.

But that's in the past, let's move to now, right now. It's refreshing to hear Obama speak of his uncertainty about the future of the economy or foreign relations because anything less would be dishonest. For many, the image of him extending his hand to Chavez or talking with the leader of Iran is repulsive and inappropriate. At this exact moment, people from other political parties, media pundits, and even a growing section of the general public are lambasting him for being timid, for thinking instead of being rash and aggressive.

As a scientist who studies strengths of character, I view these events differently. He is exercising the least common strength in the United States, self-control, along with one of the most common strengths, curiosity. He is assessing instead of trying to dominate the situation. He recognizes that a strong stance would curry favor of people who crave an immediate resolution but history says that it might backfire. Governments such as Iran control information. Interventions by foreigners are used as pre-packaged propaganda. When foreigners are blamed it's easy to escalate the violence and destruction. When it appears that he is not acting, Obama is acting. Obama is letting things unfold and patiently waiting for the right opening so that this crisis is handled effectively. By exercising his self-control and curiosity, Obama gains new perspectives to make informed judgments instead of premature commitments to temporary solutions that might be ill-informed in the long run. This level of willpower is far too rare in an era of impatience and immediacy. Because soon the cameras will stop rolling as the media moves on to the next international crisis. When Obama shows a combination of openness and restraint, the international community in turn, shows a readiness to meet him and improve existing relationships. This approach requires someone to always be thinking two to three moves ahead on the chess board.

This is how to lead in an evolving world. Be wary of so-called experts who approach new problems with the old tools of past solutions. When we carefully observe other people and situations with an open, receptive attitude, our attention is broadened, we draw a greater number of connections between ideas, resulting in flexible and creative thinking. As if this weren't enough, when we are open-minded, negative emotions fail to linger or derail us from making progress toward our goals.

If you want to diffuse conflicts and negotiate with seemingly hostile leaders, you don't avoid them until they agree to your demands. Instead, you take the time to be genuinely curious about their perspective. What are the values and interests that motivate them? Where is there agreement? How can areas of disagreement be recognized as opposing principles that on balance could work? The past administration assumed a firm stance that "opponents" -- especially "The Axis of Evil" -- would eventually submit to American power and perspective.

Obama has a keen curiosity about allies and opponents alike. This doesn't mean he agrees with everything they say and do. This doesn't mean he is committed to altering or changing his position based on what he learns. Instead, he gathers insights that allow him to decide on the best course of action.

Obama's approach to diplomacy is backed by laboratory research by psychologists. Ask a clarifying question about the other person's view to let them know you are listening. That's it. One question and suspend your beliefs for a short period of time so that the other person doesn't become defensive and shut down. Probe for details and you will be viewed as warm and open-minded and in turn, compromises benefiting everyone become more likely. Curiosity is contagious. Show interest in what "opponents" care about and they will do the same. The takeaway lesson is that Obama's behavior sets the stage for the win-win outcomes of a benevolent society.

Obama is surrounded by what leaders need: advisors chosen based on credentials and who are ready to dissent in the appropriate situation. To be curious in a stressful situation a person needs to harness the ability to tolerate pain and discomfort. Far too many atrocities, wars, and societal ills can often be traced to the absence of curiosity.

We need leaders who search for fresh solutions instead of recycling old ideas. We need leaders that take an interest in how to modify their behavior and feelings to match the demands of situations. When human rights are being stifled and innocent people are being killed, the world should be skeptical of everything that is being done by leaders. Knowing that real lives are on the line, I suggest that critics follow Obama's lead and check to see whether seemingly good interventions are more than pawns on the grand chessboard.

[NOTE: if you can't read the caption on the picture it says, "Always remember that fear and intimidation bring immediate results."]

Dr. Todd B. Kashdan is a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at George Mason University. He is the author of Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life. Details about his book and research can be found at www.toddkashdan.com

Follow Todd Kashdan on Twitter: www.twitter.com/toddkashdan

Beyond Jesus Christ: Another person with a really interesting death who should motive you to live better

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 19:46:57 +0000

Some people show a preference for seeking out new knowledge and experiences for their own sake. In fact, they often accept psychological, social, and even physical risks to obtain these experiences. Each of us feels this way sometimes but there are some people who show a preference to expand the boundaries of who they are, what they know, and what they do. We can call these people "curious explorers."

It requires a willingness to recognize that what we know is limited and that as soon as we think we understand something, we stop paying attention. It requires an ability to tolerate the pain, ambiguity, and confusion that arises anytime we leave our comfort zone. It requires a desire to continue growing and evolving as a person. We have to be vulnerable to explore new territory. After all, we are going to make mistakes, get hurt, and look foolish every once in awhile. Unfortunately, our society doesn't reward someone who is willing to be vulnerable. Instead our society rewards people that possess unwavering confidence, a sense of certainty, and a personality that can be easily labeled and understood. If you disagree, consider these scenarios.

Politicians who refuse to take an unambiguous stance on an issue. Genetically engineered foods, good or evil? Pick an ally, Israel or Palestine? Right now, decide the fate of women making difficult decisions around the globe, are you for or against abortion? When is the recession going to end? (and while you're at it, give us an exact date.) Anything less than certainty and everyone is aghast because leadership is about making decisions. The idea that context matters and both sides have a point is ludicrous. Keep it simple. Stick to soundbites.

College students who have yet to declare a major. This is what they often hear from parents, teachers, and peers: "what are you waiting for?" "what's wrong with you?" "you do know that you're falling behind everyone else?" and "why are you in college if you don't know what you want to do with your life?" Uncertainty is the mark of weakness. After all, what a silly notion to get an ample tasting of what different fields have to offer. What a silly notion to better understand what one is passionate about before committing to a single career for the next 60 years.

Thankfully, some curious people from the past felt compelled to share what they learned from their explorations. Sir Francis Bacon, the great British scientist, philosopher, lawyer, historian, and education reformer of the 1600's, was curiosity incarnate. Some of his most famous statements on the topic resonate 400 years later.

Sir Francis Bacon on the ability to tolerate pain, novelty, and ambiguity:

If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties.

As the births of living creatures at first are ill-shapen, so are all innovations, which are the births of time.

There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.

It is a miserable state of mind to have few things to desire and many things to fear.

A man must make his opportunity, as oft as find it.

Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.

He that will not apply new remedies must expect new evils; for time is the greatest innovator.

They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea.

Sir Francis Bacon on other people and how they help and hinder our ability to be open, curious, and flexible:

Men fear death as children fear to go in the dark; and as that natural fear in children is increased with tales, so is the other.

Man seeketh in society comfort, use, and protection.

A sudden bold and unexpected question doth many times surprise a man and lay him open.

Besides being hard working and ambitious, Bacon possessed boundless curiosity. Consider a single day of his life. In 1626, he was heading home in a carriage on a snowy evening with one of the king's physicians. Horse carriage small-talk and gossip was interrupted by an idea that Bacon couldn't shake. Looking at the snow-covered ground, Bacon wondered if a dead body could be preserved in the surrounding cold ice. Bacon had to know the answer. Not content to wait until returning home, he stopped the driver and jumped into the snow like a child let loose on a Toys R Us shopping spree. He bought a hen from a peasant woman, paid a bit extra to have it killed, and stuffed the lifeless hen with snow. Bacon, in all his wacky glory, could barely contain his enthusiasm as he shivered in the bitter wind waiting to see if there was any merit to his idea. Only when he was thoroughly chilled and his experiment was over did he continue his journey to a friend's house. Once there, he started showing signs of serious illness. Although the historical record is unclear, he contracted either bronchitis or pneumonia before this spontaneous expedition. And later that night, he died. Think about it. The guy died to satisfy his curiosity! And a pretty morbid dose of curiosity.

Here you have a moment that is both tragic and beautiful. A famous historical figure died the same way he lived. A man in love with discovering knowledge and creating meaning provides the world with a final factoid about how to preserve chicken and beef for later in the week. Which of course led to blood banks, cryogenic labs, and a slew of other advances. His story highlights the fact that curiosity is a powerful motivator for why we do the things we do. His story highlights the link between curiosity and innovation. Understanding this motivation allows us to understand human nature and our evolution as a species. Imagine what an alternative universe would look like where no creature was curious....stagnation would run rampant and tolerance and compassion for dissimilar people would come to a standstill.

There is not a shred of scientific evidence to suggest that being incurious and intolerant of uncertainty and change is the road to wellness. The unknown will always outweigh the known. Exploring new terrain can help us build pleasurable, engaging, and meaningful moments. These moments are the building blocks of a life well-lived.

Dr. Todd B. Kashdan is a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at George Mason University He is the author of Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life. Details about his book and research can be found at www.toddkashdan.com

Lessons from the Science of Well-Being for New Graduates and their Parents

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:07:34 +0000

For the past decade, I have been teaching my dream course called "The Science of Well-Being," exposing my students to what scientists have learned about happiness, positive emotions, love, creativity, forgiveness, mindfulness, curiosity, and meaning and purpose in life. This is my launching pad for dispensing advice to graduates about how to leave the sanctuary of college.

Regardless of your SAT scores, GPA, and the U.S. News & World Report ranking of your college, odds are that you are as bad as everyone else at figuring out what is going to lead to a fulfilling life. When asked, people think that novel, uncertain events will be less pleasurable than feeling absolutely certain and possessing every bit of information possible in a situation. However, scientists are finding that when events are new and uncertain our pleasure is more likely to be intense; it will linger longer and be more meaningful. What this means is that most of us are doing the exact opposite of what will bring us fulfillment.

How can you thrive in an uncertain, unpredictable, rapidly evolving world?

Explore your deepest, most central values by devoting time for introspection. Schedule this time as you would your workout sessions and doctor appointments. Imagine, for a moment, that you could wave a magic wand to ensure the approval and admiration of everyone on the planet, forever. In that case, what would you choose to do with your life? Think about your answer. Don't let the opinions and expectations of others determine the outcome of this exercise. When you are the author of your behavior and choices, you'll devote more effort, make more progress, and derive more satisfaction and meaning from your goals.

Search for lessons and inspirations in unexpected places and don't surround yourself with people who are too similar to you. Recognize that your knowledge and perspective is limited. Only through multiple perspectives can we grasp the totality of an idea or issue. Talk to strangers that look and act nothing like you. Econ majors: hang out with musicians and capture their joy in improvisation. Dancers: take a Math major to lunch and enjoy the thrill of their focused approach to problems.

Don't judge yourself harshly against people that appear more knowledgeable and successful than you. Every so-called expert was trained by what worked in the past for a future that will present new problems. Take a close look at how the wizards of Wall Street tripped over their knowledge.

Be willing to be anxious, uncomfortable, and mistake-prone because these are the natural consequences of taking on challenges. As soon as someone thinks they know what they are doing, they pull out their recipes and start applying old ideas to new situations. This often marks the end of productivity, creativity, and innovation. Proudly proclaim that you will be a lifelong learner, never an expert.

Time and energy are the most limited and valuable commodities in life. Forget about accumulating 1000 friends on Facebook. Nourish a few significant, meaningful relationships with people who will support your explorations and provide a safe haven to which you can always return. Discover your strengths and find new ways to use them; discover your passions and devote effort to them on a daily basis.

Forget about the pursuit of happiness. Create a life that matters and you might catch happiness along the way.

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoidance of danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing."
~Helen Keller~

NOTE: This was originally an op-ed at The Huffington Post by the same author and title.

Disclaimer: only read this if you are interested in mysterious, bizarre, deviant, and intriguing human behavior

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Thu, 28 May 2009 02:45:32 +0000

There’s an issue that you may have been contemplating since you started reading this blog or anything related to my book that was released last month. Depending on the particular circumstances, curiosity can be over-utilized, problematic, perverted, and an impediment to the well-being of another person and society.

I feel compelled to write a brief disclaimer before you consider reading Chapter 8. It diverges from the rest of the book. The content may be unsettling to the highly sensitive person. This is because I discuss disturbing behavior. Unlike other chapters in this book, there are few uplifting, positive stories. However, understanding the potential dark side of human nature is an intervention in itself.

All of us have inclinations that we consider acting on but decide not to for fear of harming our self, people we care about, or our position as a socially responsible member of society. There is something to be said about embracing your dark side. Discover how it is part of you without acting in ways that impinge on the welfare of other people or hinder your own lasting well-being. When the dark side beckons, we seek short-term pleasure and gratification at the expense of long-term positive feelings and meaning in life. Careful contemplation allows you to decide whether the short-term benefits outweigh long-term costs.

For most of you, the topics in Chapter 8 will be outside the scope of your personal life. That’s fine. Another goal in writing this chapter is that the dark side of curiosity is downright interesting. We are curious about the dark side of human behavior, we are curious about what our lives would be like if we acted purely on impulse, we wonder about people far removed from ourselves. (no anxiety, no empathy, no inhibitions, no control.)

If we want to fully understand curiosity, I believe we need to attend to the various manifestations, even those that cause us discomfort. We gain little by ignoring, avoiding, and hiding from uncomfortable feelings. Whether you are paying attention or not, the dark side exists. It benefits everyone to acknowledge when strengths go awry. It helps to know about the “banality of evil.”

For instance, consider necrophilia. That’s right, people with an erotic interest in dead bodies. Aren’t you the least bit interested in why some people get sexually aroused by corpses and spend their weekend nights with them instead of the living? Come on. Even MGM, the company that made Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and the Wizard of Oz, got in on the action with the 1996 movie called Kissed (don’t freak out, there are no sex scenes as the focus is on the tender loving romance between a teenage girl and her corpse). Now if you think necrophilia is inappropriate to write about or even discuss, please don’t read on. (though I know you will because it’s hard to resist an adventure to the outposts of human nature).

So here it is; the unearthing of a fascinating psychology study that nobody knows about. Rosman and Resnick (1989) summarized the details of 122 people with necrophilia. They provided the most comprehensive account of what motivates people to show an erotic preference for dead people:

68% said it was about possessing someone who couldn’t resist or reject them

21% wanted to continue a relationship with a romantic partner (why should death get in the way?)

15% were sexually attracted to corpses

15% spent time with them to ward off the pain of being isolated and lonely

12% sought self-esteem and power

Right in front of me are other intriguing statistics such as their most common sexual acts and fantasies. I suspect that some readers would be repulsed and blame me for sharing them. I suspect that some readers would thank me for providing mesmerizing cocktail party conversation. Diverse interests and reactions is part of what makes socializing so much fun. Unless of course we let that desire for safety, security, and control take full reign…

Think about it. Someone actually does this in your city and if you find out, you are going to turn to a television reporter and say, "But they're an outstanding member of the community. They're the first one to plow the snow on the sidewalk. I don't believe it." Definitely do not share these statistics with anyone. Talk about the latest baseball player to be caught with steroids, talk about today's pollen count, talk about the Jane's Addiction reunion tour, anything but this...

I do want to be clear that by writing about these behaviors, I am not condoning them. Consider me nothing more than a purveyor of information that is likely to make you feel something whether it’s intrigue, disgust, empathy, anger, excitement, or something else. With this in mind, if you want, read on.

Just remember that 8 chapters of my book have absolutely nothing to do with the dark side of humanity. Devoting at least a single chapter to this topic is intellectually honest. Any strength can become a liability in the extreme, in the wrong person, or in the wrong situation. Being attentive, engaged, open, receptive, and curious is no different.

Details about my new book, Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life, can be found at www.toddkashdan.com

Curiosity and the Chrysanthemum: Defuse Conflicts, Become a Masterful Negotiator, and Relish the Beauty of Change

Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:25:14 +0000

The rules are simple: don't talk about politics, religion, sex, certainly not masturbation, and definitely don't question how someone parents their children. After all, what are you going to do if the person you're talking to is unwilling to appreciate your point of view? Can you handle a violent argument or an exhausting bout of strained silence? Out of fear, people hide from a number of important issues and a lot of relationships never build the strength to tolerate the intense emotions that arise during disagreements. As a clinical psychologist, I can tell you that handling conflict is essential to our well-being, healthy relationships, healthy workplaces, and healthy communities.

The truth is conflicts are inevitable. Human beings were never designed to live in the densely packed settings of modern society. With so many people in our personal space, so many emotions to read from so many faces, disagreements and arguments are unavoidable. It could be a romantic couple bickering on a regular basis about how to discipline their children. It could be a financially unstable business trying to negotiate a purchase with a stubborn buyer. It could be two nations that are inches away from war. Usually there is some value in negotiating some common ground to prevent conflicts from escalating into violent endings.

Researchers at Stanford University tested a simple idea for how to create successful outcomes during tense negotiations or conflicts. The reason that arguments can quickly turn ugly is that people don't feel as if they're being understood. Thus, make sure that each party feels as if they are being carefully listened to.

If people show that they are curious and willing to learn more about someone else's opposing view, this might be the key to diplomacy. That is, ask a single clarifying question about what another person's view is about. That's it. One question with a few important guidelines:

1. All you are doing is gathering information.
2. Be willing to suspend your biases and passionate beliefs-anticipate being challenged to defuse any defensive reactions on your part.
3. There is no commitment that you are going to alter or change your position based on what you learn.

Think of it as making an assessment of what the other person is thinking instead of judging them. Don't get me wrong, this is a hard mindset to be in. But what happens when we are genuinely curious about someone that holds a point-of-view that diverges from our own? By merely asking for a single bit of information, the other person views us as more open-minded and warm ("I appreciate you taking the time to actually hear me out"). They view us as different from the typical person with a belief system that differs from their own ("You know, it's refreshing to hear someone who is an atheist listen to what someone with faith actually has to say"). The other person feels as if we are paying attention and they don't just feel good, they view us as a good person. That curiosity, that open-mindedness, ends up being contagious. When you show curiosity in what they care about, they show a greater willingness to gather additional information from you. In the end, they are more willing to negotiate and come to a compromise that benefits everyone.

My favorite study asked participants to view a video of someone holding a view completely counter to their own belief system. Feminists vs. fans of pornography. Vegans vs. carnivores. Half of the participants were asked to prepare comments for the speaker. The other half were asked to prepare a single question showcasing their natural curiosity about the speaker's point of view ("Can you explain to me why the benefits of banning pornography outweigh the costs?"). What scientists found was that compared with people preparing comments, people armed with a single question viewed the message on the video as more intelligent and reasonable, viewed the speaker as more open-minded, and most promising, were more interested in meeting and getting to know the speaker in the future.

So what's the take-home message from this research? If we prepare people to be more curious before they hear messages, they are more receptive to what is being shared even if it clashes with their own worldviews. Consider the real-world implications. Think about the difficulty of creating peace between warring couples, corporations, and countries. Think about the government's attempts to sell controversial ideas about how to fix the economy. When we train ourselves to be curious ahead of time, when we prepare questions that don't smell of judgment and criticism, we open the doors to achieving the greatest possible outcomes in emotionally charged situations. Curiosity offers a back-door route to managing anxiety, conflict, and the uncertainty and ambiguity that colors most of our social world.

You should be skeptical. It sounds too good to be true. Come on now, one single question and people are going to compromise, appreciate each other, and sing "we are the world" together? Let me respond. First, what I am describing was tested using rigorous scientific methods so we can be much more confident than if someone gave you their opinion or relied on their intuition (which characterizes most books on happiness and meaning in life). Science is quality control. My entire book is informed by the latest scientific discoveries. From this research, I will provide you with a wide range of strategies for improving the quality of your own life and the lives of those around you. Second, we often believe that complex problems require complex solutions. Sometimes the simplest ideas are overlooked because they seem obvious and thus, impotent. Each of us is familiar with being curious but we differ on how often, how intensely, and how easily we enter this mindset. This book is about reclaiming this neglected, underappreciated strength. It's about learning how to actively wield this strength instead of passively waiting to bump into opportunities. Being curious on a regular basis takes practice because it requires us to alter our natural tendency to judge, categorize, and attempt to reach closure so that we feel confident, secure, and in control.

Dealing with conflicts in a successful manner only scratches the surface of the benefits of becoming a curious explorer. Read the book for much more (available for pre-order). Read a recent book review of an advanced copy.

Oh, in case you were wondering, that pumpkin is exactly what I envisioned to accompany this article.