Curious?

I tried to explain Aristotelian virtue ethics to my toddlers, then gave up and said "because it says so in the Bible." But that was me. Good, provocative article, Todd. Of course, we expect no less from you!

When my son was 8 I taught him the Way of Steel. In our religion when one dies he goes before Krom. Krom then asks the recently deceased the riddle of steel. If the soul does not know Krom casts them out of Valhalla, laughing.

I said "boy, you cannot trust men, beasts, or women. All you can trust is the strength of your arm and the steel that you wield" And that is enough. He will grow to be a powerful slayer as did I.

There's no need to read a book about a guy being the only child of this world's creator in order to know that the person in front of you is hurting. If they say they hurt, if they cry, or scream, or get mad, or completely shut up, there's a chance that the situation needs resolving.

To the comment above, toddlers may not get all the subtlety yet, and they don't really understand what the Bible is either. My mom used to say: 'Because I said so'. I believe it had the same impact. The tone of voice made it clear the discussion was over. I guess she was God to us: she could make our little lives heaven or hell on earth.

I am impressed that someone threw a "Jonny Quest" reference out there.

I still can't seem to work out how a kid can be reasonably moral in his/her interactions with everyone BUT his/her sibling. My sister (3 years older) was HORRIBLE to me for most of our childhood, and my daughter is equally horrible to her (2 years younger) brother. She is generally pretty moral and empathic in her life, but for her sibling, all bets are off. What's up with that?? I can't even wrap my head around it.

p.s. I love that picture.

Todd, I really enjoyed reading this post and agree with everything you wrote. In response to your post's title, I personally found it rewarding to teach my son some of the basic principles of Buddhism--as a philosophy, not a religion. One specific principle I found to be most helpful (somewhat analogous to the importance you place on teaching kids how to cope with pain) is compassion--compassion for other kids, adults, animals, nature, etc. It was surprisingly easy to teach to a (then) five-year-old and the results--in our "average" case--have exceeded my wildest expectations. There is an incredible storybook called Buddha at Bedtime that a friend gifted us two years ago. I've read it to my little man several times now and he and I love it. It's a pretty fantastic tool for teaching kids philosophical principles while avoiding religion entirely and it goes without saying that I highly recommend it.

It would be equally enlightening especially given the distortion in how religion is practiced in the United States and its conflation with political power to attempt to answer the question: "How Will You Teach Your Child Morality WITH Religion?" Historically, it is inarguable some of the worst crimes known to humankind have been perpetrated in the name of religion. Some of the greatest leaders in our history have also been deeply religious too such as Albert Einstein, so I would in no way argue that religion is not a useful guide to morality. The only conclusion one can come to is that Religion and Morality are orthogonal vectors IMHO.

Thought provoking post Todd.
My sister is a primary school teacher and she teaches her 6 year old students philosophy. They read a story and then explore what they think about it. I think that makes her very cool!
My son would say that reading 'The consolations of philosophy' by Alain de Botton had a profound impact on him.
Alain de Botton has also written a great book called 'Religion for Atheists' about what there is in religion that atheists might want to adopt. He suggests that families start having special days to celebrate particular virtues. As a family you might have a day a year where you watch Toy Story and then talk about friendship and loyalty and how each person wants to express that in their own life and then have a dinner where you each bring a dear friend. Stuff like that.

So, as well asto teach them how to handle pain compassionately, I would teach them how to explore complex ideas and I would encourage certain virtues.

Psychologist or not, my kids taught me more about life than I taught then. All grown, all 3 are vastly different, and isn't that lovely.

I remember when Sean, the youngest, asked why he needed to go to a Catholic School when the older two didn't. Good question, as I am not Catholic, but the Catholic system had very small class size, taught values, understood ADD kids, and he had a better chance to make the athletic teams. He did, and he tried new sports, made teams, garnered confidence and developed friendships that have lasted well into his 30's.

I told him as far a religion went, from day one, he could develop his own belief system. The universe gave him a brain, and it was going for fun for him to see what fit and what didn't. He is still a free spirit but one happy, risk-taking dude.

I grit my teeth when he tells me about his Harley or sky-diving or discusses his scuba diving on Mel Fisher's treasure ship off Key West. He has more guts than I ever did, a gal who USED to color inside the crayon box.

LOVED Todd's NOT ONE SIZE FITS ALL. As a former special ed teacher, school psychologist, and parent, right on!

Enjoyed reading this. But I have posed the question differently.

I was brought up in deeply religious family and system, lovely and loving people. My children were not and the conversations with them always emphasised the importance of their thinking through. I have no doubt that learned a lot about empathy, intuition - curiosity indeed - and the importance of reason and humanity, and other life also (like taking a loved gerbil to the Vet for emergency treatment at 3:00 a.m.) I have no doubt that religion would have got in the way - as it did for me, may parents and many others.
I find religion easy to understand, partly Haidt's hive hypothesis. But also other matters. My grandfather's village, small fishing village, lost half the population killed by cholera within a few days - in such extremis I would turn to religion. We have, in my view, made enormous progress in these matters in recent decades. My father would be in angst (was more than that) about my loss of faith; my mother would understand better, but would stand by her man.

It is a delight to read of your young family. Morality of course is life-long. We have for example made good progress in gender equality in care of children (sorry you can't breastfeed but there are realities in life) but it seems much less in care for elders, a matter I am currently struggling to better analyse. Which brings me to a crucial point.

Most religions imply an afterlife, or reincarnation. To put that a different way - they deny the realities of death. I think this is fearful and that children are exquisitely attuned to it; they sense when we fake. This is, I suggest, a very important matter in helping children develop their moral compass, and very difficult. I don't think religion helps. Love does.
Angus

Thanks for your kind comments, Todd. Yup, my previous Methodist religion taught me many great things and set the stage for me to know how to be a good person. I thank it for that...back then. BUT, I wasted some good youth always trying to do the right things for others and to BE GOOD. Hah! I know life is learning, but I smile now in my 6th decade thinking back on all the fun I missed by living by the rules. So I am letting 'er rip now! I have no big regrets, but I will tell you one thing, knowing what I know now, I would have been naughty way more often, played more, been less serious about life, and would have forgiven myself a whole lot more. Sex, for example, good girls didn't when I was young... Yeah right!

I enjoyed Angus'take on morality, too.

Maybe we don't need to teach morality, just help them remember.

http://abcnews.go.com/News/famed-biologist-frans-de-waal-argues-humans-i...

Great article, Jacqueline. Many thanks! Have a great weekend.

Great topic, Todd! It is totally possible to teach children morality without religion. Really, teaching isn't the issue. It's modeling moral behavior in how a parent treats their kids and others. They'll get it. I mean the desired outcome is the behavior, not theoretical precepts. Now some children will learn more readily than others depending on a host of variables like temperament, birth order, etc. However, learning through example is the best starting point....if more is needed, than moral values can be underscored through direct teaching. It's clear from your post, Todd, that your respect and empathy for dealing with children is a great basis for developing morality. The ability to cognitively see things from the perspective of a child and to emotionally resonate with their state provides a strong basis for understanding differences in people, respecting individuality, treating people fairly. Those are core qualities of morality from my viewpoint....and something we truly need in today's world!
Cheers,
Marion

I agree with Todd on his parenting ethics but I am also aware that recent research in the UK showed that having a faith, any faith, was good for one's mental health. Religion itself might not be the key - it might be the rituals that go with it - the gatherings, the routines, the ceremonies that are consistent from childhood.
If we remember how children learn timetables, for instance - by repetition, it might be that the ritual and consistent repetition in church or chapel "do not steal"' "do not kill" etc - this might be where the real power of religion is for growing children, a repetition of what is right and wrong so that the subconscious absorbs it.

Combine that with a sense of belonging to a wider group and it sounds kind of healthy. It does depend of course in the group, the beliefs and the level of fanatic belief. I was brought up within the Catholic faith and remembering being envious of the rather laid back, polite, rather charming Church of England attitude to religion, as I saw it - tea and sandwiches with a little bible thrown in.

Children do need a set of tenets to achieve a moral framework to live within, whatever that framework is - "you have to stand for something otherwise you'll fall for anything"

I used to be in a choir, several actually and one day the Director of the Scince Festival joined one and I asked her why she had come. Well, she said, I have been reading all this research on how religion prolongs life and I thought maybe its because they get to sing more. So I good join a bigoted rugby or football group - or join a choir, and live longer."
Made sense to me.