Curious?

Todd, thank you for this great article. IT is not only important, but fun to read--might even keep it handy on my bedside table when I need that ten second rewiring--I'll make it a ten minute rewiring.
Such a necessary context for all the blah, blah in the blogosphere about parenting. You put your finger on where the mental action is (I mean, should be).

If society and culture tells people that parenting makes one more worthwhile, a better person and will fulfill them, and then somebody performs a study where a bunch of parents are asked whether they are worthy, a good person and totally fulfilled then they are more likely not to question their feelings and report they are fulfilled to the max and brimming with joy.

Figure out a way to perform a study with some sort of analytic fulfillarometer that doesn't depend on self-reports and I might take you seriously.

Todd,
again. great article. You can speak Ivorytowerese without letting it mess with your message.
Your uncommon thoughts speak eloquently to common sense. They are reminders about what most of us know but forget in an anxious neurotic young-adult culture. Quibbles about methodology distract from the obvious truth of what you say.

In general, science does tell us otherwise. I hesitate to dismiss the previous research because 3 studies raise the possibility of arriving at a different conclusion.

I loved this article Todd . . . and your way of incorporating zombie lore into your parenting style. I tackled this issue on my own blog a few months ago (including the cognitive dissonance angle brought up in comments.) http://psychologyofwellbeing.com/201201/the-peaks-of-parenting.html

Like most big things in life, parenting is a mixed bag. Parents have a variety of experiences (good and bad) that non-parents will never know. And the reverse is also true. The question "which is better" will never be answered definitively. They are just different lives.

Nice to know about the extra perks of daddydom, though!

My biological son was sick for many years. No doctor could pinpoint it. He screamed almost every night, no exaggeration, until kindergarten. Finally he was diagnosed. Amen, but that didn't fix everything. If you had asked me about the joy of parenting then, I would have remembered first how hard it was. Then I would recall all the little triumphs. How I saw him thrive emotionally despite the physical crap and how proud I was of him. He will tell you he learned a lot about life and how to development friendships despite being different. he enriched my life beyond belief, though the day-to-day struggle was tough. My son would tell you it taught him that so many other kids had it worse off than him, whenever we went to the hospital and he saw blind kids, kids with no limbs, etc.

Parenting is not all or nothing. It is cracks and crevices, balloons and belly laughs. But if you want to learn savoring and meaning like no other, have or get a kid. Get down to his.her level and roll around. Eat dessert first. Scream on the ferris wheel, and remember these experiences are fleeting. This fun goes away early on, but it morphs into magic or BS adolescence and adulthood. Both are awesome. But happiness is like a fire fly. it goes on and off.

I know one thing, having Todd Kashdan as a dad has to be one unreal experience. Those are two super lucky little girls. And let's not forget Todd's lovely wife who gets to shake her head I bet as she watches this action and creates her own.

Recently, my son, now 32, wrote on his very active FB, out of the blue for no reason, "Love you, Mom!" NOTHING beats that. Meaning? Screw his childhood sleepless nights. Tears of joy are a great reminder. No, it ain't easy. But what in life is?

There is a science to raising children, but to be true, the science must be inclusive of the art of it.

How beautifully said, Rick. And all art is unique. Love your concept of parenting as an art form. Absolutely brilliant! Some days all the colors smear together, and it seems gray and sometimes even black. In the long run, at least for most of us, I think we would describe parenting kids as reflecting every feeling color under the rainbow.

I remember when Sean was 2, he said was saying good night to our friend, Kay. Without missing a beat, he piped up with, "Goo night K...LMNOP!" A to-die-for moment! The little treasured memories and positive reminisces...Platinum.

Judy, I hope you are collecting these in a journal or something.
This is what should be discussed at parent-teacher conferences, no?

your attitude toward parenting is so refreshing. I just find myself listening with reverence as a parent of younger ladies.

Thanks for your kind comment, Todd. When I read your blog and what your kids said to you, I thought, "Raw honesty. Creativity. Fearlessness. Already these little girls are grabbing at life with both hands. They don't just want to play in the sandbox, they want to DESIGN the sandbox, fill it with jello, and jump in backwards! Granted other kids don't have you two for parents, but my mind kept wishing and hoping our schools would open their doors to flexible thinking and other creative avenues. I am taking classes at Mentor Coach with motivation researcher, Heidi Grant Halvorson, and mindsets matter big time.

Time for our legislators to wake up, get off their high horses and ask themselves how they want their kids and grand kids to grow up. Rote doesn't cut it in education. BE GOOD memorizing mindsets don't work. EXPERIENCES do! You are allowing your lucky kids to challenge and experience all of life, even the gory stuff. To develop a GET BETTER mindset by failing and trying harder to get your goals met, that is the fun part. Many thanks for a super blog.

Judy and Todd.
You would like my "Difficult Child" story (http://rickackerly.com/2012/03/07/the-invincible-thirty-something-and-th...)
Can legislative policies change schooling and make it an education? I am sure we can only liberate parents who are dedicated to their children's happiness and success one family at a time.

Hi, Rick,

Just read your Difficult Child blog and enjoyed it immensely. Man, can I relate. Love the mindset expansion from rebellion to success, failure to not failure to realigning goals with values and getting what you want.

Hope all you airplane rides are as enchanting. I often say I wish had kept a journal about people I have met on planes. From them I have learned so much. One even offered my son, Sean, a very good job without ever meeting him!

Have a great weekend!

Hi, Rick,

Just read your Difficult Child blog and enjoyed it immensely. Man, can I relate. Love the mindset expansion from rebellion to success, failure to not failure to realigning goals with values and getting what you want.

Hope all you airplane rides are as enchanting. I often say I wish had kept a journal about people I have met on planes. From them I have learned so much. One even offered my son, Sean, a very good job without ever meeting him!

Have a great weekend!

Thanks for all your time and energy with this blog and all your great work on this issue. I have a bunch of respect for your expertise and your philosophy of positivity. I’m also quite confident that you’re a hundred times smarter than I am. But I think in this latest blog post, you do parents a disservice when you try to make parenting out to be mostly great times with just a few hiccups here and there.

For many parents, raising kids (different from being a parent) is noble, important, and extremely challenging, but a lot of the time it’s not “joyous” at all. And many times you go to bed wondering why you put your heart and soul into something that is often driving you nuts.

I like what you say about trying to focus on the positive moments but I think it’s equally important for parents to understand that it’s OK to be frustrated, tortured, and upset. It doesn’t make you a bad person or parent. (I try to deal with these issues in my blog at socksnsandals.wordpress.com).

I think the most realistic thing for parents to know is the advice I received a few years ago at a beach front bar in Cape San Blas, Florida. It keeps me going as a parent on those times when I just want to quit. It was a particularly tough day with the kids. As usual, I worried that I messed up every critical parenting decision and the results would ruin my kid’s lives forever.

I was talking to a 75-year-old woman who is like a grandmother to my wife. The woman had four kids, went through some very difficult times with them, but still claimed it was worth every minute.
“But is it supposed to be this hard?” I asked her, with genuine despair in my voice.

She just looked up, smiled, and said, “Only if you’re doing it right.”

Thanks for all your time and energy with this article and all your great work on this issue. I have a bunch of respect for your expertise and your philosophy of positivity. I’m also quite confident that you’re a hundred times smarter than I am. But I think in this latest blog post, you do parents a disservice when you try to make parenting out to be mostly great times with just a few hiccups here and there.

I like what you say about trying to focus on the positive moments but I think it’s equally important for parents to understand that it’s OK to be frustrated, tortured, and a little discouraged. It doesn’t make you a bad person or parent. (I actually wrote a blog about this exact thing at socksnsandals.wordpress.com.)

I think the most realistic thing for parents to know is the advice I received a few years ago at a beach front bar in Cape San Blas, Florida. It keeps me going as a parent on those times when I just want to quit. It was a particularly tough day with the kids. As usual, I worried that I messed up every critical parenting decision and the results would ruin my kid’s lives forever.

I was talking to a 75-year-old woman who is like a grandmother to my wife. The woman had four kids, went through some very difficult times with them, but still claimed it was worth every minute.

“But is it supposed to be this hard?” I asked her, with genuine despair in my voice.

She just looked up, smiled, and said, “Only if you’re doing it right.”

"there are moments when it sucks," does not equal some parents' experience of hard.
But you great message is; it's not about happy/sad; hard/easy , etc. It is life--perhaps life at its top.

I think it likely also depends on the parent’s personality, values, and cultural contexts.

Among women, for instance, there is evidence that more masculine women (e.g., higher testosterone, taller, etc.) have less desire to be mothers, want fewer children, and place more emphasis on their careers (Deady & Smith, 2006; Deady et al. 2006; Grant, 1998).

A related finding is that having more children makes women more depressed in richer and more gender egalitarian societies, whereas having more children makes women less depressed in poorer and more patriarchal societies (Hopcroft & McLaughlin, 2012).

Culture and personality matter.

Deady et al. (2006). http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16360878
Hopcroft, R.L. & McLaughlin, J. (2012). Why is the sex gap in feelings of depression wider in high gender equity countries? The effect of children on the psychological well-being of men and women. Social Science Research, 41, 501–513.