Do you believe that, "People won't turn to cybersex/Internet porn if they can have as much sex as they want with another person of sufficient libido?" Perhaps that was once true. It no longer is. The bald truth is already the stuff of comedy routines. Yet it can be disconcerting when your partner opts for artificial stimulation even when you're ready and willing to pleasure him or her.

Said a male friend about a recent date, "At least I'd like her to give me a chance before she pulls out the vibrator." And here's a female perspective:

I am considered good looking, keep fit, and look a lot younger than my age. I used to not mind when my husband watched porn because I like it too, at times. But now he would rather watch it behind my back. I don't get it. I want to do all those things in videos with him but he would rather just jerk off. I am lonely and horny. I am so tired of not having sex with a person anymore that I am seriously considering leaving. He has become over stimulated and can no longer have regular sex. I can't live a sexless life.

Why would anyone prefer synthetic sex to a real mate? Because its constant novelty, or superhuman vibrations, make possible an intense drug-like high that no familiar mate can match. Although an artificially produced high is not as deeply fulfilling as sex with you, it can be more compelling under certain circumstances.

To understand how this bizarre, science-fictionish situation arises, you need to know a bit about the neurochemistry of the brain's appetite mechanism and how it interacts with today's hyperstimulating sex aids. Briefly, each new video, hunt for the perfect image, sex toy buzz, cybersex encounter, and your awesome oral sex all release a neurotransmitter called dopamine. It's the "Gotta get it!" neurochemical behind all addictions. One man explained how Internet porn affects his brain:

The dopamine rush is crazy with Internet porn. It just overwhelms the brain and you are practically cumming without even doing anything. It's a very intoxicating feeling.

Unfortunately, too much dopamine can dysregulate the brain's dopamine response, leaving a partner soon feeling cranky, anxious—and desperate for another dopamine infusion by the fastest, laziest means. In that state of mind, even the most loving mutual encounter can seem like work. Internet porn or a vibrator, however, will supply a fleeting dopamine fix in a heartbeat. Both porn and sex toys have the power to override normal sexual satiety mechanisms in the brain. This means a whole lot of dopamine is released, numbing some brains to pleasure (decreasing sensitivity to dopamine).

You see the problem? In such a situation, your partner's dopamine-driven use of synthetic stimulation is no reflection on you or your great lovemaking.

And actually, as Davy Rothbart explains, porn-star sex can be a turn-off. It can get in the way of savoring partnered sex's more nourishing gifts: affectionate touch, sensual smells, and companionship. Bottom line: Today's good lovers can hit a wall that was foreign to their ancestors: Your mate may be thoroughly sexually satiated—and yet still seeking intense synthetic stimulation to ease cravings that stem from dopamine dysregulation—while you stand by somewhat helplessly.

Lack of sexual responsiveness during sex is common

Women are beginning to report that vibrator and/or porn use makes them less sexually responsive to normal stimuli.

I couldn't believe how effectively my vibrator got the job done. It worked TOO well. Within a month, I could no longer orgasm with my boyfriend, and a few months after that, I couldn't even do it with my own hand any longer.I tried masturbating to [porn] once. The stimulation was so intense that I came in less than one minute (not at all like real life!). Real-life sex will never be able to measure up to that. If I started regularly using Internet porn, I would end up as one of those people who can no longer get turned on without it.

At the same time, more men are reporting that Internet porn and live chat can gradually dull their sensitivity. In fact, a recent Italian survey confirmed that heavy porn use is behind growing copulatory impotence (sexual anorexia) in young men. One result of numbing the brain's sensitivity to pleasure is sexual performance problems (sometimes masked as a need for novelty or vigorous stimulation with more pressure than bodily orifices can safely deliver on a regular basis).

Erectile dysfunction during copulation is becoming so common among heavy porn users that men on forums have begun advising each other that it's normal to need vigorous manual stimulation and Internet porn to sustain an erection. (It's not, and those who give up porn generally recover their potency.) 

I used to have a healthy sexual relationship with my wife until I got hooked on porn and masturbation. I thought I could have the best of both worlds but eventually it caught up with me. Now I am experiencing erectile dysfunction problems and it's really messing with my mind and dick, which only gets halfway erect leading to embarrassing experiences.

Another guy:

I am in my mid-twenties and have had a problem getting and maintaining an erection with sexual partners since I started looking at porn almost daily six years ago. I have gone to various GPs down through the years and have always been told I have no physical problem.

Weak erections can lead to unsafe sex

Here's one man's story:

I could always have sex on (my) command, but in recent years I've watched porn a lot. I am now having erection problems. There are several girls who would sleep with me, but only with condoms (rightfully so). Last month, I tried to have sex. She did all she could in terms of foreplay, but finally she got frustrated and allowed me to penetrate her without a condom. Once in her, my erection began to solidify. Then she felt bad and got me out of her. "No condom," she said, "no sex." It showed me that when desperate enough anyone could engage in risky sexual behavior. This is not OK.

On the way home, I actually cried. That sex would have created the intimacy both the girl and I needed, something we both hadn't had in a while. It would have brought us together. As I write I am noticing the trend. Girlfriend and masturbation but no pornography: erections. Girlfriend and masturbation to pornography: weakened erections and unsafe sex.