I think you are telling the truth.The legislations are always against human natures though we can not live without it.Could the plurality of wives be ideal society?Some of asian countries with it are not having these social problems?

People in a committed relationship who have children, need to realize that their relationship is of high priority. IF "Their" relationship is not working the unity of the family will be a failed goal. Both parties are obilgated to do what is necessary to be attractived to the other party; and not let oneself go!
Sex is important to women too, but who wants a rudt-rudt, oh I am done in two minutes. Why bother? Men are not good lovers for the most part. Perhaps instead of looking an make believe models,and fantazing about what they (men) don't have; appreciate what you do have and work on you being attractive to your wife! Pay as much attention to her as you do your favorite beer and football team.
To me its simple- love each other well- then leaving will not be a problem; no one leaves what feels good and the children will benefit from seeing and being apart of the loving relationship.

Why do women (both married and single) engage in sex with married men? They undermine other women and their families--and risk continuing a sex culture that may affect them similarly some day. I.e., why does the furor over extramarital sex target only men and their actions and not women and theirs?

What about women who no longer desire sex with their husbands because it is the husband who has put on the pounds and the wrinkles, and has lost most of his hair but is now growing it in some pretty strange places? What if the wife no longer desires intercourse with her husband because he has always been a clumsy, selfish lover? Perhaps it makes more sense to work on things. A lot of compromise can be made before a man just says to himself, "Oh, well, she's fat and has wrinkles and never wants sex with me anymore. It's time to move on." I think before these men throw away their families it would be a wise investment of time to find out what they can do to improve the situation.

What about the beautiful woman who don't stop having sex with their man, yet their man still cheats! This happened to me, and it certainly happened to Elizabeth Hurley and Hallie Barry.

Men and Women all rationalize "just looking" as a harmless affirmation of their inborn sexual urges that cannot be ignored nor controlled. Sexually alluring images are everywhere in this country, not to mention people who dress provocatively and the more exhibitionist folks as well. Though I am young, I am in a long-term committed relationship with a beautiful, sexy woman and I find I cannot help looking at other women, masturbating to pornography and occasionally entertaining the notion of leaving or straying from the monogamy. I question whether these urges stem from dissatisfaction with my relationship (there's been plenty over time) or some kind of innate wiring to stray.

In recent years I've read more and more of the evolutionary advantages of monogamy, of how many primates and other sophisticated animals exhibit monogamous relationships and build single families. Recent studies also suggest that monogamy is better for men than it is for women - in a polygamous culture, there are many women for the few, lucky men who possess the desired traits necessary for wives and lovers.

Our society seems modeled on a half-way point, where men are understood to both possess romantic, monogamist tendencies as well as primitive polygamist ones as well.

What seems to fall under the radar most often is how our culture has empowered women sexually - a man who "forces" sex on his lovers is a brute, and therefore women are more or less in control. We really are at an impasse - how do we reconcile our needs and the needs of our lovers? It is this delicate negotiation, played out over conversations, marriages and mutual deception.

For now, I believe a man is entitled to pursue that which he wants and needs, but must accept the consequences inherent. In college, I found I'd enjoy casual sexual relationships as well as committed ones - the sex was undoubtedly better in the committed relationships, but it would frequently dissipate over time. Young people, gay or straight, man or woman, should understand it is their responsibility in a monogamous relationship to maintain the sexual bond - this does not just mean "putting out" but also having frank, honest and generous conversations regarding both parties' desires, frustrations and needs.

Quite interestng, what you say is a trend too.

I am a therapist who specializes in affairs, and for the record, none of the people I've worked with have had affairs because their spouses are fat or wrinkly.

For a good understanding, read Janis abrahms spring: After the Affair

When I see the vision of the man you are talking about here... I see a big, blue, fuzzy, not too smart, selfish, but kind of cute in a stupid way, Cookie Monster!

Let's look a little deeper. Is that all men are, really?

1. Stating that you are not making excuses and then making them, doesn't really make sense.

2. Of course fathers are important. Everybody knows that. I'm not even going to site all the research that says so. It's just reality.

3. You forgot to say that husbands sometimes have affairs because they feel inadequate, and they may be. I guess we could find a way to blame the wife for that, too.

4. Like I said, you make men sound like Cookie Monsters. Give me a break. What about love and care for his wife, despite her wrinkes and fat? I bet he looks tore up, too.

Thank you for this courageous bit of truth-telling. We look at some of these same issues in our post called "An Inconvenient Truth: Sexual Monogamy Kills Male Libido." A couple of comments:

-- You seem to be very focused on the wife's aging as a cause of the husband's seeking sexual novelty. This may be both inaccurate and unfair. As one of the the previous comments noted, this diminishing of male libido over time happens almost always -- independent of the wife's age or physical appearance.

-- You refer to research showing that women desire less sex than men, but there is also plentiful research showing just the opposite: that more women than men complain about low frequency of sex in marriage and/or poor quality when it does happen.

-- We go into these issues in great depth in our soon-to-be-published book "Lust in Paradise: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality." We discuss evidence that the so-called "mid-life crisis" isn't just about sex, it's about feeling ALIVE again for men who have lost their vitality. So, it may be that your argument is stronger than you think. It's not just sex and love the new woman symbolizes, but life itself.

-- One other note for the anonymous commenter who refers to "many primates and other sophisticated animals exhibit monogamous relationships and build single families." You've been misinformed. There are not many primates who are monogamous. Very few, in fact. The closest to our species is the gibbon, with whom we shared an ancestor about 20 million years ago. Most primates are either promiscuous (including chimps and bonobos) or polygynous (gorillas). Sexual monogamy is exceedingly rare.

I am a wife who was married for 22yrs when my husband left my children and I for another woman. I am very attractive some call me beautiful and I have a slim nice figure. It is not because of looks why a man leaves. IT is showing a personality flaw and a selfish one at that.Midlife crisis is deadly for some men especially for insecure ones as was my husband.they should not marry if they want to play around!!

I think that adultery should be punishable by law through massive fines paid both to the government and to the abandoned woman and child(ren), accompanied by jailtime. Even though men's biological impulses may cause them to desire other more attractive women, in the end they are just propetuating a cycle of broken families. I have a son with a man who gave me an ultimatum during pregnancy: either have an abortion, or I'm leaving you. He never loved me, but I have a wonderful son as a remnant of the relationship. I often worry what my ex's actions are going to teach my son. I would like to instill in my son that it is immoral to leave a woman with child. I was willing to work things out, but he didn't want to even try. I just hope my son will not follow the pattern of his father, and grandfather. Families are the infrastructure of society, and once we start disintegrating the roles of men and placing the burden solely on the woman, we are degrading society.

I am a 32 year old man who has just left my partner of 7 years and 3 year old daughter - cue howls of derision. Doing this has killed me. I fell for someone else as the relationship I was in fell apart. We drifted over time and I bonded with someone else - I didnt ask for this but it happens very easily without noticing it. I'm not some player who runs around town consistantly cheating and generally being an a**hole. I still care hugely for my ex and my little girl is my reason for living.

I am now in no-mans land. I have a new relationship waiting for me that I am not sure I want as I cannot erase the guilt I feel when I am with that person. And I have a very hurt ex - who I still care a great deal for and a daughter I love more than life itself.

I aim to be there for my daughter come what may. I want to spend time with her and help my ex in any way I can so she does not feel isolated. I am luckily to be solvent enough to be able to provide any material things they may both need.

I have read all of the above and I dont see anything there that reflects how I feel or what happened. Men leave when they know they have done wrong and (from my current experience) then try and make the best of the no-mans land they have created for themselves. I dont seek any sympathy here, I just wanted the poster who feels I should go to prison to know this.

Firstly,…congratulations on a well written and bold article. Whoever thought that a cheating man would be given anything but a literary spanking?!

I, unlike you, am not a credentialed individual. I am certainly not qualified to make comments based upon quantifiable or repeatable models. My observations are strictly empirical. As a ‘traveling salesman’ for the last 20 years, I have worked with literally hundreds of men….some players and cheaters, most not. I usually spend up to a week with my clients and there is plenty of road time to get to know each other. Those who want to talk about their extracurricular behavior have an open ear from me. Does this experience give me the literary collateral to claim myself an expert on male cheating behavior? Absolutely not. But it has given me a great depth of practical insight on the ‘real world’ of cheating.

I can say that there always seems to be several common denominators that result in a man cheating on his wife and frankly, they have never been your presumptions of a wife who offers too little sex or has packed on a few too many lbs. No….the common denominators seem to be

1.) “She understands my problems and issues” Meaning…we started making small talk. Small talk expanded to lunch. Lunch expanded to dinner and dinner expanded to sex.
2.) “Big Ego and Self Centered” personalities. Meaning…I want to make myself happy no matter what the cost and whomever it hurts.

I’ll leave more articulate and scientific explanations of these traits up to the psychological and sociological experts, but I think you get the gist.

Your article steers clear of the moral and religious side of the marital vows, so therefore, so will I.

Getting to the point…Do the laws of society leave a cheating man an easy out? Of course not. Why should they? A marriage is a partnership…with a contract. Was there a breach of contract in your scenario Professor? I don’t think many marriage contracts have clauses that provide that the wife promises to ‘Love, Honor, Lay and keep her BMI under 30’. You are partners for life, unless you mutually decide to terminate the contract.

Sure you can cheat, but our system, both legal and societal, have rightfully declined to give a cheater in marriage or in business a free pass on this matter. Should the husband then feel he has some sort of inalienable right to now fly under the radar? As in any determination of the legitimacy of the logic of an issue, let’s reduce it to the absurd. For example…Just because you are not making enough money with the present terms of your employment, should you be allowed to ‘cook the books’ until you do satisfy your financial needs? Another example…call the former stockholders at Enron and ask them their opinion on this ‘cooking the books’ question. Poll them as to whether cheating is OK. Lastly…If my wife gains 9 lbs, I won’t cheat. If she gains 10 …I will. All these examples take the issue to the extreme, but they do clearly illustrate that society is not OK with cheating. Cheating is cheating and reasons for its justification seem remote at best.

In this country or any country where there is an order to society, you are duty bound to abide by the terms of a marital contract just as you are in a business contract regardless of whether your daily sexual drive is negated by her daily drive to Dunkin Donuts.

Should a cheater be given that ‘easy out’? That ‘free pass’ to cheat? You decide. It seems to me, society already has.

The author's focus on the wife's deteriorating attractiveness as a reason men leave their wives bothers me. It paints men as shallow (are they?). The other point I question is men leaving because they're not getting enough sex from their wife. Although it seems plausible, a psychologist told me this is a myth.

I liked the article, and I feel like the arguments some are making were left out for a reason. There are so many factors involved in a failed marriage that it would take too much time to list. The point being made is pretty simple. Society with the courts, and magazines with advice are all teaching us to play the blame game. When you love somebody that is a choice. I choose to love my child unconditionally. That also implies that in order to make something work, an action is necessary. Of course!! Maybe the courts should play an equal role in keeping families together. Maybe men should start writing columns about love and marriage. How about rejecting the status quo for a change. Stop talking about how high the divorce rate is, and instead focus on how productive the other percentage is to society. Well, anyway that's just my opinion.

Interesting article putting a different perspective on things, but like other posters, the common thread is that the wife denies sex, is aging and not looking her best is the reason men cheat. That is a rare thing.

I am a very attractive woman (so I'm told often) and have a very high libido. I make sure I keep myself looking good and always have for my husband. I am many years younger than him. I did everything a good wife should and more and remained devoted to him. In the bedroom there was never an issue from me, yet he cheated with a quite unattractive, even younger woman. He decided to use porn instead of having any kind of relationship with me.

I know several men who have had affairs. None of them have ever said it's because their wifes weren't pretty anymore. They said it's because they were unappreciated, ridiculed, insulted and even hated in their own homes. One said he was denied sex for over ten years before he ever went looking and long ago his wife moved him into another part of the house. Effectively, he has no marriage, yet he is tied, not permitted to seek his own happiness because, if he left his wife, she has told him she would take the kids back to her home country and he'd never see them. He remains solely for the benefit of his relationship with his children.

Interesting article but perhaps you should have done more research. The "other woman" is often not as attractive as the wife, which should be at least some proof that men don't just stray because of hormones or egos. They often realize (just like women do) that their spouse is not nurturing the relationship and that they are in a relationship devoid of intimacy and connection.

I should know - I am involved with a married man who is just such a guy. He is not one to dally with other women. He is an ethical sort who wants to do what is right. He is agonizing over the choice to leave his family and I am waiting until he feels ready to do so. Am I crazy or being exploited? No. I am 50 years old and know exactly what I am doing. I am in control of what I do. I know the risks and I am willing to take them. I don't need to live with a man. People presume that I am selling myself short, but I assure you I am not and I resent people who think that. We all have different needs. People make assumptions about other people based on generalizations. Well, neither he nor I fit into any of those trite categories.

What I want to know is why women are almost never put down for divorcing. The kids usually stay with them, but is that the husband's decision? Suppose the husband doesn't want to leave his kids? People usually assume that a woman who divorces is getting away from some sort of abuse, making her the victim and the husband the abuser. But if a man divorces and leaves he is STILL seen as the abuser and his wife is STILL the victim. I don't get it. Isn't the husband entitled to a happy life as much as the wife? Aren't wives just as capable of abusing and neglecting their husbands (emotionally or otherwise) and don't their husbands have a right to leave and find a happier life? Why is he called "selfish" and "egotistical" if he desires a better life, meanwhile a woman who divorces to obtain a better life is called a "survivor" and a "heroine"? I still don't get it.

Oh, it's different if there's another woman involved? Personally I think that a lot of men put up with a lot of unhappiness to keep the marriage and family together and it's only after they happen to meet someone else that they decide that life is too short and that there is a better life out there. And it's NOT about hormones, although those do play a part. That's the case with my boyfriend.

My boyfriend's wife is all too complacent to sit around while he supports her, otherwise I am SURE she would have already filed for divorce. I see nothing noble in her accepting the status quo and living off the fat of the land while her husband bears the entire burden of supporting her and a family of three, plus gets no satisfaction emotional or physical from the relationship. Just who is the victim here? Even when he was ill for several months and there was NO money coming in at all she refused to get a job. I was incensed when I heard this!

So I personally just hate it when people make assumptions based on generalizations. Obviously my boyfriend is not an egotistical guy looking for nothing but physical satisfaction. He's looking to get away from someone who has been bleeding him dry for years. OK, she takes care of the house and the kids but other than that, what else has she put into their relationship? She neglects him because of her own personal hangups and failures. He is as much a father to his kids if not more than she is a mother. I have never seen a guy so involved with and devoted to his kids. And despite years of marriage counseling that my boyfriend entered into to save the relationship, nothing has worked. So excuse me if I fail to see how my boyfriend is a villain for wanting out of this mess! It just goes to show you that every situation is different.

These are all very interesting points. I am a mother of 2 very small children whose husband cheated while I was pregnant with our second daughter. We were married for 5 years, most of which were wonderful. Things changed after the birth of our first child and I never really noticed the disconnect until it was too late. Now, 7 months later after the birth of our second child, here I am looking at a 40 page document spelling out the visitation schedule and separating all our assets. Many of what the article mentioned made sense. The biggest point I appreciated was that "women intuitively know that love is what is left when the feeling of being in love disappears."

I am an educated, young attractive woman (this I know!) who devoted my life to my family. Was it perfect? Certainly not. However, by and large, we had the American Dream, the kind of life most people dream of. What do I believe happened? Life. After the honeymoon phase, enter the child. Now the focus was more on her than each other. Enter the daily responsibilities of life. You wake up, go to work, come home, do laundry, eat dinner, etc. Sex? It was there, it was fine at best, but after a while it became routine. I didn't feel so attractive because of my post baby body so how was I to feel comfortable with crazy wild sex like before? So I went from thongs to full backs (not grannies!) "Why should I care when he farts all day?" I thought. "I'm the one doing ALL the cooking, cleaning, and caring for our daughter...AND I have a full time job. He doesn't appreciate me." I'm sure that feeling rubbed off on him and he thought, in turn, "She's never satisfied, she doesn't appreciate me." Was this the truth? No. Just each others' perceptions. It is both the parties' responsibilities to keep the love alive, yes. So instead of telling me our marriage was in trouble, he left himself wide open. Had I known it would have led to cheating you bet those thongs would have come right back on! Enter the other woman. Attractive? Whether or not anyone believes me, definitely not. Not ugly, just ordinary, and a good 30 lbs heavier. But he was wide open. She gave him the attention I now realize that he craved. I'm sure being married had something to do with the attraction...the thrill of the chase.

Had I been more aware of how men think I would have dealt with things differently. Is it my fault? Absolutely not. The fact of the matter is there will always be women out there willing or wanting to sleep with a married man (and vice versa). My husband was weak, left himself wide open and succumbed to his innate male instincts. Now he's attached himself to a young, less than attractive girl who has no moral standing and respect for the family unit. He may be in the midst of a passionate love affair, but I wonder what life will be like when it isn't so exciting anymore and things become routine, as it usually always does.

As for the woman with a married boyfriend, how sad for you that you could think so low of yourself that you would stoop to that level and take another woman's leftovers. My husband left his pregnant wife and young daughter for the likes of you. I'm sure he agonized over his decision but it doesn't make it right. When you make a solemn vow to your wife and family, it is your duty to live up to it. The grass may seem better on the other side, but as the article stated, often times it is not. By the time the male figures this out it is too late, and lives turned upside down in the process. If you knew the emotional hell I went through during this time you would know that I, indeed, am a survivor in every sense of the word. I walk away from this experience with my head held high because I know that I was a good wife and woman when looking at the big picture.

I think many women are forgetting that it is built in men to have as many women as possible. It’s natural. Marriage is going against what is a natural instinct. I am a women, with a boyfriend, and yes his cheated on me before but I totally understand why men cheat. Just because a man marries you it doesn’t change his taste in women. If he marries a slim women it will probably be because that is what he likes, if that women gains a lot of weight then he will naturally become un attracted to her, and lets face it when women get what they want (kids) they stop making the effort. Yes he may still love her but when you don’t desire your wife or husband then that is the start of a marriage going down the drain. Sex to many men is an urge like kids are to women. Men are visual creatures and fall in love based on looks (or would if the could depending on the guy). Yes hard to believe this is a women writing, but I have a lot of male friends and all are miserable because of their wives/girlfriends. Women shouldn’t dominate a relationship.

This issue is not abstract -- it is relationship specific. But, one of the issues that has not been raised is why a man has to abandon his children. I work to continue a relationship with my child and, as he gets older, he is starting to have his mother impose the same control based relationship on him -- and he now begins to understand.

And, I don't think you can minimize the adverse long term affect that staying in an abusive marriage can have on your relationship with your children. This article talks about people who are beginning the downward slope of the actuarial curve. What happens if you stay in a relationship "for your children" and then you become ill. Who would not be overwhelming bitter.

There are extreme cases -- but, in my relationship, my ex wife became the gate keeper for sex and society and used this to manipulate me. Divorce began as unthinkable. But, after derisive threats and challenges by my derisive gatekeeper, the unthinkable became reality.

I wanted sex -- and I wanted fun. And I wanted it with her. She wanted control. I would not be surprised if this is what happens when most men divorce. Statistically, most divorces are filed by women, not men. So, even the premise of this article perpetuates the "man is guilty" position. Divorce lawyers often think that there usually is a good reason when a man files and walks away. But, the public, typically advised by the "wronged wife" who does not convey this perspective -- it is scorched earth propaganda by the person who typically is delgated "social arrangment authority". And, there is no way to "debate the facts". The man just loses unless there is a publicly known reason for divorce. And, many woman seem "similarly situated" with the "wronged wife". They say -- but for the grace of God there go I. And, their husbands have no real upside to try to take your side -- they are subject to the same sex and society gatekeeping that you are.

Women understand that sex is power. This is not really new.
What is new is the empowering social roles and position provided to women generally. They don't need men for economic support. So, they have more leverage in the relationship than they had traditionally.

I believe that the commentator who suggested that long-term monogomous marriage requires work and attention is correct. It must be a priority if it is endure -- even if you have children.

I did the whole run -- counselling, over 20 years of attemted compromising, accomodation and negotation -- and I waited until after divorce to start to take care of my needs. It was hard. And, I have not given up on my son. The fact that society can cant the debate to make men who leave relationships in all cases the "mid-life crisis selfish man" is deplorable. I lost a lot of friends and a lot of money --- but I still have my son because I would not let her take him away -- and I have my life. And, I show my son that sometimes -- after making every reasonable compromise -- you have to take the bad affects of difficult decisions to be true to yourself and for the best interest of your family.