Creative Development

The Heart of Gratitude

Maureen Healy — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:03:21 +0000

Getting to the heart of gratitude is worthy work. So many of us can think thankful thoughts and say simple appreciative sayings but how many of us genuinely feel a deep well of gratitude daily? It is this authentic appreciation for all the good that comes our way that helps us live longer, feel better and create positive connections in the world around us (per the latest scientific studies). As well as sets an extraordinary example for our children to create lives full of thankfulness.

Generating Gratitude

Each of us travels our own unique path towards gratitude. And each of us learns how to generate it differently. Take me for example. Maybe I was a slow learner and needed to go to a developing nation, live at the Base Himalayas, work with Tibetan refugee children and wash out of bucket in the middle of winter for months to really appreciate the creature comforts of the modern world. Let me tell you, it worked!

So honoring your own individual journey is important. And I believe deepening your level of gratitude in a way that feels right to you and supports a skillful worldview has the potential to be incredibly positive and powerful. So to take thankfulness into practice included below are a few ways to activate appreciation:

Physical Reminders - Maybe you need to tie a ribbon around your pinkie to remember to buy milk on the way home. The same goes for feeling thankfulness. I leave a Yak blanket out so I recall what it was like to live in a country without heat in the middle of the winter for 4 months (happily might I add). Or perhaps you post your favorite thankfulness prayer somewhere visible to activate this emotion. The art of placing something external has a deep impression on both the conscious and unconscious mind (don't believe me though - try it).
Sounds - Songs are a powerful part of deepening our experience of thankfulness. A song that relaxes my mind and focuses it upon the positive aspects may not work for you. What I do know is music can relax us, awaken us and remind us of all of our good fortune whether it is chanting a Buddhist mantra like "Om Mani Padme Hung" or a top 40 tune - find a song that makes you feel happy to be alive (thankful if you will).
Stories - Reading stories about other parts of the world like Greg Mortensen's 3 Cups of Tea will also likely activate appreciation (i.e. they built schools one rock at a time). Such stories encourage us to see the sacredness in everyday things such as a paved road and washing machine.
Gratitude Habits - Some folks have "a wonderful capacity to appreciate again and again, freshly and naively, the basic goods of life, with awe, wonder and ecstasy" stated Maslow, founder of Humanistic Psychology. Such a level of appreciation takes awareness and insight and is often activated by creating habits of feeling and thinking gratitude such as:

- Sharing a Gratitude Thought before Meals or Before Sleep Nightly
- Making a mental gratitude list daily
- Writing in a gratitude journal
- Meditating and recalling all the people who have helped you in a little or big way. Or the people who haven't as they taught you patience, tolerance and forgiveness.
- Saying gratitude affirmations upon waking (i.e. Thank You for this perfect day.)

Raising Great-full Kids

Cultivating gratitude in kids begins with your own practice. Kids will mirror what they see, hear and feel each day. So incorporating a practice of gratitude into your day-to-day routine with children is crucial - it can be a family practice of saying something we are grateful for before sleep or making up a silly but thankful saying before dinner. Like my Dad used to say, "Rub a Dub-Dub, Thanks for the Grub, YAY God!" but as a kid it taught me however silly I need to be its okay but never forget to thank away.

By Maureen Healy

Author of 365 Perfect Things to Say to Your Kids available on Amazon Dec 1, 2009 and in stores everywhere January 10, 2010.
More information: www.growinghappykids.com

Positive Parents

Maureen Healy — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 23:16:14 +0000

Earlier today over a fried green tomato sandwich (yes, I live in the South), my close colleague brought up a topic. She's been observing other parents in the neighborhood "talking trash" in front of their children. I had to think about it. As a practicing Tibetan Buddhist one of the sacred vows is not to gossip. I take that vow seriously. Granted, I am not perfect but I strongly believe in the power of positive talk to influence a child's healthy development.

And I know firsthand how much negative talk or gossip and well-intentioned but wrong words can hurt. So we explored this topic together and agreed that many parents without much forethought talk poorly about:

- Teachers at School
- Other Kids
- Family Members
- Authority Members (Priests, Rabbis, Neighbors)
- Spouses

Imagine a child that goes to school but has a parent talk poorly about their teacher - how can Little Lucy develop respect, confidence, trust and belief in their teacher now? The voice of their parents is one of the most influential components of their development. It trumps everything.

Positive Parents

So we agreed that not gossiping about others is essential to positive parenting. It is actually a cornerstone of raising kids to care, feel compassion for others, and develop their own judgment, sound social skills and a true understanding of when it is skillful to speak.

Learning to use your speech and the power of your voice as sacred is an important lesson. It becomes even more important when you are raising a child to become a person of character, credibility, honesty and discernment so you can teach your child to look at others positively and through a skillful lens.

You see, gossip or "trash talk" teaches your child that:

· What you say doesn't matter
· Words don't have power
· Speaking behind someone's back is okay
· Your speech doesn't have consequences
· It's okay to spread rumors, insult or judge

All of this is not somewhat incorrect - it is totally wrong. Words do matter. Wars have been fought over them. Gossiping doesn't feel truly good for the person doing it nor does it feel good when the person gossiped about finds out (and they often do!). Becoming a parent that is a role model of "right speech" is helpful in raising a child that develops an honest character and reputation that others can respect.

Boomerang Basics

Buddhists call it karma. Kids understand the idea of a boomerang. What goes around comes around. It really is the law of cause and effect that helps most people curb their habit of gossiping. I mean no one on the planet wants to be gossiped about? And if you gossip about others, say poor things or talk trash and be unkind - it's likely that exact experience will be returned to you sooner or later.

Wouldn't you want a boomerang of kindness, generosity and positive words to come your way? Then that as a parent is what you'll need to be growing, sending out your mouth and watch returned to you. And isn't now the best time to try it?

© 2009 by Maureen Healy
Growing Happy Kids
No portion of this Blog may be reproduced, shared or disseminated without express permission of the author. www.growinghappykids.com

Raising Happy Kids

Maureen Healy — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 20:05:20 +0000

Childhood is an incredibly sensitive time when the seeds of happiness are planted. It is such seeds that help a child form a positive self-concept, worldview and connection to all of humanity. Internal qualities to develop that contribute to happiness are kindness, compassion, self-confidence, self-trust, equanimity, courage, generosity, gratitude and optimism.

Eastern thinkers have reminded us that true, and lasting happiness stems from an internal state of mind. Like His Holiness the Dalai Lama explained, "Happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors." Influencing the formation of a child's positive attitude and skillful worldview is positive parenting. It is step one in raising a happy child.

Helping a child feel good about him or herself and learn how to cultivate a mental state that supports positive emotions (love, generosity, joy, kindness) while diminishing negative states (sadness, anger, fear, jealousy, hatred) is the path towards fostering happiness in kids.

Happy Kids

So what does a happy child look like? You know. Sally has a smiling face. Chris cheers on his sister at a soccer game. Happy kids aren't perfect kids but they often look at the positive side of life, and feel good about what is happening in and around them. It has been my observation and research that happy kids are also marked by 3 distinct experiences in childhood. They are:

Helpful to Others - Happy Kids learn early-on that helping others is not only a kind thing to do but helps them feel good too. Adults can call it charitable works, generosity, compassion, volunteerism or just plain niceness to help others out. It may holding a door open for an elderly person, writing a "Get Well" card to Grandma or donating food to a food bank.
Unique Expression - Happy Kids are encouraged to express their unique creativity and talents. Parents, adults and caregivers encourage children to discover and explore their unique interests from painting to learning a new language. So Pamela is given piano lessons because of her enthusiasm and interest in the piano (not her parents!).
Safe and Supported - Happy Kids feel safe and secure in their households. They are not worried about their drunken mothers or fathers hitting them or other types of family abuse. Such kids feel safe in their home environments both physically and emotionally. Words spoken to kids are supportive and encouraging so they begin to believe the world will support them, and life can be fun.

Positive Parenting

Raising happy kids takes time, effort and dedication to bringing out their best. Every child is also unique and different. There really is no effective "cookie cutter" approach to raising happy kids - just effective tools and a well paved path to follow from those who came before us. It is helpful to remember even though happiness is a popular topic in the West today - people have studied it, explored it and experienced it for thousands of years.

So I invite you along to stay connected and stay tuned into my Blog as I explore how to raise happier and more confident kids over the coming months.

© 2009 by Maureen Healy
No portion of this article may be reproduced in any format without express permission of the author, Maureen D. Healy. Maureen is the founder of Growing Happy Kids, a worldwide organization focused upon fostering happiness in children. www.growinghappykids.com

Money Messages

Maureen Healy — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 18:49:22 +0000

There is a secret psychology of money. Most people don't know about it.
- T. Harv Eker, author of Secrets of the Millionaire MInd

I believe this to be true! Money is not an "outside" game but something that we begin to "internalize" as children. Really. What did your parents teach you about money? Did they say "money doesn't grow on trees!" or "money is the root of all evil?" If so, you have either gained positive money management skills on your own or like many, it is something that we can continue to uproot the "money weeds" and plant "prosperity seeds."

Money Messages

Children are incredibly perceptive. They pick up your spoken and unspoken cues about money too. Even if you think they are not "listening in" to your adult conversation about the mortgage, credit cards, tuition and medical costs - they are likely paying attention. I promise.

So many of the signals kids pick up are not even consciously created. Take this one for example. Kristen, a mother of 3, was looking to find a "special dress" for an upcoming charity event. She looked all around town bringing her kids on the dress hunt. Everyone could just feel it was a special occasion! Then after the event her youngest son, Owen age 5, asked how the Jones who held the event made their money? Did they win the lottery? Kristen was amazed. She never mentioned money once but her son was actively trying to put the money puzzle together.

All kids are the same. They want happiness. And they want to figure out how money figures into that equation.

Another example is Angie, age 4, who came to see me because of persistent behavioral outbursts (biting others). Her parents were getting divorced and she was "acting out" in preschool. So as we talked it soon became clear that Angie thought her parents were breaking-up over money. "Money no good" she said. Ouch. This is really a money weed.

One last example is Justin, age 10, who attends an inner city public school full of kids from every background. His Dad, a very successful entrepreneur, gives Justin a little extra lunch money daily and tells his son "to share with others" especially if they need it. Now this is a positive and powerful money message: there is more than enough and extra is to be shared.

Parenting for Prosperity

Money beliefs and feelings run deep. Many are even unconscious but still influencing our day-to-day actions and results around money. Bringing our inner money beliefs into the open and deciding which ones to keep, discard and cultivate is important work - not just for you but also for your child.

Take my friend Judy for example. She is now a very successful psychologist with a worldwide practice but before this career, Judy made some unskillful choices. She said, "I heard my parents fight daily about money and as a child promised myself never to do that. Long story short it led me to take my first jobs just for the money which always turned out poorly!"

So like it or not, you are intentionally or unintentionally shaping your child's beliefs and feelings around money. Ponder some of these questions in the privacy of your heart and mind:

Do I create an overall family atmosphere of abundance or lack?
Do I encourage my child to "follow their bliss" with the idea they can be paid for their unique skills?
Do I positively talk about money, ways to make it, save it, earn it and share it with my children?
Do I encourage my child to say "thank you" and feel grateful no matter what shows up?
Do I take advantage of "teachable moments" when they arise regarding money?

Sending children signals that they are safe, secure and supported in this world is essential for optimum development. It isn't easy either sometimes. I realize that more and more parents are faced with foreclosure, financial crises, joblessness and situations unexpected.

With that said, these hard economic times will pass but whatever messages you send to your child - those are likely to have a lasting impact.

The Money Puzzle

Every kid looks to their parents and key adults for messages on how to make sense of their inner and outer world. Money is a key piece of that puzzle. It is one that we can no longer ignore or pretend isn't on the table. Children pick up the verbal and non-verbal cues being sent to them about money and it's relation to one's happiness.

Sending a child intentional messages about how money is a positive means for creative exchange and can help nurture oneself and others encourages a child's healthy development. Like Norman Vincent Peale stated, empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that.

By Maureen Healy © 2009
Growing Happy Kids, www.growinghappykids.com
All rights reserved. Permission must be granted directly by the author for reprinting, or use in any format.

More Information
2009 - Credit Union National Association Report
Financial Literacy Programs Targeted on Pre-School Children

2009 - Money Matters - Talking to Kids about Economic Ups an Downs
By Anita Gurian

2009 - 7 ways to raise kids who can hold onto money
by Terry Savage

2005 - Secrets of the Millionaire Mind
T. Harv Eker

2005 - The Automatic Millionaire
David Bach

Games for Growth

Maureen Healy — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 15:35:47 +0000

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly
- Steven Wright, Comedian

This made me laugh! Wright is both silly and serious in his humor. A good friend of mine has always told me he was "serious about the silly" and I admired that in him. Humor, laughter, play, light heartedness and family harmony have the ability to be forces for good in a child's development. So taking the nudge from Hasbro's challenge today - I suggest you spend a little quality time with your child tonight playing a game.

Playful Parenting

Games are great opportunities to guide a child's growing mind. It is in these everyday moments that children create a sense of self, connection to others and view of the world.

So as you play together tonight, be sure to:

- Encourage your child - Children of all ages need encouragement the same way plants need water. It is essential to their healthy development. Playing a game together is a playful yet purposeful way of sending your child a palpable message that you believe in his or her skills and abilities right now. Such communication along with words of encouragement (i.e. You can do it) helps a child begin to create his or her own sense of self-confidence.

- "See" your child mastering a skill - Children need to feel that they are growing skills. Observing your child gain a new skill is extraordinary for you and them. It also gives your child the opportunity to "show off" his or her new ability to win at Checkers, put a 250-piece puzzle together or solve the mystery in Clue.

- Offer Praise - Praise is a powerful tool to propel a child's positive sense of self. Offering a child praise tied specifically to his or her ability to complete a task like a new puzzle helps that child feel strong, capable and able right now. And the more a child internalizes such feelings he or she begins crafting a positive self-concept and courageous worldview (i.e. resilient).

Games for Growth

One of my fondest memories is playing dominoes with my father. He is now passed but our times sitting at the picnic bench, sipping iced tea and chatting over a seemingly simple game taught me about the world. The same goes for you and your child. So here are some age-appropriate game suggestions:

3 - 5 yrs - Games in this age group tend to be involving physical interaction like blocks, puzzles and Legos. Adults that get involved at the level of the child are skillful in creating a positive connection fostering their development (cognitive, mental, emotional, physical). In other words, get on the floor and really play together.

5 - 8 yrs - Children in this age group often want to use more complex problem solving versus solely physical games. Some games are: Checkers, Jenga, Dominoes, and Playing Cards.

8 - 12 yrs - Older children can often harness the power of words, numbers and combining different scenarios more easily challenging their parents in a game. Some games are: Scrabble, Boggle, Yahtzee, Pictionary, Monopoly, Clue and Connect4. Clue even has a new Secrets & Spies edition that incorporates decoding hidden text messages to capture more techno savvy audiences.

Key Messages

Along with encouraging your child and fostering the development of a positive self-concept - games provide ample opportunity to teach your child about honesty, teamwork, turn-taking, fairness, losing gracefully, listening and patience. And it is these skills of social and emotional awareness that are evidenced to be crucial in helping your child live their best life. So enjoy playing a game together knowing that what your child learns is far more than who did it in the conservatory with the candlestick!

By Maureen Healy
© Copyright, 2009
www.growinghappykids.com

No portion of this may be reproduced without written permission of the author.

Raising a Confident Child

Maureen Healy — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 21:19:11 +0000

The roots of self-confidence are born or broken in childhood. Early experiences shape our sense of self. It is often just little words that wound kids or empower their dreams. So having a heightened awareness as to the enormous power of your words and communication to kids is essential for fostering confidence in children.

Cultivating Confidence

Confidence literally means "with trust" or "with faith" and this seems correct to me. A confident child demonstrates self-trust in his or her abilities. Such confidence is developed over time but it is shaken or supported by the surrounding adults. Cultivating confidence in children takes time, effort and mindfulness. Some key tips are:

· Mirror - Mirror back to your child his or her strengths, skills and qualities that create a positive view of self. Julie, age 5, played "Mary had a little lamb" by memory on my piano last week. Every child in the room was happy and excited to sing along. Soon Julie's mom made her way to Julie and said "Thank you Sweetheart! You are so talented" and so quickly did you see Julie's confidence soar.

· Encourage - Every child needs encouragement. It is encouragement that actually enables a child to risk becoming more and believing in him or her self. Not long ago I watched Joshua ride his bicycle for the first time without training wheels along with his Dad's encouragement! His positive sense of self was palpable.

· Extend Trust - Extend trust to your child. Let him or her know that you believe in their abilities. For example, Erin volunteered to make the salad for her family. She was a little nervous but had watched her mother make it almost nightly. Instead of micromanaging her, Erin's mom said, "I trust you to make a great salad!" Although this sounds like an itty-bitty thing to a child it's a positive emotional message being sent to her. She begins creating positive self-thoughts such as "I can do it" and "I am capable."

· Let them "Show Off" - Give your child an opportunity to show you and others their skills. It may be doing summersaults, singing, hula hoping or completing a complicated puzzle all alone. Whatever the skill give your child a chance to shine!

· View mistakes as gifts - Like Elizabeth Kubler-Ross stated, "There are no mistakes, no coincidences. Just gifts given to us to learn from" and I believe this to be true. Helping a child shape a worldview where mistakes are not only expected but accepted as necessary parts of his or her growth is essential - it helps them feel good regardless of whether they fail or succeed at a task.

· Praise them - Praise your child and not necessarily what they do. A common mistake in parenting is to solely focus on what your child does (i.e. plays violin, gets good grades) versus who your child is in this moment. Children grow confidence from feeling good about who they are on the inside and trusting whoever they are is good, capable, smart and able to face whatever life presents them (i.e. bully or a best friend).

· Be Confident - Children imprint what they see and look to model the behavior of the honored people in their life. So working on being the confident adult that you are (or can become!) will enormously help develop this quality in your child.

Simple but not easy

Saying all the right things to children isn't always easy. It takes effort and mindfulness. Some straightforward things that undermine a child's confidence are listed below. Please avoid the following:

· Harsh Criticism
· Questioning Them (constantly)
· Praising Solely Actions (not them)
· Discouraging Exploration
· Comparing them to other kids

Each of these may sound so obvious but it does take mindfulness and awareness in what you say as well as the nonverbal communication that you send to your child (i.e. emotions, body language). I am a firm believer that children digest the words and feelings all around them like food.

Confidence as Core

"Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy," explained Norman Vincent Peale. I believe this to be true. Confidence is a prerequisite to pursuing your dreams, believing in your talents and paving your unique path of highest potential. So mindfully cultivating self-confidence in children is really giving them a foundation upon which their own happiness can grow!

By Maureen Healy
No portion of this work may be reproduced in any form without written permission of the author. © 2009
www.growinghappykids.com
Follow me on Twitter (mdhealy)

Sound Parenting

Maureen Healy — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 14:37:53 +0000

Sound is key to a child's emotional development. Not just playing commercialized programs like Baby Mozart but actually intentionally using sound to propel a child's growth is very, very powerful. After all it is the sound of praise, encouragement, unconditional love and laughter that empowers a child's best life.

Day One

Sound is critical in development since day one. Newborns can discern between frequency and pitch while 1 - 2 month olds distinguish sounds and rhythm. It is commonly believed the first year of life is a critical period for learning the sounds of a language and developing an interest in communicating with others. I assert that such communication is not just of the cognitive nature but emotional as well.

My earliest memory is being two years old and sitting in a playpen. I was looking around thinking "how did I get here" and "why is everyone yelling at each other" while I was feeling really overwhelmed. Perhaps this is too much information but what I am trying to convey is the sounds of language that I was hearing were not just "words" but "emotional messages" being sent to me.

A child begins to develop an understanding of their emotions via what is mirrored back to them in sounds. Such sounds can be a calming parents voice or gentle music that is helps a child feel safe, secure and calm.

Sound Suggestions

Using sound can take many forms to spur a child's optimum growth. Such sounds when conveyed with genuine enthusiasm, unconditional acceptance and positive intention can spark a child's healthy emotional growth. Some suggestions are as follows:

· Reading - Taking the time to read to your child conveys such crucial emotional messages. It tells a child - You are valuable, you are worthy and you are loved. It is such messages of emotional import that begin to build a child's sense of self and positive self-concept. Plus it develops a child's auditory acuity as they begin to develop listening skills.

· Laughing - Sounds of laughter heal and lift a heart like nothing else on the planet. Evidence suggests that comedy routines and laughter have physical healing benefits as well as those that laugh actually live longer and more satisfying lives. So invest in the sounds of funny children's songs or books like Dr. Cowan's the "Moose with Loose Poops" book that is both educational and silly.

· Singing - Music connects children to their creativity. It inspires more from them to sing, chant, and connects them to a higher plane of consciousness. Earlier this month I attended a night of Sacred Chants with children chanting such beautiful sacred sounds like "Om Mane Padme Hung" that you could see them brighten up! It is a Tibetan Chant or mantra of compassion. Helping children use their voice also helps them learn to self-soothe and direct their emotions.

· Talking - New parents often may the mistake of just "baby talking" to their kids when actual language or talking to kids is essential. Tying language to sensory input like a child seeing birds or touching toys is very helpful. It is language by which a brain develops its ability to direct thoughts, feelings and behavior. So really -talk away with your child, I promise they get far more than you think they do!!!

· Silence (or nature) - The sound of silence is powerful. It is here in the silence of meditation or stillness that a child really learns how to connect to his or her unique dreams, feelings and wishes. Meditating together as a family is powerful stuff. Not long ago, I led a group of 20 children in a group meditation with kids from 3 to 12 years old. And the sound of silence was extraordinary since it calmed their mind and empowered their ability to be still and experience peace.

Sound Parenting

Being able to use the power of sound to spur your child's growth is essential. It begins with recognizing the extraordinary ability your voice as a parent holds and continues in creating an environment of optimum sounds for a child's happy growth (i.e. laughter, pleasant music, sounds of nature). And never forget what you teach your child, you teach your child's child as explained in the Talmud.

[Sidenote: New parents beware of the types of sounds your children are listening to early in development. Kids learn to distinguish sounds one by one so some children's programs are actually too noisy for optimal growth. Be aware of this fact so that you can avoid noise overload for your child. Noise overload creates problems for kids later in life having difficulty with teacher directions, listening and tuning out unnecessary noises.]

By Maureen Healy
Reprinted only with written permission by author.

© Growing Happy Kids, LLC
www.growinghappykids.com

Follow me on twitter (mdhealy)

Intentions (Kid-Style!)

Maureen Healy — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 15:17:55 +0000

Sending kids back to school includes a flurry of activities such as acquiring school supplies, clothes, and gear to arm your child for a new wave of learning. It is also a time of constant change with summer ending quickly and school beginning soon. Such change often elicits a wide array of emotions in kids such as excitement to see friends, nervousness to start a new school and a little scared feeling since there are so many new things (i.e. grade, teachers, friends, schoolwork). So ushering kids through such change successfully is greatly helped by connecting them to something greater (i.e. dreams, hopes, unique talents and creativity). It is this connection that has the potency to inspire their best efforts and most enjoyable year!

Setting School Intentions

Connecting kids to their dreams is powerful. Erin, age 8, is starting third grade and wants to be a rocket scientist (literally). Last week, we sat down and decided what she needed to do in third grade to really feed her enthusiasm. We came up with three goals: A) save up her allowance and purchase a microscope, B) go see the star show at the local planetarium and C) research and talk to a real-live rocket scientist. Erin felt she absolutely 150% felt like these were goals that she could do in third grade along with the "regular" reading, writing and arithmetic program.

Every child is uniquely talented. Encouraging your child's interests and connecting them to their strengths is positive parenting. I believe such a connection is best fostered in helping kids not just head back to school aimlessly but through focusing their minds - or setting specific school-year intentions.

Here's another example. Matthew, age 10, loves music. He has been really, really wanting to learn a musical instrument such as the guitar, banjo or ukulele. So we sat down and focused his mind! What does he really want to do? A) Listen to each instrument live and pick one to learn, B) Purchase one used or new (with help from parents) and C) Take lessons. So along with the traditional school program Matt is thrilled that this year, he will also live his musical dream.

Every child so deeply wants to express his or her unique talents. And even though life gets busy and frantic - I promise taking the time to set some clear and identifiable goals that empower your child's interests is really at the heart of true education.

Enlightened Education

So as more and more adults are mindfully raising their children to express their unique talents, empower their dreams and become their best selves - this world is transforming. It is this evolution that is speeded up by the power of a child's focused mind to manifest their dreams into reality. And isn't that every parents wish - to see their child's dreams come true?

Maureen is an expert in children's emotional health and guides parents on how to bring out the best in their children. More information: www.growinghappykids.com

Choices

Maureen Healy — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 16:14:04 +0000

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J.K. Rowling

Isn't that the truth! And it seems so potent coming from Rowling who herself is the quintessential rags to riches story in 5 years. Such a story comes from making smart choices, not necessarily easy choices but smart choices. Surely it wasn't easy to work full-time, write the first Harry Potter book in long hand and then receive a boatload of rejections. But with persistence and repeatedly making smart choices (not perfect but each one smarter) her best self began to unfold.

And isn't that our deepest wish as parents, educators and adults - to guide children in making smart choices that help propel them forward versus hold them back. No longer are children to be controlled but rather cultivated. And part of cultivating happy and healthy children is letting them make their own choices, loving them unconditionally (so when they make poor choices) and directing them to make smart choices.

Choices Change Everything

A child with choices feels empowered, intelligent and capable to face whatever life presents. Sam, age 4, is often given choices. He is a highly sensitive child that wants to feel valued and respected despite his lack of years. In other words, if you force Sam to do something - it is likely he will throw a temper tantrum because what he deeply wants is his intelligence, sensitivity and innovativeness respected versus devalued (forced to do something). So working with Jeanne and John, I helped them uncover their child's needs as a highly sensitive child and suggested a parenting approach that uses choices to help foster a partnership between parents and child. The results were amazing! Tantrums were cut in ½ and everyone was happier.

Giving kids opportunities to make choices also helps them learn how to develop self-confidence, self-trust and an overall positive belief in their capability to navigate this world.

Kids also learn how to make smart choices like everyone else. A little bit of trial and error is involved. So extending an unconditionally loving support system is essential to a child as they learn how to make smarter choices. Anna, age 8, took her math test without much preparation (poor choice) and got a terrible grade. Mistakenly her parents told her how disappointed they were with her and that it wasn't good enough. Anna felt terrible like she wasn't good enough. It is a common parenting mistake.

A better approach would have been to hug Anna and provide her with unconditional support. She is loved regardless of the test grade and yes, it was not an ideal grade but you can encourage her to try again and spend more time (smarter choice) studying for the exam. Plus you can be fully honest and explain that we all fall down and it's in getting back up again that is the smartest choice.

Choices Often (but not always)

Providing children choices is powerful. It encourages partnership, participation and cooperation. Like Sam whose behavior immediately improved once he started to have choices. Such choices helped Sam feel more "in control" versus being controlled. And due to Sam's nature of being highly sensitive he was easily upset when he didn't either have choices or understand the situation.

So giving kids choices can be a powerful tool in parenting. It is also not a blanket remedy. There are times when it is best to be the "authority figure" and give children no choices or negotiate choices with them. For example, Erin is required to do her homework each night. It is not a choice. Her mom, Andy, took the time to explain to Erin that completing homework is necessary to progress in school.

Such a "positive and firm" parenting approach teaches children how to apply self-control and self-discipline in their life. It is an essential teaching. Without it children don't learn how to self-regulate their mind, body or emotions. And since kids are growing at such rapid rates with an emotional intensity unparalleled it is really the healthy adults in their life that need to set boundaries and identify the "choice moments" when kids greatly benefit from the power of being given a choice.

Impact

So as more and more kids learn how to make smart choices and choose from a place of strength - the world will transform. More and more people will be expressing their unique "inner Rowling" thus bringing their talents forward and contributing in ways unimagined. Now isn't this a goal worth working for?

[Sidenote: Books have been written on these topics so these topics are complex. Ideas presented here are to stimulate some original thinking and begin a new dialogue about the power of giving kid's choices - especially the highly sensitive kids.]

By Maureen Healy
Twitter (mdhealy)

Awakening Awareness

Maureen Healy — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 16:32:27 +0000

Automatic parenting strikes again. Within 5 hours I observed 3 incidences of parents running on "automatic" mode without any seeming awareness as to how crucial their words, actions and behavior are to their child. I am not looking for perfection but I do wish to see more and more parents operating from a positive parenting style. This means less use of profanities, less threatening children with spanking and less discouragement. It is parenting from an informed optimistic, encouraging and conscious place.

Such parenting I know is happening. More parents have also been coming into my purview that really are being "positive and firm" in their approach, which is evidenced over and over again as the most effective parenting approach. It only happens through reviewing your automatic parenting style, assessing what works and what doesn't and then consciously seeking to parent in a fashion that supports your child's unique development - now this is awakening parental awareness.

Awakening Parental Awareness

So the three incidents I refer to happened in the supermarket, bookstore and coffee shop. I felt as if the universe was giving me a message. One I didn't ignore. Dad at the supermarket threatened his son with spanking, and said it was "gonna hurt" with his fist raised. Grandma in the bookstore looked at her energetic grandson and said, "What is wrong with you?" as if his exuberance needed to be squelched. And the finale was the coffee shop where mom used 4-letter words as adjectives, verbs and nouns when speaking to her sensitive teenager. He looked mortified.

So where does this leave us? I believe each of us on a regular basis need to step-back and take a review of our:

· Words - Words have the power to propel a child's best life or discourage his or her dreams. Be careful in your words. Not perfect but thoughtful. And kids fully accept apologies as well as most can extend a level of forgiveness and compassion for you. "Mommy has had a tough day at work, and needs a few minutes" is perfectly acceptable upon coming home.

· Actions - Do your words and actions match? My mother always used to say, "do as I say, not as I do" and as a kid this never made sense to me. It still doesn't. A parents words and actions are ideally in alignment so that children truly can learn how to become authentic and trust that it is not only okay, but supported in this world.

· Feelings - Feelings really are indicators. If you are feeling incredibly frustrated, unsupported or angry with your spouse or kids - it might be a time for you to take a "time out." Really. Your feelings matter and as you take better care of your own emotional well being such gains naturally spill into your parenting style.

· Thoughts - Our thoughts truly create our worlds. So being mindful of how we think about our kids is essential. In other words, don't label them even in your mind (i.e. the smart one, the quiet one, the bad math student, the slow one). Focus upon your child's unique and positive qualities (i.e. excellent painter, mechanically skilled, gifted singer) as well as thinking positive thoughts about him or her will be a priceless gift. It may not be easy as your 2 year old is crayoning the wall to see his or her artistic talent --- but try, just a little bit.

Words, actions, feelings and thoughts that convey similar encouraging messages are at the heart of positive parenting. It is parenting with a deepened awareness as you raise these highly intelligent children. And because I am so darn passionate about this topic I will share with you some ways to awaken your parenting awareness.

Keys to Awareness

Awareness is a journey not a destination. So wherever you are on your path of developing your awareness there are tools and teachers to help you. And since awareness is personal, I will share with you some key experiences that have worked for myself as well as others:

- Get a Teacher - Find someone that you really resonate with about deepening your awareness or refining your parenting approach. It's a small plug but please forgive me. I teach a workshop called the "Tao of Parenting" that teaches parents how to deepen their awareness as well as develop parenting techniques for the highly creative, intelligent and sensitive child. I am honored to be a witness to such courageous parents as they hone their conscious parenting style.

- Commit to It - Decide that parenting with a little more awareness or mindfulness is something you really want to do and do right. Once you make the mental and emotional dedication to it - it just happens without resistance and so much easier. Think also about committing to something to support your decision. One thing that helped me was attending a regularly weekly meditation class from a qualified teacher.

- Learn - Pick up books, information or connect with those similar to you that are on a path of parenting as well as raising your consciousness for the good of you as well as your child or children. Two books I enjoy are: How to See Yourself as You Really Are by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Present Moment Awareness by Shannon Duncan.

- Show Up - I believe showing up is over 50% of the key. So many of us have good intentions, worthy aims and great ideas but when push comes to shove we don't go to that class, forget nurturing ourselves or place a priority on spending focused quality time with our child. I encourage each of you to show-up fully for yourself, your dreams and your child.

- Slow Down - I once had a friend say to me, "slow down to go fast" and I got it. It's the proverbial turtle and hare story, the turtle won by going slower. Faster only gets you to your destination quicker, it still may not be the right destination. By learning to go slower, become mindful and pay attention --- you actually arrive exactly where you wanted to be as a parent faster and with more awareness.

So each of these may sound simple. Usually the practice is harder. But I encourage you wherever you are on this great path and mystery we call life to delve deeper into developing your own awareness for the benefit of yourself as well as others. You may decide to do more journal writing, group meditation classes, listening to lectures, taking more slow contemplative walks or solely being more present. I salute your willingness to explore and go deeper. It really is in the day-to-day steps that great strides are made - this much I know is true.

By Maureen Healy, Follow me on twitter (mdhealy)