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Earlier today, a client called me to ask "Is my eleven year-old daughter ready for Facebook?" It was a really good question and one this mom had been wrestling with all day. Since she is not a FB person herself she wanted to know the deeper issues: Is my daughter safe online? How can I protect her from negative influences? Are all FB 'friends' good ones? How do I monitor her activity? Is she old enough to navigate the world of social media?
Entering Facebook
Facebook's policy is that users need to be 13 and older. This seems straightforward except the reality is that most sixth graders (11 year olds) are asking their parents, "Can I get on Facebook?" Similar to PG-13 movies most kids have seen one by the age of 8 versus waiting till they are 13 - the guidance given to parents doesn't seem based in reality.
So I am going to share in this blog a few key questions to determine if your child is "Facebook Ready" so that you can support your child's healthy development in the real-world.
But before I do, I want to underscore the point that every child is different. There is no blanket answer as to the best age of when a child has enough sound judgment, social skills, emotional intelligence and strength of character although there is a developmental milestone of 12 where kids seem more adept at making smarter choices.
The Facebook Questions
Sharing these questions, my intention is to have you think beyond the superficial question of what your child is asking. He or she is really yearning for a strong social connection (online and in-person), support, encouragement and inspiration in a playful way.
Is your child:
- Strong enough to 'defriend' someone or say 'please do not post on my wall' if it's something inappropriate?
- Willing to ignore or deny friend requests from people they don't know?
- Willing to friend you so you can monitor his or her activity? And also share his or her username and password?
- Surrounded by a positive circle of friends? (to the best of your knowledge)
- Respectful of time limits set on computer time?
- Skilled socially and adheres to "golden rule"? (i.e. no bullying tendencies)
- Open with questions to you? Can you trust your child to come to you about questions they have on FB about posting, commenting and if they are unsure of something?
If you answer "YES" to most of these questions then your child might be a good FB user. I want to emphasize I am by no means suggesting FB is a good thing for young tweens before 13 but it seems to be a reality - and I much prefer answering real questions that are on the minds of parents.
Facebook Done Right
Using Facebook as a way to make your world even better is a great idea. Here is how three kids have done that (with permission from their parents):
- Aurelia, age ten, lives in North Carolina with her mother and sees her Dad for the summer in Missouri. Her folks are divorced. In the school year, Aurelia really missed her father and yearned to connect more - while FB provided the perfect way to do that! She shared photos from her school play, stories about her new pet Hamster, how she did on EOG's (end of year grades) and genuinely felt more connected to him.
- Matt, age eleven, goes to a Spiritual Center with his parents every week and also attends the school affiliated with this community. At age eleven, he pleaded to get onto FB and said "all my friends are on it, why can't I?" so his parents agreed to a 60-day trial. His FB 'friends' are kids from his classes and mostly adults from this center. Matt wrote last week, "I hate my new braces" on his wall and minutes later was bombarded with words of encouragement. FB can really serve to uplift kids if done right. (His parents now let him use it regularly)
- Hunter, age thirteen, loves to laugh. His mother, Mary, is a regular FB user and actually runs her own Mommy Blog so she's very technologically savvy. When her son Hunter asked to "get on" FB at 12 she agreed with the condition that he 'friend' her and provide her his username & password - so he did. Mary now says, "I love to see Hunter on FB because he shares funny animal videos, jokes, wishes people Happy Birthday and brings a smile to so many people's faces!" FB can really serve as a place where kids express themselves.
Each of these kids yearned for a little more - whether it was connection, encouragement or a place to freely express their personalities. I can say each of their parents was also actively involved with Facebook monitoring while doing their best to provide them freedom. It's a fine line to walk and one we as parents are always "on the job" figuring out.
The Final Answer
Ultimately, the age a child is "Facebook Ready" really depends upon their emotional, mental, and social development. Do they have the inner strength to stand up for themselves? Defriend someone? Report any "funny" happenings to their parents? Are their intentions good (i.e. wanting to laugh, connect) versus wanting to spy on other kids? Are they developing good 'time management skills' or are they prone to excessive computer time?
Answering these questions honestly, weighing the fact FB was created for people 13 years-old and up and also looking at your unique situation - I know you'll be better positioned to decide if the time is right now for you child to become your 'friend' on FB or not!
By Maureen Healy
Founder of Growing Happy Kids
Free parenting tips:
www.growinghappykids.com
Follow on Twitter: mdhealy
