The Inevitable

No one on earth is spared from loss. It is a common human experience bonding us all together. During 9-11, I ran a Crisis Center in New York City witnessing the same emotion outpoured from all walks of life. Loss is guaranteed. Learning how to cope with loss in a skillful manner, as an adult, then extending such insight to children is often where a child can be most helped.

Children also experience loss differently depending upon their age, development and unique situation (i.e. context). For example, Erin age 3, was told her Grandmother died. She immediately thought that Grandma must have done something wrong. So often part of guiding a child through grief is clearing up misconceptions, concerns and sharing real information. Another example, Virginia age 5, after her grandmother died was afraid to leave her parents.

Loss can be defined as the "disappearance of something that was cherished, such as a person, possession or property" stated Kristi Dyer, MD. It doesn't discriminate while touching everyone's life (i.e. loss of health, employment, housing, life etc...). And kids losses are many, none of them insignificant.

Lessons of Loss

Every child is different. There is no "cookie cutter" process to help your child perfectly process, cope with and understand loss right now. With that said there are key elements of helping a child skillfully process a loss and make it a stepping-stone versus stumbling block. Three of those elements are:

· Exit the loss - Every child needs to exit the deep emotions associated with his or her loss. Such feelings of grief may be sadness, fear, misery, emptiness, confusion, anger, frustration, denial, relief and hurt. Losses can be exited a number of ways but they need an outlet (i.e. creative such as drawing, painting, running, reading, crying, talking or more). Anna, age 8, saw her cat killed by a truck. It was a tremendous loss compounded by actually seeing it. Her parents gave her time, spoke to her about loss and encouraged her (directed her) to get it out via her favorite hobby - drawing. It gradually worked and provided one of many ways, she exited her deep emotions.

· Don't try to "fix it" - Honesty really is the best policy. Kim, age 4, had a turtle that died. Her mother ran out and bought a new one (so Kim wouldn't notice it). Kim came home from preschool and the first thing she said, "Where's Wilbur?" and her mom was wide-eyed. Apparently this new turtle didn't have the pretty marking like Wilbur did on his neck. Needless to say don't try to fix a loss. To heal from loss, children must go through it (like all of us).

· Growth - Loss, no matter how painful, can be utilized as a process for growth. I understand this both clinically and personally. My mother died unexpectedly in a car accident. It was a time of great loss for me. It was also a time where I learned in every cell of my being how to put my Tibetan Buddhist studies into practice (using difficulties as fuel for developing compassion, inner strength and a deepening of my spiritual practice).

So loss, if explored, holds many lessons. It has the power to teach a child about this world's many beginnings and endings (i.e. the day, seasons, aging, butterflies and people). For example, Anna's mom helped her understand her pet loss in that teachable moment. Later, the concept of loss was re-explored and expanded to include other things (i.e. friends, health and people). Anna is beginning to form a worldview that includes things naturally being born and dying - the cycle of life.

Professional Help

Sometimes a professional is sorely needed to help a child process grief and loss. Some children get "stuck" in grief and their parent may not know how to guide them out. It is imperative in those situations that professional assistance is sought. Loss holds so much intensity and power that can be harnessed to be a "force for good" that it is essential to a child's development that it is done so. Unfortunately, grief or loss unmanaged can manifest as illness or behavioral problems.

Another loss situation where it is typical to get outside assistance is when it is a family member dies (i.e. parental, sibling) close to the child. Often their needs to be a separate space to process and understand what happened. And ultimately any loss has the potential to need outside assistance if the child begins to acts uncharacteristically (i.e. sleep changes, irresolvable fears, prolonged sadness and persistent violent outbursts).

Loss: A natural part of life

Loss is all around us from the joblessness rate to worldwide health epidemics. It is a constant. Helping your child to begin forming a cognitive framework that understands loss and death as natural components of living is skillful. It is like giving a gift to all the people he or she will ever meet, interact with, love and lose.

By Maureen Healy
© 2009
[This is a post written on the anniversary of 9-11 in 2009.  Due to the natural disaster in Haiti and many current requests from parents about how to cope with loss - Maureen is posting this from her archives today.]

Further Information:

The Grief Recovery Institute
http://www.grief-recovery.com/

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross Foundation
http://www.ekrfoundation.org/

Helping a Child Cope with Loss
http://www.me.ngb.army.mil/Family/Youth/Parents%20Page/Helping%20...

Words to Ponder

Through zeal, knowledge is gotten; through lack of zeal, knowledge is lost; let a man who knows the double path of gain and loss thus place himself that knowledge may grow.
Buddha

Learning how to get in touch with silence within yourself
and know that everything in this life has a purpose.
There are no mistakes, no coincidences.
All events are blessings given to us to learn from.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Earth hath no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.
Thomas Moore

Perhaps, they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy.
Eskimo legend

In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all...
Perfect relief is not possible, except with time.
You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better...
And yet this is a mistake.
You are sure to be happy again.
Abraham Lincoln