All too often parents bring me their child to give a "quick fix" so their depression lifts, anxiety lessens, mood improves or behavior is modified. I agree that children need an "emotional tune up" regularly however there is no magic wand. Sure, I can apply a psychological band-aid to the symptom and send them on their way. It just doesn't feel complete at that point. I believe the emotional roots of children are laid in the foundation of their worldview. In other words how children explain their worlds to themselves is a pivotal emotional springboard (i.e. values, beliefs, truths) for their actions.
The roots
Getting to the root beliefs a child holds is essential to create lasting and significant change in their emotional worlds. Most children have made connections such as good grades = parental approval. This immediately tells me that a child is going to seek external approval for her or his internal worth --- a set up for emotional failure. Or good behavior = good child. In other words a child often creates a worldview that is based upon the development of external action (versus internal qualities).
Take Amy, age 6, for example who is displaying qualities of perfectionism. One of her core beliefs is that if everything is perfect (i.e. in control) than others will like me and all is well. She has created a worldview that is unable to ever be obtained (i.e. perfection) thus setting her up for great emotional upsets. So our work is twofold: 1) Build immediate skills of emotional regulation and 2) Create a lasting understanding as to the causes of emotional well-being (i.e. not perfectionism).
Influencing a child's belief system starts internally. It is my experience that the more children understand the nature of reality (i.e. things always changing, interconnectedness), laws of cause and effect (i.e. karma), compassion and roots of happiness then they are more inclined to form a worldview based upon such skillful concepts. Teaching such basic Buddhist concepts to Western children wields great results. From Jacob teaching his Jewish preschool peers about being kind to bugs to Jill doing her Girl Scout project about karma --- children often get it.
Such teachings are a shift from the American way of focusing upon developing outer accomplishments (i.e. good grades, winning softball team and lots of friends) to a more internally focused value system (i.e. compassion with wisdom, kindness in action). It is the root of lasting emotional health thus building children of resilience, resourcefulness and righteousness.
Caused Happiness
"Happiness is not ready made. It comes from your own actions" stated his Holiness the Dalai Lama. I believe this to be true. Helping children gain immediate skills of emotional health is a necessary band-aid. Guiding them to "see" the world from a vantage point whereas they can generate their happiness through skillful concepts and right action is the real work, in my humble opinion.
By Maureen Healy
(c) 2009 www.growinghappykids.com
