Were your parents the perfect example of what not to do? Did they use a wooden paddle? Or say "because I said so" in response to your insatiable curiosity. Were you sent to your room repeatedly? Or told you couldn't do it? Was childhood something to survive versus thrive in? Surely, I met a paddle or two and have evolved beyond that paradigm. So have you. Our imperfect parents were perfect in revealing to us some less than optimum child-rearing methods. And just perhaps they were doing the best they could with the resources they had in those moments (i.e. emotional, mental, spiritual and financial).
The authentic shift
Parenting today is an emotionally integrated program. Gone are the days of solely seeking to control your child (i.e. sitting quietly at the table, do homework). It's a shift towards encouraging, empowering and developing skills of emotional health in your child (i.e. courage, confidence, compassion, character and self-regulation). We have arrived at a new evolutionary place in parenting. It's a style where most parents wish to be their genuine imperfect selves openly - its authentic parenting.
For example, Tina came home from a hugely busy day at the publishing house to a great big mess. Her knee jerk reaction kicked in and she screamed at her 4 year-old Tommy. It felt terrible. She knew her behavior wasn't appropriate. Tina kneeled down and told Tommy "I am sorry - Mommy wasn't very skillful in her behavior. It's not your fault" and he hugged her. Tommy then looked up wide-eyed and said "Mom, I love you. I understand." This simple act is profound.
Such acts plant seeds of honesty, open communication and emotional fuel to empower a child's truth. Children are constantly learning what their emotions are, how to feel them, what to do with them and if it's okay to express them in this emotionally turbulent world. Parenting with authenticity has potency. It is the first step in guiding a child to be courageously true to themselves and others. It is encouraging their emotional expansion for the benefit of all.
Like water
Children need genuine connections like plants need water. It is a must. In order for a child to healthfully develop into his or her best self there needs to be a place in their life where they feel safe, honest, open, trusted and valued. School may not be that place. Sometimes learning centers have very narrow views of intelligence, talent and creative freedom to express your true self. I certainly never understood learning sex education from catholic school nuns in 5th grade - it didn't make sense to me. Educational systems often have many of these paradoxes alive and well.
"Children learn to smile from their parents" stated Suzuki who introduced millions to his Suzuki method. I believe this to be true. Being a model of emotional health is powerful parenting. Not perfection but emotional honesty. It is what children need so desperately. Imprinting is not exclusive to the animal kingdom. Children are always observing how you feel anger, joy, frustration, contentment, success and express it in the world.
Recently, a famous research scientist credited his mother's parenting style for his modern day success. At age 2, he went over to the refrigerator got his bottle, let it slip from his hands and spilled the milk literally all over the floor. Mom came over with an even tempered response stating "What a wonderful mess! Want to play in it?" So he played and played. Upon finishing his mother then said "Well, that was a failed experiment - shall we try again outside with a new bottle?" A seed was planted within him that mistakes are the stepping stones of victory. Also, a skill of great emotional health.
Charting your course
Are you the master of your own emotional ship? Or do you get swayed by the constant influx of negative and afflictive states (i.e. anger, frustration, jealousy, sadness)? Are you proactive to create positive life conditions? Or seem to just be constantly reacting to one negative event after another? And perhaps you are somewhere in the middle. You have learned how to mostly regulate negative emotions, manage stress, foster positive feelings and pave a path of emotional well-being.
Mindfully creating an authentic parenting and personal style that fosters the best from you and others is a process. Keep at it. This work is extraordinary. It is your legacy. Through learning to use your emotional rudder well you simultaneously teach this power to your children (and their children and so on).
And remember
"To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition" is one of the most notable definitions of success as stated by Emerson.
By Maureen Healy
No portion of this may be reproduced without written permission by author.
(c) 2008, www.growinghappykids.com
Follow Me on Twitter (mdhealy)
