It’s difficult to talk about your sexual desires, even—or especially—to your lover. Here are some hints about hinting.
I want to have sex with other women.
So, you think I can float that idea easily?
I'm afraid that's a whole other subject than what I was writing about. But if you're serious, ask your wife if she'd consider changing the basic terms of your relationship. Be ready to hear either, "OK, but here's what I want," or "Sure, right after you pack up and move out." But more probably you'll hear a disappointed gasp, perhaps followed by weeping. And mistrust.
Let us know how it goes.
After spending 5 years looking for a relatively consistent partner to ride off with into the sunset (I'm female and 64) using online dating. My entire estimation of men has plummeted... all yes I did say ALL men my age seem to want is sex, although it's probably no different for any other women of whatever age. Now I'm no prude, still lubricating quite nicely and fully functional altho probably not as multi orgasmic as once upon a time, nor do I need it daily (not that that has been an option), but still, I do love my quota of sex too... but the kicker is I get no thrill out of objectified, crazy stranger sex. I want how most of my relationships under 40... you meet, get to know and like each other as people... and then have sex. Duhh.
But the present day reality is this:
- They won't even talk to you if they think you want that dastardly thing called a relationship... not marriage btw, even I don't want that again.
- They want you to act like you are madly in 'love' with them for a couple of hours and then wave goodbye never to be heard from again.
- They either can't get it up or need more and more kinky stimulation or brag about taking Viagra even tho they know it will probably kill them during those 4 times a year when someone gives them a try.
- Then many of these old goats want younger women (what they'll do with them over the long haul I have no idea, all the ones I've talked to ended up getting dumped after Barbie cleaned them out), which ok, is typical of men throughout millennia, but they are also rude assholes about it, thinking that just because they got some piece of fluff that they are all that. Pftt.
Now I tried some younger guys just to see if it was worth it... not for me apparently, all that energy or lack of experience can be downright exhausting! I guess I just like old experienced guys like me, who you can have a conversation with, have a past in common... gone through the same marriages, politicians, kids, divorces and the flow of time.
Anyway, so you were talking about sexual COMMUNICATION... well that's another black hole, a lot of men get really offended if you say you don't like that or prefer this... seriously, on average they run on automatic pilot and you as the female should shut up and be happy about it... what is up with that, aren't they grownups, haven't they lived a life? I've known for 45 years that while every guy may be generally the same as to wanting to insert bolt into nut, they are also DIFFERENT in how that becomes optimum for both and that half the fun is exploring and finding what floats his boat... but this is rarely a turnabout experience. So you're thinking to yourself, "Who are these guys and is this all they've learned over the last 4 decades?" Geesh.
So the last 5 years of being a lusty trollop after being a single mom and celibate for 17 years... has been a very rude awakening. Who knew? My original thought before going online was that the sheer odds would be in my favor, there would be at least some men like me, who had learned from their mistakes and successes, who wanted one last shot at a decent, emotionally and physically satisfying companionship for the last ride home. I've yet to see the same goals from any man online. So was it porn that twisted their humanity into the sex obsessed, actually getting somebody younger or is this the advent of detached, holographic sex with no need to commune/meld/learn with real women at all and is this what women have to look forward to in the future where we won't want or even need to couple up?
Me, I'm shaking my head in disgust... and not a little disappointment.
I know it must be very hard not to generalize about ALL men or ALL women, but I honestly believe there are exceptions out there. The only advice I can reasonably offer is to try a variety of other online and offline means of meeting guys. Some sites seem to attract more serious relationship-oriented men. The free ones are useless in that respect, in my (generalized!) experience. I know for a fact that there are men who want compatibility and friendship and intimacy as well as just plain sex.
I very rarely do commit the sin of saying 'all'... but I live in Italy and from objective observation... that indeed seems the case.
Now I've had some nice chats with Brits and Germans who seem a bit more level headed, but distance does become a problem when trying to get to know someone better.
I can't speak for all older men. I'm 56.
I came out of a sexless marriage, sexless for YEARS. Now, I'd like some sex, you'd think that's not so hard to understand.
However, all I hear from women around my age is that they want a "warm love and lots of cuddling..."
No thanks, that's the same as a sexless marriage. All older women want is a companion, you can hire one of those.
I have nothing against women my age, but they all seem to be ready to cash in to old age.
I get attention from younger women who want to have fun and actually want sex.
Can you blame me?
Here's something that may surprise you: Sex is more important to you now than it ever was. If you want a loving relationship, you need to learn to like sex again.
Nature will kick in a slow you both down, but at 64 there is no reason to be done with hot sex.
In GENERAL, what you're experiencing may have some truth. However, you also have to look to yourself. If the MAIN thing you want is sex, or the main thing you want about a woman is that she loves sex, you'll have a harder time among the older crowd. (You can hire that.) What a lot of lonely women want is a generous kind funny sexy guy who makes them want to have sex by being seductive, hopefully cute, and probably somewhat patient. Mostly, women get turned on by a particular guy, rather than just running around seeking sex. They want to know they aren't being judged too harshly for their aging bodies, that this person they're trusting likes them in more than one way.
Really, communicating about likes and preferences is, or can be, a good start.
That "cuddling" women say they want, if done right, will often translate into more. IF the warm feelings are there. However, if a woman isn't interested in sex anymore at all, I'd say move on.
Yes indeedy... "generous kind funny sexy". Yup.
It is the one dimension of so many of these guys that gets on your last nerve as a Human Being... ahh and the sex tends to be mediocre too, they were probably one trick ponies to begin with.
"Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with."
~ Mark Twain
“An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.”
― Aldous Huxley
The fact is you're getting the tail end of attention, because they look at you and see a grateful older billfold, but after another 5 years, trust me you'll be slowing down and so will the 'fun' and they'll be off to greener pastures.. when the dick is gone, then what, will your sexy memories keep you warm, care if you're dead or alive? I wouldn't bet on it.
So I took some liberty editing out most of the ad hominems:
YoshQ has commented on: "Why We Don't Talk About Sex"
"Subject: Anonymous, I'm kinda appalled Anonymous, I'm kinda appalled by your post.(edited)-----. I'm a 21 year old male and even I realize there are more important things than sex. And the woman didn't even say she "didn't like" or "didn't want" sex. She said she wants some connection. That you have lived 50 years and not realized that women want a connection before they feel sexually is disgusting (edited)----."
I did want to offer some of my theories of why gents seem to get to this point of projecting their past onto 'we who are not guilty'.
* I think a lot of men pick the wrong women to start out with, they either fall for their 'looks or sensations' and forget about character and then come back down to earth and get stuck with the reality of that choice.
* Pick a woman to marry who they think will be a good mother, wife, partner but may not be all that sexually compatible.
* Don't seem to grasp the notion that womens sexual drives are different from mens nor bother to be curious, explore and discover what is stimulating for us, do a daily check on where we are mentally or 'read' us... as you said 'it's the connection' and when they can't be bothered maintaining that respectful desire to connect on all levels... we shut down as unheard, unappreciated and unloved. So why would we want to have sex with you?
* When we are knee deep in babies, kids, soccer/ballet practice, hormones on a roller coaster or frankly we're just exhausted trying to juggle all the apples in the air that make up a life while working full time for less pay.. Duh.. Don't Snivel, HELP OUT, I would have given a kingdom if my husband had said, "I'll do the dishes or pick up the toys... or come on lets leave the kids with your mom and get away for a weekend, just you and me and remember we're a couple".... never happened.
A lot of what I see in men around my age is generational... most of these guys were raised with stay at home moms even as I was and have not grasped that it takes 2 to survive in todays world... that we need to be a team working for the mutual good of the family, in and out of bed... but they are still expecting mom/wife to do everything and that some of us or rather make that around 50% of us got fed up with having to do most of the work (physical, financial and emotional) of being a couple.
I think the younger generations... like you sprout ;-), have a better handle on reality, because most of you come from working moms and dads... so you get it because a lot of you have already been part of a 'team'. There is hope for a more realistic future, so take the baton to a better place for all of us.
All the best
Well, Janice, Naomi,
Probably find it hard to talk about sex because you are GAY!!!
Why, is anything wrong with that?
I'm heterosexual, so I wouldn't take a homosexual partner, but I'd take a homosexual friend over a homophobic friend any time.
Grow up, you don't need to hide your sexual insecurities by bashing people that are not insecure about theirs.
Who are Janice and Naomi..... and how did they get into this conversation anyway??? Scratching head perplexed.
Janice and Naomi were referred to in the actual post, as a couple I interviewed. Apparently someone took offense at their sexual orientation.
Aaahh... ok, thank you Dr. Perry, it's been awhile since I read the original article.
Looks like I had better reread. But in my book, a couple is a couple no matter what their orientation until they decide to dissolve their situation.
More information about formatting options
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist and author. Her current focus is on the creative aspects of rationality and atheism.
It can take a radical reboot to get past old hurts and injustices.