This may come like a snowball in the back of the head, but Jack Frost and the Spirit of Mall Shopping is already upon us.
The holiday season can put a strain on everyone. And I find those of us dealing with a mental illness (which includes myself) are particularly vulnerable to down, up and sideways swings as the season gets into its full swing. Family can be a source of support and enjoyment during these harried times. Or they can be the source of harried times.
As a child, my parents did their very best. They loved me, doted on me even. But the tension between them could be cut with a knife, especially during the holidays. We were a diminutive unit. Ours wasn't a family circle as such. More of a...er...family speck: Mother, Father, Me. I had no nearby aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings, cousins, nieces or nephews to dilute my parent's marital Molotov cocktails. It made for rather charged ‘gatherings'. If you could call the presence of three people a gathering. There was nowhere to run if someone was arguing. Do the math. It takes two to tango, so that leaves one poor soul caught in the middle. And that soul was usually me.
It wasn't until far into my adulthood and many years of therapy later that I learned effective coping strategies to reduce the likelihood of spiralling into a black mist, a nervous gnawing or hyper high during the holidays. Not to say that I don't dip, peak or scramble at all, I do. But it's much less severe and much more manageable.
Now that my dad has passed away and I am married, it's now just me, my mom and my husband. But the taught dynamic of a trio is still there. So during the holiday season I still need and do take deliberate precautions, fortifying my arsenal of coping tools to ensure I don't plummet into the dank coalmines of depression, fire off into the heights of a ‘melt-down' mania or swirl into the fretting whirlpool of anxiety. I also consciously take steps to re-affirm my right to take care of myself and let go of guilt when I do my much needed boundary setting.
These are my hot tips for keeping your cool and holding your own over the holidays:
1. Know your limits and assert them with kindness and firmness. Don't feel pressured to say ‘yes' to every family event. Even the Holiday Spirit needs her down time.
2. Get a reality check from trusted sources. Solitude to recharge, running in trails and long naps are a large part of my daily self-care regime. But I sometimes feel guilty and torn doing it. When this happens I enlist the help of objective allies to remind me that self-care isn't a luxury but a necessity if I want to stay mentally well over the holidays (or anytime for that matter). I have close friends who know me, my limits and my mom and are refreshingly frank with me. So when they affirm that these 'time outs' are called for, and that my situation is extremely challenging, not just my imagination or me shirking my daughterly responsibilities, I have vowed to listen to them and follow their advice. Find one or two truth-sayers whose word you promise to respect.
3. Do not isolate. When the wounds of ‘Decembers' past come knocking, often all I want to do is rip my duvet from my bed, find a table and crawl under the table and comforter until all festivities are finished and February is well underway. Do not do this! Even in the depths of your worst depression, do not and I repeat do not evaporate from sight. We need you, even if you can't imagine why.
4. Spend time with cherished friends. We can't choose our family (I mean often when I'm depressed I can't even choose what flavour of potato chips to binge on). But we can choose our friends. Your family gatherings may not be like a Norman Rockwell painting or a Gap commercial (and whose are?), but your friends can be a pool of peace and pleasure.
The company of friends doesn't make my depressions magically disappear, but it does remind me I am worthy of having friends. Something I don't believe when I am at the bottom of the depression pit looking up. Be selective with whom you spend your time. Choose friends who make you feel all warm and fuzzy. This doesn't mean refusing to see your relatives all together, but rather balancing your time with friends and family with more awareness.
5. Exercise. Now I know it's not what you want to hear. But wait. It's not for the reason you think I am telling you to work up a sweat. Exercise provides the perfect, and actually very legitimate ‘excuse' to take time for you. Exercise has long been known to be a great mood booster and stabilizer. So how can any concerned relative who is driving you around the Christmas tree or over the dreidel refuse you the liberty of taking care of your health? So even if you don't work up a sweat - find something to do, on your own or with a good buddy that gets your blood moving (before your blood starts to boil). The time away from family AND the increased heart rate will fare you well.
Family can be a place of warmth and comfort over the holidays, but some of us, probably many of us, it can be a source of stress too. As I have learned what my healthy boundaries are and how to set them without either incessant apologies or indignation, I enjoy my time with the family ‘speck' more. And I am sure I have become more enjoyable to be around. It couldn't have been much fun for them to hang out with me when I offered so little of myself and instead offered disdain. Ironically, it is through the process of healthy individual definition and separation that creates hearty family connections.
And from my home to yours I wish you the very best of the season and an abundantly peaceful New Year for now and always.
Finally, below are two inspirational books to lift you up, if you feel sideways and to affirm your right to alone time. Dr. Anthony Storr's book is a classic on why solitude (not isolating) is essential and healing and Dr. Suess's book is well...he's Dr. Suess.
Oh, The Places You'll Go - Dr. Suess
Solitude: A Return to the Self by Dr. Anthony Storr
© 2011 Victoria Maxwell
www.victoriamaxwell.com
