Upside of Committing to Marriage

I blame Moses Ma for my tardy blog post. That's right. I'm blaming someone. Not very counselor-esque of me, is it? Yes, that old adage (when you point blame at someone, you have three fingers pointing back at you) comes to mind. Still, let me explain and maybe you'll understand--and agree with me.

Moses is the author of the "Tao of Innovation" blog. We talked about writing respective blog posts that contrasted our viewpoints on a particular issue. Who knew he was going to pick marriage as the topic and who knew I'd feel so uncomfortable by tackling his stance? You see, his post on Innovation in the Bedroom suggests that marriage, as we know it, is on the way out. He kills a few sacred cows in the process of his argument, like suggesting that a high divorce rate is a sign of relationship evolution and purports that monogamy is not natural. He also says that you can have it both (something about getting both a "good girl" and a "slutty bad girl" experience). He concludes his case by suggesting that "experimental lifestyle communities" that practice swinging, polyamory, and BDSM are ahead of our time and may lead to the invention of sustainable models for marriage in the future.

I've taken long in responding because Moses makes a few good points. Marriage, as we know it, is in trouble. The U.S. divorce rate has been climbing (more than 50% for first marriages and around 67% for second and third marriages). On top of that, single parent households became the majority of families in the past two years. Moreover, there is a trend among young couples to delay marriage until they feel "financially stable." These young couples are living together and having kids, but delaying marriage. What makes me sad is that it's not all young couples that are doing this -- it's young couples that haven't attended college and are in a lower socioeconomic demographic. Somehow marriage has slipped into being a luxury item -- which misses the point of marriage.

Marriage is a commitment between two people that has legal recognition and protection of a partnership. It can also be spiritual, as it is recognized as a holy sacrament by some religions and as a spiritual union of souls by others. It creates a compact by two people who take a vow and make an intention to live together throughout their lifetime. At its very core, it is a vow of love and almost unconditional commitment, which can be pretty scary. One must select well and find someone where there is mutual trust, love, and willingness to survive any storm together.

When marriage works, it can increase quality of life and health in numerous ways. Studies have found that men's health improves with marriage and declines with divorce. There are economic advantages to both men and women in marriages. Divorce has shown to decrease women's and children's standard of living, with divorced women being four times more likely to live below the poverty line. Depression is also higher for men and women after a divorce, along with cardiovascular disease, cancer, addiction issues, and stress. Children of married parents fare better in all areas, including grades, less problems in school, higher educational pursuits, and lasting marriages of their own. Children of divorce display more difficulties in school, may show regressive behaviors, have learning difficulties, and later avoid marriage and/or have higher divorce rates.

If marriage is so good for us, why do we divorce? Is Moses possibly right about the need to cultivate more innovation in the types of committed relationships we enter?

From all of the research I have read and the clients I have worked with, the issue goes back to growth. Not only do both people in a relationship need to grow, but they need to grow together--and there is no greater laboratory for growth than a marriage. It forces you to have to confront your weaknesses, your fears, and learn how to get along with another person. Everything comes out when there's true commitment. It's like two people being locked in a room together until they learn how to listen to each other. Marriage can force you to individuate and grow leaps and bounds beyond what could happen by yourself. Maybe that's why married people have better health.

Beyond that, sex researcher and therapist David Snarch found that older couples in their 50s and 60s that grew together were able to enjoy the best sex with each other. He refers to it as "wall-socket sex." Part of the reason is that they found acceptance with their bodies and stopped worrying about what the other person was thinking. When they became less self-conscious about themselves, they were able to really see the other person and experience true intimacy--and a more exciting sex life.

This runs contrary to what Moses is suggesting. It's a paradox. We don't need more open relationships to achieve commitment. We need more individuating learning experiences that can allow people to reach growth in their relationships with their partner.

To echo what being individuated (or differentiated) looks likes, it is approaching life with a focus on oneself and not one's image, which then enables a person to genuinely empathize with another person. Narcissism, a personality trait that makes a person overly focus on their image, has increased by 30% since the 1960s according to Jean Twenge. A recent Facebook study also showed that continuously updating one's status is making people more self-focused and narcissistic.

We can turn this tide around when we learn to drop the image and speak from our heart. When we do that, we can enter relationships--and marriage--with genuine commitment and not a commitment based on external influences (e.g. other people are doing it, my family likes this person, I'm lonely, this person will be a good provider, I got pregnant, I'm young and still in the honeymoon phase of love and am not sure if it's real love yet). Marriage with individuated people can provide immense excitement, joy, improved health, comfort, security, a laboratory for growing, and the most essential foundation for children. Just because we've experienced some difficulties doesn't mean that we should get rid of marriage, it makes it all the more more special to reach for that higher level of commitment bliss that most everyone craves.

One more note to all those young couples waiting to marry--if you want to get married and feel like you've found real love with a partner but can't afford it, please don't put it off. You can create the most special private ceremony with candles and your own magical vows in your home or a loved one's home. It's about the union, not the big dress or public party.