The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. ~ Mal Pancoast
Heather was a woman who was completely shocked by her husband’s abrupt announcement that he wanted out of their marriage. She had thought that everything in the marriage was going along fine, until one day he came home and told her that he was unhappy and was leaving. (She later found out that he had met someone else and was living with her.)
After he left, she didn’t hear from him for three months. It was as if he had suddenly died and left her alone to care for their two young children. He didn’t call her and he didn’t contact their children. She had to pick up the pieces and try to make life go on as usual, while also dealing with her grief and sense of devastation.
When the kids asked where their father was or when he’d be back, she had to tell them she didn’t know. When they cried because they missed their Dad, she had to comfort them. It was not easy. Understandably, she felt a swirling of intense emotions going on within herself every day.
Then one day, three months after he’d left, when her husband came back, he apologized to her. He said he didn’t know what had gotten into him and that he now realized his actions had been wrong. By this time, however, the damage had been done and there was no longer any trust or connection between them. They agreed to divorce.
Heather was so hurt that she was sure she would never ever recover from the breakup of her marriage. She was also sure that her children would be scarred for life. Despite her reaching out for therapy and support, Heather very much identified herself as the victim of her husband’s utter disregard for her and their kids. She felt that his actions were so cruel that no amount of apologizing or the passing of time could heal the wounds. She feared she would be the one person on the planet who would never recover from her divorce.
I often tell people that they will know they have let go when they no longer identify themselves by their divorce. Heather could not imagine ever being in this place.
Heather went through the divorce proceedings, moved to a new home, got the kids situated in a new life, and was even on speaking terms with her ex, but she truly believed that she would never trust anyone again.
Although it took several years and a great deal of effort (in the way of therapy, self-help books, and support networks), Heather did indeed move to the other side of her pain. She was able to stop identifying herself by her husband’s leaving and started seeing herself as the powerful woman she had become.
To the same degree that she had been knocked down, she began to feel good about herself and her life. As she got better, her kids also got stronger and there was healing for them.
It did take a great deal of work and quite a long time, but because Heather hung in there, she did eventually reach the other side and can now testify to the fact that there really was another side to her ordeal—even for her.
Affirmation: I will recover from my divorce.
Journal Exercise
I’m a huge proponent of journaling and I often recommend that people write down some of the intense experiences as a way to vent and to measure the healing process.
Whether or not you’ve been hurt in a way similar to Heather, you have a “story.” Write down your story in your journal. Revisit it every month or so to see if and how it has changed. You may be surprised by what you find.
