Every one of us alone has the power to direct the course of our lives by choosing what actions we will or won't take. While sometimes it's easier to believe you don't have a choice, the reality is that you always have a choice to behave differently.
~ Francine Ward
When we hear the word "divorce," most of us conjure up the image two people engaged in a battle over child custody, child or spousal support, and the division of assets. Traditionally, each side has* had its respective attorney whose job it is (*tenses don't match unless has had is there, do they? to duke it out with the other side in an effort to win the best settlement possible. Then, once the divorce is over and done with, the ex-spouses are so angry with each other that they remain enemies.
Although contentious litigation is still the preferred method for numbers of divorcing people, the good news is that there are many alternatives to this type of divorce.
Even if your spouse (or ex-spouse) is behaving badly, you don't have to follow suit. You can have what's referred to as a "good divorce" or as a "better divorce." To do this, however, you must be willing to handle yourself in a mature manor, which I refer to as your "higher self." This is not always easy to do, especially when you may have fears about not having enough running rampant through your brain, or when your spouse has done something you feel is flagrantly unjust.
This is not to say that you shouldn't feel your feelings. Indeed you should. What this passage is referring to is controlling your behavior: that is, can you be incredibly angry with your spouse and not seek vengeance by way of dirty pool in the divorce settlement? Can you instead, express yourself calmly and save your heated emotions for another forum, such as your therapist's office or hitting a punching bag at the gym? Can you soothe yourself in a healthy way?
If you've never done this, it will undoubtedly be a tall task to begin conducting yourself this way through your divorce proceedings, but you will likely feel better once you get to the other side.
One trick to help you control your reactions to events during your divorce is to not speak in the moment. If your spouse says or does something hurtful, you can bite your tongue, walk away, hang up the phone, or say, "I can't answer that right now Let me think about it." This is a way to respond rather than react.
Some couples that have contentious relationships prefer communicating by e-mail so they don't have to speak to their ex-spouses. They can take a few deep breaths and reply only when they are ready. Some people use another trick by depersonalizing their spouses' actions, which means not taking personally anything their spouses say or do, and seeing the problem as a part of their spouses' shortcomings, not theirs.
Although, in the moment, it can sometimes feel delicious to send a sharp barb your spouse's way or have what feels like a victory, the reality is that divorce doesn't have to be a an train wreck that leaves a mess of ashes and ruined fragments behind for you and your children. A divorce can be done in a mature, healthy way that minimizes pain and anger.
Let it start with you.
This article is an excerpt from Stronger Day by Day, Reflections for Healing and Rebuilding after Divorce by Susan Pease Gadoua
