Every marriage - and every meaningful relationship, for that matter - has good times and not-so-good times. This is natural and normal. However, when you are questioning whether to remain in the relationship, these high and low cycles may be more profound.
Not knowing the future of your marriage can feel as if you're riding on a roller coaster that you can never get off; there are endless ups and downs and loop-de-loops. Although there are periods of calm, they are few, far between and short lived.
After meeting with hundreds of clients who were contemplating divorce, I began to notice many similarities and a very predictable path that these people were following. This marital indecision cycle, as I call it, can feel like imprisonment, even though all it would take to be free would be to step off the merry-go-round.
The Marital Indecision Cycle
The marital indecision cycle begins with a calm or routine period followed by a slow buildup of tensions. There may or may not be questioning of the marriage at this juncture, but if there is, the questioning can actually add to the tensions and hasten the process of reaching the argument or crisis. After the argument or crisis, there is often remorse, followed by another questioning period, but this diminishes as tensions diminish over time, and eventually the routine phase returns. And the cycle repeats.
I have seen people stay in the marital indecision cycle for years but staying in this place of neither here nor there can have serious consequences on your relationship, your health and all areas of your life.
Here's why: after a while, if you remain in indecision about anything in life (a job, a home, or a relationship), your energy is depleted and you will become exhausted. When you are exhausted, you're not fully present for yourself or for others.
Your quality of life is tremendously compromised when you are neither here nor there.
Some decisions can't be rushed and certainly, the fate of your marriage is not something to take lightly, but I do recommend getting support to help you make your decision. Many people do nothing and hope they will "know" somehow or that their spouse will do something that acts as the final straw to break the camel's back. This doesn't always happen.
Decision-making Tools
Sometimes, you simply have to make a decision one way or another. Here are some tools that can help you reach your decision:
* Read books * Talk to friends * Seek out therapy, a support group, or talk to clergy * If you are inclined to pray or meditate, do that as well
I'm also a great proponent of journaling and I feel that much clarity can be gained by writing that talking simply can't replicate.
Recommended Reading
Three books I recommend on the topic are:
Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go (this is my book)
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum and
Should I Stay or Go, by Lee Raffel
