Contemplating Divorce

Dear Ms. Gadoua, Thank you for addressing the role of the spouse/partner of the sexual addict. I want to bring to your attention another new book, which is resonating with (mostly) women dealing with the aftermath of their spouse/partner's addiction, as well as with the treatment community. In YOUR SEXUALLY ADDICTED SPOUSE: How Partners Can Cope and Heal (September 2009, New Horizon Press) by Barbara Steffens, Ph.D., LPCC, and Marsha Means, MA, Steffens reveals her new research study showing that partners of sexual addicts (70% of the women in her study) are post-traumatic stress victims. This book is the first to present Steffens’ new information on how to address the trauma and post-traumatic stress. YOUR SEXUALLY ADDICTED SPOUSE discusses the impact of sexual addiction on partners and gives important suggestions and strategies for coping and healing. Dr. Steffens work and the book are the result of her direct experience. She's "been there" and now devotes her counseling practice in Cincinnati, Ohio, to working with partners of sex addicts. Her website offers additional resources for addicts and their families. www.steffenscounseling.com

Hello Ms. Gadoua,

I want to thank you for shedding some light on the difficulties the spouses of sex addicts face. However, there's still a big piece missing in what you wrote, to me. The single most important thing I have done is begin to focus on, and attempt to heal, the very real trauma that is inflicted by discovering my husband's addiction. A lot of what you've written about is from the 12-step, typical "co-addict" model, and I want you to know that isn't the only healing for option. For me, it's helpful, but incomplete. There's also the 'trauma model' of recovery, something the previous commenter hit on with their recommendation of the book by Barbara Steffens. It's a whole new approach.

As a partner of a sex addict, I sometimes get peeved when others say that I have a role to play-- because I'm sure you'll understand, me unwittingly not being aware that my husband was having sex with prostitutes is a big difference from him willfully deceiving me. Whatever part I played in the relationship, I know I am not deserving of the 'co-addict' label.

Something to think about for those of your readers who may be repulsed by the labeling-- when they, themselves, are the actual victims.

Victimising a woman for not realising her husband is having sex with anything that moves? Telling her she has work to do on herself? I'm sick of the blame the victim mentality of our society, but without it, therapists would be out of a lot of work. A disgraceful article.

I am not a co addict. The idea that the the betrayed spouse trying to keep herself safe from the behaviour of the addict is a problem is reprehensible. I did not encourage his behaviour. His problem started long before I ever came into his life.
This model is antiquated. Time to come into the 21st century.
Barbara Steffens and Marsha means are absolutely correct when they talk about the trauma, that's right TRAUMA that the betrayed spouse goes through when finding out that the man they married is not who they think he is.

Unfortunently, this article is very wrong about partners of sex addicts, and actually has the potential to harm partners who read it. Elin is more likely suffering from post traumatic stress symptoms, not automatically codependency and her own "disease" simply because she was married to a sex addict. That ancient co-sex addict model formulated by Patrick Carnes is very flawed and based on massive assumptions that have been proven through research to be incorrect for most partners experiences.

Ms. Gadoua, to start, I highly suggest you read Dr. Omar Minwalla's information, "A Call for Professional Action and Awareness: Recognizing the Psychological Treatment Needs of Partners of Sex Addicts", here:

http://www.sexualtreatmentprograms.com/ish-articles/a-call-for-professio...

And become educated in the research by Dr. Barbara Steffens.

See this information about partners by Dr. Milton Magness, which will also provide you insight:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtJhprg-2CE

Thank you