Chasing His Potential "'Til Death Do You Part"

Leanne is sure her fiance will grow up once their baby is born (she's eight and a half months pregnant and he's still out snorting cocaine until the wee hours of the morning); Beth thought that her husband would have found work by now, but, nine years later, she is beginning to realize that despite his MBA and JD degrees, he has no intention of finding work - even when it means they will have to sell the house because they can't afford the mortgage.

These are just two of the many stories i hear about how women chase their man's potential. They are willing to look past the facts, and instead, focus on "who they know he could be."

Women, far more than men, marry a partner "for their potential." When these women marry someone who is not who they want them to be today, it's almost as if they are choosing a project. Men, on the other hand, tend to keep it simple: if someone doesn't meet his criteria today, he moves on.

I'm not sure if it's a socialized behavior or genetic, but it certainly seems to be a common phenomenon these days.

What's ironic is that men often feel equally duped when the women t hey married transform into someone they don't recognize.

Mark Twain is quoted as saying, "women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So, invariably, each is disappointed."

The favorite quote among the women I work with is by Maya Angelou, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

If the man you want to become the father of your children has not worked during the entire time you have known him, why do you think he will magically "get his act together" when you've tied the proverbial knot?

If he's doing drugs and staying out all hours during your "courtship," what indication do you have that he will stop doing this just because he now has the title of "husband?"

But magical thinking is rampant these days.

I realize it's easier said than done to walk away from someone you believe you love but the alternative is much more painful and debilitating.

If you, or someone you know, is in this type of relationship, and you're at all resistant to what I'm suggesting, I want you to imagine your life five or even ten years from now; perhaps you have children and a house, as well as other adult responsibilities. How will you feel then when your husband is still acting the same way?

My guess is you'll be exhausted and angry. Pay attention to the signs he's giving you today!

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