Compassion Matters

How to save a life

Five Tips for Maintaining Lifelong Friends

What kind of friend do you want to be?

When it comes to our physical and mental health, friendship may truly be the best medicine. An Australian study showed that strong social networks may lengthen survival in elderly men and women, with good friends being even more likely to increase longevity than close family members. As author Edna Buchanon put it, “Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.” A good friendship is something to savor and protect. Yet, like any human relationship, even our closest of friendships can unravel in moments of weakness.

The closer we get to someone, the more invested we become in their emotions and behaviors. We are far more likely to be reactive to our best of friends. When they aren’t feeling or acting quite themselves, they can incite feelings of frustration, judgment, competitiveness, or hurt in us. So how can you avoid a  falling out with someone you’ve long trusted and cared for? You can start by accepting the fact that you can only change yourself. Almost always, fixing a friendship is a matter of fixing yourself. Ask yourself what kind of friend you want to be. Then follow these five tips for keeping your friendships strong throughout the years.

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Be Honest - Relationships built on false build-ups or phony facades are only as good as their foundation. Superficial relationships often fizzle over time. To achieve a solid friendship, you have to be honest with each other. Being able to offer and receive feedback from someone you trust is a gift that can easily be overlooked. Setting aside your ego and being willing to let someone know you and ask questions of you is invaluable. Friends are likely to ask the tough questions like, “Why do you think you’re attracted to that person?” or “Do you think you might be feeling jealous or hurt in this situation?” Having a friend who can give it to you straight will help you know yourself better. Being able to reciprocate further challenges you to live with honesty, directness, and integrity. There is no way to feel more connected to someone than to open yourself up to them. Plus, keeping an honest dialogue helps prevent you from building up cynicism and boiling over in a moment when you feel triggered.

Repair Misattunements – When you know someone well, you’re familiar with their strengths along with their weaknesses. And just as you know how to cheer them up, you know exactly how to tear them down. In moments of tension, we can let things slip out that are far more hurtful to our closest friends, because they come from us. No person is perfect. We are sure to mess up at times, but when we do, we have to set pride aside and repair the situation. Being honest isn’t about being cruel. Finding a balance where we can say what we think without being parental, defining, or judgmental is important to keeping a level of trust between you and a friend.

When you make a mistake, apologize for it. Make sure they understand that your intention is not to hurt or punish them. Explain where you went wrong and what you mean by saying sorry. Don’t be afraid to be the one who reaches out. We all have either been or known pairs of friends who’ve stopped speaking for months, because neither one would come forward to admit fault. Time is precious and not worth wasting when it comes to the people who make us happy.

Make Time and Show Appreciation – The familiarity and comfort we feel with another person can sometimes leave us crossing lines or forgetting to show our gratitude. Like with a spouse, partner, kids, or family, we have to find time to make real contact with friends in order for therelationship to flourish. Slipping into routine can leave us more likely to take our friends for granted. Make sure to express how you feel and take actions that show how well you know and care for them. Generosity is the key to happiness. A good friend shows interest in who we are and what we struggle with, but it is important not to let the relationship become one-sided or to become self-centered in your focus.

Be sure to engage in acts of kindness and consideration that are focused on your friends. Do the things that they would perceive as caring. Consider their interests and passions when planning a way to say thank you. A woman I know used to plan over-the-top birthday parties for her best friend. After years of this, her friend quietly confessed to her that these lavish affairs made her feel uncomfortable and shy. She’d much rather go out to a casual dinner with a few friends. The revelation led the woman to realize that the party planning had always been more about her than her friend. She wasn’t truly considering her friend’s feelings when planning an act of acknowledgement.

Alter your Expectations and Don’t Make Assumptions  – In any relationship, we can start to impose certain expectations on our friends that set us up to feel hurt or disappointed. Don’t be quick to pick apart your friends. Accept that they are human and that they will make mistakes. We may show our friendship in one way, through affection, favors, or gifts, but we shouldn’t necessarily expect the same from them. Don’t assume what your friends are thinking; check it out instead. Accept that you could be wrong about their viewpoint.

Every individual possesses a sovereign mind and their own perceptions of the world. They may, in turn, have a very different way of expressing their feelings. They may show caring in different ways. For example, a close friend of mine, who I’ve known since we were kids, rarely remembers to buy me a gift on my birthday. It would be easy to use this fact to feel bad, to build a case that she’s forgetful or just doesn’t care about me the way I care for her. But that would be far from the truth. She simply shows warmth in other ways, often bringing me books she thinks I will love, picking up my favorite tea, or sitting to talk with me for hours when she suspects I’m not feeling my best.

Choose Compassion Over Cynicism – A good rule of thumb when it comes to our relationships is to care more about doing what’s right than being right. When you get to know a person, you get to know their worst traits, and it’s easy to become cynical toward the negative aspects of their personality. It’s far more preferable to be compassionate. Compassion keeps us vulnerable instead of getting tough and guarded, and seeing the world through a negative lens. A recent study showed that toddlers as young as 2-years-old get joy from seeing others helped. The Greater Good Science Center from University of California, Berkeley reported this as “the first study to suggest that altruism is intrinsically rewarding even to very young kids, and that it makes them happier to give than to receive.” Compassion is its own reward, as it leaves us feeling good within ourselves regardless of how a friend may be behaving. Being honest and straight-forward without being cynical is perhaps the most important quality of a good friend.

In her book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying Australian nurse Bronnie Ware listed not maintaining friendships as one of people’s biggest regrets when on their death bed. Keeping close friends is an essential part of life that gives us meaning and fulfillment. Holding yourself to these five standards will help you develop within yourself and will expand your potential to grow meaningful friendships throughout your life. It’s no surprise that people who are giving of themselves are the most liked. Thus, keeping a realistic, yet compassionate outlook on the world will inherently expand your own world, attracting others along the way. All of these characteristics are contagious, and by being the kind of person you respect, you encourage others to do the same.


Read more from Dr. Lisa Firestone at PsychAlive.org

Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, author, and the Director of Research and Education for the Glendon Association.

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