The primary step in helping our children persevere when being bullied or facing other sources of trauma, is equipping them with a solid foundation of emotional resilience by ensuring that they feel accepted at home. It is important that we accept our kids for whoever they are, no matter how different they are from us or from how we expected them to be. When kids feel consistently accepted for who they are, they are more able to cope with stress and adversity.

Dr. Caitlin Ryan, Director of The Family Acceptance Project, has conducted studies showing the impact of family reactions on the well-being of LGB youth. One study reported by NPR "found that the gay, lesbian and bisexual young adults and teens at the highest risk of attempting suicide and having some other health problems are ones who reported a high level of rejection by their families as a result of their sexual orientation." She found that if kids are bullied, being accepted by their families has a buffering effect, making them less susceptible to negative outcomes.

As parents, we want our kids to feel confident within themselves so that even if they experience bullying, they will be able to bounce back. If we want our children to have the ability to adapt to, handle, and overcome the tough situations they will encounter in life, the effort to provide them with these skills needs to begin at home. To learn how we can make this effort, we must understand some of the Dos and Don'ts of building resilience in our children.

Do's

Inspire Positive Emotions - It is essential that we provide our kids with opportunities to have positive emotions. This sounds simple, but very often we get distracted by the practicalities of parenting (making sure our kids change their clothes, brush their teeth, and do their homework), that we fail to provide them with enough opportunities to be joyful. We should always encourage our children to find pleasure and humor in life. Although we should never overlook or fail to discuss their struggles, we should consistently provide our kids with a message of hope by offering them situations in which to feel hopeful.

Provide Social Support - The more our children feel like they have a social support from family, the better they will handle negative social interactions outside the home. It's important to make time to talk to our kids and to just be with them. Even if our child is resistant to opening up, we must never give up or throw our hands in the air and write them off. Instead, we should find ways to let them know that we are there for them the minute they are ready to open up.

An extended family circle is also beneficial. Many children aren't comfortable talking to their parents about certain things, but they may have a relative or family friend who they trust, and that relationship should be allowed to flourish. The same holds true for their friendships with kids who have a positive influence on them. If a friend exhibits traits we would like our child to have, we should nurture and encourage that relationship.

Even a child who is isolated from peers will do much better with family support. As he or she struggles to make friends, we can be helpful by exposing them to positive social situations: i.e. volunteering with them, taking them to community events, or participating in activities with friends of ours who have kids around the same age. It is important to facilitate the forming of these social connections without being critical or providing too much pressure.

Find an Area of Interest- Helping our kids to find an area that interests them and that they can excel in is a gift that can shape their lives.  Get them involved in activities that help them feel good about themselves. Provide them with a variety of opportunities to find what specifically appeals to them. In doing this, we should be flexible in our expectations of children. If they prefer sketching cartoons, when we'd prefer they were playing the cello, it is important to support them in their excitement. It is also important not to confuse false praise with encouragement. Kids can tell the difference, and they often feel confused when our compliments don't match their accomplishments.

When encouraging their interests, we must also be sure to give children the chance to be physically active. Physical activity is not only enjoyable, but it calms our bodies and makes us more resilient. It also helps us to not develop symptoms when we are stressed.

Teach Mindfulness - Children must be taught how to calm themselves down when falling apart or feeling aggressive. We can teach our children mindfulness practice: techniques for becoming aware of themselves and their emotions, while learning to regulate their reactions. Young children can be read books like The Peaceful Piggy, which introduces them to the benefits of mindfulness and how it can help them develop the ability to remain calm, even in the face of bullying. For further advice on teaching mindfulness to children, parents can read The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive. This book offers techniques for developing mindsight, the ability to see what is going on in our minds and the minds of others. This will help our children to not only be able to recognize their own reactions but to better understand others, so they can more effectively cope with bullies.

Promote Problem Solving Skills - To equip our kids with invaluable problem solving skills, we must show them how to be flexible in their responses. If a child faces a challenging situation, it is important to sit down with them and encourage them to think about the many possible courses of action available and which will yield the most benefit.  If, for example, they endure teasing from a friend, what can they do? Is revenge really the best option? Can they joke back and not "take the bait?" Does ignoring it really solve the problem? Should they talk directly to the friend about how the teasing makes them feel? Is it better for an adult to be present in the conversation?

By demonstrating cognitive flexibility in our own reactions, we teach kids not to look at a problem one way, and instead, to see many ways to solve it. We can teach our kids to always ask themselves, how can I seek help? How can I get more social support? And remember, the more adaptive we are in dealing with our own problems, the more adaptive they will be with theirs.