Co-Parenting After Divorce

Rising to the challenge.

Co-Parenting and High Conflict

Conflict is a normal part of everyday life, and to completely shield children from normal day-to-day conflict may in fact be doing them a disservice, as conflict presents an opportunity for resolution of disputes, healing and reconciliation. Conflict is not inherently bad for children. It is persistent, unresolved conflict that is dangerous for children. Read More

Origin of conflict

I would suggest that litigation is not the sole or even the major source of conflict. I would suggest that high conflict emerges when one or both parents have personality disorders. I also would suggest that co-parenting is not really possible in a high conflict divorce -- unless the conflict was litigation driven or driven by discrete events outside of the marriage -- such as non-chronic infidelity. If the high conflict was integral to the marriage, then it is not realistic to suggest that the divorce also would not be high conflict. And, post-divorce, there is even less incentive for one or both of the parents to put aside the behaviors that created the marital conflict.

In those cases, "co-parenting" is not possible unless one or the parents will accept the "in-marriage conflict behaviors" or even worse behaviors -- without responding negatively. In my view this is a lot to ask and presents the possibility of modeling the acceptability of doormat behaviors for the children involved. In such cases, I suggest that parallel parenting -- not co-parenting is the most realistic and systemically healthy response to the ongoing conflict.

But, then again, I am not a mental health professional -- I just pay to talk to them.

Shared Parenting & Conflict

Great to see Prof. Kruk in the professional blogosphere.His academic work has been consistently characterized by thoroughness and appropriate qualification of research findings.

This article is a good illustration. He is careful to first seperate "hi-conflict" from its expansive buzzword to its specific academic meaning to provide context to his point.Then he carefully parses the difference between recent and prior research to make his point.

John B's comment above illustrates the complexity of this topic.About 1/3 of divorces involve mental health/substance abuse/disability issues, but it does not follow that those 1/3 of divorces automatically involve hi-conflict. Moreover, the inherent adverserial process of family courts is known to either initiate or exacerbate conflict during the divorce process.That's why Prof. Kruk underscores the need to distinguish among different types of high conflict.

Absent violence and abuse, many hi-conflict situations abate or resolve themselves within 6 months once litigation and divorce mediation stressors are removed. Of course, separate household post-dissolution likewise removes a major stressor. Indeed, this is the dominant outcome we all see with family and friends post-divorce.

Therapeutic intervention has also shown itself to have very favourable, albeit not guaranteed outcomes.Also, the very nature of shared parenting serves to contain conflict in many instances.

Of course, not all hi-conflict cases are amenable to reasonable resolution, just like shared parenting is not always the right answer. What research does make overwhelming clear is that shared parenting is not only a robust solution in general but also in the specific instance of hi-conflict.

Shared parenting has been seriously underutilized by the courts and institutional support services to the detriment of children, parents, and extended family.

What a load of psychobable.

What a load of psychobable. Of course conflict is destructive to children and in a situation of shared care where conflict remains shared care gives power to a parent causing the conflict enabling the abuse to continue. Irrespective of whats right for parents, whats right for children? Friends who have been victims of divorce all talk abut the disruption to their lives as a result of shared care and how little they saw of busy working parents anyway. Shared care is a vice used to estol the best interests of parents vs children and rather than being about giving a child equal access is more often than not about one parent not wanting to meet their financial responsibilities. What has money got to do with it? After being in a shared care arrangement with an emotionally and verbally abusive ex for many years now I have lived experience of the destruction of this practise and the impact it has had on my daughter is disgusting. A system that advocates for it is doing anything but working in the best interests of the child.

I read your post. Can you

I read your post. Can you please be open to the thought that your situation works both ways. There are abusive mothers as well. Abuse is not just physical. Is it fair that someone lied to me when we married that all prior relationships were lesbian. Ten years later, after three young children, she started an affair with another lesbian married woman. Then after the shock of all this deception, she was awarded my children, alimony and child support, while I had to face foreclosure due to insufficient funds. She is a doctor and makes more than me. Her partner is still "married" to her husband and she sleeps over as and when she wants. Don't I have a right to not accept this kind of arrangement for my children, what values with they grow up with? This is just an overview, there is lies told in court, there are restriction placed on my children visiting their fathers family, etc. All this because in USA a father is garbage. When either parent is treated as garbage, then society will pay a price in the long run.

co-parenting and conflict

Yes, personality disorders and low level mental illness can be drivers of conflicts in the family law process. However, the adversarial nature of the family court system incentivizes the conflict and, far too often, rewards those who thrive in the adversarial environment. It is often a highly-functioning but disordered, manipulative, conflict creating parent who seeks sole custody against a stable parent who seeks joint or shared custody. Women are more often diagnosed with such disorders as borderline personality, histrionic personalities, etc. Courts are not equipped to deal with such disorders and often cave in to sexist ideologies which exaggerate conflict and minimize the damage of anti-father sole custody. In these cases, as with cooperative parents, it is even more important to face down the sole custody bias and for the children to be guarantee one stable, normal parent. Both parents need to be treated with equality and respect, even if one has a personality disorder.

While women may be more

While women may be more likely to be diagnosed with histrionic personality disorder, the divide on borderline personality disorder is now known to be about 50/50 and narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders are much more likely to be diagnosed in men than in women. Stop pretending that women are more likely to have personality disorders than men are. You destroy your own credibility and from that point on anything else you say is suspect. ALso, be advised that most mental health professionals and legal professionals recognize that frequently those with personality disorders are quick to accuse adversaries with having personality disorders ... so be careful what you assert in front of professionals as you may give yourself away.

"Both parents need to be

"Both parents need to be treated with equality and respect, even if one has a personality disorder."

Are you insane? Have you ever dealt with a personality disordered person? Let's talk about respect. My ex husband was secretly working as a gay prostitute. It's a miracle he didn't give me and the daughter I was nursing AIDS. He stole from me, spread lies about me, and started using my last name after I filed for divorce for fraudulent activities. I'm still in the process of trying to figure out if he has been using my SS#. He never paid for any of our daughter's expenses and he was never interested in caring for her until after I filed for divorce. And he STILL GETS SUPERVISED VISITS. Where is the respect for me? When do my one year old daughter and I get to let the dust settle and pick up the pieces of our lives? People with personality disorders should be given the same amount of respect they give to everyone else.

Solano County Court Fails to address parental alienation child abuse

Regardless of what factors are important, the most pressing issue is that Courts are not looking at the real issues. In Solano County they are required by Policy and law to spend a lot of resources looking for domestic violence. Hence they hire court experts that see the world in terms of domestic violence. There is no room to discuss other issues such as parental alienation child abuse or whether another parent has a psychological disorder...and the lack of attention to find out what is happening with each case is the tragedy. If you have a case that revolves around domestic violence the Superior Court of Solano County is your court. If you have a case based on serial false allegations of domestic violence, you have no chance. The Solano Court is a factory. American Family Courts are nothing more than an employment factory for lawyers and lawyers have vested interest in keeping the Court systems focused on conflict instead of solutions.

void ab initio

divorce is child abuse and parent-family alienation TO BEGIN WITH, discriminating children and also violating their human right on normal familylife, knowingly&willingly systematically harming&damaging children&fathers4life, the divorcing parent is obvious unfit and paradoxical has to be removed from child(ren)&family AT ONCE, to reunite asap after being deprogrammed and healed e.g. from pseudologics like femini$$m.

void ab initio

high conflicts are a to be well known result of an antisocial destructive mindset.
divorce is child abuse and parent-family alienation TO BEGIN WITH, discriminating children and also violating their human right on normal familylife, knowingly&willingly systematically harming&damaging children&fathers4life, the divorcing parent is obvious unfit and paradoxical has to be removed from child(ren)&family AT ONCE, to reunite asap after being deprogrammed and healed e.g. from pseudologics like femini$$m.

Surprised that you would

Surprised that you would allow ad bots to keep their nonsensical postings up (after removing their spam URLS of course).
Or perhaps Elliot Rodgers is still alive and posting? Weird either way.

boomshakalakaism, what a bigot answer

boomshakalakaism, what a bigot answer, femini$$m-samesexuality-atheism are devastating sickening&maddening postmodern pseudological LIES, plz get deprogrammed asap so you're able to behave as a human being, able to develop human well being..

Child abuse by design...

3-13-13 Child abuse by design

Dear Ken ,

It’s been more than a year since the letter of 2/12/12 and the apparent subsequent closing shortly thereafter of Glass Family Law. I understand he is now not promoting himself as uniquely blended in Psychology and Law but is at another firm doing probate work. Interestingly enough his resume at FMBK Law has claims of credentials I understand you believe are false based upon you direct written response from organizations Mr. Glass claims to be a member or associated with. Who does that reflect upon him or the diligence and propriety of the firm which now employs him?

It occurred to me that the complete contrast in our cases is almost deafening in the way it shouts hypocrisy, maleficent practices, and flat out perjuries within statements written under penalty of perjury and oral statements within hearings and written statements within submitted briefs screams of the manipulation of parents. This IMHO by attorney’s, the bench and minor’s councils within the family court system in CA at least. Given I was asked to waive my Fifth Amendment Rights in family court? And did so .The issuance of restraining orders on both of us within 3 weeks of my letter of the 12 of February under quote Justice Convey in your instance (“by the slimmest of margins”)one has to wonder at the coincidence…Right? Of course I was judged as having stalked by proxy because I hired a PI to prove my daughter was being housed with a felon (cultivating under a Federal Indictment),,, and the mother knew it.

Indeed in your instance you were falsely accused of molestation by the mother of your son seven ( 7) times and then of stalking (8th)when the child was too old to falsely accuse the father of abuse .I note your minors council never interviewed your child even though Sammy was ten (10) . In your case no abuse took place yet you were put on monitored visitation and visitation reduced to police station pick-ups permanently. It would seem logical Ken that at some time you become a safe parent. When is that after your four (4th) parenting class? Or after the third 3rd interview with the District Attorney’s Office. How about after the 8th sheriff or 13th DCFS investigations. What grade gives you a pass? Or is it like our friend who ponied up a Million dollars.
In my case I alleged that the mother was negligent or deliberately sub parenting in a manner as was provocative .Lj was taken to UCLA med center at three & half (3 ½) .and on morphine and intravenous feeding for 6 weeks after the neighbors call the police because they could hear her screaming. I had previously stated the mother did not have the skills or empathy and may have been suffering some mental distress.

Then two (2) years later numerous blood noses (daddy don’t put sunscreen on …its very sore) and Minors counsel accused me of overreacting etc. Yet my daughter now is showing a scar across her nose as her face has grown. Also when the symptoms that caused the first hospitalization reoccurred I took Lj to the Doctor without custodial privileges and was again accused of being alarmist yet the child’s diet was immediately changed by the mother and things improved.

Not forgetting being accused of 10K in support arrears that the judge threw out as falsified spreadsheet CSSD said I never owed anything. As well as the LCSW saying the Mothers accusation I yelled at our daughter and threw a phone at her was a work of fiction. Perhaps that is why we have a letter from the Bar suggesting we pursue “civil action”.

Given all this I am the one who is separated and monitored.
My point is you are not a molester as the DA stated yet you are punished and to the opposite I can prove the mother has been ,may still be or is a least using sub care of my child in a provocative manner where my child may be suffering yet I am punished,. Quote (LCFS,,‘ The Mother is not currently negligent”)

Finally we have our friend who only after paying a million dollars was taken of monitoring, all accusations and interference stopped and can see his children when he wants.
Here is the situation Given the violence in society killings in families, how much damage has been done to children and women, mothers Fathers parents and extended family by the propagation of this kind of duplicitous behavior within what seems to be a culture of deceit built around self-aggrandizing and financial self-serving that in fact amounts to fiscal abuse of children. What training skills and so on are lost in funneling the parent’s income to third party leeches using false or manipulated circumstances to serve their own interests?

In my case I spent more than $ 47,072 seeing my daughter for twelve ( 12) hours each month for the last year.
I kept my second residence in California, (rent) paid child support, Airfare from NY once a month air fare for a weekend from oversees and monitor costs including the monitors meals , go-cart rides, Taxis/transportation , lunches, entertainment, getting around, clothes, toys, books & games and adventures that I as her father are able to spend upon the daughter that I have raised!
What type of enhanced opportunities could a different approach have made?

If fathers are the enemy what will mothers become once a more robotic agenda is achieved .They will be phased out as well. Women should consider the short amount of time science is giving them to make the correct adjustments to this situation and police their own ranks from peers lawyers and malevolent individuals who care little for children, and will eventually throw mothers to the wayside in preference of the state. I mean do little girls really need to be born with a womb anymore?
The societal cost of the emotional and mental anguish to children and subsequent family killings from person caught up in this situations is surely not worth the salaries of a the firms and government agencies who benefit from this culture…>All mothers, children and Fathers are at risk and more so daily as those uneducated to the manner they will be manipulated and have their conflict orchestrated to the fiscal advantage of others.

My being asked to waive my 5th in family court because a stated somebody was a dead man walking, professionally speaking .It would seem I know what I’m doing as David J. Glass Ph.D. is now hobbled from abusing any more families and a judge who asks me if I wished merry Christmas to a Jewish Lawyer as a hateful gesture seems to be setting me up for something, especially since you had received notices mailed to your residence disclosing that David Glass would be on vacation during the “Christmas holidays”.
Yet you Ken are a longtime Jewish friend and my father spent weeks in a cattle car on his way to Stalag IVIII in Poland.

Was it not the Nazis who first separated children from parents?

And then when I request the transcript from that hearing, I pay for it I and then get not the original but a copy and my money order is handed back to me and no one will say who was given the original?

Lj says to me at age of 6 when I tell her mom loves her and will always be in her life
She state’s to me …“She’s going to live a lot; she’s never going to die?”

What is this child going to hold her mother responsible for and by what means will she do so?

The enabling of conflict by those who seek to gain financially is simply evil and no different from an arms dealer who supplies both sides .The killing of life be it on an emotional ,intellectual, financial, mental, spiritual and /a or physical level is a death and no different from actually using a mechanical device. Too knowingly do so to children whose spirit is pure is inherently foul.

To surmise IMHO the individuals and associated firms in our cases are only the tip of the iceberg.

Michael J Kretzmer. David J.Glass Ph.d, Lori A. Darakjian, Elise Greenberg of Carlson & Greenberg, Psychologist Angus Strachan Ph.d of Lund & Strachan ,FMBK Law , Kolodny & Anteau represent a blight upon what was once a noble profession .

Please get back to me with your thoughts, I am thinking about copying this letter and the letter of 2-12-2012 to the California Attorney General.

Ps I’ll be in LA for visitation. It snowed in NY this week.

Thanks so much for this post!

Thanks so much for this post! I have been going through a really tough time after my divorce, and all I want is to be able to live with my son. Keep up the great work here.

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Edward Kruk, Ph.D., is Associate Professor of Social Work at the University of British Columbia, specializing in child and family policy.


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