When parents of young children divorce, there are often many reasons for grandparents to feel fear and anger about the situation. They may feel that their own son or daughter is at fault in some way, or they may blame a son- or daughter-in-law with whom they never completely came to terms. It's the same set of feelings whether someone actually is at fault, or whether the marital difficulties come from some other source.
One of the most serious concerns of grandparents is what their post-divorce relationship with the grandchildren will be. They know that at worst they may be barred from any connection with the children, and that even at best they may have to negotiate all contacts with one (or even both!) parents. They may be concerned that if their child does not have physical custody of the grandchildren, the "other" grandparents may become the primary figures in the grandchildren's lives. And grandparents are right to have these concerns and to wonder what will happen next, because legally speaking they have neither rights nor obligations toward the grandchildren beyond what any member of the community has.
When grandchildren are already older preschoolers or of school age, their grandparents have usually developed relationships with them. The children like to see the grandparents,and they miss them and ask for them after a time without contact. The children's needs and wishes can carry a great deal of weight with divorcing parents, who may prefer to avoid their former in-laws but probably also want to behave well toward the children.
However, infants, toddlers, and even younger preschoolers may not yet have established comfortable relationships with their grandparents, unless they are together very frequently. Young children who have been seeing their grandparents once a month or less are much more likely to react to the grandparent as if he or she were a somewhat unfamiliar person. Infants between 6 and 18 months are especially likely to avoid such occasionally-visited grandparents, perhaps avoiding their gaze or reaching for a nearby parent when approached by the grandparent.
Unfortunately, the child's very normal reaction to a less familiar person may be misinterpreted and used to make decisions that are not in the long run in the best interests of the child. It is easy for a grandparent to read the child's hesitation as evidence that a daughter- or son-in-law (or even a daughter or son) has taught the child to fear the grandparent, an interpretation that will raise the level of hostility and anxiety and make it more difficult for family relationships to be negotiated. It is also easy for grandparents to feel so offended that they simply give up attempting to make a connection with their grandchildren. The children's parents, too, may interpret young children's behavior to mean that they dislike or are afraid of grandparents, and may even decide that there is some undesirable history of abuse or molestation that is responsible for a child's behavior. Such thoughts naturally make the parents reluctant to encourage relationships with the grandparents.
Is there anything that can be done to make all this easier and to ensure that grandparents and young grandchildren have opportunities to develop comfortable relationships following divorce? I believe that one basic step is to keep in mind the idea of acting in the best interests of the child. This legal principle can also be applied to personal relationships with children and to the management of the post-divorce family. The "best interests" principle suggests that decisions should be made in ways that will allow the best possible opportunities for the child's future development. Decisions made in the best interests of the child do not necessarily consider the rights or needs of interested adults, unless those rights and needs also have implications for the child's best interests.
The formulation of the "best interests" principle about 40 years ago was an important step away from the treatment of children as property that had characterized the law for much of preceding history. Property, of course, has no rights, but certain people can have rights to property. It's still all too easy for family members to give primary consideration to their own rights with respect to children. Reminding ourselves of the best interests principle may be one way to work around this. In most cases (although there certainly are exceptions), it is in a child's best interests to have predictable, affectionate relationships with grandparents-- relationships that will develop only with a reasonable amount of contact between the generations.
Here are some other thoughts that may help grandparents and divorcing parents to encourage the development of good relationships between infants, toddlers, and preschoolers, and their grandparents:
DO remember that the child's parent is the source of comfort and security at this age. You encourage good relationships with grandparents by having the initial meetings with a parent present. This may feel awkward, but it's part of the secret to developing a relationship.
DO remember that infants and toddlers of divorcing families are likely to be unusually sensitive about separation from familiar people
DO understand that an infant or toddler who has not seen a grandparent for awhile will hesitate to interact with that person, just as he or she would with any other relative stranger. Give the child time to warm up. Parents, don't look concerned and let the child think you are afraid of the grandparent! Grandparents, try "flirting" with the reluctant child; don't stare at him or her, but occasionally glance at the child's face and look quickly away if you catch her eye. Wait until the child looks at you more often before you speak or offer a toy. See if you can find something interesting and child-attractive to do like playing with a toy by yourself.
DO keep in mind that infants and toddlers are easily overwhelmed by large groups. Your meetings will be more productive if only 2 or 3 adults are present, rather than a whole party. Infants and toddlers are likely to be attracted if they see you playing with older children.
DO remember that young children are affected by places as well as people. Meeting in the child's own home will work much better than insisting that the child be brought to the grandparents' house. Again,it can be awkward, but the point is to get off to a good start.
DON'T use a meeting with a young child as an opportunity to have a quarrel with the child's parent or to try to work by different rules than the parent does. (For example, if the parent doesn't insist that the child drink all his milk, the grandparent will only cause trouble by trying to do this.)
DON'T assume that your initial relationship with infants and toddlers is exactly how things will be forever. A lot of things are going to happen. The divorcing parents will recover and will develop different ways of doing things from what they now have. The grandchildren will grow older, become more confident and secure after their divorce experience, and will get to know the grandparents as familiar people. Grandparents should not spend their time fighting about the limitations of their early contacts with young grandchildren, but should regard what they are doing now as a bridge to later relationships that will be beneficial to all generations.
