It is a truth almost universally acknowledged that any really nice child would like to go to a less than perfectly familiar house with a crowd of not entirely familiar people, and there consume large amounts of food at an hour other than a usual mealtime. That child, according to this acknowledged truth, will behave well (i.e., inconspicuously), and will appear grateful for this opportunity.
So why does it so rarely happen that way? Is it just that there are not many really nice children nowadays? Or does the whole thing look different to them than it does to us? Having just survived Thanksgiving, and with Christmas and Chanukah bearing down upon us, let's think about how the holiday scene appears to toddlers and preschoolers, and why it might be that they do not act like little tiny ladies and gentlemen. (Or, no, I take that back; they do actually act a good deal like the way the ladies and gentleman act, except that they cry rather than swearing or making sarcastic remarks, or reminding their sister about that complete flop of a piecrust from five years ago.)
Holidays are a time when adults are in a tizzy.
What is the experience of a young child in the days or hours before a holiday? Generally, whether people are coming to their house or not, parents will be fighting an unending series of tasks, each of which turns out to require two other things to be done before it can even be started. (Brining the turkey, are you? Okay, where's the clean 5-gallon bucket?) Dozens of sentences begin with the words "Don't let me forget to...", and much adult energy goes into rehearsing the list of things still to be done.
What do adults do when they're trying to concentrate on a task and not forget what to do next? They look away from whatever might distract them-- like a small face saying "Mommy, mommy,mommy!". And what is that like for young children? Their reactions to "still", expressionless faces, and to averted eyes, have received a great deal of study. There are few situations that are more disturbing for older infants, toddlers, and preschoolers than having a person to whom they are attached "go away" by refusing to meet their gaze or respond to their bids for interaction. This is an event that's very likely to trigger a tantrum (as we see regularly in stores where the shopping mother is trying to decide what to buy and turning away from the young child who is asking for a response).
Holidays are a time when attachment concerns arise frequently.
Children's reactions to the busy, withdrawn parent sensitize the children to other attachment-related threats, making them more likely to be upset about matters that they might ordinarily accept with aplomb. Those matters-- like mother or father going into another room of a strange house without warning, the approaches of less well-known family members who want to be friendly but perhaps don't work at the young child's tempo, and worrisome loud noises of laughter or yelling--- can distress young children in ways that don't compute as far as adults are concerned.
At the same time, parents may feel anxious about the approval of their own attachment figures or other significant people. Their anxiety can be observed by young children, who take it to mean that there really is something to be anxious about, and it can also interfere with the parents' ability to think how to handle their children's situation.
Holidays are a time when few of us are at our best anyway.
When everyone is tired from last-minute preparations, we don't do such a great job of social interaction. The same is true when we're either very hungry, or in that odd state created when you eat some odds and ends but are trying to save an appetite for the holiday meal. If young children and their parents have slept at Grandma's house (or wherever), chances are that no one has slept well. And forget about the nap, so often essential to the functioning of both children and adults!
What to do? Can we make holidays fit better with the needs of young children?
There are certainly some partial solutions to the problem. One is for parents to build into their holiday plans some times when they will simply play with or read to the children, without even jumping up to give the stuffing another stir. This is an ideal time to employ the "Floor Time" approach. Another is to try to schedule the big holiday meal in a way that jibes with the children's accustomed schedule, even if this means feeding the small ones at a separate time. (This is no time to insist that the child try unfamiliar food, by the way.) In a big family holiday situation, it may be really helpful if young children can hang out with or near older children, whom they find much less threatening than adults even when equally unfamiliar. It would be nice if less familiar adults would take it easy and approach young children gradually, but chances are that most will not be able to see the child's perspective on this. It would also be nice if no one would criticize or even stare at a child who wasn't coping well-- these things only make it more difficult for parents to help a child calm down.
I don't mean to suggest that young children will be traumatized by holiday events. Like adults, they have the ability to roll with some punches. But eliminating the unnecessary "punches" , as suggested above, might make holidays with young children less wearing than they often are, and merrier for us, each and every one.
