A few weeks ago, there were several news reports discussing the family situation of a woman soldier recently back from Iraq. Before her deployment, the woman had given birth to a daughter and had shared a home with the baby's father and his parents. (I won't use their names, because I'm sure they're tired of having their lives revealed to the public.) Arrangements had been made for the father to have full custody while the mother was overseas, and father and daughter had continued to live in the home with his parents. When the mother returned, however, her first meeting with the toddler was difficult-- both cried--- and for various reasons it seems that returning to the old living arrangement was not going to be possible. The mother sued for full custody of the child, but no decision has yet been announced.
There are lessons to be learned in connection with this stressful situation. One is that no matter how secure the attachment of an infant to a parent, if the parent is away for many months, that attachment is not so much forgotten as rejected by the child. Continuing to remember and long for the missing person is too painful to bear, and escape from the pain is achieved by restructuring emotional life. The result is that the lost person comes to be seen as a stranger. (This description is true of infants and toddlers, but of course older children do not quickly lose their emotional involvement with a parent who is absent for a time.)
Reintroducing a "lost" parent into a toddler's life will of necessity involve some negative feelings. The child is likely to "snub" or even avoid the returning person, and the adult may well be devastated by the slight-- and show it in facial expression or even in tears. In a vicious circle, the adult's expression of distress will be disturbing to the toddler, who will try even harder to avoid this strange, unhappy person.
The child's negative response is likely to be even greater if the meeting is in an unfamiliar place and if familiar people are not present. And, of course, that situation is just what most returning parents would prefer, if they are not going to be living in the child's home. They want to see the child on their own turf and not as a possibly unwelcome guest in someone else's house, and they want to have the meeting in privacy rather than under the scrutiny of other adults who may be rivals for the child's affections. Although there are fortunately many circumstances when children's and adults' needs are in agreement, this is not one of them.
The child's negative response is also likely to be greater if the meeting with the returning parent is a lengthy one, and this is especially true if an overnight visit is planned for the initial contact. Overnight visits are almost always associated with sleep disturbances until a child is older or has developed bedtime habits that work well with a non-custodial parent. A frightened, emotional child should not be expected to fall asleep easily in an unfamiliar place and near an unfamiliar person. Toddlers perceive such a situation as an experience of severe and incomprehensible loss. Most adults would recognize that a kidnapped toddler would feel and behave with extreme distress, but it seems that many fewer understand that spending the night far from familiar people is no different from being kidnapped as far as the child is concerned. Unfortunately, the fatigue and distress of the adult, as well as that of the unsleeping child, are likely to make it far more difficult for these two to reunite.
To maximize the child's positive experience on meeting a "lost" parent again, it's important to emphasize what the child needs. The adult's wishes, however intensely they may be felt, must wait until the child is more comfortable. This means that if possible the first meetings should take place in the child's familiar home, and in the presence of at least one familiar person. Visits alone in the child's home can come next, and when those go smoothly the adult may take the child out of the home. Not until there have been several comfortable meetings outside the home should the returning parent try to have an overnight visit-- and even then, he or she should be prepared for a restless night. When there is an overnight visit, by the way, any night-time comforts the toddler usually has are essential to include--- blankets, pacifiers, bottles, whatever-- no matter how much the returning parent may disapprove of them and think them unnecessary.
Young children never find it easy to accept a parent who returns after a long absence. But adults can structure the reunion in ways that will help everyone in the long run.
