Here's a myth you've probably come across: When a child has a temper tantrum, falling to the floor in rage and kicking and screaming, he or she is doing this on purpose, and the goal is to annoy adults unbearably and make them do what the child wants.
Is it surprising to hear that this is probably only partly true, if at all?
One clue that might tell you that this statement is a myth is the simple fact that it says "a child" and doesn't specify any farther. But the meaning and motivation of any child behavior depends to a considerable extent on how old the child is. Use your imagination: could a baby of a few months have an actual tantrum? If such a small baby behaved in a tantrum-like way, wouldn't we be concerned that the infant was having a seizure of some kind? For a toddler to have a tantrum, of course, is much more common, and probably most people have seen this. Preschoolers? Well, sometimes, but not often or as flat-out as a toddler's tantrum. A school-age child? We'd be worried that there were mental health issues. A teenager? We'd wonder if there were drugs involved, or even if the person was joking. So, why would we accept the idea that all children have tantrums for the same reasons?
Let's look at tantrum behavior in children of different ages. Young infants may scream with rage and frustration, especially if hurt or very hungry, but this behavior doesn't really resemble tantrums as described above. The toddler is the tantrum-thrower par excellence, and toddler tantrums are an interesting phenomenon if you aren't the person who has to deal with one.
The toddler tantrum is one of the behaviors in which we humans resemble our higher-primate relatives. Harriet Rheingold, a student of animal behavior in the 1960s, reported seeing tantrums among baby baboons on the plains of Africa. What got these babies bent out of shape? It happened when their mothers refused to carry them. (Mother baboons are strict about this, and stop picking up the kids when the latter reach about 16% of the mother's body weight.) Baby baboons, too throw themselves on the ground, shriek, and flex and extend their arms and legs violently.
Human toddlers' tantrums are often connected with stressful situations like an adult's refusal to pick them up, or with other events that seem (to the toddler) to be connected with separation. A common situation triggering a tantrum would be the following: Mother takes the toddler for a doctor visit or something else stressful, then on the way home, even though it's time for lunch, decides she will just stop off quickly and do an errand. She puts the toddler in a stroller, goes into a store, and becomes absorbed in choosing her purchase. She does not look at or answer the toddler and may even walk a few steps away to look at something. Meanwhile, the toddler is in a strange place and many strange people are walking around. The child begins to cry, the mother is still preoccupied, and pretty soon-- the tantrum is in full swing.
In this case, the child was already feeling some stress, and was tired and hungry. The foundation for the tantrum was already there. Then the mother "went away", by failing to answer or pay attention or even to look at the child briefly, as she tried to hurry through her errand. All this took place where a strange place and strange people increased the child's concerns about separation. Looking at it this way, we see that the toddler tantrum was really a form of attachment behavior, an all-out protest against the separation anxiety created by the situation. But no part of the child's behavior was motivated by the desire to "have his own way", in the usual sense of the term.
What about preschoolers? When pressed hard by circumstances, some may really lose control as a toddler does. Others do seem to be trying out the tantrum to see what the effect will be, and may even pause occasionally to gauge the response. (Many years ago, the developmentalist Jean Piaget even described the way his daughter tried a tantrum after having seen another child do the same thing.) If adults respond by rushing to give the preschooler what he demands, they may inadvertently teach the child that tantrums are an effective way to get things-- but the child didn't start by thinking this.
And school-age children? Ordinarily, they are past the tantrum stage of life. A few may have learned to use tantrums in the past and will continue to do so around their parents, but rarely in school or with playmates. But some school-age children still have intermittent "melt-downs" which occur because they have difficulty regulating their behavior and emotions. A recent article in the Science Times section of the New York Times (Brody, J.E. [2009, June 16]. "An emotional hair trigger, often misread", p. D7) discussed the work of Dr.Marsha Linehan with both children and adults of this type. Clearly, these older children are not using tantrums to manipulate people, but need help to regulate themselves.
******************************************************************************
Because of recent cyberbullying events, I will have to disable comments for this post. I hope to be able to have comments and discussion in the near future.
