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Tears ran down Elena's cheeks as she described being so overwhelmed and full of rage that she forcefully held her fully clothed 4-year-old son, James, under the shower when he wouldn't go to bed. Later in the same 50-minute visit she revealed that she had suffered years of physical and emotional abuse as a child. Read More
It bothers me so much to hear
It bothers me so much to hear the tone in which many parents speak to their children. They take away all freedoms and try to get them to conform and in the end the battles ensue. I gave my daughter ultimate freedom from birth and tantrums are rare ( maybe a few mild crying episodes a year ). She goes to bed when she is tired ( no hard bedtime ), she eats what she wants but we talk about nutrition and what is in food and how it is grown and raised. So, if she wants a piece of cheesecake for breakfast, she can ( and she did the other day), but as we waited in line at Starbucks that day and I asked if she would like a snack or hot cocoa she ( my almost 3.5 year old ) replied, "No, I ate cheesecake for breakfast. My body feels like it needs something healthier now. I will get a green juice and a yogurt with granola."
Even if parents have that respect for young children and don't seek to control them and have them be obedient, most at some point send them to public schools where "childism" is rampant. That is, "I am the teacher and you will do what you are told how and when I want you to." I grew up in a public school and felt it offensive and somewhat abusive.... teachers who knew they could get away with anything without any penalty. I can see why T. Berry Brazelton is also a big supporter of Montessori eduction... Maria Montessori had true respect for the child and the belief that each child should be in control of their own development.
Where the apple falls
I agree with your comment. It's hard to find parents who speak to their kids with any respect. In Walmart the other day (where it seems all the rude parents go to shop) a boy barely 3 years said to his mom in a mock-yell (but was actually more like a loud whisper), "Mom, you listen to me right now!" She continued looking at the product and said something to blow him off. He finally stormed off several feet and said, "I'm sick of you." She said, "Whatever."
Take a guess where he got the phrases, rage and insults from? She probably thinks her bad parenting is all behind closed doors, but he was swinging the door pretty wide open that day. He'll most likely be medicated in school.
And I love the description the subsequent poster wrote of psych meds being like cosmetic surgery. I think I'll use that sometime: "Psychological Cosmetic Surgery".
Experiential Learning
As an experiential educator, a youth and family minister, and an adult that is labeled as having ADHD I strongly believe that sometimes we use medication to treat ADHD like we use plastic surgery. We are trying to make children be something they are not. If there was evidence that says ADHD is a life threatening illness or a mental disease that causes criminal behavior I could understand the use of medication.
I respect the use of these medications but question at what cost. In the field of experiential education I have been worked on challenge courses and in adventure based programing for 15 years. We often encourage participants to take a vacation from their medications with doctor approval while they participate in these programs. Often teachers or parents come with these students and the majority of the time I am told to keep an eye on these kids because they will have behavioral problems. The first couple of times I listened not knowing any better. As a challenge course manager I adopted a policy of explaining that on my course or in my program I only need to know about physical limitations and concerns. Behavioral concerns are dealt with by trained staff and we do not want to be prejudice.
Most of the time as in over 75% of the time we find that those with ADHD are as successful if not better equipped to learn in an outdoor adventure program. The stimulation and group support creates a learning environment that is more suitable than most classrooms. More often than not teachers are amazed to see their students function as a group and to see the “trouble makers” being team leaders and major participants. I believe that the human brain is wired to be in nature observing, hunting, and gathering. Being able to intellectualize human advancements and to create systems for learning does not equate to a compatible fit. Perhaps we simply have not evolved to be the most effective in the traditional classroom settings after all it has only been since the early 1800s in Prussia that a formalized education system was created.
Consider this; if I build a kayak for a 350lb person should I expect a 6 year old weighing 60lbs to be able to operate it effectively? When they can’t should I then expect this 6 year old to be put on a diet so that they can gain enough weight to fit the kayak? We have many things in common across gender, race, and culture but there are many learning styles. I wish we could love our children and the desire to learn so much that the majority of our governmental budget was set aside for education.
The Mother of a severely ADHD child
I just have to say that it is tremendously hurtful and ignorant to assume that every child with ADHD is being victimized by their ignorant parent who just wants the child to be a robot... at least that is what I am getting from this article. My daughter has severe ADHD and we waited until she was 12 to treat her because I was taking on too much responsibility for her issues. I am a type A mom, and I did want her to be like every other neurotypical child I've met. Thankfully, we have a wonderful psychiatrist that now has her medicated to the point that she at peace with herself and her environments for the first time in her life. I have several children, most of whom are wonderfully behaved. They won the genetic lottery. Those that want to take personal credit for their child not being "ADHD" should do some reading on polymorphic effects on DNA and the genetic impact of lead toxicity. There is nothing "toxic" about my parenting. And while you may find that some children with illnesses like ADHD can improve in some environments over others, that does not mean that it is a long term solution.
I believe that you might not
I believe that you might not be the sort of family this article is representing. There absolutely is a true ADHD that very well may need medication. it is not likely that it was caused by the child's parenting. There are also, however, many children medicated for ADHD when their behavioural 'issues' are actually in the range of normal.
My 4 year old son, in JK, was accused of being ADHD due to his tendancy to hop to the learnng carpet, rather than walk. The school systems psychiatrist did indeed suggest medication and we out right refused. He is now 6, in grade 1, and doing incredibly well. He sometimes needs to walk over to another space in the classroom to concentrate when his friends are loud, and I consider that an acceptable way to control environment.
I am happy that he is incredibly unique, and that by listening to him we have been able to find a way for him to learn well. At home, we do homework outside and find ways for him to act out math and etc when he's restless. He's not in need of medication, and as this article seems to state, simply needed different parenting, teaching and environments.
I'm sorry that you've been through so much with your child, an article like this would certainly feel hurtful if you mistakenly took it to refer to every single case of ADD or ADHD in children. I do believe that they are speaking about the majority, whose tendancies to be free rather than restricted are simply 'symptoms' of being a child in a world that does not appreciate children's behaviour.
_________________________________________________________________
On another note, I love this book! I've always felt a strange pressure from other adults to restrict my children's freedoms, to make them dependant from an early age, to not spoil them, to sleep train them, to stop nursing them, to punish them for bad behaviour and to reward them for good - and I never ever ever listened. I would never remove my love due to 'bad behaviour' nor would I remove them from the family unit (like with a time out) making them change their true selves just to be accepted. Imagine the adult they would become!! Do anything to fit in...
There is intense cultural pressure though! I like that I can call it childism :) Just today, my 3 year old was perfectly three... she didn't want to leave a store that was closing and yelled very loudly. I kneeled down, spoke to her calmly with love, and kept firm on us leaving. I let her be angry - she had a right to be. I had promised her some new craft supplies, and we couldn't purchase them. I picked her up, told her I was sorry she felt so angry and that what momma promised wasn't able to happen, and we left together. I trust that she can handle the situation, and as a 3 year old, that outburst of anger WAS her way of dealing with it. If I had have let the eyes on me let me feel embarassed, I may have acted differently (read: do something mean to my daughter) but I didn't. It's hard not to, though! That pressure is real. If society as a whole accepted children for what and who they are, and stopped this rediculous notion that they should meet our adult needs, those looks wouldn't have happened... I think that many parents react to the people around them, rather than reacting to their child and to the situation, even if deep down they know it is their role to meet their child's needs. It's really sad to see, but I understand it as I feel that pressure whenever I am out with my children.
I'll expect my children to act as adults, well, when they are adults! Until then, I will guide them and help them learn all of the life lessons they are meant to in a safe and supported family structure. We won't look like anyone else's 'normal' and of course not! We are a unique family, with incredibly good kids that needed none of the culturally accepted parenting tools that hurt feelings and punish children.
“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
― Albert Einstein
I believe that you might not
I believe that you might not be the sort of family this article is representing. There absolutely is a true ADHD that very well may need medication. it is not likely that it was caused by the child's parenting. There are also, however, many children medicated for ADHD when their behavioural 'issues' are actually in the range of normal.
My 4 year old son, in JK, was accused of being ADHD due to his tendancy to hop to the learnng carpet, rather than walk. The school systems psychiatrist did indeed suggest medication and we out right refused. He is now 6, in grade 1, and doing incredibly well. He sometimes needs to walk over to another space in the classroom to concentrate when his friends are loud, and I consider that an acceptable way to control environment.
I am happy that he is incredibly unique, and that by listening to him we have been able to find a way for him to learn well. At home, we do homework outside and find ways for him to act out math and etc when he's restless. He's not in need of medication, and as this article seems to state, simply needed different parenting, teaching and environments.
I'm sorry that you've been through so much with your child, an article like this would certainly feel hurtful if you mistakenly took it to refer to every single case of ADD or ADHD in children. I do believe that they are speaking about the majority, whose tendancies to be free rather than restricted are simply 'symptoms' of being a child in a world that does not appreciate children's behaviour.
_________________________________________________________________
On another note, I love this book! I've always felt a strange pressure from other adults to restrict my children's freedoms, to make them dependant from an early age, to not spoil them, to sleep train them, to stop nursing them, to punish them for bad behaviour and to reward them for good - and I never ever ever listened. I would never remove my love due to 'bad behaviour' nor would I remove them from the family unit (like with a time out) making them change their true selves just to be accepted. Imagine the adult they would become!! Do anything to fit in...
There is intense cultural pressure though! I like that I can call it childism :) Just today, my 3 year old was perfectly three... she didn't want to leave a store that was closing and yelled very loudly. I kneeled down, spoke to her calmly with love, and kept firm on us leaving. I let her be angry - she had a right to be. I had promised her some new craft supplies, and we couldn't purchase them. I picked her up, told her I was sorry she felt so angry and that what momma promised wasn't able to happen, and we left together. I trust that she can handle the situation, and as a 3 year old, that outburst of anger WAS her way of dealing with it. If I had have let the eyes on me let me feel embarassed, I may have acted differently (read: do something mean to my daughter) but I didn't. It's hard not to, though! That pressure is real. If society as a whole accepted children for what and who they are, and stopped this rediculous notion that they should meet our adult needs, those looks wouldn't have happened... I think that many parents react to the people around them, rather than reacting to their child and to the situation, even if deep down they know it is their role to meet their child's needs. It's really sad to see, but I understand it as I feel that pressure whenever I am out with my children.
I'll expect my children to act as adults, well, when they are adults! Until then, I will guide them and help them learn all of the life lessons they are meant to in a safe and supported family structure. We won't look like anyone else's 'normal' and of course not! We are a unique family, with incredibly good kids that needed none of the culturally accepted parenting tools that hurt feelings and punish children.
“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
― Albert Einstein
I'm used to the term "Adultism"
Great article. I plan to get the book.
In reading and writing in alternative education circles (particularly about unschooling and democratic, free schools), the term I've seen is "adultism" to describe what is being called "childism" here. Did Young-Bruehl coin the term?
Regardless, it is about adults controlling the lives of children, assuming them incapable of making independent decisions and often assuming the worst, as in lazy, irresponsible, etc.
I have been involved in the school system and in working with families and have experienced everything written here. I'm glad to see some working to change that. As a societal issue it is challenging, but medicating the vast majority of children who do not actually need it is indeed a scary path to be going down.
Thank you for bringing this to our attention.
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