"I just don't understand it," he said to the group of men who were gathered around him. "When I first met her she loved this stuff about me. She was drawn to it. She even told me so. Now, it's different. She tells me I've got to change." He sits there and shakes his head. "I just don't get it."
Other men in the circle nod in agreement. They have been through it too, or at least something close enough to warrant the nodding. "It's not fair," one of them says. More nodding. "If they really dislike this stuff about us, why do they choose us in the first place? What are we supposed to do now?" Another one asks. "Become somebody different?"
It's a fair question, and it's not an uncommon one. The quality that often seems to trigger this attraction flip-flop by women is dominance or assertiveness. Frequently the guys in the group who present this story are strong men. They exude dominance. They aren't aggressive, but they are quite assertive. These are guys in their 30s, 40s and 50s. To hear them tell it, finding women has never been a problem for them. Women are drawn to the kind of men they are. If these are short-term flings, then everything seems to go smoothly, or at least as smoothly as any short-term relationship can go.
But most of these guys want more. They are seeking more permanent relationships and that's where the trouble starts. Their partners have become unhappy with them and they bring that unhappiness to the table, so to speak. They also bring it to the bed. The stories men bring to the group are surprisingly consistent, despite differences in age and ethnicity. Their partners now report feeling overwhelmed in the relationship, not having "enough air." They complain that their men are too strong, too assertive. The women don't feel like equal partners. One way or another, they now resent the dominance that once seemed so appealing and sexy to them. And so these guys end up in a group, confused, frustrated and feeling like they've been treated unfairly.
First of all, not all these guys see themselves as particularly dominant, even though other men and plenty of women do. Inside that Great Dane exterior sometimes beats the heart of a lovable puppy. But even those men who have a more realistic sense of who they are and how they're perceived feel like this is a bum rap. "I was like this the day she met me. I didn't sugarcoat anything. She was drawn to me. It turned her on. Now, a few months later, she's changed her mind. She wants me to be somebody else, somebody I'm not. If she wanted that other guy, why didn't she choose him in the first place? There are plenty of passive, mild mannered guys out there. Why wasn't she attracted to one of them?"
Many of these men also add a key piece of information. "I still like her fine as she is. I'm not asking her to change. Why can't she accept me as I am?"
So what does this mean? Were these men better judges of who their partners were from the start? Or does it mean that there is more consistency between what initially attracted these guys to their partners and what they wanted once the relationship was underway? Either way, it's worth thinking about.
I know. Nobody said love was fair. Nobody said attraction was rational or consistent. It's a fragile business, subject to the whims of hormones, social conditioning, pheromones, input from family and friends. Ask an evolutionary psychologist and they'll tell you this stuff functions well below the threshold for awareness or self-report. But that doesn't make it feel any better when you get hit right between the eyes with one of these flip-flops. And it probably doesn't feel so good to be the one doling out these inconsistent messages either.
I'm sure there are two sides to each of the stories I hear about. And I'm sure it's not just men who on the receiving end. I can't help wonder: Are there similar stories told among women? If so, are those attraction flip-flops more likely to involve physical dissatisfaction? ("He traded in a 40 year-old for two 20s")? Or do they sometimes reflect personality issues? How common is it for one woman to say to another, "He knew I was shy (or talkative or inquisitive) when he met me. Why has it become intolerable to him now ?
If women really do share stories like that, then I'd concede that these attraction flip-flops affect both sexes. But somehow, I'm doubtful. I've been in men's groups for years and I can't remember hearing a man say, "I can't stand the way she looks anymore. She's gained too much weight." Those kinds of complaints just don't surface, at least among the men I know. It is much more common in my experience for men to bring stories about how their partners have grown dissatisfied with them.
So what can we conclude from this? Are men nobler than women? Hell, no. Are men princes of honor who never waver from their initial vows? Certainly not. But I do think that men, at least the ones I have known, are more likely to be in touch with and consistent about who or what attracts them. Sure, a shapely young form may turn some married heads, but that's different from saying, "I don't like who you are any more."
Women, consider this. If you are barely five feet tall, how would it feel if your partner started complaining about, and ultimately left you for being short? There are lots of guys out there who like tall women. Wouldn't it be better if such men looked for "tallness" when they were selecting a partner? It sure beats standing over that short person they've already chosen and bellowing, "Grow, damn you. Grow!" That isn't going to accomplish a whole lot and could cause some serious pain.
Illustration by Athena Gubbe
