Caught Between Parents

Supporting children through the challenges of divorce

A Word to Mothers: You can lose your children to parental alienation

As mother's day approaches I want to take a moment to unequivocally state that yes mothers even good mothers can lose their children to parental alienation. Read More

It backfired for my mom

My mom tried to make me hate my Dad. She would always say that my Dad "Was trying to turn me against her." There was only one problem with her logic:

My Dad would never talk about my mom with me (except to get something done). He would never talk bad about her. My Mom, however, would always complain about my Dad. She couldn't let the past go and kept repeating stories of how he hurt her.

Many times, I had thought about ending my relationship with my mom, but it was my Dad who encouraged me to not cut her off.

The very person who she worried was "turning me against her" was the one who saved my relationship with her! Talk about not being grateful!

I love my mom, but I have distanced myself for my own mental health these days. I hope to have a good mother's day with her.

It backfired for my mom

There is so much your mother and father have left out of the story. Why are you so harsh on your mother? Perhaps your father did as my father did to my mother and stole the retirement money, and lied in Court so she got half the amount of support that she should have gotten and is now looking at a bleak retirement. Her comments could be her way of lessening the strife she is living through. She may be trying to hold her tongue,but the future she faces each day may make it sometimes impossible.
Perhaps you should ask her why she can't hold her tongue.
Or simply look at who is living easier with no debts. I don't know where you are, but California law states they should both be living under the same standard of living. Your Mom may not make as much as your father, and alimony may be low.
It's hard to see Dad give the children more then Mom could ever afford.

You are probably a mother

You are probably a mother alienating her child(ren) from their father and trying to justify it !

There are always two sides to

There are always two sides to every story.

You can still undermine without bad talking

I think Parental Alienation can be done so insidiously that a parent doesn't even have to out right "say" something bad about the other parent in order to manipulate the child. Sometimes the undermining can come been done through little situations, gestures or innuendos. To an easily influenced child/person, this could be a convert way of doing this while still looking like the good (guy).

The same scenario

All I can say is well done and thank god you came out good and your dad stood by you. I think this is happening to me and my daughter who lives with her mother. My partner and I never say a bad word to her about her mum but I can assure you I could have with the amount of vitriolic hatred her mother has for me. Often my daughter will say odd things to my partner and me which indicate she is being primed and copying her mother. It must have been torturous for you going through this, I bet for many years and probably only having a real relationship with your dad when you were grown up enough to make your own decisions. I have an uphill struggle as my daughter is only 3 but I swear I'll never give up on her, stand by her side forever and hopefully she will come good like you. Bless you. You are an inspiration x

Mothers Day warning

I just want to say I support you mothers who are alienated from your children. I know well the effects. There are some very disturbed people outside doors. Take comfort that you are not alone for simply perhaps being a little naieve. We must help each other cope with ourselves and seeing our precious children abused. Hopefully this disease will be named 'offically' quite soon and these perps will be put in the corner into which they must be placed to face their fears which drive them to control others.

Mother's Day

Yesterday was my birthday. I am now well into the room called "Senior". My health isn't the greatest. Today is Mother's Day". I sent cards to my daughter and only child. She has two children I have never met. My grandchildren. I also sent a card to the other grandmother..."From one mother-in-law to the other". The cards will arrive late because the lady who looks after "In honour of ..." cards was on vacation. So I wrote a wee poem in the cards; "By the calender, These cards will arive late. But mothering, Never has an end-date." I was thinking of them when I wrote it, but it equally...maybe more so...applies to me.
It is really hard on occassions like today, especially when one appreciates how time passes all too quickly, to "take the high road", keep "positive" and optimistic. I do have hope. I try not to dwell on that too much. But in these past few months, I have let go of any expectations. After over 14 years, it is unlikely that reunification will ever happen. I feel badly for my daughter actually, because some day, her children will learn that they had a grandmother they were prevented from meeting.
There ! There's my "pity party" for this year. Now back to arranging the gifts for my estranged family members that they cannot return. Like fruit trees for Haiti, solar cookers, and water filtration systems. That is fun, and hopeful, and positive. Even optimistic.

Kudos to you..

I appreciate your honesty and your relentless persistence, only love can do that.

Alienation By Manipulation

This problem is not only about parental alienation. Manipulative tactics work on adults too.

Many adults poison their spouses mind against his or her family too and alienate them and their children from their family groups.

It's mothers day today. My oldest son whose mind is poisoned by his wife was missed and so were my grandchildren whom I am denied access too.

There should be laws against bullies whom use manipulative tactics to hurt and punish others for self centered reasons.

I Am an alienated Mother

I am an alienated mother. While I did see my two teenage sons yesterday, the emotional distance that they keep from me always pierces my heart and causes me desperate sadness. For years, I was overcome with shame and humiliation, really believing that if I had only been "good" enough my boys wouldn't hate me so. But the 'if only' thinking strategy only leads me down the rabbit hole. Like Alice in Wonderland, talking to my ex was an experience in conversing with the Red Queen. I became a certified mediator thinking that it was a communication issue, and I was sure that if I learned every negotiating and communication technique known to man perhaps, I could turn the tide. Silly me;I still thought I could control the situation, how sad. Now I know better, this was and is, a psychological health issue. Alice is quite good expressing her thoughts, it is the Queen that drags her in mental circles. But Alice, so trusting that she just needs to explain herself 'just right' and never once did it cross her mind that the Queen was just toying with her.

While it is quite easy for our society to believe in the concept of brainwashing as it pertains to abductors or zealot dictators, it is quite another thing for those in our culture to admit that parents brainwash their own children. Or perhaps we should call it cultural conditioning? I think the family unit is still quite a taboo place to interfere in our culture. This may be one of the primary reasons that it is so difficult (if not impossible) for us to get others involved in our cases. After all, we all have ways & methods that we have personally chosen to raise our children that we wouldn't want others to interfere with the family court system would rather not open Pandora's box.

Today's family court system is bogged down with parents who cannot even hold a job or stay sober long enough to care for their children. Children who are beaten, starved, sold into sexual slavery, children who's every day existence is in jeopardy. Parent's like us are whiners to the legal system
(albeit whiners who are the sole reason that lawyers can floss their BMW's across town). What we are really talking about her is trying to have regulations and policy around parenting. As parent's just how much and to what degree are we expected to maintain our child's emotional health? Family connections? Respect and love for others? Compassion & Empathy? Who say's we must do this? What happens if we do not? The courts are fantastic at outlining visitation schedules and child support payments but they draw the line at regulating these amorphous parenting concepts. How on earth are we going to climb this Everest?

Maternal Alienation

Please visit the MAMA page about alienation against mothers. You will find other mothers who are in your shoes. You will find support and info there, hope to see you there.

I have been alienated from my

I have been alienated from my children and haven't seen them for 8 years now. I have only just come across them term 'Parental Alienation' as there is no information about it in the UK.

Have you found support in the UK, yet?

Hi, Jo -
Sorry to hear that you're suffering with this, too. Have you found support yet? I am struggling with this and am really trying to find UK support.
I'd love to hear from you if poss.
Another Jo!

Alienation and support in the U.K.

Hi to both Jo's and all the other alienated parents. Whilst I am still writing my book for myself and other mums alienated from their children and keeping an eye on the whereabouts of my alienated son. This is because his father seems to be running/moving addresses again... this has been created by his own behaviours of avoidance and his own untruths. I have recently been sent solicitors letters trying to wipe me clean financially. I have come across a site that seems to support moms. I have looked up justice for fathers and then looked for the same for moms. I came up with this I will continue to look for others as I research and continue to write my book. My email is if you ladies would like to chat. If anyone else wants me to highlight their plights within my book I will be more than delighted to as the U.K has not got enough recognition into this painful abuse. Get in touch soon ladies and take care. Helen X

Maternal Alienation

Ladies, come and join the MAMA Alliance by LIKING, posting and commenting on the page. It's a page in support of fit mothers who have been alienated from their children by their exes.
MATERNAL ALIENATION is the specific alienation against the mothers, not that this doesn't happen to fathers. But this page is devoted to the mother victims.

I have been alienated from my

I have been alienated from my children and haven't seen them for 8 years now. I have only just come across them term 'Parental Alienation' as there is no information about it in the UK.

Maternal Alienation

Please come to our page and join the effort in fighting for mothers who are alienated from their children. You will also find other mothers there who you can relate with and to.

My son has ex-communicated me

My son has ex-communicated me from his life. I try and try and nothing. I just keep texting him because I'm just not gonna give up unless he changes his number or something. I am in therapy for this reason.His dad and step-mom play it off well that they got along with me perfectly and treated me splendidly. That is not how it went down. I was nice to them because I had to be and never called his dad names or say anything negative about him, except one time my son who was around 8 said his dad told him he had a dream he was sweating blood. That really made me angry and I said firmly and with all authority that his father should not tell him things like that. Honestly, I can't remember if this came up in therapy or not but somehow I feel it was suggested to me that my son knows I can't stand his father. Kids pick up on that. Somehow it all turns back to me beating myself up so much, I forget what actually happened. It is awful to live life this way and I struggle with it each and every day. If my son's not on my mind one day-he'll end up in my nightmares the next.

I am an alienated mother

I am an alienated mother who did not know what PA was until my therapist told me. Then, because I was in graduate school for psychology, I used the resources in their library to become educated about what it was and what I could do about it - I even devoted a semester's project to it. I deal with a narcissistic ex who hid his entire life he was gay. Embarrassed he was caught cheating- and lying- he ended the marriage and has been angry at me ever since (and his lover hates me even more than he does). Instead of processing his anger, he has tried to make my life as miserable as possible. Here are some examples: filing false claims about me and my new husband, moving into my home 1 year after we separated when we were on vacation- talk about confusing for our kids!, calling the cops on my then-fiance when our kids were there just to harrass us, texting derogatory things about me to my oldest, putting software on my computer then taking my personal letters and sending them to my oldest anonymously telling her this was what her mother was really like, telling my kids not to talk to me because anything they said would end up on my website...I "lost" my oldest last year when my ex called me up to talk about parenting better, met me in a diner, then told me my oldest was never coming back- she wasn't "safe." The weekend before we had the kids raking leaves. She said it was child abuse. Now when I see kids raking leaves, I want to take pictures! There's a lot of abuse out there! She has not moved back, but our relationship is better than it has been. Now I worry about the younger 2 kids, but I have learned that I am going to be the same mother I have always been. I can't be afraid to set up structure in my house just because my ex is willing to exploit that. Thank you Amy for all the work you've done in this field. It is so important! I should also mention that my husband's ex is now best friends with my ex - and she has alienated my husband's son from him. Now they bond over their mutual hatred of us, I am sure speaking unkindly about us. I just hope my other two are strong enough to withstand the denigration. One last thing - I have written 2 books on my divorce and got sued for libel- which he dropped when he realized he didn't have a case. I am very careful about keeping information libel-free so it has felt so good to write about what I've been through!

Alienated mothers

Hi Nicole

I have read your comments about studying psychology and devoting research and work in light of this. I did exactly the same I did also study psychology and looked at my life through the eyes of existential counselling and psychology. When I read back over that work it gives me compassion for what I have suffered. I hope you have the same feelings for your abuse too on reading back over the work. Oh and can you advise me on the books that you have written - I would love to read them. I am now embarking on the beginning's of my first book. Any stories that anyone wants to donate would be gratefully received. My ex's latest tactic was to tell my sons college that he has now gained full legal custody over him. Therefore they have completely shut me out. However I do know he has not got custody he has simply crowned the effect of having him live with him and alienated against me as a mom.
I hope your well and look forward to a response soon. Take care Helen

Your book and support

Hi, Helen -
I'm a writer and would be interested in sharing some of my story with you if you're still writing your book - mothers need to know about this. I'm actively looking for support myself, so this might help me to find it. Any ideas you may have in that regard would be hugely appreciated!
Wishing you well -

Alienation of moms in the UK

Hi Jo and other moms

Yes I am still writing my book and would love to include some of your experience of alienation in there. There is not enough recognition in this country into this very painful ongoing behaviour. My Skype addy is Helen.morgan874, email is too if anyone wishes to get in touch. I am in touch with my MP right now with a lot of issues from my ex husb and his current behaviours. I have also got the number of a lady that builds web sites and am going to enquire if she can help set one up. This I a quick note to anyone who is interested. I aim to highlight how prolific this needs to be in the U.K. There are too many parents out there in so much emotional pain. I will respond very soon with some feedback off my investigations from my local councillor who is lovely. I will also make great endeavours into this website if I can.

Please feel free to email me or Skype me anytime.

Stay safe ladies and get in touch soon :)


your book and support

Hi to both Jo's and all the other alienated parents. Whilst I am still writing my book for myself and other mums alienated from their children and keeping an eye on the whereabouts of my alienated son. This is because his father seems to be running/moving addresses again... this has been created by his own behaviours of avoidance and his own untruths. I have recently been sent solicitors letters trying to wipe me clean financially. I have come across a site that seems to support moms. I have looked up justice for fathers and then looked for the same for moms. I came up with this I will continue to look for others as I research and continue to write my book. My email is if you ladies would like to chat. If anyone else wants me to highlight their plights within my book I will be more than delighted to as the U.K has not got enough recognition into this painful abuse. Get in touch soon ladies and take care. Helen X

RE: Your book and support from Jo

Hi there again Jo

I am currently into my second chapter of my book and am keeping an open mind on your story being included into this. I hope your well and because of not hearing from you am wondering if everything is okay? I have replied to you previously and hope your not struggling. I am here to speak to as support. Speak soon Jo.

Take care Helen

Carbon copy!

Nicole - the same thing has happened to me. Your story is virtually exactly the same as mine, and I'm hurting more today especially as it's the day after my daughter's birthday and she responded to my message to her with yet more venom. I'm keen to find a support group for alienated mothers in the UK, but until I find it, have you any suggestions where I can find support online? I'm really struggling with this. Wish you well, and thanks for sharing this story. There is a bit strength to be found in reading that someone else is going through the same hell, although I wish for both of us it wasn't happening at all!

I am a stranger to my 3 girls due to their narcissist father.

I am so glad the plight of us mothers out there is finally being acknowledged. I have (had) 3 daughters ages 17,16 & 12.
I believe the alienation started in 2005 when I had a bleed in my brain which caused me to become permanently disabled with left sided paralysis. He became resentful of me because he suddenly had all of the things that I used to take care of thrust upon him, while I was struggling with physical, occupational and speech therapy, and depression.
He would do things like *leave the room in the middle of my sentences right in front of the kids.
*"forget" to include me in activities such as the girls soccer games.
*Blamed me for money problems (even though he could have got a job).
*criticized me on my reactions or non-reaction to circumstances or events "you are being too sensitive" or "doesn't that bother you?,well it should"These were just some of the ways he would devalue and degrade me. All so that he could be the perpetual victim and to deflect his shortcomings as a husband and father to our girls.
So, I made the mistake of leaving my 18 year marriage rather abruptly last summer. While on a visit to my Dads house back east, he had our daughters and a female "friend" of his pack up my clothes and some personal property and parked it right by the front door. That was just the beginning of his tactics, which included :
*telling them all of our marital issues we had in the past and the present (they did not need to know every detail of our issue)
* putting me on speaker phone so they could "hear both sides" during conversations where he would bait me into arguments so he could look like a victim of my bitchiness.
*allowed them to disrespect me by hanging up on me whenever I attempted contact with them.
*Lies included I abandoned my family after taking all of the money. These events were after I returned from my visit with my Dad. I could go on and on with examples. * filed a domestic violence restraining order against me (it was based on my attempts to get my clothes and the things they packed up). He said they were afraid of me , even though I have never,ever hurt or abused them or even threatened it.) He was ordered by family court to take them to at least 12 sessions with a therapist , which he has ignored The last communication I had with my now 17 year old was " I hate you. Why don't you just go die or ruin someone else's life" Which really hurt me because I really did almost die in 2005.
*There has been mean, hateful postings by them about me on facebook. All of my online emails and accounts were hacked by my middle daughter, which my ex knew about, but did nothing but shake his head and say "well , you brought this all onto yourself with your decisions."
I can't afford an attorney on my SSDI income, so I have been powerless during this divorce. Thank God I have been able to use the internet to help me in the proceedings so far.

*I have been able to repair the relationship with my now 18 year old but only slightly. She pays a price though by his emotional abuse using remarks like "she has jumped ship to the enemy" Now she fights with her sisters all of the time, and she is sad all of the time and has trouble coping with even the smallest things.
* My now 13 year old had problems last school year (7th grade) missed a lot of days, so many that she had to do home schooling so could do to catch up. There has been mean, hateful postings about me on facebook. All of my online emails and accounts wrre hacked by my middle daughter, which my ex knew about, but did nothing about

Narcissist father

My prayers are with you mam. I wish i knew who you were to walk with you in this struggle. Your post is exactly what I am going through with my ex and my 3 children. He too has filed countless legal documents against me identical to yours and more. This July will make 4 years in the legal system with no end in sight. My strength comes to me from my church and prayer to the lord. May I suggest finding a church who has a sozo program. It has truly helped and I no longer accept anything he does as personal attacks and neither should you Because this is a problem within him, not a problem within you. Forgive him for everything he does wrong, release him from your life and bless him every day. Someday the kids will realize what he did and they will resent him. Just remember that everything happens for a reason and it happens all for the greater good. May God bless you with health and healing..

Mother of a soon to be 13 and

Mother of a soon to be 13 and 8 yr.old boys. Lost custody because I did't come from a financially well-off and stable family. Guardian ad-litem didn't believe anything I told her. After court was done, saw her wink at my ex-husband's lawyer and knew there was no chance! Going on 8 yrs. and HURTS as if it just happened. My sons, when they see me, are so happy, full of energy. If I was a bad mom, I wouldn't be greeted with so much happiness and love. I wanted 50/50 custody and He wanted it all. I felt let down by the Justice system. I'm serious, when I say I ALWAYS think about them! The separation makes me feel like a disgrace and a DEAD-BEAT mom. My family disowned me at the peak of it all. When I talk to someone to let it out. I'm always told (which I hate to hear)."They're good, They're better off, They're financially stable, have good family support and great education." I'm like WOW, I can't provide. The core values being taught, my ex and I both agreed on and my way of doing so. Since they were in my womb. I read, taught different languages/sign and music. Most of all, I never let MY Sons go! My ex was into his job and martial arts, that kept him away. My oldest said where is dad? Why is he always busy? I'd tell him don't worry, he'll come around. I've told my ex and yes my ex tried, but wasn't consistent. My mother-inlaw knew everything. She is the mom of my heart. I turned to her for anything and everything. Loyal to help her son get her grandchildren(which I truly understand). Upset and hurt that I didn't want her son anymore. Of all people I didn't think she would let this happen. Pleading to them to please be reasonable. When they say NO, I get so angry and start to yell and tell me this is why! I'd say you too will be very UPSET, if not INSANE! for separating us for no reason. I missed every 1st. milestones of my youngest. Their b-days are in the same week and the week of Mother's day. Can't see them or any other holiday. Court has me on 4 hrs. 1 day a week. I promise, I didn't do anything illegal or hurt my sons in any way. Just the cards that were dealt. All kinds of emotions run, especially when I hear/read of drunk drivers, drug addicts and ignorant parents that don't appreciate them. How important and limited time is. I die slowly everyday without them. Just can't wrap my head around this. Grew up in a very abusive home. Not an intentional trouble maker, a survivor and all the challenges that I've Faced. Did not prepare me for this. Words aren't enough to describe the heartache and not being able to fix. He makes great Money. I pay child support and barely make ends meet. In so much debt since the divorce and child support. I landed in a underground well with smooth walls with no way out and no way to dig. The light I hold is fading after 8 yrs. and no change. I try, try and I fail. Not sure, to say I'm glad that I'm not alone and that good/great moms/dads who got the worst outcome of a bad situation. For I don't wish this on anyone. Thank you for reading my story. Thank you for not passing judgement. I pray, hope and wish all good moms and dads that lost their child/ren, to persevere and endure. Someday, hopefully they'll come back into our arms. For most of us, it may well be into adulthood. So what! They are still ours to have, to hold and to cherish till end of time. I know my sons won't know the true extent. I don't talk about their father except for the good qualities. Don't know if it can be said for me and don't believe that talking bad will change my outcome. To my 2 handsome men, Ethan and Xavier, I'm sorry, so sorry. Not being your mom has caused me great pain and sorrow. I carry the burden of failure and drag shame like a ball and chain. I close my eyes hard, tell myself this is a bad dream and WAKE UP! Your dad keeps you both busy. Busy that you forget to call or even remember my birthday. You tell me that you don't want me at your awards or recitals. Not cause of hate, but respect for your dad and his family that raised you and X for the past 8 yrs. and I accept it will be for now on. Kills me!! No matter, I will always be there for you both even if left behind and forgotten.

Parental alienation syndrome

I have also been alienated from my sons... it started when my children were young when my ex would basically do little things to undermine me, refuse to address any issues I was having with my sons because "I must have done something to make them act that way" My sons were 4 and 1 when I got divorced, I agreed to joint legal/physical custody because I thought it was the right thing to do. STUPID me. My ex married the woman he was cheating on me with (when I was pregnant) a few years later, and there were more comments made as to questioning my parenting etc. when my older son became a teenager I was having a much more difficult time with him,and he would call me horrible names, actually lifted a chair over his head once to hit me with it. Begged my ex to allow me to bring him to counseling, he tainted that, convinced my son that the therapist and I were ganging up on him. Again, I was the problem, one night my son was so disrespectful towards me I could not let it go, he was 16, I took away his XBOX for punishment, he and his brother walked out the next day and never came back. I could see this coming with my older son, but my younger son? He was 13 at the time and we had a terrific relationship. That soon changed, both boys refused to speak to me, tried mediation (WHAT A JOKE) then tried one on one counseling with my younger son but his father had to pick out the therapist, and somehow convinced my son to say he was afraid of being in the BUILDING with me and had to have dad or stepmother with him. That did not last long, I jumped through all sorts of hoops including agreeing to not take pictures at his 8th grade graduation. Meanwhile my ex BLOCKED his home phone number, so I could no longer call to try to talk to the boys, the only way I could be in touch was through dad's cell phone. I was sued for full custody, what choice did I have? My lawyer was awful his started to accuse me of abuse and insinuated I had HURT my sons somehow and did I want to have to go to court? Of course, I am paying child support! Massachusetts is the only state that forces you to pay through the age of 23!!! My ex makes a 6 figure salary, his wife works, I work as a teacher and have a second job during the summer because I can not afford it. One year passed, two, now it has been almost five years. I have been to everything PUBLIC to support my sons in sports, academics, etc. This Friday my younger son graduates from high school. He will be going to college(58,000) a year... guess who has to pay for it? I have missed so many moments I will never get back. Birthdays, Christmases, proms, getting licenses etc. The agony over the last five years has been endless.
I call Friday, the Day of Death. The final Death of my relationship with either of my sons because the only way I have been able to see them is through public events for school I have researched to attend (mostly sports a few coffee house performances where my son played guitar and sang!)I went to EVERYTHING. I last saw my older son in October 2013 at his brother's senior night for soccer, he actually spoke to me and was pleasant. I thought I had turned a corner that night with them, my younger son gave me the "rose" mother's get at the ceremony. I was on Cloud 9... I should have known it was all a ruse. I had a phonecall with my ex about college costs, he asked if he could use my address (I live in MA) for college applications, I said NO because my son legally lived in another state it was wrong to do that. Have not had any pleasant interactions since. Found out tonight I was not being given a ticket to HS graduation by my son, my ex sent an email that my son did not want me to have one. Will I be there??? YOU BET!!!! I teach in the district, and get better seats than the regular attendees, I wanted my son to want me there. NO graduation photos for me with my son smiling, I have never seen my older son's college dorm, I am sure I will not see my younger son's either. So Date of DEATH June 6th 2014... then I have to figure out how to put this pain, sadness, and anger aside and realize my sons are adults and hope they come back some day. I highly doubt it which is sad. I have been grieving for five years the boys I raised sang songs to, read stories to, cheered for, went on trips with, made scrapbooks for, taught life lessons to (be kind, do for others,etc)Now they are strangers who share my gene pool. How do you explain that to someone? I feel guilt, shame, despair and wonder how I am going to make it through the next few days. I made it through almost five years now, but the next few days are paramount to the end. So much to tell... thank you for reading sorry it is so long... Recently found two books on Amazon about PAS and it has been helpful reading. Highly suggest it, wish I had found them five years ago.

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Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D., researches parental alienation and children of divorce.


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