Career to Commitment

Finding Fulfillment in Work and Love

Is He Gay?

If he isn't a traditional Alpha and doesn't toss her on the bed and rip off her clothes on the first date, he must be gay, right? Read More

I'm not sure this is the best advice....

As for your sex life, you are far likelier to build a fulfilling intimate relationship with a man who knows how to be tender and loving in bed -- and over the long haul that really is what you want.

Because its obviously not what they want. This whole Alpha/Beta thing is a bit overblown. You are approaching this from a bad boy/nice guy angle. You can be a dominant male without being a jerk in the long run.

So the Alpha female marries the Beta male as you suggest who's all snugly and supportive and then she has an affair with another alpha male who makes her toes curl later. Sexual compatibility is a huge part of a married relationship, and if you start on different levels, its a gamble to assume that they will align in the future. Its hard enough when you both start liking the same things.

If a womans goal is strictly stability and control then yes getting a man you can dominate would work. Though still, even when that is the womans goal I'm not sure it works out in the long run very well. I've seen that on a few occasions and they all ended with her leaving.

Nope, not gay.

As a 75 year old somewhat accomplished male dancer I’m at a time and place where I meet many attractive women. I never assume that the women are there for any purpose other than to dance. If a woman has any other interest in my companionship it’s not difficult for her to open the door for some appropriate response from me. It's the perhaps now antiquated practice called flirting as we practiced it prior to this age of hookups. Henceforth it should not be long before she can confirm that I’m not gay.

You REEEEEEEally hit the nail on the head

I agREEEEEE completely that women REEEEally worREEEEEEE too much about men being gay. Just because a man loves Liza Minnelli and Bette Midler, just because he enjoys gladiator movies, and just because he enjoys being sodomized, that's no reason to REEEEEEject him as gay.

Look at me- I love all those things, but I'm still a veREEEEEE masculine male who loves camping and canoeing.


Ned BEatty

Loved this article

OMG I have to say that I have been struggling with this exact topic in my relationship. I have been so ashamed that I haven't even told my best friends. I have been with my BF for 11 months now and although I still wonder on less occasions, I still do. I am an mega Alpha female and have worked with nothing but males my whole life (40ish years old). My BF is in most ways an alpha male. He is in the Army, loves 4-wheeling, camping and football. However, he is in his early 40’s and has only ever been in a longer relationship once in his life and that was a 3 year non marriage. All of his other relationships were 3 months or less. He has some feminine mannerisms (crosses his legs like most females do and some other movements). You might think that I am just being silly but it is a real fear for me. After being in a horrible relationship before him, to now having someone to treat me nice is really making me see things that I shouldn’t. After reading this article I have been set straight………LMAO pun intended. You made me look at things in a new light and to stop trying to put him in a box. I see that he does love touching ME and not only says the right stuff but more importantly his actions support this. I think if I were his “cover story” his actions would be for others and after 11 months it would diminish in private. The single most moving sentence in your article was when you said "If he's gay, why in the world would he be interested in you?". I sat back and thought that through and I found that I am an alpha female that has some male traits and he is an alpha male that has some female traits. Mine make me no more gay than his makes him gay. Don’t listen to your eyes but feel with your heart. Thank you so much for writing this article.

My opinion

If a man went out with Sonya Rhodes on a date and didn't tear off her clothes and throw her on the bed and have his way with her, that certainly doesn't prove he's gay.

It just proves he isn't blind.

another piece of the puzzle

Women tend to think that men are wired for sex most of the time. Some may be but not necessarily with their girl friend or wives.
We hook up with people we connect with within the pool of available candidates within our environment. Man can love their spouses but it doesn't necessarily mean they were turned on enough to want to tear their clothes off even on that first date.

We are not that "hot", I include myself. Some women think of themselves otherwise but the fix here is a simple reality adjustment. It doesn't make us any less special or wonderful.

Thank you for addressing this

In sixth form, all the girls in my year endlessly speculated about my sexuality, and as a form of gender policing, it got quite abusive. Was I gay? No.

Could I overhear everything that was being said about me just a few feet away? Yes.

I still refuse to talk to those women to this day, and it's funny to see the look on their faces when they see me with my girlfriend.

Women's rape culture.

"The latest word from college campuses is that women have begun to complain that men are not asking them out. That's right: Men at their hormonal peak are going to class side by side with nubile young women who outnumber them, and are simply ignoring or shunning them. Some report being repeatedly asked "Are you gay?" by frustrated coeds. This is what happens when women complain for forty years about being used as sex objects: Eventually men stop using them as sex objects."
- F. Roger Devlin, from the section "Sexual Thermidor", in Sexual Utopia in Power (2006).

Or, the blogger Captain Capitalism put it:
You women and feminism won the "battle of the sexes".

women love to play up the

women love to play up the alpha/beta BS...and thats what that is BS,,yet will go absolutely BALLISTIC if a man dare gender stereotype them in any way or put them intp a category or box...maybe a dude doesn't want to toss you on the bed and undress some of you gals because he's well...not attracted to you and repulsed by you..Ah women and their large egos thinking all guys want them *yawn*

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Dr. Rhodes is an individual and couples therapist and author in New York City.

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