Buddy System

Men's friendships are different from women's

Geoffrey Greif — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 14:45:02 +0000

I am constantly asked, "How are men's friendships different from women's?"

Men "tend" (because I am not speaking of all men or all women) to have shoulder-to-shoulder friendships and women face-to-face friendships. Paul Wright used these terms in a 1982 article in Sex Roles and they refer to men feeling more comfortable interacting with men around activities - we get together and do things together, like sports. Women tend to feel more comfortable facing each other over coffee and conversing directly with fewer distractions. Men are socialized to compete through structured activities, like sports and pay checks; women compete in less structured ways - appearance, demeanor, warmth. (This is changing, most markedly for women who now slightly outnumber men in the workplace, despite their earning less than men.) So men approach friendships differently - through activities - 80% of the men interviewed for my book said they participate in sports with their friends; no women gave that answer though a few said they exercise with friends. Shopping is a more common activity for women - only one man out of 386 said he shopped with his friends.

Women put a much greater value on frequent contact with friends than do men; women reach out more to friends to maintain that contact than do men; women were much less apt to be concerned about appearing homosexual by showing too much affection than were men; women were more apt to be supportive with friends by listening - men were more apt to be supportive by giving advice. AND, women tend to be more emotionally and physically expressive with their friends than men (perhaps linked to some men's fears of appearing gay, but maybe more due to other socialization/biological factors).

These are a few areas where there are differences - but, these are all matters of degree and may not apply to any one individual.

Responses to Clark and Gerrido and Men Friends

Geoffrey Greif — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 21:34:28 +0000

Re: men's friendships ---- let us remember that friends are human, too, with their loyalties and their doubts. Friends often see flaws but are still accepting. The two guys on tv in Ray Clark's corner are just that - normal guys who, for the moment, were sticking by their friend until they have reason to believe they should not. For all we know, they have reached that point by now and have dropped him as a friend; it is hard to say.

The point of the original blog was to look at the difference in these two high profile cases and the friends that have stepped forward (warts and all for Clark) and the friends that have not appeared (as in the case of Gerrido). Clark's friends were blind-sided by the charges against him, according to what they said. If Gerrido had friends who knew about his alleged years-long criminal activity and did nothing, they would be complicit in criminal behavior. Did Gerrido have friends who hung out in his backyard and knew what was going on? Nothing indicates this from the stories I have read. He had no male friends. Clark did/does.

Why consider others' behavior? Learning about the lives of these two men provides an opportunity to think about male friendships. In my book, I interviewed a 70-year-old who said he wanted his friend to stand up for him in front of others, even when he was wrong. He was referring to casual, non-criminal behavior - like a judgement call on the back line of the court while playing tennis; if he thinks it was out, his tennis partner (his friend) should support him. Men want backup and many men provide that to others because they want it for themselves.

On a different level, this raises the philosophical question about friendships: What do any of us do when someone we know, love, trust, and call a friend, does something that is heinous? When do we drop a friend?

Ray Clark, Phillip Garrido, and men friends

Geoffrey Greif — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 18:18:30 +0000

Two high profile men, one in his early 20s and the other in his late 50s, have made the news recently for their alleged criminal acts. Ray Clark is the suspect in the high profile murder of the Yale garduate student and Phillip Gerrido is charged with the 1991 kidnapping and sexual abuse of a then 11-year-old girl who he held captive for 18 years. Last week, two of Clark's men friends were interviewed on the Today Show. They were there, essentially, to stick up for their friend. They had grown up with Clark, had never seen the kind of behavior he was accused of, and were stunned that he was charged with the murder. They had their friend's back. The two guys were not blind to the charges against Clark and the criminal case that was being built against him. They said, when pressed, that he was innocent until proven guilty. My impression is that they were open to the fact that he might be found guilty but, short of being Clark's conviction, they were standing by their friend. These were two guys trying to do good in the best sense of the phrase.

In my book Buddy System: Understanding male friendships, other men have described a friend as someone who has your back and is there for you, someone who you could call at 2 a.m. and they would come to your aid, no questions asked. One man even joked during the one of the interviews with me that a friend would come and help you dispose of the body and not ask questions. People with friends do commit horrible crimes (and I am not including gang behavior here). Aristotle's beliefs aside (as described in an earlier blog), friendships and social contacts obviously do not inoculate you from criminal behavior, though they may protect you from such behavior sometimes if friends stop you from getting too socially isolated or discourage you from something you are about to do.

We contrast Clark's situation with Phillip Gerrido's. My understanding of his case is that he had no male friends. While most of these guys do tend to be isolates, some literature on pedophiles does indicate that men may get together with other men to pool their resources in entrapping children - I don't know that to be the case here. But Gerrido, despite his relationship with his wife Nancy, has not had men friends come to his defense. My guess is that he had none.

I was touched by Clark's two pals, willing to get on the hot seat in defense of their pal, even though they were clearly riven with doubt about him in ways they never had been before. Friends should never turn a blind eye on criminal or risky behaviors. Friends are there to stop us from getting into trouble (if they can) and to provide support so that trouble stays at bay. But sometimes, even that is not enough. For example, in this case, and if Ray Clark is guilty, he has friends who are acting like good friends - but they were not able to prevent a murder.

If we turn out to be the friend of someone who does evil, it forces us to look at our own life and our own ability to predict a friend's behavior. And, sometimes, no matter how well we know someone, that is impossible to do.

Jaycee Dugard in Perpsective

Geoffrey Greif — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 17:34:02 +0000

My op-ed piece, below, was published in yesterday's Baltimore Sun. What I did not discuss in the piece is my guess that Phillip Garrido did not have men friends in his life. I will blog about this in the near future.

The case of Jaycee Dugard and her two daughters is terrifying, but we need to keep things in perspective. What happened to Ms. Dugard is so shocking, in part, because it is so rare.

The case is certainly horrifying on multiple levels: that any child could be snatched off the street, be sexually abused and then become emotionally attached to someone like Phillip Garrido; that the victim would give birth to his children; that Mr. Garrido's wife would be complicit in some manner; that Ms. Dugard and her children did not escape; that children were raised with little contact with the social, educational and medical worlds; that authorities and neighbors missed earlier opportunities to blow the whistle; that a convicted sex offender was in the neighborhood; that Mr. Garrido's father said he was mentally unstable and did not intervene; and so on.

However, according to a 1999 National Incidence Study that looked at all categories of missing children, the odds are roughly one in a million that a child will experience what the authors of the study call a "stereotypical kidnapping" - a small subset of nonfamily abductions where he or she is kept in hiding for a lengthy period of time and possibly killed. There are estimated to be 115 per year of these in the U.S. By contrast, the vast majority of nonfamily abductions (estimated at 12,000 annually) are resolved within a short period of time.

Slightly more than 1 percent of all children are reported missing in any one year. Children are much more apt to run away, be thrown out of their homes, or become lost for a benign reason than they are to be abducted.

Let us remember, too, that family abduction is much more common - four to five times as likely - and also can cause significant harm to a child.

Research I recently completed for the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children focused on parentally kidnapped children who were missing for a lengthy period of time and had reunited with their left-behind parent. All those I interviewed were adults at the time of our contact and had been missing for between 18 months and 14 years.

The heart of the interviews dealt with their first experiences seeing their left-behind families again, and then what their ongoing experiences were. The longer the time missing, the greater the shock on the part of both the child and left-behind family members in seeing the physical changes that had occurred in the other person. Family members struggled to recognize each other, even for the shorter-term abductions.

Some children had their guard up, ready to protect the abductor. Many were haunted by the pain they saw in the eyes of the left-behind parent, a mirror of their own pain. Children felt misunderstood, unknown, let down, and, in some cases, even more alone than before, when they realized the reunification was not going to be easy or heal all the wounds.

Their problems continue well into adulthood. Time helps but does not erase many of their wounds, even 10 and 20 years later. Difficulties continue with forming relationships, allowing their own children freedom, trusting authority figures, bonding with their left-behind parent, and dealing with guilt because they blame themselves for the abduction.

Whether Jaycee Dugard and her daughters will experience these symptoms cannot be predicted. When something so unspeakably unfair occurs to an 11-year-old and then ends in reunification 18 years later, we are transfixed. But the painful aftermath of the much more common abductions does not abate for others. Just ask those who have been abducted by a parent and eventually return home. Even years later, many are reminded of their own experience and are re-traumatized every time another child is taken.

It is natural to be interested in and concerned about high-profile, stereotypical kidnappings like Jaycee Dugard's. But interest in such cases should not lead us to forget about the victims of more common kinds of abductions, or lead us unnecessarily fear the wrong things.

Geoffrey Greif is a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work and the co-author with Rebecca Hegar of "When Parents

Kidnap: The families behind the headlines." His e-mail is ggreif@ssw.umaryland.edu.

This appeared in the September 7, 2009 Baltimore Sun as an op-ed piece.

Men in couples and their friendships

Geoffrey Greif — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 15:15:37 +0000

Are men different with their friends when they get into couples? New research I am conducting with Kathy Deal that continues earlier work published in Buddy System, indicates that they might be. Think about how you make friends with your own buddies and then think about what happens to those friendships when you are with your partner (we are assuming heterosexuality here). Are you on guard around your girlfriend/wife? Do you and your male friend censor yourself when you are with your significant others? Do you have the sense that your partners are censoring themselves? This is a broad area of friendship to consider.

Moving to a specific topic about these relationships: If you are about to go out with another couple, do you agree in advance that there are certain topics that will not be discussed or are those topics just undertstood to be off-limits?

One scenario - you are worried about being fired because of cutbacks. You are very upset about this. You tell your wife but are emotional when sharing your fears with her. Would you ask her to not share this with another couple you are about to go out with? Or would she just know that this is your story and yours to share, not hers? But what if it affects her, too? Does that change anything.

Who gets to share what with another couple? I wonder what you think?

Can buds Crowley and Gates have a beer together?

Geoffrey Greif — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 01:00:44 +0000

Friends have beers together. Can Officer Crowley and Professor Gates pretend to be buds? I wonder how the conversation at the White House will go down.

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President Obama - Welcome, Officer. Welcome Professor. I am glad you both could make it to DC though I understand why you took different flights here.

Professor Gates - Thank you for having us, Mr. President. Yes, I figured I ran the risk of getting cuffed again if we flew together.

Officer Crowley - Thank you for the invitation, Mr. President. I did not wish to have a reference made to my mother so I opted for a different flight, too.

PO - What kind of beer do you want? We have light, dark, ales. Just about anything.

PG - I am watching my weight so I will take a light. It is hard to stay in shape when you are in your late 50s and walking with a cane...which I think would be pretty obvious to anyone who was not stupid.

OC - I will have an ale. That's what I was drinking when you called me, Mr. President, to apologize.

PO - I remember calling you but I would not characterize that conversation as an apology.

PG - Nor would I, from what I remember reading about the transcript...What were you doing in a bar anyway at lunch time?

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Anyway, it is hard to imagine how these guys are going to be pals, though I suppose you can drink with someone and not be his friend. Is liquor a way for men to open up to each other? A way to break bread? Yes! A number of guys who were interviewed for Buddy System did reference getting closer to other men when alcohol was involved. A 30s guy who I highlighted specifically said he became closer to men when he and they had been drinking. Another guy in his 20s said he apologized to an old friend who he had not spoken to for a year. The guy told me he was drunk (he couldn't have apologized while sober, apparently) when he called the friend and they have been close again ever since.

It makes sense. Men feel looser when there is beer. It is a masculine and safe thing to do. Drinking beer is clubby, sports bar behavior. Supppose Obama had invited them to the White House for a glass of red wine? Not going to happen. Too effete; not masculine. A glass of scotch? Maybe, but it does not invoke the sports bar. A glass of carrot juice? A cop is not a granola type guy. Beer it is and that industry must be counting its newfound popularity. Men feel safe around beer and friendships have been built around pubs and bars for centuries. Why stop now?

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Next scene - A beer commercial - President Obama looks into the camera and says:

"When I stir things up I like to calm the waters with a cool glass of (blank) beer."

Big Boys Acting Badly

Geoffrey Greif — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 14:59:14 +0000

Mark Sanford, John Ensign, John Edwards...the list goes on. And these are just the recent guys who screw up, act out, and then are forced to own up. Obviously, men (and women) have been unfaithful ever since commitment became a requirement in a relatonship. But this just goes on and on. Don't these guys have friends who can keep them on the straight and narrow, or at least keep them from a. lying about their whereabouts (Sanford); b. hitting on an advisor's wife (Ensign); c. cheating on a courageous and well-liked figure who is battling cancer (Edwards)?

How might this work? One scenario - Sanford admits to a guy friend he has fallen for someone else. The friend says, "Dude, sorry to hear about that. Stuff happens. I feel bad you and your wife couldn't make a better go of it. I am here for you. But whatever if you do, DON'T DO ANYTHING CRAZY."

Ensign tells a friend, "I have fallen for an aide and she happens to be married to a trusted advisor." The friend could say, "Wow, heavy. Let me catch my breath on this one. You cheated on your wife and you cheated on an advisor. Not cool. You gotta do the right thing here, man. Go back and work on the marriage, if you still can, and get into therapy. This is so complicated, you are going to need professional help in clarifying what you are doing to your life and those who trusted you."

Edwards tells a friend he is having an affair with a filmmaker covering his campaign after she came on to him in a hotel parking lot. The friend might say, "I understand. You were tired, lonely, and slipped up this time. But it has to end and you have to tell Elizabeth. You and this woman are using each other. You met under the wrong conditions. I can't see this working out for you long term. Get a grip and GROW UP!"

Men's friends are supposed to be there for them and support them but we are also supposed to straighten a friend out when he needs it. Don't let your friends make bad choices continuously. People mess up - but when they continue to mess up, they are not being helped by their friends.

Fathers as Models of friendships?

Geoffrey Greif — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 13:02:13 +0000

President Obama was never friends with his father. Last week at the White House, he addressed the importance of fathers in children's lives and described his own mixed relationship with his dad, also recounted in his autobiography. By placing dads on the national agenda, he is also calling attention to men's roles and friendships between men. In Buddy System, I write about the importance that fathers play in their son's lives. We learn how to treat women, employees, employers, the elderly, children, and our own friends from watching our fathers interact with others. If our fathers are absent, we are left to figure this out on our own. One man who grew up without his father in the home told me he excelled in sports as a child so he could get attention from other fathers. Coaches and teachers play important roles, too, in providing the attention that young boys need. But that attention does not stop with adulthood. A few of my men friends who lost their fathers at a young age, made friends with older men through golf when they were in their 20s and 30s. I had a father until recently and never especially sought out older men. But my friends, absent their own fathers, wanted to befriend older men. They got the mentoring they were lacking.

Hopefully a part of this mentoring includes how to be a buddy to someone else. Friendship included communication, trust, dependability, and loyalty. To be a good friend to others, display these attributes and you will have friends for life. Everyday should be Fathers' Day (or Mothers' Day) in that we should remember those parents on whose shoulders we stand. If those shoulders were tenuous, look for strong shoulders elsewhere.

men's friendships after divorce

Geoffrey Greif — Tue, 26 May 2009 17:09:23 +0000

Thanks for the comment. It can be difficult for someone (men) to make friends after a divorce, especially if you did not maintain individual friends during the marriage. Recently divorced people also may believe that if their marriage failed, they may have trouble making friends - they connect difficulties in one relationship with future relationships.

Men (and women) looking to make friends after divorce should get involved in things they like doing and hope that friendships will follow. Cleaning the park once a month, playing chess at the rec club, or joining a biking group are all activities that people enjoy in and of themselves. If you are doing what you like doing, friendships will follow as you will be a more fun person.

Men's friendships and Father's Day

Geoffrey Greif — Tue, 26 May 2009 00:35:22 +0000

With Father's Day coming up in June, it is helpful to consider how men view their father's friendships. In Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships, I report that 60% of the men felt their father had a lot of friends but that 40% believed he had either a few or no friends. Some times these friendships were constrained by fathers' dedication to work and family, leaving no time for friends. Other times, though, the men were awkward around men or felt that friends could not be trusted or were unnecessary.

A father's first obligation is to his family (work/time/attention to family members). His second obligation is to his friends. Fathers who do not have time for friends send an ambiguous message to their children. That message may be that family comes first - perhaps at the expense of other relationships and fun. Life is about striking a balance between conflicting and important demands. For Father's Day, take a look at what messages you were raised with about friendships and be clear about sending messages to the next generation that emphasize the imporance of friends. People with friends live longer, healthier lives. Why shorten your existence?