Buddy System

Understanding men and their friendships

Dr. Geoffrey Greif is a Professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work and author of Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships. See full bio

October 2, 2009, Gender

Responses to Clark and Gerrido and Men Friends

When do we drop a friend?

Re: men's friendships ---- let us remember that friends are human, too, with their loyalties and their doubts. Friends often see flaws but are still accepting. The two guys on tv in Ray Clark's corner are just that - normal guys who, for the moment, were sticking by their friend until they have reason to believe they should not. For all we know, they have reached that point by now and have dropped him as a friend; it is hard to say.

The point of the original blog was to look at the difference in these two high profile cases and the friends that have stepped forward (warts and all for Clark) and the friends that have not appeared (as in the case of Gerrido). Clark's friends were blind-sided by the charges against him, according to what they said. If Gerrido had friends who knew about his alleged years-long criminal activity and did nothing, they would be complicit in criminal behavior. Did Gerrido have friends who hung out in his backyard and knew what was going on? Nothing indicates this from the stories I have read. He had no male friends. Clark did/does.

Why consider others' behavior? Learning about the lives of these two men provides an opportunity to think about male friendships. In my book, I interviewed a 70-year-old who said he wanted his friend to stand up for him in front of others, even when he was wrong. He was referring to casual, non-criminal behavior - like a judgement call on the back line of the court while playing tennis; if he thinks it was out, his tennis partner (his friend) should support him. Men want backup and many men provide that to others because they want it for themselves.

On a different level, this raises the philosophical question about friendships: What do any of us do when someone we know, love, trust, and call a friend, does something that is heinous? When do we drop a friend?