Two high profile men, one in his early 20s and the other in his late 50s, have made the news recently for their alleged criminal acts. Ray Clark is the suspect in the high profile murder of the Yale garduate student and Phillip Gerrido is charged with the 1991 kidnapping and sexual abuse of a then 11-year-old girl who he held captive for 18 years. Last week, two of Clark's men friends were interviewed on the Today Show. They were there, essentially, to stick up for their friend. They had grown up with Clark, had never seen the kind of behavior he was accused of, and were stunned that he was charged with the murder. They had their friend's back. The two guys were not blind to the charges against Clark and the criminal case that was being built against him. They said, when pressed, that he was innocent until proven guilty. My impression is that they were open to the fact that he might be found guilty but, short of being Clark's conviction, they were standing by their friend. These were two guys trying to do good in the best sense of the phrase.
In my book Buddy System: Understanding male friendships, other men have described a friend as someone who has your back and is there for you, someone who you could call at 2 a.m. and they would come to your aid, no questions asked. One man even joked during the one of the interviews with me that a friend would come and help you dispose of the body and not ask questions. People with friends do commit horrible crimes (and I am not including gang behavior here). Aristotle's beliefs aside (as described in an earlier blog), friendships and social contacts obviously do not inoculate you from criminal behavior, though they may protect you from such behavior sometimes if friends stop you from getting too socially isolated or discourage you from something you are about to do.
We contrast Clark's situation with Phillip Gerrido's. My understanding of his case is that he had no male friends. While most of these guys do tend to be isolates, some literature on pedophiles does indicate that men may get together with other men to pool their resources in entrapping children - I don't know that to be the case here. But Gerrido, despite his relationship with his wife Nancy, has not had men friends come to his defense. My guess is that he had none.
I was touched by Clark's two pals, willing to get on the hot seat in defense of their pal, even though they were clearly riven with doubt about him in ways they never had been before. Friends should never turn a blind eye on criminal or risky behaviors. Friends are there to stop us from getting into trouble (if they can) and to provide support so that trouble stays at bay. But sometimes, even that is not enough. For example, in this case, and if Ray Clark is guilty, he has friends who are acting like good friends - but they were not able to prevent a murder.
If we turn out to be the friend of someone who does evil, it forces us to look at our own life and our own ability to predict a friend's behavior. And, sometimes, no matter how well we know someone, that is impossible to do.
