Buddy System

Understanding men and their friendships

Dr. Geoffrey Greif is a Professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work and author of Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships. See full bio

November 17, 2008, Relationships

Can women have men friends? The question's other side

Can women have men friends? Last week men answered this

Do Women Have Nonsexual Friendships with Men?

This question was first addressed last week where I cited directly from my book, Buddy System: Understanding male friendships. That section was based on interviews with 386 men. Here I excerpt the same question which was asked of 122 women. While the focus of Buddy System is on men, there is a comparison chapter where women were asked the same questions as the men.
From the book - these women answer a number of questions earlier in the chapter and are highlighted again here for their responses to this particular question. I have added race and age to help place them in the lifespan.

     Not quite as many women said that they have platonic friendships as do men, about 65% of the women versus 75% of the men. Given the variations in the answers, and the dynamics of such changing relationships, it is safe to conclude that, although perceptions of friendships between the sexes can differ, the percentage of men and women reporting such friendships is about equal.
How do these friendships play out? Janet (Asian-American), divorced and the oldest of the 10 women we have been following, does have friends. "I have a lot of male friends. We are just like brothers and sisters. They help me when I need them, and I help them. They treat me like their older sister."
     Iris (white), also single and 62-years-old, describes her male friendship: "I have a very close friendship with a man whom I have known for years. I maintain the relationship with phone calls. I suppose it is a little like my female friendships in that we talk about a whole range of topics, but we don't really do the social types of things that I do with my female friends."
     Carol (white and 28-years-old), who is engaged, talks about the transition from being single to being in a couples relationship and the impact on friendships. She also alludes to the sexual tension that can be beneath the surface. "I've had many close male friends, but I don't have any right now. I don't know if that comes from having a significant other. As an adult, I have had a couple of really close male friends, either people I have lived with, not in a sexual way, or ones I have worked with. I have found the men I have been friends with have been very understanding, validating, supportive, and very anti-stereotype. Maybe that's just the type of guy I am attracted to as a friend. The difference is that the physical aspect is very different-you are not afraid to hug your girlfriends." (This is where the discussion ends in the book)

My sense is that men and women tend to have more opposite sex friends when they are younger than when they are older. Consider that younger people go from being single and having many friends of both sexes to being married/partnered. When first married, they are apt to maintain friends for a number of months or years. Older women and men have often been married longer and are more distant from those opposite-sex friendships. Older people also grew up in an age where equality between the sexes in and out of the workplace is not as advanced as it is now - thus not only is their socialization regarding interacting with the opposite sex different than now but the opportunities to have opposite friendships were not as great then or now. BUT, note that the three women quoted here all have male friends AND all are single. Few of the married women gave these kinds of responses. Most women and men believe these friendships are too tricky to manage if they are married/partnered.

My advice? If you are going to have an opposite-sex friend and you are married/partnered, be open about the friendship and tell your spouse/partner when you are seeing the friend. Be aware that this friend may be a threat to your primary relationship and that you may be asked to see that friend less often. Remember if this unfolds this way that men's male friends can be a threat to a marriage, too, if those friends take the guy away from the relationship (ditto for women friends of a wife and the threat that can pose).