Once upon a time I was an in-studio guest on a live radio show hosted by a psychologist. She had a thriving practice in the San Fernando Valley area of Greater Los Angeles. She booked her radio guests based on some of the presenting issues she came across in her practice.
In the opening segment, I explained a little about the 30-year history of The Grief Recovery Institute and The Grief Recovery Method. In the second segment, I set up the six myths about grief that limit our ability to deal effectively with grief about loss of any kind.
The first myth we identify is, "Don't Feel Bad." That is the most common, illogical thing children hear when they do feel bad. As in, "Don't feel bad, here have a cookie, you'll feel better." The cookie doesn't actually make the child feel better, it makes the child feel different, and does nothing to address the situation that caused the sad or bad feelings.
Then we we talked briefly about the other five myths:
• Replace the Loss
• Grieve Alone
• Time Heals All Wounds
• Be Strong & Be Strong for Others
• Keep Busy
With those basics established, the host opened the phone lines to her listeners, telling them to call in with any grief-related issues that had been bothering them. The call board lit up instantly, which didn't surprise me. I've been on hundreds of radio interview shows, and once our topic is made safe and open, there's never enough time to answer all the callers.
The first call was an elderly woman with a very quiet voice but a strong Germanic sounding accent. After welcoming her and getting her first name, which was Elisabeth, I asked her, "What happened?"
She said: "My mother died a year ago and I haven't cried yet. Is there something wrong with me?"
Without skipping a beat I asked, "Do you normally cry when something sad happens?"
She responded. "Oh no, I haven't cried since I was a little girl. If we cried in our home in Switzerland we would be punished."
I said, "So over your lifetime, as far back as you can remember, you've developed the habit of not showing your sad emotions?"
Her response, so soft I could hardly hear it, was, "Yes."
At that point I paused, letting the full weight of that little exchange settle in, and then, in the gentlest voice I could muster, I said, "Elisabeth, does it make you sad that you haven't been able to cry since your mother died?"
And she burst into tears.
I let her cry for a while.
During that lull, I looked over at the host, and literally saw her jaw drop, as if she couldn't believe what had just happened, and how quickly it happened.
Then Elisabeth and I had a heartfelt, tear enhanced chat about her relationship with her mother. Since we were on the radio, I kept it to a short short chat, but in it I was able to encourage her to want to take some grief recovery actions that would help her discover and complete many things that had never been emotionally complete for her in her relationship with her mother.
Elisabeth had spent more than 50 years controlling her emotions to avoid getting into trouble. Then when she wanted and needed to cry, the habit was so strong that she couldn't. In spite of that, with the creation of some safety and effective language, she was able to override that lifelong default setting and access the emotions that had been trapped inside for decades.
For me, it was another day at the office, so to speak. That's what I do, that's how I talk to grieving people, and more often than not, that's the kind of reaction and movement towards recovery that can happen.
I got home at about 10 PM. My spouse asked about my day. I said, "Just the normal quota of miracles."
She said, "Okay, miracle man, take out the garbage."
