Grief and Cultural Issues—a Mismatch
As the creators of the Grief Recovery process, we're often asked to define grief and the application of our principles and actions in cultural terms—a request we steadfastly refuse.
A few weeks ago week, I delivered an hour-long webinar for nurses on helping the people of Haiti deal with the grief caused by the recent earthquake.
Prior to the webinar, it was suggested that the content of my talk address cultural issues that might arise out of the facts that voodoo is practiced in Haiti, that Haitians often don't "believe" in mental illness, and a variety of other concerns about the unique culture of Haiti.
Instead, I bypassed the issue of culture and dove into the heart of the matter—heart being the operative word—which we define like this: "Grief is about a broken heart, not a broken intellect." From that point of view, culture is intellectual, not emotional.
For a full hour, I gave as much helpful information as I could, talking as fast as I can, which is pretty fast. As is typical with webinars, there are evaluations. 98% of the listeners said, "Loved it! It exceeded my expectations!" The other 2% said, "Liked it. It met my expectations." And I never even brought up cultural issues, other than to say that I was specifically bypassing them because they are not the presenting issue when people's hearts are broken.
Grief is the normal and natural emotional reaction to loss of any kind. While that is true, it's realistic to say that normal and natural encompasses a very wide range of human emotions. It's also accurate to say that within any culture or society or family, each individual will have a unique and personal emotional reaction to a loss—whether the loss is a death, a divorce, or a major catastrophe like an earthquake.
The unique reaction will be based on the one-of-a-kind relationship each individual has to the person who died, or from whom they are now estranged, or to the property and memorabilia that is often lost in a natural disaster.
We believe it's unwise to super-impose any outside ideas we might have about cultural issues on unique, individual grievers, and by so-doing, accidentally guide them away from what is emotionally true for them. This must be done without opinion or judgment from us, cultural or otherwise, that would alter their perception of their unique relationship that was affected by the grief producing event.
One important question: Is there anything at all that might fall under the heading of "cultural issues" that it is valuable to know?
Yes. Generally speaking here in the United States it is safe to talk about emotions in front of other people and in front of members of the opposite gender. Of course this is true in controlled situations like our Grief Recovery Outreach Programs, in therapy or support groups, and to a limited degree in our daily lives. It's also usually safe, or can be made safe by mutual agreement, to hug others, and this can happen between men and women.
But, there are some cultures [even within the US] that have strong prohibitions against talking openly about emotions, or about sharing them between genders, and about touching or hugging others in public.
When and if you have awareness about such restrictions, and you are operating within a culture that has them, it's sensible to abide by them.
Grief is the natural human emotional response to loss. Cultural issues notwithstanding, it is raw grief and unresolved grief that must be addressed as soon as possible, lest it be buried under the swirl of life that follows all losses.
