Broken Hearts

In my experience, people that surround the 'sad' person's life often feel very uncomfortable with the sadness, many people even fear the sadness experienced by others. They don't know what to say, they feel inept, or afraid they'll say the wrong thing. While I agree a person should be allowed grieve as they have the need, there are those who become so filled with sorrow that they walk around with a black cloud over their heads and a "woe is me" attitude, which naturally drives people away. After all, after you've said "I'm sorry for your loss" a hundred times...what else is left but avoidance of that sorrowful person. Oftentimes, the friends and family are struggling with their own sadness or losses as well and being around the person who will only talk about their lost loved one and nothing else, becomes a constant reminder of the very thing they're trying to heal from themselves. Grief is a tricky emotion requiring almost a high-wire act for people to navigate, whether it's your own grief or the grief of others. Most folks just don't have the balance needed in order to keep from falling off that wire.

Since everyone is an individual, some folks prefer not to discuss it, while others welcome the opportunity to share. Some people don't like the whole idea of being confronted with that fact of death or dying. No matter where in this spectrum we find ourselves, you can be sure that no matter what anyone says or does, nothing will ease the pain or fill the hole that losing a loved one leaves behind.

My wonderful 18 yo son died under mysterious circumstances 4 years ago. Few things make me more angry than idiots who say he's in a better place, or it was god's plan. I don't care. I want him here, now, with me, living the life he deserved. Thank goodness my husband (my son's stepfather) and I received good advice after his death and got grief counseling as a couple and individually. I function fairly well today and learned that people say those things because they don't know what to say to me. My reality is so terrifying to them that is all they can think of to say.
What makes me the most angry? Morons who declare that if they lost one of their kids they would kill themselves. Yeah, I must not have really loved him or I would have killed myself. If you don't know how to truly comfort someone, you should be quiet. Just listen without trying to smooth things over with a cookie. My heart is ripped out - sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. Deal with it.

As a widow, I am getting pretty darned tired of comforting those who knew my husband well, yet act inconvenienced by his death.
They never acknowledge his loss in any way to me, chosing instead to treat me as if I were the one who died, avoiding me as if death were somehow contagious. If I slip up & show any display of emotion, I am treated as if I am weak or mentally ill for it.
I refuse to feel guilty for missing my life-long partner.
I have lost someone very important to me & for others to expect me to pretend that he never existed when I am around them is frankly very insulting, both to me & the memory of my husband.
It's time people learned to show a little respect towards the bereaved instead of selfishly thinking solely about themselves & their own comfort levels.

I lost my son the day he was born. People sometimes say he was still born. This is so harsh for me to hear. He was born alive and took several hours to pass away in my arms. My case is hard because the doctors did not give him proper care as most infants born. They basically cut the cord and let him die. He struggled for hours to survive on his own but with all the blood loss how could he have survived that. He was my first child ever and I just pray I have another one soon. I feel helpless when even my spouse asks as if he is tired of me mourning. Its been a couple of months only and it feels like yesterday. The pain of losing him is life changing.

Dear Anon,

I don't know if you're aware that the Grief Recovery Institute came into being because of the death of its founders’ 3 day old son, way back in 1977.

It was in his attempt to find a way to deal with the pain of that loss that John W. James developed the Grief Recovery Method that saved his life and has since helped millions of people.

John would absolutely agree with you that the death of your son was life-changing for you.

We are sad to hear that your spouse seems to indicate that he's tired of your mourning.

We recommend that you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook and do the work it asks.

We think this is very important for you so if and when you have another child, he or she will be able to be his or her own self, and not be a replacement for your baby who died.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John

"the person repeating their own story is not helping themselves be complete with it, they are actually making it worse by re-confirming it".

Wow, Russell, I am blown away by this comment by somebody who works with the bereaved. Nothing is being made worse by repeating the story over and over, that is part of perfectly normal grieving......telling it over and over again, your mind is simply trying to make sense of this complete utter turmoil that it's been thrown into. The key is having some who will listen over and over again. In many cases in the beginning of such a horror, are you not aware that memory "issues" (I use that word lightly) can occur, people may have a hard time remembering things they already said, they repeat themselves unknowingly.

I've experienced it firsthand, telling the story over and over, of course I am NOT STUPID, I am perfectly aware the ending will not change no matter how many times I tell it. BUT, death is really not something we understand, it's a word, someone is no longer with us physically in this world, other than that we don't truly know where they are and we are trying to make sense of the shock of that. (taking faith and religion out of this because the point is we can't just hop on a plane, train and go visit them, pick up the phone to call, so we don't know really and truly where they actually are)

If people don't want to hear my story over and over, well then I don't want people like that in my life and all I can do is hope they can never relate to what I feel. Thankfully I have friends who listen and I've told them the same thing, talked about the same feelings, the same story of losing my Dad many times .....and they listened over and over with a true caring heart. I would have no problem listening over and over again to someone who is grieving for the loss of somebody now that I know what the reality of it is like. And as time went on, I was able to have other conversations with them about other things. Do I still go back to certain things and stories....YES because it will probably take the rest of my life to process this horror.
I've seen it too with my best friend who lost her Dad almost 1 year after mine, she too repeats the same thing, the same story......it is just the minds what of processing it, it "helps" a little more to be able to try to process it with someone you feel safe with, someone who won't judge what you say how you think or more importantly get sick of you talking about it.

On one hand people say there is no timeline for grief, but then there are all these expectations to "feel better", "find happiness", "be positive", "Let go", "move on", "move foward" and people get p'ed off if you haven't after x amount of time because you "should".

Society needs one heck of a wake up call but I'm not sure it will ever come, grief is not something people look at properly until it hits them.

Dear Daddysgirl,

Sad to hear how you interpreted and applied the response I made to an earlier reader's comments.

That reader had commented: “While I agree a person should be allowed grieve as they have the need, there are those who become so filled with sorrow that they walk around with a black cloud over their heads and a "woe is me" attitude, which naturally drives people away.”

My response to that specific point was: “When you talk about those people who are stuck in a grief-story loop, like a hamster-on-a- wheel, of course no one wants to hear that constantly repeated lament. And, between you and me, the person repeating their own story is not helping themselves be complete with it, they are actually making it worse by re-confirming it. Again, you also wouldn’t want to hear someone telling the same success story over and over. How many hundred times do you want to say, “How exciting for you,” which is the parallel to "I'm sorry for your loss."

Out of context my comments can seem very wrong. In fact they are extremely accurate to explain the tragedy of some people who only tell their story and have no ability to take recovery or completion actions.

While a person’s “story” about a death or any other loss has meaning, the larger issue is about their relationship with the person who died, or the person from whom they’re divorced or estranged. When people get stuck in that loop about the story, what gets eliminated from the picture is the relationship issues which are left out of the picture. The unresolved grief that relates to the relationship is therefore not attended to, and the “story” becomes the identity or relationship to the pain.

Respectfully,

Russell