This is our inaugural blog entry for Psychology Today. We are thrilled to be in this environment and to share some of what we've been doing for the past 30 years in helping grieving people and in training mental health professionals and others in our methods.
A little bit about us: We are John W. James and Russell Friedman, principals of The Grief Recovery Institute and co-authors of The Grief Recovery Handbook and When Children Grieve [both from HarperCollins] and Moving On [M. Evans]. Cumulatively our books have sold over a million copies, are translated into 10 languages at last count, and more on the way. We currently have branch Institutes in Canada, Sweden, England, and more soon.
The blog will be primarily written in Russell's voice, but will always reflect the principles and actions of Grief Recovery as originated by John, who is the founding father and the heart and soul of the organization. John and Russell have appeared as Grief Recovery experts in hundreds of radio interviews and scores of TV news programs. Russell is often featured on CNN as a Grief Recovery expert, most notably on the Saturday following 9/11; when Andrea Yates drowned her children in Houston; and a few weeks ago in the aftermath of Michael Jackson's death.
________________________________________
GRIEF or UNRESOLVED GRIEF?
SAME CHURCH, VERY DIFFERENT PEW
Let's get right into today's topic. I recently appeared on CNN as an expert relative to the grief being experienced by Michael Jackson's children. One interaction with the CNN host sets up the title of today's blog, Grief or Unresolved Grief? Same Church, Very Different Pew. Here's an edited section from the transcript:
Don Lemon [CNN]: Mr. Friedman, what happens after the memorial? That moment is really a sort of a cathartic moment and therapeutic to get the grief out, but what happens in the days, months, and years after that? That's what's really important in shaping a child, making sure they get over the grief, making sure they have guidance and so on and so forth.
Russell Friedman [that's me]: Absolutely. Let's divide it real quickly into two elements. There's grief, which is the raw reaction to the loss itself. And then there's unresolved grief, which has to do with all the things we wish had happened differently, better, or more. And, in the case of the children, all the hopes, dreams and expectations of their future with their parent[s], siblings and others. So it's critical that whoever is going to be the guardians or care takers demonstrate how the children can effectively deal with their unresolved grief - which is the undelivered communications that are result of the death. As the kids get older, they'll think of more things they didn't get a chance to do or say.
Anyone who has appeared on a live TV interview knows that you must reframe some of the questions before you can answer them. As you can see, this interview was no exception. You also have to be quick. Given more time, I would have added that that raw grief covers an immensely wide range of emotions, the vast majority of which are normal and natural responses to loss. I would also have added the fact that "different, better, or more, and unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future" affect everyone, not just children.
John and I are often referred to as grief counselors - a title we reject for several reasons - mainly because people don't need any help or counseling about grief. As we said, grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss. And as is said by just about everyone, "Everyone grieves in their own way and pace." While that is true, and even has a poetic ring to it, it has very little real value, and almost no guidance relevant to recovery or completion of the pain caused by the undelivered emotional communications that are the components of unresolved grief.
Truth be told, no one needs our help or yours in grieving - they only need help with completion. Ultimately we are about recovery or completion, not about grief. That's why we call ourselves Grief Recovery Specialists, and why we are the Grief Recovery Institute and not the Grief Institute.
The distinction between grief and unresolved grief is a perfect start place for this blog. But it's merely an entry point to lay down a foundation of valuable information that is crucial for grieving people, and for the professionals and others who would help them.
While we're at it, let's establish the importance of language as it relates to our ability to create safety for grieving people. Without that safety, it is almost impossible to guide people to the actions that lead to completion of the unresolved grief that is an inevitable aspect of their relationships with loved ones - or less than loved ones - who have died; and with those living people from whom they are divorced or estranged.
When we submitted our manuscript for the Revised Edition of The Grief Recovery Handbook 12 years ago, our editor said, "You can't say less than loved ones." We said, "Oh yes we can." She said, "But everyone says death of a loved one, that's what people understand." To which we replied, "So when someone dies, say a parent, who was physically, emotionally, and in other ways abusive to someone, is that the death of a loved one?" "Ah," she said, "Now I see what you mean."
As a result of understanding that the phrase "death of a loved one" is not a universal truth, and recognizing the immense power of language on grieving people, we usually say, "When someone important to you dies..." Yes, it's a little bulky, but it doesn't put a griever in the potentially awkward situation of having to accept the language that a "loved one" has died, when that is not true for them. As the helpers-caregivers, we must be constantly vigilant to the fact that grievers will shut down, or not tell the truth when confronted with language that is not accurate. Absent openness and honesty, recovery is not possible.
That's enough for today. Comments welcome, of course. Debates and polite arguments encouraged.
Here's a teaser for our next entry. There are at least 43 life events that produce feelings of grief, but not all of them are sad. Riddle that, or tune in next time to find out why that's true, and much more.
Russell Friedman
Sherman Oaks, CA
www.grief.net
