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A very common issue that is discussed when a significant other becomes involved in the treatment process is the issue of trust. The typical exchange goes something like this:
Therapist Roger: “What can you do to repair the issues of compromised trust that have resulted from the many betrayals and broken promises?”
Client Dave: “There is not much I can do, it just takes time. The only thing I can do is to show them over time that I’ve changed.”
“Perhaps,” Roger states, “there is something that you can do immediately to begin to rebuild the trust that was lost.”
Dave has engaged in drinking/using behavior for quite some time, and typically this behavior is associated with a need to be discreet, lie, avoid conflict and drama, and hide his use from his wife Debbie. Certainly, being transparent and honest regarding his use is incongruent with his typical past agenda of hiding/minimizing his alcohol/drug dependent behavior. The first aspect of his regaining Debbie’s trust is to do that which is seemingly antithetical, that which feels very opposite and dangerous. Imagine Dave as the new, intimidated snow skier careening out of control on a downhill run and instinctively wants to lean back as speed picks up. Inevitably, Dave looses control and crashes, versus his wife, the more experienced skier, who will lean forward, downhill over her skis, (against one’s natural inclination), and hence put weight over the tips and regain the ability to turn and stop without crashing. Dave will need to “lean over his skis” and learn to confide in Debbie rather than avoid or minimize issues of craving. Essentially, he needs to be transparent and open about his triggering events, his cravings and desires to use.
Imagine, again, Dave post discharge, waking up having had a using/drinking dream and Debbie asking how he is doing. “Fine,” is the typical response, even though triggered by his dream, Dave is now craving the substance, can’t shake the idea of wanting access to it, and begins to struggle in his recovery, and certainly, thinking that disclosing this will bring on a lot of drama and conflict with his wife if he answered honestly rather than with “fine.” “Fine” does nothing to reassure Debbie, and she leaves feeling no more confident that everything is “OK”.
Alternately, imagine Dave confiding about the entire dream, the feelings that it provoked, the thoughts that have been challenging him all morning, and the anxiety/distress it has produced. With Debbie’s question of “How can I help?” shows there is a conversation happening. Dave can describe his plan for staying on track, including calling a sponsor, attending a meeting, going to the gym, reading from the Big Book, utilizing a SMART Recovery protocol, meeting with his therapist, etc. and states that he anticipates being in better shape as he accesses these resources. Dave could also state that he is struggling and a lunch time phone call, or supportive breakfast out together may be appreciated.
This process of confiding in one’s significant other as issues arise, lead to the building of trust that can happen immediately while in treatment and upon their discharge and return home. Imagine several days later, Debbie asks, “How are you?” and his response is, “Today, I’m good. Today, I’m fine.” and the trust is there as she knows that if he is not “fine,” Dave would let her know and allow for her support.
