I have an admission I used to keep to myself: I have come to enjoy being a failure. George Cukor said, "You can't have any successes unless you accept failure." As a success coach, I believe, and remind myself and others, that it is the continued acceptance of ourselves as we fail that is a true measure of success in the making. Just how do we live failure as an art form?
#1: STOP TAKING EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY. Part of living well with failure is appreciating how failure gives you a nice story to tell (when you eventually become a success).
When I was a little girl growing up in Caribou, Maine, my mother was determined that I would fail as a housewife one day. I was never permitted to sweep, dust, cook, help with dishes, wash clothes-or dare achieve an "A" in Home Economics. (At age 3, I carried my first briefcase to pre-school.)
My mother's reasoning was well-intentioned...she assumed that if I failed miserably at domestic duties, I would absolutely have no choice but to use my wares to support myself because what man would be interested in marrying such an undomesticated goddess as moi??
At ten, I worriedly asking my mom..."If I can't cook, what will I eat for breakfast when I grow up?"
"Have your assistant bring you coffee," she said. I laughed at this then and now (since I don't currently have a full-time assistant). For "special" weekend breakfasts, I make my own coffee, and struggle to "whip up" cereal for my husband and 2-year-old son. Fortunately, they are of good humor too and don't measure my skill in the kitchen as an indication of my deservingness of their devotion-or a lack of my devotion to them.
This brings me to point #2 in The Art of Failure...
In my book, Saddle Up Your Own White Horse, 5 Principles Every Woman Needs to Know, I say every woman must create a cavalry...That means surround yourself with people whose definition of success matches your own and who value "failing" as a means to discovering what's truly important.
Clearly, in my family, we agree that it's more important that we eat together daily, not that I cook the food for our meals (we do not value trips to the E.R. together).
Behind every successful woman must be a team of emotional supporters, friends and family who both love you unconditionally and also challenge you not to live in martyr mentality or being what I call a Flatliner--a "Dead Woman Walking", living a life that doesn't satisfy because a fear of failure keeps you stuck in place.
To step out of that stuck place and go out on the ledge/edge of possible failure is to adopt the creed of Never Letting Risk Restrain Your Potential (Step 3 in The Art of Failure).
One of the most creative and inspiring risk-taking role models of failure and success is Billionaire J.K. Rowling, author of the highly-imaginative Harry Potter books. Before her success, she was a single mother living on state benefits. In her 2008 commencement speech to Harvard graduates, she cautioned their bright futures with two very powerful statements, 1) "Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it"...and...
2) "It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default."
As we view the flip sides of the success/failure coin, I advise my clients to self-assess by considering the following fill-in-the-blank statements...
*The people I view as successful are...
*I feel successful when I...
*My symbols of success are...
*If I were to look back on my life at 95 and see one of the main reasons why my life was a success, it would be because...
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My answers to the above statements change over the years and that's why I keep checking in with myself on redefining success. Here's what I think today...
The people I view as successful are...those human beings who have the generosity and leadership to display conscious competence-to know what they know and be willing to share it. Successful people also display conscious incompetence-admitting what they don't know or where they feel like they might fail-and demonstrate courage and vulnerability by asking for help.
I feel successful when I...don't give up. We are only a failure if we give up.
My symbols of success are...the quality of relationships I have with every person in my professional and personal life.
And finally, if I were to look back on my life at age 95 and see one of the main reasons why my life was a success, it would be because...
this blog helped someone to live well with failure on the road to success-and if that didn't happen, I wouldn't take myself too seriously.
Saundra Pelletier is an Executive Coach, Keynote Speaker and Author who has contributed as a corporate vice president and global franchise leader at Fortune 500 companies. She has trained and motivated thousands of executives at every level. Her skillful but unstuffy communication style not only empowers, but also changes the way people think about and achieve success-and handle failure. Her personal motto is Never Confuse Motion with ActionTM.
For more information on Saundra, visit saundrapelletier.com
