I am going to recommend the article and the books to my clients.

Joe Kort, LMSW is a psychotherapist and author of several books on gay and lesbian identity and relationships. He keeps an updated website at www.joekort.com

Sounds like good advice.

There's a lot of overlap between narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder, so readers might also be interested in this PT article about getting over a borderline mother.

How about narcissistic fathers? Any information on that?

You know, in looking at the criteria for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, one cannot help but think of George W. Bush.

... Or having a mother that cannot see through the window, no matter how much you clean it!

i too grew up with a n.m...she abandoned me and my we are her caregivers...tryin to blame us for her condition...i just laugh in her face...i was always the rebel....i definately dont fall for her tricks...shes been gone for 40 odd years....dont eveb try that nars ,,,when i was 17.....now shes back still tryin to manipulate ...shes also got alz...iyou have to beat them at their own game///wish my sis would realize this...shes still letting moms call the shots...tried to make her see the light...mom isnt the boss...hasnt been since we were kids...my self esteem is strong...makes my mom mad....wow its bizzare////she can try all she wants...bottom line is she needs us ...we dont need her///i love and support my kids...no matter what..and vice versa...the cycle has been broken...THANK GOD...cause HES what really matters...not mom//

The worst thing my mother did to me was not give me up for adoption when I was born. Fortunately, she did provide a nanny, as she didn't want anything to do with me, (she loved my brother, and now he's just like her!). I've been running away from her since I was twelve, married at 15 yrs. old to escape the abuse - -only to marry men like her, 6 times. The last one shot me when I told him I wanted a divorce; maiming me for life. I've given up on that. I'm 52 now, and she needed me in her old age, so I came to help her. The abuse over the last 5 yrs. has made up for the life-time I escaped. Your article, and therapy, have helped me make up my mind. I can't take it anymore. She's become paranoid, I tried to set limits and she "changed her locks so I won't steal her blind". I'm finally leaving, and am going to try to never look back. No forwarding address. This type of parent can hurt children in a profound way. Escape is the only answer.

I totally agree with the post which said that narcissistic mothers can hurt their children in a profound way. I'm also concerned about the analogy in the article of asking someone who is colorblind to appreciate a rainbow. To me that smacks too much of "blame the victim"--my bad relationship with my mother is somehow my fault. Or alternately, if only I'm good enough (or figure her out, or whatever), then the relationship will be fixed. That was my biggest fantasy--that somehow, if I was smart enough, I could fix my relationship with my narcissistic mother.

I'm 56 years old. I brought my mother to my town two years ago because I wanted to take care of her in her old age (she's 83 but thinks we're about the same age--ha). I was naive enough to think that I could handle her; after all, I'm an adult now. I absolutely couldn't have been more wrong. The year and a half I spent trying to take care of her almost destroyed me. Finally I had to admit that she was more than I could handle, and to save myself I had to cut off all contact with her.

Do I feel OK about this? Of course not. I feel very sad that it's come to this with her. However, I also think that cutting her off is one of the healthiest things I've ever done for myself.

In the interest of full disclosure, I would say that my mother is one of the most extreme narcissists I've ever read about--she's not simply narcissistic. If you read a list of 20 things, and the book says, "If your loved one fits four of these, she is probably a narcissist," my mother will match 19 out of 20. I would say that "narcissist" is a word that gets thrown around probably too easily these days. There's a big difference in a person who has narcissistic traits and someone who is a toxic narcissist.

I, too, had an Nmother that fit 19 out of the 20 points of criteria. I fit into the scapegoat role, being the only daughter and the youngest of her 2 children. The things that they did to me would have them in jail today. After decades of this treatment, by the "family" and being put into an extremely cruel situation, I found, either by accident or fate, the characteristics for Narcissistic Mothers on the web. Wow!
No Contact was the only road let open to me. I took it. Anyone who does this must realize that it doesn't stop but actually escalates. The worst fear of a narcissist is exposure. My being out of her control caused an avalanche of family members encouraging me to come back to the fold. ("Her poor heart is broken over what you have done" and on and on. No words of apology for what she and they did to me, however) When that didn't work, the next campaign began: Going to the outside and telling family and friends that I am "nothing but a liar and not to believe anything I tell them." Of course they were believed ( who would say anything like that about a daughter if it wasn't true?) and I was expelled and shunned from what I thought would be my support network. They began giving away my things to these people as if I died. They were literally buying allies against me with my own possessions!
I have been strong and staying far away from all of them and not letting them know anything about me at all. Somehow, the enlightenment and knowledge that I now have made me stronger and determined, at this late stage, to find my true self and follow my own path without fear of retrobution for doing so. Yes, it's hard and daunting to realize I lived so much of my life being put down, not loved and abused. But, I now have the freedom to find what other children had from normal parents... the acceptance of myself. By doing what they did, they actually freed me from playing into their macabre game anymore. Being "put out", although I was the one who walked out, was giving me freedom for the first time. Truth: I was the scapegoat in an EXTREMELY dysfunctional family with a narcissist at its head. Not my choice. But, one that I could change.
I will tell anyone reading this post, that has lived and knows of what I speak, to leave and don't look back. Yes, we were all trained from birth never to do that and that their needs come first. Correction: Theirs are the only needs. You have none including parental love. The guilt that has been embedded in you begins to take hold. Walk away! It's difficult at first, but after you do, a whole new world opens up. You're like a child wondering how to handle it. A prisoner walking out into the world after being locked up for something they never did must feel the same way. But, your own good sense and survival intincts will take control. Take baby steps. It's been 9 years now and I am still exploring. I am responsible for my own mistakes and no one elses. I am not hard on myself when I do make a mistake. Surprisingly, neither is anyone else. The best thing about all this: You can spot a narcissist a mile away. That in itself is life empowering. Never again.
Good luck and much love to all of you.

I agree that the word "narcissist" is being tossed around rather freely these days. As a daughter of a full blown narcissistic mother this loose use of "narcissistic" to describe celebrities, etc. concerns me because there is a vast difference between someone who is a self absorbed egocentric and someone who suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My mother has all of the characteristics of NPD. Almost 20 years ago my mother displayed the most bizarre behavior after my family (living 3000 miles away from her) experienced the trauma of a major natural disaster. Of course, our suffering was all about her - her pain, her anger that we didn't call her first and so on. I sought therapy as a result and learned about NPD. I have almost every book written on the subject and have studied NPD as a way to try to heal. But here I am, 55 years old and things with my mother are as awful as ever. NPD escalates - only gets worse with age. I honestly wish I had been like one of my siblings who simply estranged himself from her.

I can intellectualize about NPD. I can look at my mother objectively and agree that she is "sick." But on an emotional level I feel defeated. I'm tired. She successfully divided all of her children through lies. She is now working on her adult grandchildren. She has actually made disparaging remarks about her great grandchildren - they are babies. As a mother myself I simply can not understand how a mother can be so cruel to little children.

My mother fits this description. I am 47 years old, the youngest of 7 children, one of which we lost. I was 7 when we lost my older brother, her favorite. After that, it was hell. She rejected us for about 5 years, taking valium and staying in her room. My older sisters took care of me. My parents were so strict we weren't allowed any fun, sports, prom, football games, friends. no one was ever ever good enough. heck neither were we. i am hispanic and have darker skin than my other siblings. she has criticized us and laughed at us and lied and dumped my puppy in some random neighborhood, had my sister's dogs killed. now, she is 85 and my father is 89 and they are miserable. he was not a faithful husband and so i found out she wanted to leave him when they only had 4 kids. an uncle of hers told her to stay since she had no skills, english, and had 4 kids. so she has been miserable. now, my dad had a stroke last year and she is taking care of him. she has alienated us. she is angry that we are not living there round the clock--we hired some help but she fires everybody because she wants US to do the job. her latest statement crushed me. she told my sister in law that my brother and my sister should be put into a mass grave because they are good for nothing (because they stay away). and my sis in law was asking my mom why she didn't want us to take her out for mother's day. she stated "tell them to pretend they don't have a mother." that was a turning point for me. i am sick to my stomach and have been since just before mother's day. for my health, i know i need to stay away. i haven't called or anything. she is evil to my father which really hurts. i guess he's in his own little hell. she has always been mean and resentful, i don't know why i didn't figure this out before. like a lot of others, we were and aren't good enough. she can't just spend time with us. there always has to be her support gossip group. then they criticize and talk behind our backs as soon as we live. we are all successful decent people. she is a professional liar too. it's like she wants us to hate each other-she spreads lies. we check with each other now before we believe anything she says. i am just beginning to deal with this. i feel better already, knowing i am not alone as corny as this sounds. while i am not ready to see her, i feel so sad inside but i think i will heal. other people have and if it means i need to grieve her loss, i will do so. you hang in there, it's unbelievable.

i am not sure if my mother is narccist (sp?) (sorry to tired to look it up) but i was wondering ig i gave some examples could anyone give me their opinion?

sorry if this is stupid!

my mother acts like she hates me, everything is always about her. she told me about 14 years ago that she had lupus & felt so bad. i felt terrible!!! every time i talked to her she said it was her lupus making her feel bad. i was sooooo worried! one time my sister & i had an argument (we have about one a year-i always give in) my mother said that she had just been to the lupus dr. & needed a kidney transplant or she would die soon. i lost it, and freaked out. i cried & had panic attacks for the next few days. after a two or three days i called my sister & apologized ( i don't even know what we were argueing about) i didn't want my mother to worry about it because she said that i was going to cause her to die faster by not apologizing to my sister. a few days later my mother caller & told me she was joking, she was fine, & she only did it so i would apologize to my sister. i don't want to go on, but not long after i found out i have lupus, i called & talked to her, i wasn't upset, (there are many people that have worse things) all she did was scream & cry about how this made her feel, she never asked me if i was ok. i will go on about this another day, BUT i went with my mom to the dr. & SHE DOESN'T HAVE LUPUS. she was so mad. all her friends still think she has it & i don't know why she hasn't told them. anyway, i need other people's opinions. i will give more information in the next few days, but why does she make everything about her? maybe i am crazy & feeling sorry for myself like she says. also, i just got out of the hospital with pneumonia and she told everyone i was just needing attention, i was never sick. she even told my daddy (they are divorced) that there was nothing wrong with me, except i wanted attention. ( I was in the hospital for 6 days) sorry about all this, just want to know if i am acting crazy (she says) or if maybe it is her . thank you, dede

All I'm thinking right now is 'Oh My God'. I've just been looking up n mothers, and there is no doubt in my mind that this is what my mother has. Her mother had the same thing, it all just makes sense.

I feel absolutely terrible right now, though. I'm only sixteen and for a while I have thought I should cut off my relationship with my mother, and now reading other stories of this happening, I don't think I have any other options. I would not feel bad about leaving my mother, but being without a parent for the first time ever would no doubt be extremely difficult.

I, as the youngest, have copped the worst from my mother, constantly getting blamed for things that are out of my control, being compared to my siblings and told to be 'more like them', even being openly ridiculed and mocked in front of family and friends. I'm the self sabotaging type of daughter, I've dropped out of school twice and don't have many friends; I just don't see the point of anything if nothing will make me good enough for my mother.

As crushed as I feel right now, I hope this knowledge can help me to move on and start focusing on healing myself.

i honestly don't know what to to do. i need other people's opinion's ( that way i have something to think about, mom says everyone feels sorry for me & takes my side, instead of hers) she told me a couple of weeks ago that she was going to start going to the dr. & making up things so she can get out of going to work. (she has worked at the same place for 39 years & they are trying to fire her for never showing up for work.) this week, she called me & said she was going to the emergency room since she was so sick. i told her i would meet her there but she would not have it. she told me to leave her alone. she ended up throwing a fit & checking herself out. (i feel like she NEEDS attention) within a couple of hours, she was at a party, feeling fine! i don't get this-i always panic when she says she is sick (i would feel horrible if i blew it off) but what do i do? is this just a mother/daughter relationship or something more? i feel like everything i do for her is wrong, but i am trying so hard. i always fail. could it be that i am a ungrateful daughter? i want to figure this out. i really want my mom to be happy, nothing is worse than seeing you're mom being unhappy, but i am so tired of trying! i have been diagnosed with ocd, but today she came over with her friends & pointed out everything i don't do. (in the house) she said i have always been a lazy & sloppy housekeeper. her friends just stood there like they didn't know what to say. i do not know what to do any more-my husband & i had several miscarriages (sp?) & never had any children, she said that she prayed every night that i would never have a child because i don't deserve one. i am so sorry for all this, but need unbiased (sp?) opinion. if i am wrong, i need to know it. i don't want to be selfish & if it is me (probably is) then i need to work on myself. thank you so much for letting me vent.