Dear Hara,

Daycare is a mistake, especially for very young children. Please see my article in "Mothering" (magazine), Jan/Feb, 1995, "The Needs of Children."

Best wishes,

Paul

Dear Hara,

I believe very strongly that any mother who is not ready/wanting to return to work (and does not need to) should not until she is ready. I also think in most cases daycare for children under 18 months is a mistake. I would urge your son and daughter-in-law to wait as long as they can. They have no way of knowing what the future may bring in the coming months.

Dr. Carol, mother of a 20 year old and a 17 year old

no one either/or---be glad he is needing you--the best advise is listening and confirming their own solution---sometimes ambiguity is good dt

To offer such a strong opinion implies no experience in the matter. A mother must follow her instincts. If she has her child's best interest at heart, and acts in a loving way, she can't go wrong.

Good Luck :)

I stayed home until my children were in grade school. Was it easy financially, no. We could have used two incomes but I'm lucky because I'm Latina and for us there was absolutely no question as to where I needed to be. We believe in being with our children. The neat thing about staying home until they were all in school is that I volunteered to serve school lunches and I was free for all the school plays, dances, and other activities that are so important for our children to see us involved in for them. All four of my children are now productive, tax-paying citizens.

Re: Dr. Klein's comment: The idea that daycare is a "mistake" already makes me not want to read his article. I can feel the judgment seething from here.....
Terry

I think daycare for any child, at any age, is a mistake.

Why do people bother HAVING children, only to send them off to be cared for by complete strangers in their earliest years? How many wonderful moments and memories will they miss because they're too busy trying to close a deal?

If I'm ever fortunate enough to have children, it would be because I'm married to a woman with the same ideals as myself--that the children need to have at least one parent with them during their youngest years.

If a mother and father REALLY care about their children, they SHOULD make sacrifices to spend precious time with them, rather than turning their most valuable assets over to a stranger.

The "constant stress" that Hara speaks about? Why is it stressful to want to take care of one's children? That REALLY makes my blood boil! Anyone that feels that way about their own children should have been sterilized before they had the chance to procreate.

And I don't understand AT ALL what Hara means by "coveted spot" in daycare? You mean people FIGHT for these spots?

What a pathetic society we live in when parents are unwilling to care for their own offspring and put themselves on waiting lists so they can give their children away.

I believe you did just the right thing by listening. Your son and daughter-in-law need to figure out what's best for them and their son. I am a firm believer there is no single solution. Everyone must search and struggle for their own balance. How nice that your son felt comfortable using you as a sounding board!

My sense is that to act against their plan for timing and to act from a scarcity/fear-based place won't be helpful for anyone.

It may be difficult to put together childcare the way they want it, but that is a bridge to cross when they are ready, not when a lottery number comes up.

Why feed into a system that works this way? Maybe it is time to create something different, to build a new paradigm. I wish them the best.

To me the answer is simple, not complex. Your son and his wife will need to make their decision based on their set of priorities. Which is more important to them? A coveted spot in a wonderful daycare or time with their baby. According to their plans as you've written them, their choice was made before the baby was born. Going against their plans would be incongruent to their priorities in life. I think we all can learn a lot from their current situation because it reminds us to be disciplined enough to stand for what we truly believe. Thanks for sharing.

I am shocked and disappointed by the "daycare is a mistake" opinions and judgments. I pray these are not written by practicing therapists. These are destructive and damaging messages. What year is this? Do these people actually have children? Do they understand what daycare is? Have they read the research at all or visited a daycare facility? Have they spoken to children who have attended a daycare? As a working mother of 2 I pride myself on being a positive role model for my children as well as a loving, involved and nuturing parent. These types of ignorant statements are offensive and cruel. They are not based on scientific research and (thankfully) are not shared by most professionals and families. My daycare arrangements for my children are safe, educational and prosocial experiences for them. I would utilize these opportunities even if I didn't work outside the home. As professionals in this field we cannot think and behave with such rigidity. Every family is different and every child is different. What works for one family may not for another. If you feel this would not be a good option for your child that is absolutely up to you but please do not inflict guilt on other families who do utilize daycare (usually because they have to). This is an abuse of your professional status and unethical. As a mother and as a psychotherapist for many mothers I implore you to keep these opinions out of your therapy office. Parents need safety, compassion and a professional that will help them facilitate solutions to a problem. Shame and disgust have no place in a therapy office. Good for you, Hara! Your son has a difficult decision ahead but with your compassionate listening he has the support he needs no matter what he and his wife decide. To the anonymous writer who wrote the angry and ugly comment about "sterlizing those before they procreate"...you clearly have no sense of what children need...oh yes you don't have children...that's right. Please don't judge what you have not experienced. You have no right to offend and hurt others this way especially when you have no idea what families deal with and manage every day. We all do the best that we can for the sake of our children. I know I do and I am very proud of my boys as well as my ability to balance my career and my home life. My boys know that they are always my top priority and I would drop everything in a second for them. I also sense that they are proud of me and my accomplishments as a private practitioner. They will often say that they hope to make a difference like I have. My sons are well-adjusted and happy. I couldn't ask for more.

I have worked with young children and families and have been a consultant to a variety of childcare programs for many, many years, and I don't think that there is any clear answer to this conundrum.

I do, however, take issue with the comments made that seemed to indicate somehow that "research shows" that babies have a difficult time adjusting to caregivers in daycare programs. I remember having read some really interesting, high quality research a number of years ago that found that, in fact, infants' brain development could thrive in a high quality daycare center with a variety (though not too many!) of caregivers. Different adults have different styles of relating, which can lead to lots and lots of rich neural connections in developing babies' brains.

The issue comes down to how high quality is the program, how ready or not ready are the parents to begin to be separated from their baby, and is there any flexibility in the program such that their baby might be able to enroll on a part-time basis at first? If that is possible, it could represent the best of both worlds...plenty of time at home with Mom, and a day or two a week, or a few half-days a week in a high quality group care setting, giving Mom a break and giving the baby the additional variety of stimulation that can come in that setting.

Because of the policies of our government currently, which does not support young families by providing/subsidizing high quality care except in low levels of reimbursement for the very poor, there is a paucity of high quality childcare. Therefore, it makes sense for a set of new parents to struggle over passing up an opportunity for their little one to be cared for in a good program that might not be available later if they pass it up now.

Listening is always better than doing a lot of talking as a parent, and what a gift that your son wanted to discuss this with you!

What a gift that your son has come to you, knowing that you will listen and let him find his own answers! And it is wonderful that your daughter-in- law has the opportunity to CHOOSE to work or stay at home with the baby. There are lots of quality day care providers in Los Angeles. I worked in early childhood education for 10 years while my children were growing up (best of both worlds, part time work and working in the day care at my children's elementary school). I went back to school when they where in college and became a licensed marriage and family therapist! They are not trapped, they have a choice!

Wow! I am appalled at the judgmental criticim being lobbed by many here...and by those who choose to post "anonymously". You all want to sling vitriol, but don't have the fortitude to stand by your statements enough to post your name?

Parents need to do what is the best for them, given their own circumstances. NO ONE has the same situation and to sit in judgment of those who make different choices than your own is reprehensible!

My own son has been in daycare part-time since he was 9 months old. He was in a home-based daycare with a wonderful woman whom I trusted whole-heartedly and still do, now that he is in school. My son's attachment was not negatively affected by this as his bond to me (and mine to him) is incredibly strong and always has been. Especially since he is an only child, I believe that being in daycare is also essential to his social development in learning to get along with his peer world, lessons he wouldn't get at home due to his lack of siblings.

Not everyone has the money to stay at home with their children full-time throughout their childhood. Excuse those of us who choose to not want to raise our children at the poverty level when there is room for such a choice and the resources to not have to!

It really is a rather ugly side of the human psyche when some stand in judgment of others for simply making different choices than their own!

This is a topic I know a lot about, from both a research perspective and as a mother (of two now-adult children). Full-time daycare for infants, especially in an institutional setting, has some serious drawbacks for children who would otherwise be in a loving, stimulating environment. Part-time daycare in a good setting will do no harm---except perhaps increase the number of minor illnesses a child will have. As a therapist/mother with a flexible schedule, I opted for family daycare---I liked having one caregiver, and the ability to see the kind of home she created. I liked my children, even as infants, having other children around. The best of these situations created memories my adult children still cherish, the worst were temporary--I kept looking.
When I was a child, way back when, being home with one's child was typical but the way the moms stayed sane was to put the kids out to play for hours at a time---and the infants in their carriages in the yard. Mothers didn't see it as their job to educate, stimulate, and entertain their children. So let's not idealize an era of mothers being their kids' only caregiver!

but I do believe that there are usually other good daycare opportunities that would arise at the right time. If they are making the decision to send their child to daycare solely based on getting the coveted spot, then I believe they will be disapointed because it's a choice made in fear.

But as a former stay at home mom who returned to my counseling private practice part time because I missed my career and not because of financial reasons, I definitely am judged for my decision.

I have found that being a counselor is a wonderful fit for a parent (not sure if that's what she does). I work three days a week from 3-9 and my kids have a babysitter for four hours until their dad gets home from his job.

Anyway, I'm digressing, they should make the choice that's best for them. I posted my story to illustrate that often you can find the ideal situation. I love spending most of my time with the kids but I also love work.

Contrary to what it seems like in the moment, there will always be another daycare. There will never be another first year with this particular baby.

In the early 80's, when my sons were small, this debate was raging. It seems that nothing much has changed in all this time. I find it amusing that the two people with the strongest and most judgmental attitudes against daycare for infants were men. Fine to say "infants should be at home with their mothers" when you are not the mother whose career and life choices may be affected by that decision. If the tables were turned, these men might see things differently. But they get to happily skip off to work, leaving their wives to juggle the childcare duties, the household duties, and the career. I can only shake my head in wonderment that this type of attitude still persists.

Both of my sons were in daycare from the time that they were two months old. I am not saying that this choice is right for everybody, but it was right for me and my sons. And it was a choice that my husband supported. As a clinician who, at the time, had spent extensive time working in childcare settings, I was very well aware that there were good daycare centers and bad daycare centers. I'm sure the same is true now, although there are probably many more choices available now than there were in 1981.

My sons each started out in family day care homes, and when they were older went into daycare centers. They were not neglected. They had plenty of quality bonding time with me. One was nursed for two years, and the other for three years. Each was exclusively breast-fed... i.e. no formula ever, and no milk products until they were a year old. (Yes, I provided bottles of breast milk to their caregivers.) I spent lunch breaks at the child care centers, I juggled my schedule to attend special events. They both got exposed to some wonderful opportunities... music, drama, field trips, the opportunity to learn to share... that I know I might not have been able to provide on my own. I am grateful that they were able to have those experiences.

I came home from work each night ecstatic to see them, and I can assure you that those two little boys were happy, well-loved little boys. We played in the early evening hours, and not one night went by without them curled in my lap having a bedtime story read or a song sung or both. I cherished our weekends and vacations together, and have wonderful memories of those times. Daycare did not harm them in any way. When they reached school age, they were both academically far ahead of many of their peers. And now they are both happy, successful adults. My younger son is getting ready to enter law school. My older son recently had his first child, and he and his wife are now facing the same decisions for their daughter.

There is no advice that you can offer to your son other than to listen. He and his wife will make their own choice. I would only advise them not to listen to what anybody else tells them they SHOULD be doing, but rather to follow their own hearts. (I had to learn to shut my ears to all the opinionated people who chastized me for putting my children into daycare, the ones who chastized me for nursing my children when they were "too old," the ones who chastized me for not toilet training my children they way they "should" be toilet trained. And I had to learn to listen to my inner voice.) Your son and his wife will know what to do. Whatever they decide, I am sure their child will be just fine. Caring, responsible parents raise happy well-balanced children regardless of what childcare or career choices they make. Are there times I regret not having done it differently? Sure... but I also know that whatever I decided, I might have had similar doubts.

The only thing I take issue with in your letter (and that you might mention to your son) is the fear that this may be their only opportunity for quality childcare. I am well aware that there are some horrible childcare settings out there. But there are also plenty of wonderful ones. When they are ready to use one, whether now or months from now, they will be able to find one. The "exclusive" school that they were waiting to get into is not the only one out there. They are afraid of the "missed opportunity"... but there will be other opportunities. I did not have as many choices 25 years ago, and had to do a lot of searching and visiting different family day care homes and childcare centers until I found the ones that I knew would be right for my children. But always, I was able to find something that met our needs and that I felt comfortable with. Also, even admission to an "exclusive" school does not guarantee that they will not have to make patchwork arrangements when a child is sick. No school, not even the best, is going to allow a sick child to attend. In fact, one of my sons was sick all the time (chronic ear infections) and a family day care home worked better for him because they were able to be more flexible about caring for him when he was ill.

In the end, they grow up and they turn out fine despite all our handwringing and misgivings. And then they have children of their own. Congratulations on your beautiful new grandchild.

All right.

I am the man who made the "anonymous" comment about day care being bad.

First of all, to reassure those of you who were "appalled" by my comment, no I am not a practicing therapist--although I do have a degree in the field from a prestigious university, I did grow up with two licensed clinical social workers for parents, most of our family friends growing up were therapists, I do work in the mental health industry at the moment and I have a sibling who has two small children of their own.

Second of all, I would like to mention to those who misread my comment--I stated that EITHER parent should stay at home, NOT exclusively the mother. I feel that BOTH parents should be able to make sacrifices and stay at home as their children need, no matter whether they are a bank executive, a therapist or a trash collector. And both parents SHOULD contribute to raising the children.

I am in COMPLETE agreement that it is an old-fashioned attitude that the mother exclusively stay home. Nowhere in my comments did I write that.

My best friend from college--a MALE--has been a full-time househusband for the past couple of years while his wife works full-time. This is a well-educated man with a Master's Degree and a good resume for his particular field of work. Could they USE the second salary? Without a doubt. Is it more important for them to actually have at least one parent taking care of their own children than living in a bigger house or driving fancier cars or taking expensive trips? ABSOLUTELY.

Third of all, and most importantly, both of my parents worked full-time when I was a child, so I had a lot of experience in various daycare settings, both in our home, in other's homes and in various institutions, "schools" and so forth. As a result, I grew particularly close to one particular caretaker and felt that she was more of a mother-like figure to me than my own mother ever was, and I feel like I never properly bonded with my own mother as a result.

This then, friends, is where my greatest fear lies for children being shuttled off to daycare as a convenience. Is it REALLY so important to make THAT much more money that both parents feel they HAVE to work full-time? It seems to me that those people do not have a firm sense of their priorities.

For those who would cry poverty if both parents didn't work full-time, I'm sorry but it's still possible to raise a healthy, loving child on food stamps and welfare.

Do I know of any particular studies that cite this kind of research? No, I don't. But I think my own personal experiences were a powerful enough lesson to me.

I don't doubt for a minute it can be stressful raising children. I have friends and family and I've seen what they go through. But merely displacing your stress by putting your children through daycare as a way to combat this stress rather than dealing with the situation head-on seems anathema to how any good therapist would deal with their patients.

In closing, children are a blessing that not all of us will get to experience in our lifetimes. They are NOT toys to show off and brag about to your friends only when it's convenient for you.

Mr. Brothers,

And therein lies the problem. Because YOU have had a bad experience in terms of bonding with your mother, you GENERALIZE that to be the case with ALL children who attend daycare. Surely, with a Master's degree, you would have taken some type of research course and would know that this is a fallacy of reasoning on your part.

I am sorry for you that your mother and you were not particulary bonded to one another. MANY more factors shape that process than simply being whether a child was in daycare or not.

For my own personal experience (of which I do not generalize to be the case for everyone, as clearly you had a different experience!), as I stated before, my son is VERY much attached to me (and I to him) and he was in daycare at least part-time from the time he was 9 months old. He still knows that daycare provider as she occasionally watches him from time to time throughout the year. He is close to her, but he is MUCH more closer to me, as I am his Mom. That is because I have cultivated that closeness in our relationship....Me, I am responsible for that!...I am sorry that your mother was not able to do that for you and that you carry such righteous anger around because of that; that you feel a need to fling it at all other mothers who you see in your eyes as making the same choices. But, again, I will say to you that you have NO right to judge another whose shoes you will never experience being in. Everyone on this planet will have different experiences...because you had a negative one with having been in daycare does not equate with ALL daycare experiences for ALL children are bad!

As for your statement that children can be raised to be healthy, loving children on food-stamps and welfare....WHY would I subject my child to that when he doesn't have to live like that?! I DO have the ability to provide him with a slightly higher standard of living, to provide him with more opportunities than those in welfare can, so WHY, again, would I choose to be at that level when me and my family don't have to be there? I am most certain that NO ONE on welfare CHOOSES to be on it! And, NO, I don't drive a "fancy" car, but rather a used one I bought after having driven my previous car for over a dozen years. NO, I don't get to take "fancy" vacations to Europe beyond getting to fly out to see my parents maybe once a year, if I am lucky, nor do I buy designer clothes....My second job gives us the luxury of owning our own, small 1200 sq. ft. house...certainly NOT a mansion, but at least it's not an apartment in a high-risk neighborhood just so I can stay home with my son!

Mr. Brothers, my advice to you is to STOP judging others! Once you become a parent yourself, if you choose to live on food-stamps and welfare in order to keep your children away from the "big, bad" daycares, then more power to you! I will uphold your right to do that and not put you down for it! So, PLEASE, Mr. Brothers, DO NOT judge or negatively put down others' rights to do differently than you would!!!!!!!

what you decide is in your best interest and the child by extension and should be honored; i used to panic if i didn't have a solid daycare plan; but i always found something; do what you want and the daycare will follow; don't give up your power to a silly slot!!!!!!!!

I am gong to comment on what may seem a peripheral thread to this issue: I find it curious and distressing that once again this issue & commentary are framed as an issue of mother-and-child. Where is the concern for father's role as a primary attachment figure, including his need to be with his infant child full-time and his infant's need for him as a or the primary attachment figure? Even if a family decide that father will be the one to keep working and mother will be the one to stay home after recovery from the birth, I am puzzled that discussion about these problems & solutions rarely mention the emotional cost to fathers and children, and approaches to allying with other male employees, legislative means, & strategizing with employers. Assuming that many fathers like Hara's son care deeply. Then why is this constantly framed as though the mother and child were The Holy Family? Why is this issue constantly frame as primarily a mother-and-child-at-home? The subtle hand of cultural ideology is at work here, not authentic human need.

This is a sticky situation, I can tell. If I'd continued to read the comments posted, I know I would hear very strong opinions about childcare. I, myself, have a very strong opinion. However, I'm not going to share it here.

What I WILL share, is that I think there is a VERY CLEAR choice that is not being talked about (much), and that is the power of choice based on intuition.

Choice without intuition is really choice based on other's opinions. Making a clear choice based on intuition - you know, that internal guidance system we all have - is a choice based on RESPONSIBILITY.

Clearly, there are many opinions on the matter. And, as I said, I too have a very strong opinion. But that DOESN'T matter. What does matter, is that your daughter-in-law and son do what resonates most with them, in their gut. When we listen to what Jane or Jack or Sally are doing, and feel pressured to make decisions because of external things (i.e. "because it's the most coveted" or "I'll lose this slot if I don't take it now" or "What will my friends say if I don't take this?").

The reality is... and this goes back to my "one clear choice" I stated at the beginning, is that if you're always living by your internal guidance system (not by the external one that can lead us down a slippery slope) then you'll know if this position is right - now. If it's not right, now, then you can be rest assured in one year, the right situation WILL present itself. Trust that.

As I like to tell my clients, "Trust the process that is life." Life presents to us exactly what we should do at any given moment. Trust that... and trust your intuition. The answer will always be there for you in THIS moment.

Jennifer Ryan, M.Ed., NCC, LPC
Naked Truth Coach
http://www.iChooseChange.com