How to Win Any Argument With Your Spouse (Final Entry!)

So you still haven't won that argument? Perhaps you need to take your powers of confusion to the next level! After reading this post, your confusion-meter will go to eleven, allowing you to squish the logic circuits of your poor spouse until he/she caves to your evil will. (If you're into that sorta thing. If not, I hope these final secrets of illogic are worth at least a chuckle or two.)

By the way, by continuing to read this post, you agree to use this illogic only for the purposes of good and not for the purposes of evil and/or against me. (Or start from the beginning by checking out the first post.) And now I will go immediately to donate to the March of Dimes in hope of repairing the karmic damage I've wrought over the past four days.

Here you go:

• Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc: Because x follows y, y caused x-"See? Now you have an upset stomach! Thus, my dear wife, j'accuse!"

• Red Herring: An unrelated fact throws off the scent-"You will, of course, have noticed that even now every piece of pickled herring remains firmly jarred!"

• Slippery Slope: A supposed string of causes and effects, with a massively undesirable endpoint-"Honey, if you keep fixating on the fate of the jamocha almond fudge, you won't be able to sleep and you'll lie awake all night wondering if maybe you're the one who ate the ice cream, and then you'll start questioning reality in general, and before you know it, you'll be pulling your hair and muttering gibberish down by the waterfront."

• Straw Person: mischaracterizing an opinion to the point of parody-"So you're saying that I'm incapable of love and was likely the second shooter on the grassy knoll?"

• You Too: Distracting from fault by counterattack-"Yeah, but last week you drank the last Redhook Double Black Stout!* Seriously, have you no speck of human decency?"

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* Cases of above beverage can be sent to this author care of the online editor at Psychology Today. Wait, maybe that's not such a good idea (you know those online editors!). Perhaps it'd be better to email and I'll give you a way to send them direct.