Bouncing Back

If Your Man Trouble or Trouble-D?

Karen Salmansohn — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 14:08:48 +0000

Once upon a time I used to suffer from what I call Prince Harming Syndrome -- the tendency to date men who were either Trouble or TroubleD.

I remember once I was sharing a dark story about a particular Prince Harming with my buddy Scott, when the man at the next table at the café interrupted.

"Excuse me," this stranger said. "I hope you two don't mind, but I must confess I overheard you talking . . . and well . . . I'm a psychoanalyst . . . and I'm worried about you," he said, staring directly at me. "Do you mind if I give you my free therapy opinion?"

"Not at all," said Scott, answering for me. "I have nothing to gain by telling you this," the anonymous psychoanalyst began. "I don't want or need your business. But as a psychoanalyst, I cannot help but recognize how this man you're with is emotionally abusive. He sounds like a classic control freak . . . with sadistic tendencies . . . and you, well, you are a classic masochist . . . since as of right now, you are choosing to stay."

"Masochist?" I repeated.

I looked at Scott. He meekly shrugged.

"But it's good news, too," the anonymous psychoanalyst said. "Masochists always have the most hope for change, because masochists always blame themselves. So . . . search deeply for why you're with this man, your responsibility for having chosen him . . . and get out while you can!" He then grabbed his brown leather briefcase, and whisked out of the café--like some masked psychoanalyst avenger.

I felt both horrified and validated. My Prince Harming had been assessed by a professional to be a sadistic control freak. And me? I still had yet to figure out why I had chosen him.

In my mind I wasn't a masochist. I'd been tricked. The way advertisers use "bait and switch" my Prince Harming had employed "date and switch." He truly did start out so nice. And he seemed so charismatic, smart, funny, successful.

"You really should end this dysfunctional relationship," Scott urged me. "Trust me. You'll meet and marry a great guy soon enough. You've just got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince."

"I accept that," I told him. "It's just the pigs, dogs and jackasses I mind kissing."

Scott and I laughed heartily at the time. Thankfully shortly after this talk I developed the inner strength and clarity of mind to leave this Prince Harming.

I recognized, however, just because this man was no longer in my life, it didn't mean my masochistic dating tendencies had left too. I needed to do some serious self-exploration, and understand why I had this urge to go towards bad relationships --rather than run from them.

Happily I've since broken free from my Prince Harming Syndrome and am living happily ever after with a true Prince Charming--thanks to the empowering insights and techniques I've enthusiastically researched and am now excitedly sharing in my new book PRINCE HARMING SYNDROME.

My Hope: I want to help as many women out there as I can to also break from their curse of being attracted to Prince Harmings--so they, too, can live and love happily ever after.

Having "been there, dated that," I wanted to offer up right here, right now seven quickie empowering tips from my new book which helped me break my pattern -- in order to help others break theirs.

1. Did you have a parent with a bad temper?

If so, you're experiencing what Freud called Repetition Compulsion. Your past is sneaking into your present. You accept being shrieked at as being "normal" when it's not. Some part of you from childhood feels "you're bad" and deserves anger as a ritualistic behavior. Well, I'm here to tell you, the time has come to stop these anger rituals! Nothing in your past is in your present making you do anything you don't choose to do. You are not your past history! You are not your past failures! You are not how others have at one time treated you! You are only who you are and what you do now in this moment.

2. Are you hooked into pain because of low self-esteem?

Perhaps you feel like you don't deserve healthy love because of your weight, career, etc. If so... either improve your weight, career, etc. -or change your view of these things. Start loving yourself-flaws and all. Focus on what makes you hot stuff! You're funny, kind, generous, a great kisser. A guy should be so lucky as to be with you! The more you believe that you deserve healthy love, the more you will conquer and attract.

3. Have you stopped being a hopeless romantic-and now think romance is hopeless?

Have you lowered your "dating bar" so low that now only the slimiest reptilian snake-y guys are wiggling through? If so, raise that bar - by surrounding yourself with friends and family who are in healthy, loving relationships, so you're reminded that "good love" is out there - and know what it looks and sounds like!

4. Are your values off-kilter?

Do you care more about money and good looks than you do about your self-esteem and happiness? You must remind yourself: The #1 reason to merge your life with a man is that he makes you feel happier-not more anxious and depressed. You must also remind yourself of your top values for a man. Make a list-and on it should be: even-tempered, kind-hearted, gentle, a good listener, a compromiser, etc. Also write how you'd feel being with this type of man (relaxed, safe, content, happy, etc.). Keep these lists in your wallet.

5. Are you an "enterpainer"?

Are you used to entertaining everyone with your tales of drama and conflict? Do you get attention and feel important every time you complain about how awful this man is? Stop settling for attention for the negative stuff in your life. Get rid of Prince Harming, and seek positive passion and purpose.

6. Do you keep telling yourself it's not 3 strikes and Prince Harming is out-it's 3,452,103 strikes?

Are you more afraid of the pain of temporary solitude than the pain of abuse? If so, accept that when you break up, there will be a temporary period of aloneness. Decide now to use your alone time to do things you've been putting off. Take a class. Join a club. You'll get through the solo time.

7. Are you afraid to break up?

Don't let the prospect of saying goodbye to a Prince Harming make you feel like a failure. Re-frame this as a success story. This ending represents your brand new beginning! Every time you miss your Prince Harming, repeat the word "Forward!" Remind yourself you're moving forward, away from this self-hurting tendency and towards a better, brighter future.

If you sense you might be with a Prince Harming - or want to better avoid dating any - best selling author Karen Salmansohn's new book PRINCE HARMING SYNDROME offers many helpful tips on how to break the Prince Harming curse of your past -- merging modern cognitive therapy with Aristotle's philosophies on love and happiness -- delivered with feisty humor. Check it out on amazon today!

10 Tips For Not Being A Jerk During Conflict

Karen Salmansohn — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 14:06:24 +0000

Fighting with your sweetie? If so - are you fighting fairly - or are you being a jerk when tensions rise high? Everyone of us has a little streak of asshole - hopefully only a slight wedgie streak! In my new book PRINCE HARMING SYNDROME I give many tips on how to keep that jerk-factor to a minimum during those highly stressful times of conflict.

1. Pick the right time, the right place. Do you have at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted time ahead? Are you in a place where you can talk openly and not self consciously? In general, the best place to talk is alone in your home, where you can sit facing each other, with good strong eye contact.

2. Avoid harsh start-ups. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman says he can predict 96% of the time how a conversation will end based on its first three minutes. In PRINCE HARMING SYNDROME I share a a lot about tapping into what Aristotle called "the virtuea of discipline and conscious insight. " Tapping into this dynamic duo definitely helps one to avoid using criticism, sarcasm or cruel words. Be aware of not starting out blaming—or calling your partner bad names—or your partner will spend more time defending himself than attending to your needs and feelings. Instead, try beginning with a compliment about what you appreciate about your partner. Also, include a reminder about how you really want to work on your relationship so it succeeds and you both can grow together. Begin by calmly explaining how the conflict affects you—your feelings, values, dreams, goals. Recognize that eventually most fights do not stay about the fight’s topic—but rather the “way” people choose to fight—and consciously choose to share your concerns with warmth and integrity.

3. Don’t try to convince your partner you are right. Instead of trying to win arguments, try to have a winning relationship! How? Try talking in “I” sentences instead of “you” sentences—so you speak more about how you feel. (And “I think you are a jerk!” is not an example of an “I” statement!) Your goal is to get your partner to empathize—so forget about harping on details and facts. Keep staying with your feelings, values, dreams, goals. From this place of empathy, your partner will better hear you—and thereby want to find a way to take care of your needs and feelings. If the conversation escalates, be sure to tell your partner that you recognize that your point of view is relative. Your truth is not necessarily the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Be ready to be convinced out of your anger and misery. As Stephen Covey brilliantly stated in his fabulous book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: “Seek first to understand—then to be understood!”

4. Put in the virtue of discipline to calm yourself before you begin talking. Although studies show that yelling is better than stonewalling, yelling has its share of problems. Studies show when people yell, they get themselves even angrier. Interesting factoid: If you and/or your partner’s heartbeat becomes higher than 100 beats per minute during an argument, you will not be able to fully understand/process what the other is saying. Basically, when you’re angry, your brain’s processing becomes blocked, and it’s literally more difficult to solve problems and express yourself clearly. Plus—duh—you’re more likely to foolishly inflame the situation with insults and petty meannesses. As Marcus Aurelius said: “How much more grievous are the consequences of anger, than the causes of it.”

5. If you are upset at your partner for something specific that they did, try not to generalize their action by saying, “You always do this. You always say that.” Generalizations will only escalate your partner’s emotional state because they’re more vague to discuss, and less believable. Come on. Be honest with yourself. A realistic “always” action is a very rare thing. Psychologists all agree it’s best to limit your talk to the one specific recent event that is bugging you, and make past offenses not admissible evidence.

6. I've said it before—and I’ll keep saying it: I believe nearly all our lessons in life are lessons in learning how to get better at loving and being loved. If your partner is angry with you, recognize that his anger is a misdirected plea for love. Your partner’s simply upset because he feels something you said or did was a sign of not loving him enough. View his anger through this lens. When you have this conscious insight about anger, you can more swiftly feel better about sharing loving words and a loving response with your angry partner.

7. If you’re upset with your partner, name the exact emotions you are feeling. For example: angry, resentful, hurt, embarrassed, humiliated, vulnerable, afraid, uptight, depressed. Researcher Matthew Lieberman from UCLA discovered that simply straightforwardly recognizing that you’re feeling a negative emotion—like anger—can calm this emotion by 50%—because it halves your “amygdala activation” to consciously observe your emotions. I want you to double up the benefits of this halving. After you’ve named a negative emotion, rename it with a positive. Consciously decide to replace each negative emotion with one of the following words: acceptance, forgiveness, surrendering, empathy, warmth, love, understanding. Contemplate this word,
over and over, as if it were a mantra.

8. If interruptions are invading an angry discussion, slow down and segment up. Decide to give each of yourselves your own segmented 10 minute expression non-interruptus time block to talk and be heard— until you both feel heard.

9. Make sure your body language is not cursing and shouting. It’s very harmful to a conversation with your sweetie if your arms are crossed or your face is sneering. Studies show it helps to hold each other’s hands while having a difficult conversation because due to Neural Linguistic Programming it taps into the “I love you” reminders in your brain.

10. Close a difficult conversation by purposefully sharing memories of good times you’ve shared and good qualities you love about your partner, so as to jumpstart loving memories, and defuse bad ones. If it’s been a while since you’ve felt that lusty, feisty feeling of romance, you can jump start this phase anew, by going back to those first few romantic courtship places. Chances are you will re-feel the love thanks to the romance feng shui of this place—and you will experience deja romance all over again. Also be sure to end a difficult conversation by creating an obvious upside to talking—so you and your partner will want to share honest difficult conversations again. In other words, be sure to close the conversation by consciously listing all the positive things you learned thanks to the perk of the virtue of discipline.

PRINCE HARMING SYNDROME offers many more jerk-avoidance communcation strategies, which I will be sharing in future blog posts. In the meantime, I'd love to hear some of what has worked for you in dealing with those difficult conversations. Please share your stories below.

Is It Worth It To Suck Up To God?

Karen Salmansohn — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 12:42:51 +0000

After my sexual assault a few years ago, I found myself thinking a lot about God. In the process. I've come to realize I'm more spiritual than I am religious. What I mean by this: As far as praying to God goes, I'm more about looking inside for inner guidance -- tapping into our own abundantly powerful inner resources -- which, I suppose, is where some might say God does indeed reside.

Which reminds me of one of my favorite cartoons . . .

Two sock puppets are talking to each other. One sock puppet says to the other: "Sometimes I wonder if there is a hand."

I believe we are our own inner hand -- the godly power resides within each of us to create the lives we desire --no matter what the challenges!

That said, I also believe it doesn't matter where your "godly guidance" comes from -- deep inside you or high above. What does matter is that you take the time to seek it during times of trouble.

Indeed, studies show that people who are involved in religion report greater levels of happiness than those who are not religious.

In one study,* 101 undergraduate students between ages 18 and 49 were given surveys to complete. Those scoring high in religious beliefs -- who went to church regularly, had a strong religious faith, and prayed often -- were the ones who scored the highest in happiness.

Personally, I think there are a lot of reasons why those religious people scored higher on the happiness meter -- and not all those reasons have to do with religion per se. Religious people are simply following major core practices of happy people. For example, one benefits from the guaranteed social support that can be found in a church, synagogue, or mosque. And this community is especially helpful for those struggling through a trauma or crisis.

Plus, religion can provide a sense of meaning and purpose. According to psychiatrist Ed Diener, having a belief in something bigger than yourself -- a sense of order amid all the chaos--is a vital ingredient to happiness.

You can find this meaning in religious prayer or a spiritual belief system. Or you can simply develop a personal life philosophy that inspires you to seek lessons and growth. The important thing is to take the time to seek out this meaning and purpose during challenging times.

That said, I gotta confess: It was hard for me to consider hiring a higher power during the challenging time following my sexual assault.

I kept thinking: If there is indeed a God, then where was he/she during my time of need? After all, I am a good person. So, why did this happen to me?

I also then wondered: Is there indeed some godly force out there logging all our good actions -- and all our good thoughts -- then giving away "God Coupons" so to speak - "A Bonus Reward Point System" to frequent Do-Gooders -- and Think-Gooders -- which could then later be cashed in for exciting "Life Upgrade Prizes"? If so, did this mean if I helped a little old lady -- or chose not to say "f***" - or resisted hurting someone - then God would give me "Extra Bonus Other Good Life Stuff?" And what if I did the opposite? Behaved badly? Thought badly? Would there be a cause and affect in my life as well?

And what about all the world's infinite suffering? Was there some cause and affect methodology behind all the world's madness? Could there be any appropriate reasoning behind all this world's incredible pain, endless violence and heart-wrenching injustice?

My ruminations led me to discover the German philosopher Gottfried Leibniz - who shared many interesting perspectives about God. One of his more provocative proclamations: "God is an underachiever."

Throughout all Leibniz's writings he--like so many of us--kept questioning how a God who was supposedly good could allow so much evil and suffering in our world!

In the end, Leibniz came to God's defense, theorizing that because God was all knowing, he/she could evaluate all the possibilities of various worlds. And so perhaps God chose the world we're in -- as bad as it might seem at times --because it offered up the least possible evil.

In other words: No matter how challenging your life might feel, it could have been a whole lot worse.

Personally, I thank Leibniz for this somewhat cheery rumination - and I must say, I found myself thinking a lot about this Leibniz perspective during my personally challenging time.

Rabbi Harold Kushner's view on why bad things might happen to good people also comforted me.

Kushner's overall belief: God could have controlled everything about our lives --the good and the bad. But then we'd merely be "Stepford Humans" -- and there'd be no fun in living at all! And no growth either, for that matter! And what else are we humans here for -- but to live and learn? Hence God granted us this fabulous perk called "free will" -- which also means we have a choice in how we cope with any suffering we are dealt in the process of all our "free will" living!

In my readings-up about God, I also discovered how early diety-believers would literally rejoice during their times of suffering - because they gratefully recognized how suffering forced them to look upwards - become fully conscious - think about their lives more deeply - and thereby appreciate what they had all the more.

In other words, instead of seeking to find the meaning behind the concept of suffering, we should all try to make sure our suffering becomes meaningful. Instead of asking God to remove our problems so that our lives might be happy - we must purposefully try to learn as much as we can - and thereby become happier due to our insights and growth.

One universal good thing to come from bad things: the gift of empathy! Suffering imparts on all of us humans an informed sense of empathic understanding -- which then helps us to better connect with one another. Think about it. Without bad experiences, none of us could ever fully relate to each other. And we all so greatly desire to connect.

>>>>>>

In the midst of bouncing back from a challenging time? Check out Karen Salmansohn"s THE BOUNCE BACK BOOK - recommended by Deepak Chopra, Anthony Robbins, and A.J. Jacobs...and then some. For more happiness tips, sign up for Karen Salmansohn's free BE HAPPY DAMMIT newsletter!

* Study researched by Stephen Joseph, PhD, University of Warwick, England - reported in Dec. 2003, journal Mental Health, Religion & Culture.

Soulmate or Egomate?

Karen Salmansohn — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 12:36:43 +0000

Breaking up is hard to do...so it's essential to keep getting wiser -- and wiser -- about what healthy love is all about.

There’s a great quote in that wonderful tale, “The Little Prince” where the Prince wisely says: “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

What this quote describes is “soulmate love” — which is a far more mature love than “egomate love” — which too many people get tricked into seeking — and thereby never finding true love and true happiness.

In case you’ve been foolishly getting “soulmate love” confused with its lesser”egomate love” fake and faux pas imitiation — here are some helpful reminders …

Soulmate

A soulmate is someone whom when you meet — without thinking – without letting your neocortex play into the decision – you feel an instant familiarity, a sense of connection, a longing.

Egomate

An egomate is someone who you instantly want because you know they will “look good to others” – because this person is beautiful or rich, or has some ego massaging quality. But this thing you like about this person is a generic superficial quality — rather than the dynamic and tingly connection you feel when with this person.

Soulmate

A soulmate is someone who you could spend a great deal of time with just sitting on a sofa and feel happy. You don’t need fanfare. You don’t need to go out to expensive restaurants. Just being with them cuddling and kissing feels like a vacation.

Egomate

An egomate is someone who you need to spend lots of money on and do ritzy activities with to fully feel the excitement of being with them.

Soulmate

A soulmate is someone who you miss when they’re not around – and can even lose sleep over. When you talk about this person to friends, you might mention their looks or money, but you mainly talk about what makes them special to you – those deeper, less
superficial qualities which are about connecting soul to soul.
You feel a passionate friendship for this person.

Egomate

An egomate is someone who when you talk about this person to friends, you mainly talk about this person as being rich or beautiful — or any of a variety their trophy qualities which build up your ego. If you’re honest with yourself, some part of you doesn’t respect this partner of yours on certain levels — or even like them as a friend. Indeed if you weren’t dating this person, you might not even be friends with them. Perhaps you even feel a bit bored by them if you spend too much time alone in their company or sitting on a sofa just talking. But your ego overpowers your instincts, because your ego loves talking about how rich or beautiful this person is – and impressing friends and family.

Soulmate

You’re not looking for perfection in your partner. Perfection is all about the ego. With soulmate love you know that true love is what happens when disappointment sets in – and you’re willing to deal maturely with these disappointments. You recognize nobody is perfect. Not only does your partner have imperfections, so do you. And because you value the deep love and connection you are lucky enough to share, you choose to work on your problems and grow as individuals and as a couple. With soulmate love, you’re not only finally ready to wear your heart on your sleeve, but roll up your sleeves and do the necessary work. Your goal with a soulmate is to create the most fabulous “inside world” – inside yourself as a growing individuals and inside your private relationship as a thriving couple.

Egomate

Your ego cares about perfection. A lot. In particular your ego cares about your partner appearing perfect to the outside world. You’re less forgiving about imperfections in your partner because of your ego – because you take your partner’s imperfections personally — as showing you as being imperfect — and your ego does not like your not being perfect. So you put a high priority on looking super cool and perfect to others. Indeed, you are so blinded by the image perks your uber-gorgeous or uber-rich partner offers up. that there’s an immature part of you who doesn’t really feel the need to connect in friendship with your partner – or grow as a person when problems arise in the relationship. You just care about the “ego symbols” you are showing to the outside world.

Soulmate

Your partner could gain weight, lose all their money, lose all their hair - and you wouldn’t care. You love them for their core self.

Egomate

If your partner gained weight, lost their money, lost their hair, you’d lose your “ego symbol”and thereby feel less attracted to this person and want to break up.

In summary: Soulmate love is far more satisfying. Afterall, looks and money can (and often) fade. But a bad personality and bad values and a bad intimacy connection are forever.

Karen Salmansohn (www.notsalmon.com) is a best selling author with over 1 million books sold – her most recent being THE BOUNCE BACK BOOK: HOW TO THRIVE IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY, SETBACKS AND LOSS. Salmansohn's personal mission is to share information which leads to our world's transformation – to help this world bounce back from the many tough challenges it's now going through – and to eliminate that pesky word "impossible." For more info: www.notsalmon.com.

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When Life Throws You Curveballs Hit Them Out Of The Park

Karen Salmansohn — Thu, 29 May 2008 21:27:50 +0000

Nobody's exempt from pain. Not even self-help book authors! In my new book, THE BOUNCE BACK BOOK, I confess how within one year, so many bad occurrences happened, I kept waiting for a Candid Camera crew to appear from behind the planter in my living room! First, the real estate broker, real estate lawyer, and moving company I hired found sneaky ways to rip me off. Next, a longtime business buddy hired me to package new groovy chocolate bars, then never paid me. But those were nothing compared to the lowest point: a sexual assault by someone I knew as an acquaintance.

I share all this because I want you to know that I fully understand how painful and challenging life can be.

Thankfully I also understand how with right psychological resiliency tools at your disposal, you can bounce back from a set back -- often even stronger, wiser, happier.

After my sexual assault, one of the main things keeping me in a negative place was this uncomfortable feeling of "victimhood."

It felt particularly weird to be in a so-called victim position, because I am an optimistic self-book author, not a helpless little twig being tossed topsy and turvy in the winds of uncontrollable fate.

Is that melodramatic of me to write or what?

But that was how I felt after the assault—out of control. I became anxiously aware that anything could happen to me at any time. And this sense of not being in control over my life created a lot of anxiety.

Later, as I began researching resilience psychology (for myself as well as a book on this subject) I discovered some interesting studies about this subject of "control."

The "Journal of Personality and Social Psychology" reported that the number-one contributor to well-being is not money, good looks, or popularity! No, the biggest life goodie is "autonomy," defined as "the feeling that your life--its activities and habits--are self-chosen and self-endorsed."

Studies at the University of Michigan confirmed that "Having a strong sense of controlling one's life is a more dependable predictor of positive feelings of well-being than any other objective conditions of life."

In one famous study, researchers randomly gave mice either cheese or electric shocks. The mice did everything they could to avoid the shocks and get more cheese, but when they figured out that their actions had no effect, they lapsed into a state of passive listlessness. When they were eventually given the choice (autonomy) to avoid the electric shocks or get more cheese, the mice were so bummed out they just lay there, choosing not to do anything at all!

Similarly (but with better results), psychologist Judith Rodin encouraged nursing home patients to exert more control in their lives by motivating them to make a few key changes to their environments (to decide if the air conditioning should be on or off or how furniture should be arranged). Rodin also pushed patients to request changes in various nursing home policies, which they subsequently received. As a result, 93% of these patients became more alert, active, and happy.

It just goes to show that, unlike a mouse, we humans are lucky to have this thing called "consciousness." We know better than to give up, even after our autonomy has been challenged.

Meaning? If right now you're feeling so sideswiped that you're tempted to do nothing but lie around, sleep late, and watch TV--don't! Instead increase your feeling of autonomy by increasing what psychologists call your "internal locus of control," the power you have to make easy, small changes.

Here's how it works: Today create three deadlines for new projects and three exciting events to be shared with loved ones. Mark all 6 of these plans down on your calendar. Then do these things and meet these people in a timely, efficient way. Establishing deadlines -- then meeting them -- will absolutely help you to start to feel like the feisty, kick-ass dominatrix of your destiny that you know you are!

Karen Salmansohn ( www.notsalmon.com ) is a best selling author with over 1 million books sold – her most recent being THE BOUNCE BACK BOOK: HOW TO THRIVE IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY, SETBACKS AND LOSS. Salmansohn's personal mission is to share information which leads to our world's transformation – to help this world bounce back from the many tough challenges it's now going through – and to eliminate that pesky word "impossible." For more info: www.notsalmon.com.